It’s as if God is telling me there’s no use here to struggle or try to decide what I can do with my tender heart. God is saying, “surrender to this love more deeply than you ever have and await it’s return,” and I’m asking God, “What? Are you crazy? How can I possibly consider waiting or hanging around for more heartbreak?” And then I ask myself, how can I argue with God.
There is no logic to love, no rational figuring with the strange and mysterious ways of true love. There is no time, no space, no comprehending it’s grip on the heart and soul. Beyond all the human drama and crap that I endured with this man, beyond all of that, there is this inexplicable deep love that try as I might, I can’t shake, I can’t let go of, I can’t forget. Every other man I spend time with only affirms my love for him, every other man I spend time with is like a bumbling dork, clumsy and so unrefined, and not knowing how to touch me, how to embrace me, how to bring my heart to stillness.
Then there's this little voice and God is telling me, “Wait, be patient and forget other men right now, find yourself, listen to me and allow this love to deepen.” Of course, some part of me knows there is no other choice. The love that we have for each other is not of this world, and won’t perish in this world, it won't perish even when we do. Many times over these 7.5 years I heard God’s voice, “He is your betrothed in this world and the worlds beyond,” and “You belong to him and him alone and there is no reason to be jealous or lose faith, you will be together thru the end of time.” And in my heart of hearts, beyond everything, I know this to be true. Oh how my personality and ego struggle with it sometimes though.
So what the hell am I supposed to do with it? All day today, being with this new man, I’ve been just disappointed and kind of uninterested. He's a nice guy and all, but just no comparison in any way and no spark, no chemistry, no magic. A few nites ago, laying next to my beloved before this trip, the energy I felt rushing thru my body was like fire. I couldn’t sleep, and I could tell by his breathing that he didn’t sleep either. The electricity between us, the magnetism we share is like fiery magic breathing thru our very pores.
And in a moment tonite of such deep reflection and inner stillness, this voice comes thru saying, “There is no other, just be with yourself and love him more, love him deeper, love him with all the devotion that you have for him.” I’m thinking maybe God took a little too much lithium water tonite too because this just sounds like a recipe for heartbreak and is scaring the crap out of my ego.
And yet, it feels like the truth of my heart speaking, because he is the love of my life, my ex. He is the only one who has ever touched me in the ways he has, inside, outside, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and when I get really really honest with myself, regardless of all the shit that has happened, he is the only one I want to be with and I see him growing into everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. I see him as God, I see him having the potential and the wanting to actualize that potential that would be the perfect compliment to me on every level. Maybe I’m just crazy. I don’t know, all I know is he is in my every waking thought still, and when I take walks into nature, I feel him with me, loving nature thru me, I feel him waking with me and sleeping with me, and I can not deny that if there was anything I could do to bring him back to me, I would do it.
And then there’s God’s voice, telling me there’s no use in being with other men, it’s a waste of my precious time and energy and just love the one I love like no other and find God in that love. How can I argue with God?
