Integration

Tonite, sitting in the company of sisters, sharing our hearts as women do, the stillness of love streams through me again. This year has been the most challenging yet of my entire life. I guess that's saying I've had a good life at nearly 40 as really things haven't been nearly as bad as what I've witnessed for some people my age! This year has taught me so much and has been such a profoundly heart opening, humbling and transformative year.

I have learned suffering's hell, walked with and into my heart fearlessly though certainly not always fearless! I have looked at and into the dark places of my ego and it's screaming incoherencies. I have allowed it to nearly destroy me with it's stories and selfishness. I have experienced and acknowledged grief and hung by a thread to God as my only remembrance of sanity and survival. I have cried tears enough to make a small lake. I have contemplated swimming far out to sea and drowning myself just to escape the emptiness and the void in my heart. I have danced depression's dark sultry lopsided melancholy monogroove.

I have been betrayed and gossiped about and have heard my name dragged thru the ethers from the lips of people who know not the truth but speak as if they do. I have learned how false friends can spew bullshit perceptions that are more self reflective than true about me or mine. Painfully, I have digested it all knowing how much I have loved and supported these same people knowing they only see some reflection of something they can't have compassion for within themselves. I have felt backstabbing and wanted to stab back but didn't.

I have screamed with the power of a thousand angered women moving thru me who know the pain of betrayal and grief.

I have died and am being reborn.

And out of the ashes I take and bring with me new wisdom. A real taste of the fullness of life. For now I understand more of these things that before I did not. My heart loves more because I never stopped loving, thru all of it, I never let the love be sacrficied. I loved those throwing stones. I love those who hate. I love this life and now I am touching wisdom's grace thru allowing myself to love thru every bit of it. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, even allowed myself to be hurt. I understand now Jesus's words, "turn the other cheek," with a new depth.

Now, I am as exposed, unravelled and unveiled as I can possibly be to myself, to my beloved, and in the eyes of God. There is nothing to hide, nowhere to run. I am here, fully present with all of it, with all of myself. "Only when we have nothing to hide can we be truly free." And so, I am free in a way I never knew before, it's all exposed. I am raw and real.

All I want now is to be an example of an authentic being
in love
in truth
in acceptance of what is.
Integration is happening within me! Bring it on!