Happy Birthday to me: Reminders on Being

Accept what is with gratitude and faith

Embrace Life

Find and do what you love

Trust more Deeply

Resist self criticism and self judgement

Think less, Be More

Learn to let go ON COMMAND

Practice discernment in speech and thought

Become the master of your mind and emotions

Don't re-act: Sit, reflect, breathe and respond with discernment and grace

Live in the present: Let go of the past: It lives ONLY as long as you feed it

Liberate your mind by letting go of stories and perceptions

Trust in the flow to bring what needs to be

Don't interfere with what is: Allow truth to reveal itself: IT ALWAYS DOES

Forgive yourself as you forgive others

Accept that somethings can never be understood: especially other people's actions

Find your SELF & Never let her go again!

Never let anyone else confuse you on your own values and needs

Never compromise your values

Remember you deserve integrity and honesty

Choose carefully, consciously and with great discernment who and what you take into your body, life and community

Awaken to the joys of your wild side: drum, dance, sing, be in nature, play pointlessly

Live courageously: take more chancs: jump into the unknown with passion and zest for the mystery it holds

Live fearlessly as if today is the last day of your life!

Turning 40

Tonite is the nite before winter solstice, and also the last night of my 30's. I am dining alone at a 4 star restaurant, treating myself to a mini vacation on the beautiful Sanibel Island with a delightful meal and a beachfront room.

I am returning to my committment to forgive myself and re-affirming mantras I have seemed to neglect:
"Think forward thinking thoughts."
"No looking back."
"Let go and flow."
"Trust in the knowingness that all is in perfect alignment."

For too long I have been stuck in stories and thoughts of the past. I never, in my worst nightmares, imagined that I could go thru what I have gone thru in the past 6 months just from shifting out of a relationship, and certainly hadn't yet glimpsed the monster my mind could become thru attachment, anxiety, obsessiveness and fear. I'd never known or seen these dark corners, and would have even denied the possibility that they could exist in me up until a few months ago. Now I understand the saying,"Sometimes the truth hurts."

"Not me" my overinflated superior self would have said when I walked out of that relationship (or tried to LOL) in February. Ha Ha..the joke's on me. I have proven to also have a little wounded self that never had been given much attention apparently and once it saw an opportunity to jump in and show itself did so with such fervor and might that it knocked me senseless and sent me reeling into all kinds of unimaginable turmoil in my own mind. Suddenly all of the gates were unloosed and my wounded child was screaming and throwing tantrums at every turn, for any reason and with all the unpredictability of a tornado blasting thru a small peaceful village of happy people.

So now here I am turning 40 in a few short hours. Face to face with the totality of myself, and the polarity of myself. The Yin Yang, the Dark and Light of myself. One half Warrior Queen, righteous spiritual being, empowered woman, fearless, competent, leading people into rhythm rites and building community, author, "strong" woman archetype. One half scared, sad, abandoned, insecure, unworthy pauper child feeling lost and uncared for in this world. It doesn't get any more real than this. I guess I'm coming of age and moving into this new phase of my life as a truly humbled woman, reverent in new ways and softened by the compassion and grace I feel coming thru the willingness to be real with all of it.

Tonite is a full moon eclipse, a powerful opportunity for a turning point and new possibilities and my affirmation is to commit this year to myself. To take as much time as I need to become whole and fully in love once again with every little piece of myself. To give that little pauper girl all the love she needs to feel like the queen she holds within herself. To move as a True Queen with the needs of others held strongly in heart and mind to serve others as she would be served.

This is a year to toss aside all that doesn't reflect my truest and deepest values and callings.

Winter Solstice Baby... Happy Birthday to me!

Self Forgiveness

"Guilt is unnatural. The guiltless mind can not suffer. What is truly blessed is incapable of giving rise to guilg and must give rise to joy."
A Course in Miracles

My big piece of work right now is self forgiveness. I have forgiven him and all of those who spoke untruths about me, but I have been holding a lot of guilt for my own behavior and have been in a rather frenzied state of self condemnation and self judgement. This must be, as A Course in Miracles (ACIM) puts it, "undone."

I acted out in ways that I am not proud of in the past months, out of fear, ego delusion and wrong perception based on confusing information. My ego acted out of it's own need to maintain control and now looking back, it is clear that there has never been any reason to be fearful or feel guilty. I wasted days and weeks of time in anxiety and depression for no reason at all. I was jealous and insecure for no reason at all. "What's real can never be threatened." (ACIM) What's real is the love, nothing else. That's all that matters, now or ever. It's hard not to laugh at myself, but I feel like such a fool to ever even have reacted or given any of it a moment of my peace of mind! Live and learn, that's how we do it I guess.

Clearly our love has not been affected by the separation rebound or the second rebound, or any of the hurtful things that occurred between us, though for sure our personality's and ego's have had some roughing up. Six months ago, however, clearly I was too caught in the pain and confusion of it all to even be ready to receive that nugget!

Nothing can change that which God created and nothing real can be threatened. I so wish I had read and received that wisdom months ago and really taken it in. It would have saved me so much wasted energy. And, I can see that the proof of this is here now, so I have to forgive myself for my own ignorance just as I forgive others for theirs.

So my work now is to let go of hating myself, berating myself and feeling like such a schmuck that I fell prey to those loud mouthed foul smelling jackass saboteurs of insecurity, jealousy and fear. They have had their run of me and I am committing to taking over the show with a higher state of awareness and more compassion and tolerance, more tenderness and Divine love. Those villans have had their day in my life and I am no longer willing to let them deceive or delude me with their lies.

Now I choose to let go of the old paradigm of how relationship "should be" or how I want it and to come into a place of gratitude and acceptance for what is. I am ready to offer myself thru this experience back to Spirit and trust that whatever happens is what must be for growth and for the best of all. Even the story about "losing my lover" isn't really true. Sure, we're not together the way we once were, we aren't partners in the sense we were, but really not much else has changed. We're still good friends, share a lot, have movie nights and the connection, in it's essence, is still real and true. Learning to just appreciate what is, and accept what is is really all that's left to do and really all there ever has been to do.

God let me free of the past so that I may be available NOW to live in joy and love and create life in harmony.

Integration

Tonite, sitting in the company of sisters, sharing our hearts as women do, the stillness of love streams through me again. This year has been the most challenging yet of my entire life. I guess that's saying I've had a good life at nearly 40 as really things haven't been nearly as bad as what I've witnessed for some people my age! This year has taught me so much and has been such a profoundly heart opening, humbling and transformative year.

I have learned suffering's hell, walked with and into my heart fearlessly though certainly not always fearless! I have looked at and into the dark places of my ego and it's screaming incoherencies. I have allowed it to nearly destroy me with it's stories and selfishness. I have experienced and acknowledged grief and hung by a thread to God as my only remembrance of sanity and survival. I have cried tears enough to make a small lake. I have contemplated swimming far out to sea and drowning myself just to escape the emptiness and the void in my heart. I have danced depression's dark sultry lopsided melancholy monogroove.

I have been betrayed and gossiped about and have heard my name dragged thru the ethers from the lips of people who know not the truth but speak as if they do. I have learned how false friends can spew bullshit perceptions that are more self reflective than true about me or mine. Painfully, I have digested it all knowing how much I have loved and supported these same people knowing they only see some reflection of something they can't have compassion for within themselves. I have felt backstabbing and wanted to stab back but didn't.

I have screamed with the power of a thousand angered women moving thru me who know the pain of betrayal and grief.

I have died and am being reborn.

And out of the ashes I take and bring with me new wisdom. A real taste of the fullness of life. For now I understand more of these things that before I did not. My heart loves more because I never stopped loving, thru all of it, I never let the love be sacrficied. I loved those throwing stones. I love those who hate. I love this life and now I am touching wisdom's grace thru allowing myself to love thru every bit of it. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, even allowed myself to be hurt. I understand now Jesus's words, "turn the other cheek," with a new depth.

Now, I am as exposed, unravelled and unveiled as I can possibly be to myself, to my beloved, and in the eyes of God. There is nothing to hide, nowhere to run. I am here, fully present with all of it, with all of myself. "Only when we have nothing to hide can we be truly free." And so, I am free in a way I never knew before, it's all exposed. I am raw and real.

All I want now is to be an example of an authentic being
in love
in truth
in acceptance of what is.
Integration is happening within me! Bring it on!

Start Again

A friend of mine went to a Vippassana meditation several years ago and shared with me that for years after he could hear the voice of his teacher in his head saying, "Start Again."

For some strange reason it stuck with me, and I seem to find that voice in my head pretty often even though I still haven't made it to a Vippassana Meditation.

Start Again. In this journey I am on of trying to find myself and heal from giving my heart, body and soul to a man who didn't really ever want it, I am hearing that voice again today. I'm beginning to feel like I'm on some kind of sick merry go round that just keeps bringing me back to the same trauma and pain over and over to give me another shot at "letting go," and every time I seem to fall flat on my face with it, bumbling into yet another reactive tantrum.

"Start Again" that little voice says, so calmly with a little dry accent on it, haunting my humbled heart in the realization that there is no other choice but to start again.

There is nothing left really of my self respect or dignity, I've trampled it all and desecrated myself in tears and lament to this man over and over crying, "I wish it could be different, I hate this shit." But what I really mean is, "I wish I could be different, I hate that I am still feeling so hurt, abandoned and disempowered around our break up." It's been almost 8 months for God's sake and I'm still crying and feeling lost and alone without him, especially if we don't talk for a few days or he doesn't call when he says he will, which he's been doing more and more lately. Why do I even care at this point? I mean, really, what kind of self respecting woman would still be so devoted to a man who so clearly is confused on what he wants. He wants to be with me, but only on his terms, when he wants to be, where he wants to be, how he wants to be. And I am just supposed to be the loving, devoted woman who is always there for him with open arms and a warm bed. A "glorified booty call" is what one woman called me. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and I've been sucking it all up, compromising every bit of self respect just to try to keep it alive. I've set myself up to swing around on that merry go round with "Nothing Compares to You" screaming from the horses mouths as they weep tears of grief.

Sometimes Grief just sneaks up and crawls into my heart, curls up in a little ball and eats at me slowly. Today has been one of those days, and the funny thing about that little bugger Grief is that it doesn't matter how beautiful the day is, once it's nestled in, it's nestled in. Today was gorgeous, sunny and warm for a winter day, a perfect day to enjoy life, to be bubbling over with gratitude for a little window of warmth, but all I could do was try to keep from crying. For three days I've been doing pretty well, not calling him and not answering his calls, and today, on the fourth day, my lesson is, "Start Again."

I simply can not even comprehend the depth of this truly. I feel a hole in my heart that goes all the way thru me, to the core. I keep thinking, every day that I will wake up and it will be gone, but the hole just stays with me. I have been praying, but maybe not hard enough. I have been really trying to sit with it all, meditating and trying to follow the Buddhist teachings of allowing all of it without judgement. I am reading A Course in Miracles and working with those excercises. Today's lesson was to apply the concept of meaninglessness to a thought, and since my little mind seems to be plagued with thoughts of my ex and sexual infedility, I applied it to those thoughts, and really worked with that all day. Still the hole is there.

I know that only God can fill the hole, and I also know that there is no replacement for my lover of 8 years. Even God can't replace him and the place he held in my life for 8 years. It's just a fact. People aren't replacable. No one else can ever replace my mother or my father, or my ex. It just doesn't work that way. So I talk to God, a lot, and I find some comfort and solace there, but still the hole eats at me.

I made a new friend a few weeks ago, his name is Ryan. I was at the book store reading a book on how to save your relationship and he sat down next to me by the fireplace and I just instantly liked him, he had great energy. I felt him far before I even glanced up, his energy was just sweet and safe and in my tender, vulnerable place, safe is getting big points. Probably ten minutes after he sat down, somehow we started chatting and I liked him even more. He has gentle loving honest eyes, cute little glasses, and a goatie, and just enough of a resemblance to my ex to make him feel familiar but in a new and brighter way. Ryan and I went on a hike yesterday, and as it turns out he is in a pretty similar situation with his ex of trying to detach and move on. So yesterday, Ryan and I made a pact to help each other get thru this time without going back, to even use each other when we need or want to connect with our ex's. I wish to God I was attracted to this guy, he's cute, even handsome and so sweet, but my heart just can't really be open to anyone else. At any rate, Ryan stayed over last night and this morning we cuddled for an hour or so, he just held me. No sexual energy, not even a lick, just pure, safe, innocent cuddling. I thought, maybe, just maybe, that would help me, but instead that ridiculous hole in my heart got bigger, much bigger. No cuddle can replace the main squeeze I loved so much for 8 years. It almost makes it worse to try to fill the space, it's just unfillable. He is irreplacable dammit.

So what to do?

Start Again. It's like I need to return to the jungles to get away from this man. I work with him, see him too much and all of it just continues to fester the wounds. I know I need to make a break, get out of dodge, leave this town far behind and just get away from him before he totally destroys every ounce of self respect I have but I don't know where to go, what to do, how to escape it and so I sit here pondering it all and hearing that voice in my head over and over again...

Start Again.

I went to church today. I woke up with a place inside that wanted God and fellowship so deeply. I love church. I don't go so often, because I live most of my life as if the whole world is my church. I pray all the time, wherever I am. I am the temple I need and go to most often. Today however, I went to church.

The service was so perfectly aligned with what I needed to hear on letting go and trusting in the unkown! Somewhere in the midst of it I got a hit that it was time for me to start reading "A Course in Miracles." I'd visited it once or twice in the past, but never really felt fully called as I did today. Synchronically, when I went downstairs to the church's lending library, there sat a big fat full teacher's version of A Course in Miracles, ready to go home with me.

A few nuggets I pulled out in the first read:

"When you have become willing to hide nothing, you will not only be willing to enter into communion but you will understand peace and joy."

"The escape from darkness involves two stages:
1. The recognition that darkness can not hide
2. The recognition that there is nothing you want to hide, even if you could. This step brings escape from fear."

"Recognize your errors and choose to abandon them."

"Every aspect of fear comes from upside down perception. The more truly creative devote their efforts to correcting perceptual distortions. The neurotic to compromise and the psychotic tries to escape by establishing the certain truth of his own errors. He is the most difficult to free because he is consistent in his denial of truth."

Wow! Not bad for a first read of a few pages!

I can see clearly where I have been the creative, the neurotic and for short moments even the psychotic in this journey. Mostly though I have fallen into the creative's role. My prayer and intention has been for understanding things and seeing things clearly.


These past months have been such a journey and I have only one prayer now: my prayer is to fully let go and recognize that I deserve so much better and so much more than what I even know! My prayer is to be more free tomorrow and that I awaken in joy of a new day with no regrets, no hurts, no more suffering.

My prayer is to awaken free and wild like the wind.

Gratitude I AM

Sitting with sunlite streaming into me
The mists floating
Gently hovering above the stillness of the lake
Hiding the mountain tops
Shadows of trees melting into their sensual embrace

Gratitude I Am

Tears of acknowledgement flowing
for every step of the journey that has led me
Here Now

Quietly reflecting on this life
My heart has been busted sweetly open
Again and again and again

Tears of rage have brought me compassionate understanding
Fears of losing have taught me the richness that I Am
thru Vulnerability's bitter but sweet deep kisses

Gratitude I Am

Depression has taught me the mysterious ways that darkness calls forth lite
Anxiety has shown me to rest thru exhaustion's paralyzing inertia
Grief is still teaching me the preciousness of each moment
Grief reminds me to listen less
to fear, depresssion and anxiety's strangely seductive songs

Gratitude I Am

Dancing mind births surrender into stillness
The lines on my face etch my time passing
like a wild tempest wind
Fast and furiously earth shaking

This home allows me to be the grace I am thru the sharing of space that is my bliss

Gratitude I Am

For the passing of cycles
Fall into winter
Forgivenss into compassion
Anger into Soft sadness
Stillness into Divine Union

Gratitude I Am

For the friends who have listened to my stories
Again and again and again

For the mother who carried me in her womb
gifting me this life
to be challenged
to be overjoyed
to be witness and witnessed

For the creatures great and small
that amaze and captivate my heart with awe
The four leggeds and winged ones
The creepy's and the crawlies
The enchanted ones of the sea and the underworlds
For this earth and all it's abundance and ever unfolding magic

For the gifts of rhythm and song
And all that they have allowed me to experience as bliss in union with Creation

Gratitude I Am

For my unbalanced intensity that humbles me
when it rages thru me like a tidal wave
reminding me my work is far from done
Reminding me that I am

For what some call my "overexpressiveness" and all that it represents
as one being being real and authentic in this under expressed society
where so many are afraid of truth and heart felt sharings
For the facade that I refuse to wear that "societal" appropriateness dictates

For the scared insecure little girl
who is as much me as is the Warrior Queen
As fearless as I am, so too are the depths of my fears

Gratitude I AM

As above, so below
For the duality and it's suffering nature
reminding me to discipline myself more to choose acceptance of what is

For this home I sit in now and all that it has already been home to
love, life, music, community and warm fires..

For the teachers in every being I meet
For this moment now

Quietly sitting with sunlite streaming into me
The mists floating
Gently hovering above the stillness of the lake
Hiding the mountain tops
Shadows of trees melting into their sensual embrace

And tears flowing like sweet nectar
to soften all of me into the
Gratitude I Am

Shifting

Seven months and this is still going on. Something in me is shifting, and I am finding myself wondering what exactly I'm thinking by even allowing this to be the way it is. I'm totally letting him dictate the terms of it all and in the midst my heart is feeling unsafe and more vulnerable than ever. Something in the whole process is exciting to me, to try on a new way of being, to try on this concept of open relationship and explore it within the context of an 8 year love that clearly is far from "over" or "done." Yet something is shifting, organically and maybe because it must.

Clearly we love each other, deeply and truly beyond all stories and beyond all circumstances. Clearly we want to spend time together and not be "done" or "finished." Clearly, his allusions to possible future times working and being together are founded in his heart.

And clearly, this is not allowing me to fully move forward with a new life and into new possibilities. And clearly, my intuition, through dreams and then clear reminders from the women he's been involved with, is speaking truth to me to be very careful and to get out now with what's left of my dignity.

So I am making a committment to shifting fully into myself and a more realized state of beingness where my life, my work and my passions can come forth again. I have put way too much time and energy into worrying and being concerned about what he's up to and who else he is sleeping with, etc. and that all needs to shift into myself and my future work and life. Giving him full permission and the space to be with those women is the best thing I could do, it's really all he has been asking for and it's time I allow it and not care anymore and not let it dictate my own self worth or self esteem. If he wants to go be with his little stripper friend, so be it. I have higher goals to think about and a world to share with and be of service to.

Six Months and Counting

It's been a while since I've given myself to writing here. So much has happened. Some of it was just too painful and ugly to even write about. Just getting through it was a major effort.

This journey is longer than I could have imagined and I guess the only way one can truly understand it is to go through it. I always imagined myself a stronger woman than what I have proven to show up as. I certainly never thought I'd try to hang onto a man who cheated on me, lied to me, exposed me to STD's from his poor choices with women who have slept with half the men I know and who is clearly requesting space and distance from me. I certainly never thought I'd be up half the nite or all of the nite in anxiety, sorrow, grief and despair trying to figure out how I could win him back. I never thought I could push myself to the brink of questioning my will to live over a man, but alas... I have proven to be a woman, through and through with all of the heart wrenching aspects of the darker side of the feminine: jealousy, revengeful thoughts, anger, spite, depression, need, possessiveness... you name it, I've felt it all in these bones in these past 6 months.

Finally, a few weeks ago I started therapy, EMDR to be specific. I've learned that he is more like my father, mother and brother than I could have really seen clearly when we were together. I've learned that I have some pretty good reasons to feel all the crap that I have and that I'm actually doing OK, and pretty normal, regardless of how much HE tells me that I've been over reactive and over emotional. I've learned that I had pretty good reasons to feel the way I have between my old family crap, and the reality of his disrespect towards our love that I invested 8 years of my life in nurturing. I've learned that he has some pretty deep seated crap too and that I don't need to be constantly apologizing for what he helped to create in me, and mostly I am finally at last learning to find peace with the space.

One of the biggest pieces was that I learned that home was one of the main things he provided for me, a place of rest, a place I could feel safe and soft, and so I created one for myself. I spent months looking for a one bedroom apartment but hating the idea of living in a complex or in a basement or in a cramped space. I'm not an apartment dweller, maybe it's because my parents were landlords and I was in apartments cleaning and sweating my fingers to the bone too often to ever want to live in one. In the last month of my homelessness, I was sleeping in the back of his truck pretty often. I'd take it and drive up just on the edge of town and crawl in back and curl up and sink into the lonlieness, wishing his warm body was next to mine, feeling how sad this all seemed that he wouldn't even invite me to stay with him, when so many nights I allowed him to come curl up with me if he needed or wanted to. Somehow though, there was a sweetness to sleeping in the truck, I could hear the wind, feel it move the truck, I could hear the elements and it reminded me of my 20's when I was travelling in my Toyota pick up around Alaska and the western states of the US. Somehow, the back of that truck was more home than the stinky little room I was staying in in town and I loved it and actually looked forward to curling up in that thing. Some nights he would stay with me, and we would cuddle all night in a deep state of love. Home was with him. Wherever he was, I was home.

So finally, I found home on my own terms. I chose not a one bedroom apartment, but a big house, 4 bedrooms, perched up on a hill with a magnificient view of the mountains and a lake. And in the weeks of settling in here, I've found some peace and been able to sleep again which has made a huge difference in the degree of my emotional stability. I am feeling like I can start to make choices rather than just be led around by my rage and disappointment who just seem to taunt me and make a mess out of me. In finding home, I am feeling able to offer my self again to the world, and to my work and service. And I'm finding that I'm able to accept that the man I love truly does love me too, he just needs to find himself and explore life which really never needed to be as much of a big deal as my rage and disappointment have made it out to be.

The truth is, it's more like now we're boyfriend/girlfriend rather than partners and not much else has really changed in spite of all the drama. We eat dinner together often, soak at the gym, share movie and cuddle nights and eat ice cream, just the way we used to. I just can't dare say we're in a "relationship" or he gets fired up and frieked out. He's stayed with me an average of 3 nights a week in the past 3 months, and had another fling with a little stripper woman child with big boobs and absolutely no concept of personal responsibility for herself, and still came back to me again wanting to move past it. The passion of the love making has been unparalleled and the recognition and honoring of the truth of our relationship has been surfacing through all the challenges. I can feel how much he loves me and I him beyond all the human drama.

The first night I slept at my house, we slept in the truck because the smell from the wood floors was too intense to be inside, and he was holding me and we were talking about how afraid I am to lose him completely, and he said to me, "I'm not going anywhere, look 5 months and I'm still here aren't I? I care about you a lot, and I'm not going to disappear." I needed to hear that, and now I can see that it is true. He makes comments often about, "Someday when I build my house, I want you to live in it," and alludes to a future life with us pretty often and so what I am learning now is to accept that as a possibility as much as the possibility that I may indeed lose him forever to another woman, or me to another man. In my heart of hearts, he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I am learning to accept that maybe I just don't know what else is possible yet, and that this is the time to open up to other possibilities in my life.

I see him most days lately and against all advice from friends, I have chosen to continue to work with him and to work through things. It has born some sweet fruit for sure, we are on some levels, closer than ever, still awesome friends and I think it has helped him to recogonize how much he truly does care for me even though his actions don't always feel so considerate to me. I am also learning that he just is that way with everyone, and I don't need to take it so personally anymore.

Slowly I Return

Softly you return to me
like the doe walking thru the mists a dawn

Magical
Humble
Graceful
Curious
Aware of every sight and sound

I have been gone from you too long
Wandering in the fields of illusion
created by the saboteur in my mind
that wants to deny the truths of my soul

Slowly I am returning home
yet again
To start Anew

And I know when I am ready
Waiting there
Will be you.

Retun My Queen

Return to me
Your throne sits awaiting you
Atop my skillfully filled skull
overflowing with mindless chatter
Until the moment you arise in me

Then like rivers of glass
enchanting me your eyes meet mine
Remembrance is so divine
And all time stills as you pour me like wine

Sweetened by life's tragedies
Tainted by none
Deepened by tears of grief
Shined brilliant by the sun

Magically appearing
In the midst of cold black night
My Queen, your majesty I behold
Your presence is my insight

Even the blackest lump of lead
Returned to fine spun gold...
Even the aging heart of death
sprouts the seeds of young in old

Passing from one form to another
Wise crone, tender mother
Sacred whore betrayed by lustful men
Let's love again and again come in

Return to me
Sister of Grace and of Mercy
Your sword is sharp and quick to fall
where truth goes astray..

Warrior Queen
My Heart is yours
Forever More
Return to me

Stray no more.

Medicating

Friday, June 18, 2010

I’m reading all this good philosophical and psychological stuff on the ego, the pain-body and how these entities aren’t really who we are, it’s not really our true selves, but it’s where we live most of the time and where we act and react from. Trying to get it, and feel that, and maybe it can help me out of this mess… something needs to or I may just go completely insane with it all. I did have some success this morning. Went to the Doctor yesterday and am for the first time in my life, medicating. Seems so ridiculous, but I don’t know where else to turn right now. I need to sleep and I need to calm down. Good news for me is they put me on a psychotropic, which is almost familiar enough to enjoy but makes me feel a little funky for sure.

Realizing and recognizing I am just holding on to some stupid need to try to make things better and heal, and that the healing has to start within me at this point. Really it’s all about me just finding a way to let go of the repetitive story in my head that just keeps haunting and hurting me.

Go to the Mountain and Pray

Today I took a hike to the medicine wheel that he and I used to hike to and pray at, the one we built together, journeyed at together and wept at together. Not for the sake of reminiscence, but because I needed to pray in nature and that was the right place for it.

I wept so deeply, even more deeply than I did yesterday. I wept to my core, I let my body shake with the pain, cried out to God as loud as the wailing wanted to come forth. Some poor college kid walked up in the midst of it and I pretended I didn’t see him and just kept crying because I needed to not stop the flow.

“Why God? Why do we hurt the people we love? Why are we so fucked up? Why couldn’t this have ended sweetly? Why did it have to get so fucked up? Why did you take him from me? I want to understand why humans have to hurt each other this way? I want to know, I want to understand. Please God send me some angel, some light, some way of knowing how to do this?” And I let the tears keep coming as long as they wanted, with sobbing and wailing free to be. Then I stood up and walked the circle, tapping sticks, wanting to sing, but no voice could come, so I prayed more. “Forgive me God. Forgive me for my lies, for my anger, for my mistakes with this man. Forgive me God for creating drama when I could have accepted what is, forgive me God for not listening to the many calls that were given to me. You gave me so many signs and I wouldn’t listen, I wouldn’t see, I wouldn’t pay attention. I was not listening and you were screaming at me. How many signs did you send me? How could I have been so blind? How can I forgive myself God? Please teach me to forgive myself. I can forgive him all of it, but I can’t forgive myself.”

Then it all dawned on me suddenly. Most of the pain I’ve been feeling, most of the remorse and the suffering are because of the way I have acted. I’ve been ashamed of my own behavior, I have been acting like I need him and my ego has been so attached to wanting him back, when really I could never go back to him. I need to forgive myself. I’ve forgiven him, I’m not even upset with him or mad at him, I’m angry at myself. Angry at myself for not listening, for not heeding the multitude of signs and signals. I am angry at myself for trying to hold onto something I need to set free.

I walked back down singing: “I am free” and I’ve been feeling blessed and blissed since! Think I will sleep well tonite. I am free.

I forgive myself for being scared, vulnerable and afraid of walking into my higher destiny. I forgive myself for not listening to the voice of love screaming at me that there is more for me. I forgive myself for acting out and for letting my ego rage. I forgive myself for hating myself.

Surrender to love

The process of letting go, of surrender, of finding peace in not having that which I desire is quite the journey of working with the ego. My ego is really needing more conversation, more dialogue, more time to process, more attempts at convincing, making him see the light, and ultimately suffering. The ego is such a trippy companion to observe.

Letting go doesn’t negate all that I feel, it doesn’t make it hurt less, it doesn’t make me think of him less, but my feeling is that if and when I can truly get to that place of letting go, then, and probably only then, will I find peace with it all. I can’t change what he wants or needs, and I can’t change how much I love him no matter how I try. That much I've finally accepted. What is is.

What I can change is how I am living in this experience inside. I can choose a little patience, allow more space, cultivate more love and connection with myself in this time and find the places I haven’t been giving enough to myself rather than focusing on what he isn’t giving me. I can find ways to give more to myself.

Tonite was one of the first nights since I returned from FL, and one of the few since I left Costa Rica that I have just allowed myself just to hang out with myself, my tabla and a good book. I did have a great nite in Crestone of that nature too. I really enjoyed being there with all that stillness and that great book on “The Way of Love.” I have had a very hard time just letting myself be alone and still, or even practicing. In the morning my thoughts are so troubled and all I want to do is talk to him, but he doesn’t answer the phone, doesn’t even turn the damn thing on anymore. I know it’s not just me, he has always had the tendency to avoid people thru non-communicative shut downs when he’s overwhelmed. Somehow it’s still hard not to take it personally when I so want to be heard.

Started another good book tonite, "The New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle, and it’s all about working with the ego and learning to act in higher, more conscious ways. It’s feeding me, that and the quietness of this night alone and in enjoyment of it at last.

No Logic to Love

It’s as if God is telling me there’s no use here to struggle or try to decide what I can do with my tender heart. God is saying, “surrender to this love more deeply than you ever have and await it’s return,” and I’m asking God, “What? Are you crazy? How can I possibly consider waiting or hanging around for more heartbreak?” And then I ask myself, how can I argue with God.

There is no logic to love, no rational figuring with the strange and mysterious ways of true love. There is no time, no space, no comprehending it’s grip on the heart and soul. Beyond all the human drama and crap that I endured with this man, beyond all of that, there is this inexplicable deep love that try as I might, I can’t shake, I can’t let go of, I can’t forget. Every other man I spend time with only affirms my love for him, every other man I spend time with is like a bumbling dork, clumsy and so unrefined, and not knowing how to touch me, how to embrace me, how to bring my heart to stillness.

Then there's this little voice and God is telling me, “Wait, be patient and forget other men right now, find yourself, listen to me and allow this love to deepen.” Of course, some part of me knows there is no other choice. The love that we have for each other is not of this world, and won’t perish in this world, it won't perish even when we do. Many times over these 7.5 years I heard God’s voice, “He is your betrothed in this world and the worlds beyond,” and “You belong to him and him alone and there is no reason to be jealous or lose faith, you will be together thru the end of time.” And in my heart of hearts, beyond everything, I know this to be true. Oh how my personality and ego struggle with it sometimes though.

So what the hell am I supposed to do with it? All day today, being with this new man, I’ve been just disappointed and kind of uninterested. He's a nice guy and all, but just no comparison in any way and no spark, no chemistry, no magic. A few nites ago, laying next to my beloved before this trip, the energy I felt rushing thru my body was like fire. I couldn’t sleep, and I could tell by his breathing that he didn’t sleep either. The electricity between us, the magnetism we share is like fiery magic breathing thru our very pores.

And in a moment tonite of such deep reflection and inner stillness, this voice comes thru saying, “There is no other, just be with yourself and love him more, love him deeper, love him with all the devotion that you have for him.” I’m thinking maybe God took a little too much lithium water tonite too because this just sounds like a recipe for heartbreak and is scaring the crap out of my ego.

And yet, it feels like the truth of my heart speaking, because he is the love of my life, my ex. He is the only one who has ever touched me in the ways he has, inside, outside, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and when I get really really honest with myself, regardless of all the shit that has happened, he is the only one I want to be with and I see him growing into everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. I see him as God, I see him having the potential and the wanting to actualize that potential that would be the perfect compliment to me on every level. Maybe I’m just crazy. I don’t know, all I know is he is in my every waking thought still, and when I take walks into nature, I feel him with me, loving nature thru me, I feel him waking with me and sleeping with me, and I can not deny that if there was anything I could do to bring him back to me, I would do it.

And then there’s God’s voice, telling me there’s no use in being with other men, it’s a waste of my precious time and energy and just love the one I love like no other and find God in that love. How can I argue with God?

Returning Home: The Inevitable Challenge

Coming back from my travels, I tried to avoid him. I was afraid to go out for fear of running into him, as I had gone a whole 12 days with no contact which was the longest yet for me and I didn’t want to blow the momentum. I was feeling stronger, I was feeling righteous in my anger, and sickened to my core by his lies and betrayals.

And of course, the first night I went out, I ran into him, his eyes sad and begging for my attention. He had called me 15 times in the past 24 hours, and I had refused every call, but there he was sitting in front of me, more beautiful than ever in his pain, sincerely loving me and caring more than I had ever imagined he could. How could I not give him a chance to speak? He apologized through teary eyes, said he could understand if I didn’t want to be friends with him, that he deserved that, he said he missed me.

My wanting to harden heart softened, and he had worked his way back in again. We saw each other almost every day last week, and spent one night together and now I am trying to find a way to work with him on his terms to maintain some connection. I am trying to accept that our love is too great to just ignore and shut off, and also that he is really needing time alone, and maybe with other women.

I’m dating, anyone and everyone I can to take my mind off of him, fill a little time and space, get a little affection. I’m trying as hard as I can to want another man, to be attracted and turned on by another body, another pair of lips, another mind. Yet my heart can not deny the truth, nothing compares to him, nothing comes even close. He is classy, elegant and refined in ways that most men aren’t. He is tender, soft and sensitive where most men are crass and rude. He is the lover of all lovers for me, knowing just how to touch my body, just where to kiss me, just how to hold me to open me fully into bliss and orgasmic waves of joy. How can any other man even come close?

Am I doomed to just waiting for him to return? My life will be intertwined with him for at least this next year. Eventually he will start dating and I’ll have to deal with those emotions. Eventually I’ll have to be the one to walk up to his date, as he did to mine the other nite, and introduce myself, try to not rip her face off and spit jealousy at her. I dread the moment, but if I can find grace in it, as he does, maybe it can show him the depth of my love more than anything. I have always respected that part of him that doesn’t get jealous but that warmly loves the men who I’ve been attracted to. He is so gracious in that way, and I have much to learn there from him. I just pray that when he dates, he finds what I am finding, that there is no substitute for love built over time, there is no substitute for depth and true caring, there is no replacement for years of shared life and understanding. I pray I can give him the space, and that he will soon realize how rare it is for two people to share what we shared in devotion, love and depth.

And I must also release all expectation of that.

Grief to Gratitude: Seeing the Why

Just home from a beautiful kayak journey with my father. Somewhere along the way I had a revelation of gratitude and God spoke to me to remind me that everything that happened, the way it all went down, was for a reason. The reason was to show me the truth, to help me, not to hurt me and make me suffer, but to help me to move on faster seeing what is real and what is my own illusion of what I want him to be.

It’s ironic, but laughable now suddenly. For weeks I have been heartbroken that he could in less than 2 weeks not just have a nite of sex with someone he just met, but start a relationship and be talking to her all the time as if she were his new best friend, replacing me. My ego has been bruised, and tortured by this for weeks and I feel like the clarity that came through tonite has me almost laughing at the obviousness of it all.

How much more clear could it be? Spirit showed me all of this for a good reason, that reason is to LET GO and move back to love: his betrayal to himself first, then his lies to both she and I, and his lack of concern for my well being and health, all of this was really just to give me the reminder of why I had chosen to leave and to affirm my decision was the right one.

I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to get this. I’ve been so caught in the pain and the grief, I couldn’t see straight. I was in love with a lie. I have been taking it all on, blaming myself for everything. Telling myself, “I pushed him into this way of being, if I were softer and more chilled, he would feel safe telling the truth.” But he lied to this new woman first thing, so it’s not about me anymore. Telling myself, “maybe I can fix things up if I can just let him have space he’ll want to come back to me, and if I can just relax and not be so hurt or upset with him, and just forgive him, maybe things could work out and we can be happy again.” How could I really not see this sooner?

Now this doesn’t take anything away from the mistakes I made. I certainly played my part in contributing and I’m not going to just be one of those people who blames him for everything. I agreed to be lied to, I agreed to eventually harbor resentments about it, I agreed to and contributed to much that wasn’t good for either of us, and I am fully aware that I have some of my own serious stuff to work on and deal with. It does however, give me some perspective shifting clarity and I think tomorrow will be a different and new day with a new lens with which to look thru the world with.

Threshold

May 24, 2010

I am reading a great book right now and sucking up literally every bit of information, advice and support I can find on how to find my way through the obsessive thoughts and sickening feelings that seem to continue to plague most of my days and almost all of my alone time. Who have I become? Wow! I had no idea this could happen to me. Truly, it’s astonishing to feel what I do, knowing what I know and seeing who I’ve been. It continues to be a humbling experience for sure.

I know I am at a very critical threshold in my mind and my heart where I have to let go to preserve my self. It has been almost two months since we “officially” split, and almost a month since I have seen him. The ups and downs have just been ridiculously unpredictable. For sure when I am focused on my work, playing with others, and presenting I am feeling like myself: strong, confident and beautiful. There I can share, feel totally grounded and unhindered by any thoughts or reminders of him. It is my one saving grace in this time and I am so grateful that I have the world of music and community building to sink myself into at least some of the time. My work is carrying me and I am more in love with that part of my life than I ever have been, and more devoted.

The problem is there is a lot of down time in my work, time where I need to work alone, and I am still spending far too much of that time thinking, dwelling and brooding over the loss of my lover, and what he’s up to now, with whom, etc. The solid ground that we left things on has been shattered by the earthquake of his rebound and all that it has shown me and brought up in me. When I was in Costa Rica, before I knew about his rebound, I felt like I could do this with much more ease, I had faith that he truly did want to be working on himself and that I didn’t need to even deal with thoughts of other women entering the picture for some time. We had even made an agreement that we would give each other atleast a few months before getting involved with someone else, even casually, so that we could both heal and feel safe and honor the depth of our 7.5 years together in that way. It was all shattered and the ground beneath me feels anything but solid, more like an undulating tidal wave about to break and devastate everything in it’s wake.

However, this book I’m reading is helping me to draw on some deep wisdom and gain clarity. It’s on a topic I’ve never heard of before called, “Gaslighting.” My girlfriend gave it to me to check out and I’m finding so much wisdom, resonance and awakening in it that sometimes it’s too intense to read. Sometimes I see myself all too clearly and the roles and contributions I have played in not only damaging the relationship, but in being so blind to so many warning signs early on that could have saved me years of being with a man who often mostly only had his own interests at heart. And I’m not saying he didn’t love me or care for me, but when I look clearly at all the signs, all the truths that happened, without trying to explain them away or take responsibility for them myself, it is clear that he was far more invested in preventing even a moment of discomfort for himself than he was in being honest, transparent or truly caring for me and my needs for honesty and trust.

One of the things the book recommends is to keep a daily journal, and I am remembering how much writing this blog helped me in the early stages to have an outlet and a way to put the emotions into form. I am feeling called now to return to the writings on this process. Maybe someday, this can help someone else, maybe someday some other woman in my shoes will find some comfort and solace in my heart’s sharing.

I’m literally taking advice and gathering info everywhere. Everyone I speak to about it, and everything I read is telling me the same thing: No Contact for at least 30 days, and some say 60-90. I’m on day 5 of not talking to him, and the desire is so strong and impulsive it’s stupid. And I don’t even really have anything to say to him, but the pull is there, magnetically obsessively neurotically calling for me to pick up the phone.

This is proving to be just like any other addiction I guess. The withdrawl, the almost uncontrollable urges to call, text, or email are scaring me with their obsessive nature. People tell me that this is all normal, but I am not convinced, because I feel so sick, it can’t be normal. After doing some research I am pretty sure that I have a tendency towards being OCD on top of what may be normal. I see it in my parents being here in their home and it triggers lots of memories of what I was exposed to as a child by their stuff they didn't take the time to look into or heal.

Surely this can’t be normal! He doesn’t seem to be feeling this way or acting this way, he seems to be doing just fine and acts like he’s totally over it all. He could care less what I’m doing or who I’m doing for that matter. Perhaps it is because he has his rebound girl to call whenever he feels the urge to call me, so he can just in essence use her to replace me. Everything I read about rebounds says it won’t last long, and that the faster someone rebounds, the more they loved their ex and that it is their way of dealing with a grief that is too hard for them to manage any other way but by distracting themselves with a new intrest. Learning about it is the only place I have for comfort. To be honest, I feel for her. I can’t imagine being in those shoes and am so glad I’m not! Seriously, to get involved with any man fresh out of an almost 8 year relationship is just not the most intelligent thing to do no matter what the chemistry is. It’s a recipe for trouble and heartbreak and any wise grounded woman would see that from miles around and steer clear. I feel kind of sorry for her more than anything, she’s going to get slammed in this way more than she can know because he’s totally repeating the same old pattern with her that he’s trying to break out of for himself of being dependant on a woman to fill the void he needs himself to fill, lying to her and deceiving her too. Obviously she's got her lesson to learn here too and was probably lonely and looking to fill her own void. I know he doesn’t love her, he straight up told me he doesn’t and that it was just sex, that she “reminded” him of me. Now there’s a good one, and according to all the books and articles I’ve read on rebound, it’s classic. That’s what people do is they find someone that reminds them of their ex and then they repeat the same old drama trauma but usually with an accelerated pace which is why rebounds rarely last long. He admitted he doesn’t know what he feels, and how the heck could he after less than 2 weeks out of my arms and crying like a baby when he left.

I guess I really have been living in some serious delusions on who this man is/was. I really believed he wanted time alone to sort himself out, I really believed he meant it when he said, “If I wanted to be in a relationship, I’d be coming back to you, being with another woman would be the worst possible thing I could do to myself.” I believed him when he sang that song, “Let it be me..” to me in the kitchen that night thru teary eyes saying that I was the love of his life. I believed him when he told me that he would take care of me and be there for me always. I believed in him. I believed in this sweet, charming, fantasy guy who would always cherish me. What I apparently wasn't believing in, was my own ability to give myself those things fully, I allowed him to take that role and now am shattered that he's checking out.

The big black wise woman who lives in my higher self is standing there shaking her head with her hands on her hips. She’s looking at me and laying it out cold and hard for me, she’s saying, “Girl, what planet have you been living on! Come on back to earth girlfriend: a man's a man and he like your mama told you, "a leopard ain't gonna change it's spots for nobody." Now come on girl, why would you be sad or grieving for one moment longer that this man is finally out of your life and you can finally rest in the knowingness of how much more you deserve.”

That big mama is so right on and I know she's right.

So what am I feeling sad about exactly?

Step by Step

May 10, 2010

It’s been too difficult and too busy to sit and write lately, and with all of my own fumbling and falling into the abyss of fears, insecurities and insanity, I haven’t even wanted to. I’m ashamed of myself in ways I never knew possible for a “woman like me.” I’ve acted and behaved in ways I can’t even believe are true and seen my dark side for sure! I'm still standing, but barely and I've been dragged down by my own choices of holding on too much to something that's only hurting me. Much to consider, and I have a long way to go to be home fully in the light I know I will return to.

In between the last post and this one, I discovered many truths within myself and about this man I am weaning myself from that were shocking, disheartening and mind boggling at best. He was indeed disconnecting, and for good reason. Within 10 days of leaving me in Costa Rica, he had already started a new relationship. I guess this wouldn’t have been so shocking if I hadn’t heard over and over out of his mouth the words, “getting involved with another woman would be the worst possible thing I could ever do for myself,” and “I have no interest in being with another woman for a long time, I need to be with myself.” I felt so betrayed, deceived and bullshit overall that it triggered every negative emotion and hurtful cell in my body, from abandonment to betrayal to anger and jealousy to total insanity.

I stopped sleeping. Anxiety took me over. The first knee jerk reaction was to immediately find the hottest guy I could to have my own rendevouz with which was actually a sweet reprieve from it all and very comforting to help me through those first few shocking days. It also allowed me some compassion as I felt how fast I could feel deeply moved to my core being in such a vulnerable place of loss and lonlieness. I could relate to him seeking comfort out of the intense inner pain, and grief. I could at some level understand how my ex could easily have been led into the arms of another woman and even how he could convince himself that it was deep and meaningful because of his need to feel that it is to validate his actions. So my heart was compassionate and I gained a lot of clarity through sharing a few hot and steamy nights with a new young hottie, and for sure it granted me some distraction and release.

Arriving back in Boulder however, where he had insisted on picking me up from the airport, my ex and I were irresistibly drawn to each other and after he assured me he had used protection with her, I allowed him to make love to me again two times before I found out the truth of his bullshit and that he had indeed lied to me once again.

Somehow this lie totally threw me over the edge and helped me to get a little closure on it all and recognize how many lies I have dealt with in these 7 years, especially around women, sexuality and important issues of this nature. I felt totally used and undervalued and deceived. It felt like he was willing to risk my life for the avoidance of me saying no to him sexually and that felt really horrible.

Being who I am, I cranked into support needed mode and called on my sisters. I did two women’s circles with amazing strong women and sister friends of mine. The first circle was with my elder sisters, who are all in their late 50’s and 60’s that gave me more clarity, offered me some deep insight into how much I had been containing my self, blaming myself in defense of him, and utterly disrespecting my own needs in the relationship. They helped me to see where I was addicted to him, how I would blame myself before holding him accountable, my own misconceptions of what “good” means and the lack of community that the relationship had created by isolating me in lala love land. The elder women offered me wisdom, strength and a very no bull shit perspective to what I was hooked on with him, and what I needed to let go of to move on fully. The sister circle the next night was a blast into my potential and my new life, a supportive, nurturing, prayerful time of reflection and gentle compassionate support for me to move forward in with a knowingness that my potential is far beyond what I have known in the past. All of it was about letting go, surrendering, accepting, moving forth and being in my power around it all.

Still somehow though, my heart has been hurting and sad. He looked like hell when I saw him the last few times, and he finally seemed to be hitting the reality of what he has now permanently damaged between us.

Now I am back home, with family and feeling like I’m starting to unravel even more. What am I doing?
Where am I going?
What is it that is going to bring me to more fulfillment?
Why do I still feel a hole in my heart when I think of losing him and when is that going to finally go away?

Suddenly everything feels insane,like the very core of my being is lost in the cosmos and I am swirling uncontrollably on emotional waves of anger, grief, sadness, sorrow, hatred, love, insanity.

I am exhausted, tired on an inner level in a different way than I’ve ever known. I look at my future and I’m not sure what I see, but most of it looks more sad than exciting and I feel, more than anything abandoned by the man I thought loved me and totally despairing of any hope that a man can really stand by his woman through life in the way that I dream of.

I look at the posts I wrote a few weeks ago and I wonder if that was the same woman, I feel like her total polar opposite. For all lite I had shared, I feel darkness consuming me and like the end is here and I am truly dying a slow painful death.

Journey Back to Self: 14

My new mantra: Let go and Flow.

Writing a new story is great, and I spent hours on the beach yesterday meditating and walking into new possible stories. I wrote a whole new one to change my perspective on all of this, taking all the responsibility away from him and empowering myself with action. He’s just emotionally incapable, just a confused man who doesn’t know how to do the right thing, doesn’t even know what the right thing is. He’s doing the best that he can, he’s emotionally immature, he’s just taking care of himself. That was helpful, and I’m really trying to believe those new stories, I’m praying to God that I can start to accept those. Yet in my somewhat sometimes sickened little angry head, I hear this voice saying, “Bullshit, he’s not doing the best that he can, he knows fully well how much this kind of avoidance and disconnect will hurt you, he’s doing it to sabotage what’s good that was left and to punish you and himself more than what is necessary.” So I took another walk this morning, fell to my knees on the muddy gravel road with the leaf cutter ants, and I cried to God to please have mercy on me and show me a way to find peace with this and to not be angry, not be a victim, not be hurt, not feel the rage I am feeling.

And so also I can find some gratitude that I no longer need to be dealing with this emotional unavailability in him any more. I can move into realizing how much I stopped my own growth by trying to constantly accept and be OK with this kind of behavior. I can be grateful that my relationships with others will no longer be jeopardized as they have been by the way he treats people.

Over the years, I had several people tell me they trusted me less because I was with him because they knew he wasn’t reliable, honest or totally transparent. How much damage did I do to myself there? And I was so blind, so hopeful that he would choose to step up to meet me that I continually lowered my standards and accepted his ways even when they hurt me, damaged my self esteem and activated the most intense emotions within me. What was I thinking to be with this man anyway? What was I thinking? A man who wouldn’t help his woman change a lightbulb in his own kitchen just to be defiant? What have I been doing for 7 years trying to talk myself into believing in his potential rather than seeing what others seemed to be seeing clearly?

Today's Mantra: Let go and flow.

Journey Back to Self 12

Day 12, Friday, April

After two days of soaking all day, I was a little mushy inside and out, and starting to feel a bit sad and concerned that maybe he could feel that I had allowed another man into my arms, and I wanted nothing more than to just hear his voice. It was a big mistake to call, and his coldness shocked me and left me distraught and emotionally devastated. I should have let him call me and not bothered, he just can’t really be emotionally available at all and ends up making me feel so uncared for in his distance, and so unappreciated. I need to write a new story, but he just keeps affirming the old one to me. My heart feels ripped back to shreds and I wonder why I continue to expect him to be available emotionally when he never really has been.

I have this deep need for resolution, and the way we got disconnected last night in the conversation when my battery died did not allow for the fullness of the exchange. His attitude was so cold I was shocked into anger and it was just at that moment that my battery died. I tried to call back but he wouldn’t answer and that just added to my feelings of disrespect and frustration. For me, just even trying to resolve it, talking it out can bring the peace of mind and at least some sense of understanding and mutual respect. It doesn’t mean we have to agree, but if each person gets to speak and share and be heard, then there is caring there, there is potential for learning and mutual respect. He can’t do it though.

He knows how much it affects me when he shuts down and won’t communicate, and I felt to my core than he was doing it intentionally to hurt me more and to be cruel. He knew I would want to complete the conversation and resolve the energy, and he just completely disengaged and did his typical abandon ship routine. He knows I won’t be able to sleep, I can’t sleep with unresolved issues between us, and he knows that damn well. Fucking coward… I hate to say it, but it is what it is and that man is a coward if I’ve ever known one. He can’t deal, so he just hides, runs away, shuts down and it is so sickening to me that he chooses that knowing full well how it affects me. It just shows me what I don’t want to see, he only considers protecting himself at the cost of hurting others. I’ve watched it for 7 years over and over with numerous people, so now I get to experience it full force and it sucks.

Journey Back to Self: 13

Day 13, Saturday,

A full day of movement, meditation, tears and going into the pain today with my friend Sofiah’s movement workshop. Found myself being resistant to moving at first, the pain just wanting to paralyze me, incapacitate me, ruin me. I moved though, and felt like nothing but a shell. Total empty, void of any substance, I felt dead but the movement reminded me I am still alive.

I felt like the body was moving, but the spirit, the soul was gone from it. Going thru the motions still held it’s own release on the physical level. I found myself just feeling hopeless and frustrated that I am back here again in this place of hurt and disappointment that I can not be met by him on any of the deeper levels I need to be met. My prayer was to let go, to release, but I felt trapped in the feelings all day and even when I got home.

Again, I am questioning my sanity at why I even care, and why I am so attached still. One of the other women in the workshop ended a 14 year relationship about a year ago, and it was inspiring to be with her grace and joy. She was so happy to be alone and so strong, and it inspired me to know that I too will be there soon and I know that place is available for me as soon as I can allow it fully to take root.

When I got home tonite, though in spite of my resolve to “think forward thinking thoughts,” I broke down again in deep mournful crying. Why did I allow myself to love so much? Why did I allow myself to love a man who wasn’t capable of loving me fully? Why did I choose a man who doesn’t even know who he is, who’s sexuality is so confused by the trauma of his childhood, who won’t get help, refuses to get help to heal and mature, who chooses to stay stuck in depression?

The aching in my core, the sickness in my stomach, the total grief of it took me over again tonite and I let it tear at me like a wild raging animal. And then I grabbed my drum, my ally, my friend, my confidant who hears all, and I sang thru my tears. I sang with the wounded voice of barely breathing grief, I screamed, I cursed him, I cursed myself, I prayed to God to give me some rest from this pain, to teach me to let go, to not plague my mind anymore by any thoughts of him, or wondering what he’s doing, why he won’t talk to me, who he’s sleeping with already, what friends of mine he will try to seduce. I played and sang and before I slept I returned to my mantra, “Forward thinking thoughts.”

Journey Back to Self 9-11

Days 9-11, Wed-Fri April 14-16

A three day escape was a welcomed distraction and nourishing blissful time for me. The trip was filled with sweetness, and therapeutic moments of stillness. I was gifted with many messages from angels that just seemed to see through me and spoke to me directly as if they knew my whole life, all about the break up, and all about what could be coming for me. One of the messages that seems to be coming through often was that this love could one day return, and honestly I can’t really bear to consider that one. While some part of me wants to remain open to that possibility, another part of me needs total closure and can not even consider having false hopes that may once again be disappointing.

I spent much time just feeling into myself, my edges, my stillness. My mantra that seems to be keeping me going is “Think Forward thinking thoughts.” When my mind wanders to him or to what he may be doing, I try to catch it and repeat that mantra until I can move back atleast into the present. In the morning when I wake, at night before bed, hearing Sinead O’Connor’s, “Nothing Compares to you,” at the restaurant feeling stalked by every man there.

I have to wonder in moments if there is a sign on my forehead now that says, “Suddenly Single” or some different phermone that I put off as a single woman because I can barely remember having so much attention from men as I have had since he has gone. I have had men literally chasing me down the street of La Fortuna here, inviting me for drinks, wanting to engage in deep meaningful conversation, proclaiming my beauty. Is it really so hard for men to consider that a single woman may be enjoying her solitude and her self because it seems there is this presumption that if a woman is alone, she must be wanting or looking for a man. It is sweet and flattering in moments of course, especially to have men who are barely in their 20’s checking me out and flirting with me and having no real idea that I’m almost old enough to be their mother.

One young man the first night here finally got me to stop and chat, and I quickly saw that he was one of those message carriers. I could feel the sincerity in his heart felt sharing on how much he wanted a good relationship and a spiritual woman and that he could feel that I had a different connection than most of the women he met there. He saw the value of partnership and was living his life in the hopes of finding that special woman who he could dedicate his life to loving because for him that was the essence of life, to share. He seemed to see right into the man who I’ve left, and it was almost like he was channeling, “He’s young and confused right now and maybe he will go for some time from woman to woman, but one day, maybe in a month or maybe in a year, he will realize what he has lost because you are a special woman, and he will feel sad. There are not many women like you and he will see that one day.” And I’m standing there almost crying thinking, “Who is this angel speaking thru this Tico man I’ve never met, and how can he see so clearly when he knows nothing of me?” But angels emerge as I am discovering daily.

I met a beautiful young man in the springs and shared a lovely evening with him, dancing, talking, sharing and even a little tender loving. It was refreshingly fun, light and free and was a gift to share love in that kind of free, open, transparent way. Being in his arms was actually quite comforting and brought me to feeling very beautiful, appreciated and even protected. It also offered me a little reflection on some of the places that another man would naturally step in in ways that my ex never did. A man at the disco tried to grab me, and my young jedi for the night instantly responded with protectiveness and assertiveness; it was a good reminder that I can have that in a man. My ex would never have done anything even if a guy was all over me, he was such a coward really in so many ways, so afraid of any kind of confrontation, emotional or physical that he would leave me to fend for myself before raising an eyebrow, much less a show of assertiveness or protectiveness.

Dancing was such good medicine for me beyond all of the soaking. My body just loves to move, and the sweat pouring over me is so cleansing here. I found my heart so expanded at the disco, just really loving everyone there and feeling so at home in that space. Music and dance connect people so fast, in their pain, in their grief and simultaneously in their joy. Literally, the moment my hips start to move, I’m in love again, pure and free. To be sharing that space and love with so many others is so fun and refreshing. It is my medicine for remembering life’s passion for sure, and I am so grateful that I got to go out for a night here with fun people I’d never met and just enjoy new friends in the groove, no stories, no drama, just joy shared in music.

So many profoundly beautiful messages in these few days, and yet nothing seems to take away the truth of truths for me: life without my best friend and without true deep meaningful love shared between two people is not bad or horrible, but it is more empty. If it were up to me totally, and I could create the world the way I want it to be, I’d create it with him being grateful and excited to share life together, I'd create it so we could find balance in being together and being strong in ourselves. I’d choose to walk this whole life with him and move thru any challenges that emerge to maintain the love. I loved sharing my life with him, even with it's challenges, it was always worth it for me.

Accepting, adjusting and re-claiming are necessary and valid, but there is no replacement and no way to fill the hole that's been left in my heart. God and spirit are there to fill some parts of it, but even that just can not replace the sweetness that a man and woman share who truly love and cherish each other fully. Nothing compares to that. Anyone who says "just find someone else," has never truly loved to their core. Finding someone else doesn't replace what is lost and gone. It only distracts the pain for a while. I will sit in it and wait, and find myself along the way. There is no hurry to fill up the hole. It has much to teach me.

Journey Back to Self: 8

Day 8: Monday, April 12, 2010

Monday Monday… Even here in the Pura Vida lifestyle, somehow Monday is a motivated day for me. It’s the day I want to get it all done, or at least started well, so that the rest of my week flows more effortlessly. I am finding less and less time being spent on thoughts of him, and more and more energy moving forward and this I give thanks for!

He did call today, and it was nice to chat and catch up. He is sincere in wanting to maintain our friendship, and I wish it was easier for me to be casual with him than it is. After knowing someone and being with them the way we were, to just be so casual feels strange to me, and I have much to learn still about being comfortable in this new relationship paradigm we seem to be exploring.

I am feeling stronger, more open and more like myself again though and I just hope that when I do see him again, I can maintain myself with strength and dignity that befits the Queen I am cultivating!

Monday Monday… tomorrow I am going to soak in the hot springs near Arenal for a few days, leaving my computer behind and allowing my brain a little time to turn off from the world. Much needed and much welcomed.

10-Reopening the Portal to Love

Day 7: Sunday, April 11, 2010

Feeling the impermanence of life this morning calling to me to live more fully, more passionately, more in a full time state of celebration. I wonder if it is the dreams I have just before waking, or just a cycle that recurs, but I wake sometimes with myriads of memories and thoughts of people I love who I want to be with, share with, play with, and love more. I wake feeling a deep intense longing that penetrates this existence to the core and leaves me feeling both a gratitude and a hopelessness. Gratitude for an amazing life, hopelessness in the knowing that this too shall pass. It feels empty, and unconditionally devastating in these moments of realizing that all of it will too soon be memories that will pass into nothingness.

I think of my family: my parents and all that they gave to me, shared with me, and how alone and sad they are now.  I think of how I wish I could go and take away all their sorrow and give them just a little bit of the joy I feel most of the time. My heart hurts for my brother who also may never know how life can be filled with mystery and the unfolding of dreams rather than a tedious, Murphy’s Law existence where things are bound to go wrong and bring troubles.

Memories of my nephew as a newborn, his little Buddha head covered in thick black hair and the pure love that shone from his eyes, enrapturing me in bliss and joy, and how different those eyes are now, in the same boy, 17 years later, already tired, exhausted and worn down a bit from life. All the amazing people who have graced my life, teaching, sharing, and walking with me for some part of this journey seem to all come at once, and in these pre-dawn moments I wonder for a moment if this is what it’s like in the moments before death. A flood of memories, moments of gratitude and despair, fullness and emptiness all at once laced with hopeless surrender to the impermanence of this life as we know it in physical form, ultimately waking me with the feeling that I should be celebrating and being with those I love.

I went right to the drum this morning and started my day off playing and singing, remembering the many beautiful mornings shared with others after a long nite of drumming the sun up. It all was feeling suddenly like the best thing I could possibly be doing was what I am planning for this summer of re-birthing myself: traveling, sharing my work, building community thru music making, and finding as many opportunities as possible to celebrate, learn and grow thru the Muses, drum, dance and be alive again. The years I spent doing the festival circuits and playing music all night were by far some of the juiciest, most magical, most alive times of my life.   They were what brought he and I together. It was in that space that I met and connected with this man who has taught me so much about love in these past 7.5 years. The years before I met him were what formed me as a priestess, and empowered woman.

Nothing else feeds me the same way as the all night magic of sharing fire, music and magic with hundreds of other people who also are ready to celebrate and be embodied beneath the starry sky.

Thus started my day today, and I spent much time in silent reflection before getting into some work.

Late in the afternoon I took a long walk on the Whale’s Tail, and started to hear the voice of the Divine Warrior Queen in me speaking to me, counseling me, reminding me. A voice I know well and have not allowed for too long to come forth. She reminded me to focus on the way I walk, the way I talk, the way I carry myself in this world so that I may attract what is truly worthy of my time, energy and attention and nothing less.

She reminded me to slow down, move with grace and elegance and to feel the sensuality that is woman. She reminded me to be alluring, to know my strength and fire, but to keep it well tucked beneath an exterior that is enamoring, magical and mystical as the feminine is, using my strength and fire only when it is necessary for survival, defense or reflection. She called for me to step into her fully, to become the queen that I am, to re-create myself in her image: beautiful, sensual, divine, erotic. She reminded me that I can have any man I wish, and that it is important for me to allow a man to see the places I need him to be in his power, so that I may rest in mine with grace. She walked with me while the rain came down and hasn’t left my side since.

This evening, a male friend here in town called and invited me to a pool party. I went, and I was feeling like a new woman.  Soft, sensual, divine, and enamored fully with myself to be quite honest. The effect it had on the men there was almost comical, and I thoroughly enjoyed feeling that old familiar feeling I haven’t felt in some time of being irresistible and enchanting. Loving not just the men there, but the women too, with my eyes and with my heart.  Feeling everyone there just receiving my love and loving me back. One sister shared with me, “I just feel this peace in your presence, you make me feel so good, I love being with you.” And one sweet gentle man was so taken by me that I almost felt guilty and concerned for him, “You’re the most beautiful woman in Costa Rica and you deserve someone who will always remind you that you’re the most beautiful woman ever.” I came home feeling so delighted, and so touched; so loved and cherished.

And all really because I am loving myself again. Stepping back into my Divine Warrior Queen and saying yes to celebrating life and sharing with others the love that I have kept only for one man for too long.

9-Dreamtime Feline Forces

Day 6: Sat, April 10, 2010

Woke up with a smile on my face today thanks to some super yummy dreams of being loved and pursued by two gorgeous sexy men I know here in town. It was nice to be getting the message that though part of me is sad and grieving, another part of myself has been ready to move on from this for a very long time.

Four years ago when I came to Costa Rica the first time to work with this project, I had a strong connection with one of those men that visited my dreamtime, and last year, I was so tempted by the other one, it was maddening. The second one still teases my mind often when I see him in town and the looks of knowingness of the passion untouched there are always sweet, fun and stimulating for sure.

Re-claiming my own feminine power and autonomy is the work at hand beyond any of it. Obviously, that is the clear message here beyond the boy toys with their super sexy surfer arms, perfect skin and laughing playful eyes.

My own work is moving forward into my own passions and purpose into new possibilities. I am very excited, and grateful that I feel some purpose and forward movement there.

The real work I can see is with my inner feminine who has been cooped up and denied her full reign for too long.

When I first got to Costa Rica, in January, there was a pretty strong realization that I needed to leave this relationship and that when I left here I would be leaving alone as a single woman. It was voiced and in the ethers between us for most of the time. We both really knew for the whole time we were here that we were moving out of "couple-hood." I think really we just wanted to enjoy this place and time together since we had both worked so hard to make it possible for us to be here together.

During that time, I was having recurring cat and wild animal transformation dreams. For weeks I had dreams that all had a similar theme.  In one a wild cat being tamed, or killed and my devastation around it. In another, my heartbreak around seeing the wild thing hurt. In many of the dreams the animal would transform from one thing to another in my hands or in my presence, or I was the animal changing from one thing to another.

In one of the dreams, perhaps the most vivid, I had been impregnated somehow by some wild alien feline thing and had given birth to these crazy cat like beings that started to attack me when I went to love them. I had to kill one of them in the dream, to beat it off of me before it killed me. I had to kill something I had birthed and wanted to nurture just to survive.  I was traumatized in the dream trying to escape from the others before they too attacked me. The symbolism was too clear to miss.

The feminine wild energy in me has been so subdued for so long. In order to make this relationship work, I had to put a lot of my own wild free energy on the back burner.    The wild woman who loves to play, sing, dance and make love to God all nite had been domesticated.

In essence, I had to be "the man" more often than I really wanted to. I was always taking care of him, always fixing his messes, picking up the slack and doing the work of both the man and the woman in this relationship. In all the time we were together, I never felt like I could relax into my feminine receptivity, or my wild feminine.

I kept our world together, even up to the very end. I was the grounded, practical, get it done one in the relationship. I kept up with all the bills.  I kept up with all the house maintenance, cutting the grass, fixing the car, and getting the oil changed.  It was me who knew how to get help here in Costa Rica when our car broke down, without freaking out and assuming, as he did, that we were “screwed” and the car would never run again. Any little thing here in Costa Rica, he reacted to like it was the end of the world. He was always frustrated here.  Frustrated with the pace of life.  Frustrated with the way things work, and he always seemed to go to the worst possible outcome in his mind before we even had the facts. I was the voice of reason, calmly moving on to do what needed to be done. I haven’t felt like a soft sultry wild woman in years and I am ready to rekindle her passion in me!

Sensuality was my domain before him. My work is all about it. Drumming, dancing, movement, fire, magic and trance are all the expressive forms of being and my passion and love for them is very indicative of my own connection to my sensuality. My love for nature, for the softness in the wind moving the leaves on the trees, for the way the rain feels when it mists my skin, for the sound of the ocean swirling and swishing onto the shore, all of this is the sensual feminine and my true and natural domain. I was not meant to be some domesticated wife like being in this life and I can see suddenly, as if blinders are off, how much I was the tamed wild thing, the attacking animal clawing at it’s captor to be freed, the docile tiny thing needing to transform into the cunning stalking hungry panther, ready to feast on life’s passion, life’s blood and the flesh of the divine.

The need to re-create myself is clear and evident. The call to go forth, fearless and unhindered any longer by a man who held me in some sweet love captivity for too long is no longer being shrugged off.

I welcome the call, I answer the call, and I accept the challenges therein to become an empowered passionate wild woman again!

12:30 AM

Just home from a delicious night of solo dancing at the bar. No one was there, and the music moved me.  I took great delight in taking over the dance floor and getting my groove on for a good 2 hours with no distractions and just feeling my body. Dream guy 2 was at the bar tonite and if I didn't know better, I'd sware he knew he had visited me in the dreamtime. The way his eyes kept coming back to me, drinking me in and the way he embraced me and held me, lingering after the normal greeting time didn't go unnoticed. I thought last year he may be a bit psychic and have some dream power, and definitely felt that again tonight. There is a part of me that wanted to totally fall into those arms, but this town is too small, and I care too much for our friendship.

The rekindling of my sensuality and feeling my power as a woman is welcomed.  The playful flirting is safe enough and good medicine for me right now. My wild woman is awakening and I call forth her power, passion, sensual, yummy, soft sweet grace to lead me, guide me, stimulate me, inspire me and remind me of the love I hold for myself that I can share with others.

I call forth the Priestess who loves many men for the healing of the earth, who fearlessly shares her self, body, mind, and spirit with men who are not afraid of her power and who will not bridle her.

I welcome the juicy, creative depths of my Goddess bliss thru my dance, thru my hands, thru my feet, thru all the Muses that move thru me.

Bring it on! I am ready and waiting!

8-Smoldering Fire Beckoning

Friday, April 9, 2010

It seems the challenge is to think forward thinking thoughts.  It is to not think of what’s done, what’s past, what can not be changed. I guess this is a challenge for many of us, in so many moments in our lives and is the ultimate path to finding total peace perhaps.

My goal today is just to stay tuned into the moment, and to what I really want to manifest moving forward rather than returning again and again to what is past. I’m back and forth still, and there is some deep stuff coming forth that I don’t want to just pretend isn’t there in this need to move on.

There is a fire smoldering around his memory.  While my rational, calm mind wants to talk me out of it, accept what is, and all of that groovy spiritual “it is what it is” stuff, I can’t deny it all totally either. The sadness is giving way to some anger today.   I really and honestly don’t want to feel angry at him, or myself, but I would be a liar to say I don't. 

There are so many things I could be angry about really. I could be angry at myself that I allowed him to take up so much of my life, and that I tolerated so much disrespect, so many lies, and such childish teenage behavior for so long. I could be angry that he left me to deal with everything he didn’t feel like dealing with, and that because of his lack of follow thru, I am out thousands of dollars sitting with a car that I can’t sell and that I am now driving illegally with the risk of it being taken and impounded if a police officer here wants to give me a hard time. There is plenty more there to be righteously angry about if I wanted to go there.

However, I feel sick again if I sit for too long with those thoughts, and I just can’t go into them today or ever again.  While it’s true that there is this underlying rage at the injustice and non-fairness of it all coming thru that makes my head hurt, and my stomach sick, I have to move from those old stories.  I have to move past them: both those that are true and those that may not be true, into something that is more productive and less painful.   For my sake, for his, and for any possibility of a continued friendship with this man that I know in my heart never truly meant to hurt me in the ways that he did, I must move past the anger into forgiveness. He is still only a boy in there, lost and scared of his own reflection.   In many ways, I am still a little girl, wanting only to be loved and taken care of.  I must find compassion for both of us.

So today, I’m choosing to focus on each moment: long walks, beach time and enjoying being quiet, still and unattached to my past with him. Today I affirm to allow space for whatever is coming next in my life, to be non-emotional for a whole day and just move thru the day with a kind of detachment but as a practice in non-attachment rather than a disconnect. I can not bear the pain of feeling disappointed or sad today, nor the smoldering fire of anger.

Today I want to enjoy the beauty of this place, swim in the ocean, walk in the jungle, talk to the monkeys and delve into my practices.

Today: Yoga, Beach, Music, Walking, Reading and bed. My prayer tonight is to wake up in gratitude.

7-A Step Forward

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Today was perhaps the most neutral day yet emotionally. No big ups, no big downs, just a mellow consistent pulse of life, sharing, and the present moving thru me. I managed to stay mostly busy all day with a good amount of deep relaxation and stillness.  Stillness that actually didn’t toss me into sadness or grief. Getting right to work was definitely a good idea today. I woke up at 5:30 AM, remembering that I had missed a deadline for an article submission in all of this emotional upheaval, and just kept moving into the present with each moment today. I even got a massage.  The first one in 6 months.  

It was a pleasant day for sure. I may even start to enjoy having total freedom again to be like the wind.  To move when I want to move.  Sit when I want to sit.  Go where I want to go, when I feel to without the need to work with or around his needs. Truthfully, his presence changed a lot of the way I normally move thru the world. Every little detail had to be negotiated for a good part of our relationship.   I was usually the one who would compromise my desires.  I even went so far as  making myself believe I didn’t have any for some time.

I’m sure he didn’t mean to, but he had a way of making me feel bad if he didn’t get to do the things he wanted to do, when he wanted to.  Being fair, I imagine he might often have felt the same way. For most of our relationship we shared my car.   Here in Costa Rica, we shared one car we both contributed to and so we often had to compromise.  I just found that usually I would be the one to offer to stay home so he could go to work, or go ski, or go surf or whatever it was, and his world grew while mine shrank in scope, friends and social time away from home.

I feel a bit exhausted, tired and emotionally spent.  I am also inspired and encouraged by the love and caring I’ve felt from those I’ve run into today. I’ve had several friends call lately just to check in on me, and have so appreciated the tenderness in them asking me “How are you doing?” It does bum me out that the one I considered my best friend for so many years hasn't called to check in at all. I'm trying to not feel hurt by it, but I do feel a little hurt there, I can't lie. It would comfort me to know he cared enough to ask.

Even though I’m sitting in this house on the hill alone, I feel a little less lonely tonight, a little less sad, and a little more ready to move forward than I did even yesterday.

Little by little, I know I’ll move thru this and find myself there smiling, waiting for myself to fly back into the world with all the light and love of my divine warrior Priestess queen shining brightly again.

I rest tonight in gratitude for those who have shared this day with me, and for those who I know are sending me love and support across the miles.

There is love always waiting, and it will always be there if I can just open to receive and be willing to be real, vulnerable and present with it all.

Tonight my prayer is for tomorrow being one step forward, and back to my self.

6-Still Alive in Paradise

Wed, April 7, 2010
6:30 AM

So much for the upswing.

Short but sweet relief yesterday and today I’m a mess again.  I couldn’t fall asleep last nite.  My mind was too attached and too saddened with thoughts of him already dating and moving on. Even as much as he says he needs time alone, there's a knowing in me that he has desires for being with other women, younger women most likely, cuter, and sexier than I can compete with nearing 40. Even though some of his final words to me were "Getting involved with another woman right away would be the worst possible thing I could ever do to myself," there's a sick spot inside me knowing that the very first opportunity he gets he will start the same cycle all over again. If I know anything of the nature of men, this is pretty likely for a guy like him. I can feel too much of him still and I woke up praying for detachment, praying for the heart strings to be cut that connect me to him, trying to go in and detach them myself, and eventually I surrendered to tears, and they are still coming.

Being up here on the hill, I can wail, let the pain come out thru these tears, groan, moan and scream, and so I am.  I tried desperately to reach out to some friends, but no one answers the phone at 7 AM, so as a last resort, I called him, and surprisingly, it helped. He is such a good friend, and my love for him is so much more profound than I can understand. Just hearing his voice brings me back to some sanity at least. He offered a good piece of advice and reminded me to enjoy this place while I’m here, and indeed I need to do that! So I'm off to swim and remember that I'm still alive in paradise.

Today’s Work: Focus fully on the NOW, future possibilities, and the magic of this place
=======
2:30 PM

Once again, I am reminded of the grace of listening. I left the house to go to my usual beach spot, and something guided me to a different beach, a beach I rarely stop at. It was beautiful and totally deserted. I had a very pleasant morning to myself at the beach, catching some waves and just playing in the super clear water and enjoying the simple pleasure of swimming in the ocean.

As I was getting ready to leave, a car pulled up.  A woman with two men got out.   I felt some connection to the woman and I thought to myself, “Wow, I must be feeling pretty pathetic to just want to go up to this random woman and hang out just to have some company and companionship.”  I  started getting ready to go, but something was pulling at me to not go yet. I noticed she was checking me out a bit too, and so I just decided to go sit on the beach for a few minutes and relax just to open up to whatever might be happening.   Maybe there was some reason I was supposed to talk to this woman.

Just as I was getting ready to put my towel down, she came closer and said my name, both first and last.  I looked at her, but didn’t recognize her, so how did she know my name?   She was right in front of me now, and introduced herself and to my total surprise, it was a girl I had gone to highschool with, whom I hadn’t seen in 22 years. How in the world she recognized me after 22 years, or even thought to think it was me, is still boggling my mind. "Facebook," was her answer on how she recognized me and that she knew I was living in Costa Rica. We spent the morning together catching up and enjoying the re-newed connection, watching the surf, sharing stories and laughter and eventually lunch.

I feel so blessed that spirit led us both there, out of all the beaches around that we both could have chosen. I think it's the first and only time I've ever parked there, so the whole thing was pretty synchronic and clearly some kind of divine intervention.  Yet another angel emerging in the perfect time to support me in my process.   She was alone 7 years after her divorce, and was just re-entering the relationship world, and so it was just a wonderful thing to be with a strong woman, who went thru a much worse situation that I am going through, with 3 children to care for.   To share and reflect on the journey and to be reminded, more than anything else that I am being guided and cared for more than I can often see was a refreshing way to spend the morning.

I am back home now and feeling that the lesson for me today is to let spirit guide me more, to be more willing to go out into the world of possibilities with an open heart to receive the little gems that are waiting for me there.

I took a nice long walk tonite, collected some guava pods, and came back for several hours of tabla and drum practice in my little house on the hill.

Tonite's prayer is to wake with this remembrance of being watched over and not fall apart in the morning!