Day 7: Sunday, April 11, 2010
Feeling the impermanence of life this morning calling to me to live more fully, more passionately, more in a full time state of celebration. I wonder if it is the dreams I have just before waking, or just a cycle that recurs, but I wake sometimes with myriads of memories and thoughts of people I love who I want to be with, share with, play with, and love more. I wake feeling a deep intense longing that penetrates this existence to the core and leaves me feeling both a gratitude and a hopelessness. Gratitude for an amazing life, hopelessness in the knowing that this too shall pass. It feels empty, and unconditionally devastating in these moments of realizing that all of it will too soon be memories that will pass into nothingness.
I think of my family: my parents and all that they gave to me, shared with me, and how alone and sad they are now. I think of how I wish I could go and take away all their sorrow and give them just a little bit of the joy I feel most of the time. My heart hurts for my brother who also may never know how life can be filled with mystery and the unfolding of dreams rather than a tedious, Murphy’s Law existence where things are bound to go wrong and bring troubles.
Memories of my nephew as a newborn, his little Buddha head covered in thick black hair and the pure love that shone from his eyes, enrapturing me in bliss and joy, and how different those eyes are now, in the same boy, 17 years later, already tired, exhausted and worn down a bit from life. All the amazing people who have graced my life, teaching, sharing, and walking with me for some part of this journey seem to all come at once, and in these pre-dawn moments I wonder for a moment if this is what it’s like in the moments before death. A flood of memories, moments of gratitude and despair, fullness and emptiness all at once laced with hopeless surrender to the impermanence of this life as we know it in physical form, ultimately waking me with the feeling that I should be celebrating and being with those I love.
I went right to the drum this morning and started my day off playing and singing, remembering the many beautiful mornings shared with others after a long nite of drumming the sun up. It all was feeling suddenly like the best thing I could possibly be doing was what I am planning for this summer of re-birthing myself: traveling, sharing my work, building community thru music making, and finding as many opportunities as possible to celebrate, learn and grow thru the Muses, drum, dance and be alive again. The years I spent doing the festival circuits and playing music all night were by far some of the juiciest, most magical, most alive times of my life. They were what brought he and I together. It was in that space that I met and connected with this man who has taught me so much about love in these past 7.5 years. The years before I met him were what formed me as a priestess, and empowered woman.
Nothing else feeds me the same way as the all night magic of sharing fire, music and magic with hundreds of other people who also are ready to celebrate and be embodied beneath the starry sky.
Thus started my day today, and I spent much time in silent reflection before getting into some work.
Late in the afternoon I took a long walk on the Whale’s Tail, and started to hear the voice of the Divine Warrior Queen in me speaking to me, counseling me, reminding me. A voice I know well and have not allowed for too long to come forth. She reminded me to focus on the way I walk, the way I talk, the way I carry myself in this world so that I may attract what is truly worthy of my time, energy and attention and nothing less.
She reminded me to slow down, move with grace and elegance and to feel the sensuality that is woman. She reminded me to be alluring, to know my strength and fire, but to keep it well tucked beneath an exterior that is enamoring, magical and mystical as the feminine is, using my strength and fire only when it is necessary for survival, defense or reflection. She called for me to step into her fully, to become the queen that I am, to re-create myself in her image: beautiful, sensual, divine, erotic. She reminded me that I can have any man I wish, and that it is important for me to allow a man to see the places I need him to be in his power, so that I may rest in mine with grace. She walked with me while the rain came down and hasn’t left my side since.
This evening, a male friend here in town called and invited me to a pool party. I went, and I was feeling like a new woman. Soft, sensual, divine, and enamored fully with myself to be quite honest. The effect it had on the men there was almost comical, and I thoroughly enjoyed feeling that old familiar feeling I haven’t felt in some time of being irresistible and enchanting. Loving not just the men there, but the women too, with my eyes and with my heart. Feeling everyone there just receiving my love and loving me back. One sister shared with me, “I just feel this peace in your presence, you make me feel so good, I love being with you.” And one sweet gentle man was so taken by me that I almost felt guilty and concerned for him, “You’re the most beautiful woman in Costa Rica and you deserve someone who will always remind you that you’re the most beautiful woman ever.” I came home feeling so delighted, and so touched; so loved and cherished.
And all really because I am loving myself again. Stepping back into my Divine Warrior Queen and saying yes to celebrating life and sharing with others the love that I have kept only for one man for too long.
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