Thursday, April 8, 2010
Today was perhaps the most neutral day yet emotionally. No big ups, no big downs, just a mellow consistent pulse of life, sharing, and the present moving thru me. I managed to stay mostly busy all day with a good amount of deep relaxation and stillness. Stillness that actually didn’t toss me into sadness or grief. Getting right to work was definitely a good idea today. I woke up at 5:30 AM, remembering that I had missed a deadline for an article submission in all of this emotional upheaval, and just kept moving into the present with each moment today. I even got a massage. The first one in 6 months.
It was a pleasant day for sure. I may even start to enjoy having total freedom again to be like the wind. To move when I want to move. Sit when I want to sit. Go where I want to go, when I feel to without the need to work with or around his needs. Truthfully, his presence changed a lot of the way I normally move thru the world. Every little detail had to be negotiated for a good part of our relationship. I was usually the one who would compromise my desires. I even went so far as making myself believe I didn’t have any for some time.
I’m sure he didn’t mean to, but he had a way of making me feel bad if he didn’t get to do the things he wanted to do, when he wanted to. Being fair, I imagine he might often have felt the same way. For most of our relationship we shared my car. Here in Costa Rica, we shared one car we both contributed to and so we often had to compromise. I just found that usually I would be the one to offer to stay home so he could go to work, or go ski, or go surf or whatever it was, and his world grew while mine shrank in scope, friends and social time away from home.
I feel a bit exhausted, tired and emotionally spent. I am also inspired and encouraged by the love and caring I’ve felt from those I’ve run into today. I’ve had several friends call lately just to check in on me, and have so appreciated the tenderness in them asking me “How are you doing?” It does bum me out that the one I considered my best friend for so many years hasn't called to check in at all. I'm trying to not feel hurt by it, but I do feel a little hurt there, I can't lie. It would comfort me to know he cared enough to ask.
Even though I’m sitting in this house on the hill alone, I feel a little less lonely tonight, a little less sad, and a little more ready to move forward than I did even yesterday.
Little by little, I know I’ll move thru this and find myself there smiling, waiting for myself to fly back into the world with all the light and love of my divine warrior Priestess queen shining brightly again.
I rest tonight in gratitude for those who have shared this day with me, and for those who I know are sending me love and support across the miles.
There is love always waiting, and it will always be there if I can just open to receive and be willing to be real, vulnerable and present with it all.
Tonight my prayer is for tomorrow being one step forward, and back to my self.
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