Threshold

May 24, 2010

I am reading a great book right now and sucking up literally every bit of information, advice and support I can find on how to find my way through the obsessive thoughts and sickening feelings that seem to continue to plague most of my days and almost all of my alone time. Who have I become? Wow! I had no idea this could happen to me. Truly, it’s astonishing to feel what I do, knowing what I know and seeing who I’ve been. It continues to be a humbling experience for sure.

I know I am at a very critical threshold in my mind and my heart where I have to let go to preserve my self. It has been almost two months since we “officially” split, and almost a month since I have seen him. The ups and downs have just been ridiculously unpredictable. For sure when I am focused on my work, playing with others, and presenting I am feeling like myself: strong, confident and beautiful. There I can share, feel totally grounded and unhindered by any thoughts or reminders of him. It is my one saving grace in this time and I am so grateful that I have the world of music and community building to sink myself into at least some of the time. My work is carrying me and I am more in love with that part of my life than I ever have been, and more devoted.

The problem is there is a lot of down time in my work, time where I need to work alone, and I am still spending far too much of that time thinking, dwelling and brooding over the loss of my lover, and what he’s up to now, with whom, etc. The solid ground that we left things on has been shattered by the earthquake of his rebound and all that it has shown me and brought up in me. When I was in Costa Rica, before I knew about his rebound, I felt like I could do this with much more ease, I had faith that he truly did want to be working on himself and that I didn’t need to even deal with thoughts of other women entering the picture for some time. We had even made an agreement that we would give each other atleast a few months before getting involved with someone else, even casually, so that we could both heal and feel safe and honor the depth of our 7.5 years together in that way. It was all shattered and the ground beneath me feels anything but solid, more like an undulating tidal wave about to break and devastate everything in it’s wake.

However, this book I’m reading is helping me to draw on some deep wisdom and gain clarity. It’s on a topic I’ve never heard of before called, “Gaslighting.” My girlfriend gave it to me to check out and I’m finding so much wisdom, resonance and awakening in it that sometimes it’s too intense to read. Sometimes I see myself all too clearly and the roles and contributions I have played in not only damaging the relationship, but in being so blind to so many warning signs early on that could have saved me years of being with a man who often mostly only had his own interests at heart. And I’m not saying he didn’t love me or care for me, but when I look clearly at all the signs, all the truths that happened, without trying to explain them away or take responsibility for them myself, it is clear that he was far more invested in preventing even a moment of discomfort for himself than he was in being honest, transparent or truly caring for me and my needs for honesty and trust.

One of the things the book recommends is to keep a daily journal, and I am remembering how much writing this blog helped me in the early stages to have an outlet and a way to put the emotions into form. I am feeling called now to return to the writings on this process. Maybe someday, this can help someone else, maybe someday some other woman in my shoes will find some comfort and solace in my heart’s sharing.

I’m literally taking advice and gathering info everywhere. Everyone I speak to about it, and everything I read is telling me the same thing: No Contact for at least 30 days, and some say 60-90. I’m on day 5 of not talking to him, and the desire is so strong and impulsive it’s stupid. And I don’t even really have anything to say to him, but the pull is there, magnetically obsessively neurotically calling for me to pick up the phone.

This is proving to be just like any other addiction I guess. The withdrawl, the almost uncontrollable urges to call, text, or email are scaring me with their obsessive nature. People tell me that this is all normal, but I am not convinced, because I feel so sick, it can’t be normal. After doing some research I am pretty sure that I have a tendency towards being OCD on top of what may be normal. I see it in my parents being here in their home and it triggers lots of memories of what I was exposed to as a child by their stuff they didn't take the time to look into or heal.

Surely this can’t be normal! He doesn’t seem to be feeling this way or acting this way, he seems to be doing just fine and acts like he’s totally over it all. He could care less what I’m doing or who I’m doing for that matter. Perhaps it is because he has his rebound girl to call whenever he feels the urge to call me, so he can just in essence use her to replace me. Everything I read about rebounds says it won’t last long, and that the faster someone rebounds, the more they loved their ex and that it is their way of dealing with a grief that is too hard for them to manage any other way but by distracting themselves with a new intrest. Learning about it is the only place I have for comfort. To be honest, I feel for her. I can’t imagine being in those shoes and am so glad I’m not! Seriously, to get involved with any man fresh out of an almost 8 year relationship is just not the most intelligent thing to do no matter what the chemistry is. It’s a recipe for trouble and heartbreak and any wise grounded woman would see that from miles around and steer clear. I feel kind of sorry for her more than anything, she’s going to get slammed in this way more than she can know because he’s totally repeating the same old pattern with her that he’s trying to break out of for himself of being dependant on a woman to fill the void he needs himself to fill, lying to her and deceiving her too. Obviously she's got her lesson to learn here too and was probably lonely and looking to fill her own void. I know he doesn’t love her, he straight up told me he doesn’t and that it was just sex, that she “reminded” him of me. Now there’s a good one, and according to all the books and articles I’ve read on rebound, it’s classic. That’s what people do is they find someone that reminds them of their ex and then they repeat the same old drama trauma but usually with an accelerated pace which is why rebounds rarely last long. He admitted he doesn’t know what he feels, and how the heck could he after less than 2 weeks out of my arms and crying like a baby when he left.

I guess I really have been living in some serious delusions on who this man is/was. I really believed he wanted time alone to sort himself out, I really believed he meant it when he said, “If I wanted to be in a relationship, I’d be coming back to you, being with another woman would be the worst possible thing I could do to myself.” I believed him when he sang that song, “Let it be me..” to me in the kitchen that night thru teary eyes saying that I was the love of his life. I believed him when he told me that he would take care of me and be there for me always. I believed in him. I believed in this sweet, charming, fantasy guy who would always cherish me. What I apparently wasn't believing in, was my own ability to give myself those things fully, I allowed him to take that role and now am shattered that he's checking out.

The big black wise woman who lives in my higher self is standing there shaking her head with her hands on her hips. She’s looking at me and laying it out cold and hard for me, she’s saying, “Girl, what planet have you been living on! Come on back to earth girlfriend: a man's a man and he like your mama told you, "a leopard ain't gonna change it's spots for nobody." Now come on girl, why would you be sad or grieving for one moment longer that this man is finally out of your life and you can finally rest in the knowingness of how much more you deserve.”

That big mama is so right on and I know she's right.

So what am I feeling sad about exactly?