Today I took a hike to the medicine wheel that he and I used to hike to and pray at, the one we built together, journeyed at together and wept at together. Not for the sake of reminiscence, but because I needed to pray in nature and that was the right place for it.
I wept so deeply, even more deeply than I did yesterday. I wept to my core, I let my body shake with the pain, cried out to God as loud as the wailing wanted to come forth. Some poor college kid walked up in the midst of it and I pretended I didn’t see him and just kept crying because I needed to not stop the flow.
“Why God? Why do we hurt the people we love? Why are we so fucked up? Why couldn’t this have ended sweetly? Why did it have to get so fucked up? Why did you take him from me? I want to understand why humans have to hurt each other this way? I want to know, I want to understand. Please God send me some angel, some light, some way of knowing how to do this?” And I let the tears keep coming as long as they wanted, with sobbing and wailing free to be. Then I stood up and walked the circle, tapping sticks, wanting to sing, but no voice could come, so I prayed more. “Forgive me God. Forgive me for my lies, for my anger, for my mistakes with this man. Forgive me God for creating drama when I could have accepted what is, forgive me God for not listening to the many calls that were given to me. You gave me so many signs and I wouldn’t listen, I wouldn’t see, I wouldn’t pay attention. I was not listening and you were screaming at me. How many signs did you send me? How could I have been so blind? How can I forgive myself God? Please teach me to forgive myself. I can forgive him all of it, but I can’t forgive myself.”
Then it all dawned on me suddenly. Most of the pain I’ve been feeling, most of the remorse and the suffering are because of the way I have acted. I’ve been ashamed of my own behavior, I have been acting like I need him and my ego has been so attached to wanting him back, when really I could never go back to him. I need to forgive myself. I’ve forgiven him, I’m not even upset with him or mad at him, I’m angry at myself. Angry at myself for not listening, for not heeding the multitude of signs and signals. I am angry at myself for trying to hold onto something I need to set free.
I walked back down singing: “I am free” and I’ve been feeling blessed and blissed since! Think I will sleep well tonite. I am free.
I forgive myself for being scared, vulnerable and afraid of walking into my higher destiny. I forgive myself for not listening to the voice of love screaming at me that there is more for me. I forgive myself for acting out and for letting my ego rage. I forgive myself for hating myself.
