8-Smoldering Fire Beckoning

Friday, April 9, 2010

It seems the challenge is to think forward thinking thoughts.  It is to not think of what’s done, what’s past, what can not be changed. I guess this is a challenge for many of us, in so many moments in our lives and is the ultimate path to finding total peace perhaps.

My goal today is just to stay tuned into the moment, and to what I really want to manifest moving forward rather than returning again and again to what is past. I’m back and forth still, and there is some deep stuff coming forth that I don’t want to just pretend isn’t there in this need to move on.

There is a fire smoldering around his memory.  While my rational, calm mind wants to talk me out of it, accept what is, and all of that groovy spiritual “it is what it is” stuff, I can’t deny it all totally either. The sadness is giving way to some anger today.   I really and honestly don’t want to feel angry at him, or myself, but I would be a liar to say I don't. 

There are so many things I could be angry about really. I could be angry at myself that I allowed him to take up so much of my life, and that I tolerated so much disrespect, so many lies, and such childish teenage behavior for so long. I could be angry that he left me to deal with everything he didn’t feel like dealing with, and that because of his lack of follow thru, I am out thousands of dollars sitting with a car that I can’t sell and that I am now driving illegally with the risk of it being taken and impounded if a police officer here wants to give me a hard time. There is plenty more there to be righteously angry about if I wanted to go there.

However, I feel sick again if I sit for too long with those thoughts, and I just can’t go into them today or ever again.  While it’s true that there is this underlying rage at the injustice and non-fairness of it all coming thru that makes my head hurt, and my stomach sick, I have to move from those old stories.  I have to move past them: both those that are true and those that may not be true, into something that is more productive and less painful.   For my sake, for his, and for any possibility of a continued friendship with this man that I know in my heart never truly meant to hurt me in the ways that he did, I must move past the anger into forgiveness. He is still only a boy in there, lost and scared of his own reflection.   In many ways, I am still a little girl, wanting only to be loved and taken care of.  I must find compassion for both of us.

So today, I’m choosing to focus on each moment: long walks, beach time and enjoying being quiet, still and unattached to my past with him. Today I affirm to allow space for whatever is coming next in my life, to be non-emotional for a whole day and just move thru the day with a kind of detachment but as a practice in non-attachment rather than a disconnect. I can not bear the pain of feeling disappointed or sad today, nor the smoldering fire of anger.

Today I want to enjoy the beauty of this place, swim in the ocean, walk in the jungle, talk to the monkeys and delve into my practices.

Today: Yoga, Beach, Music, Walking, Reading and bed. My prayer tonight is to wake up in gratitude.