A friend of mine went to a Vippassana meditation several years ago and shared with me that for years after he could hear the voice of his teacher in his head saying, "Start Again."
For some strange reason it stuck with me, and I seem to find that voice in my head pretty often even though I still haven't made it to a Vippassana Meditation.
Start Again. In this journey I am on of trying to find myself and heal from giving my heart, body and soul to a man who didn't really ever want it, I am hearing that voice again today. I'm beginning to feel like I'm on some kind of sick merry go round that just keeps bringing me back to the same trauma and pain over and over to give me another shot at "letting go," and every time I seem to fall flat on my face with it, bumbling into yet another reactive tantrum.
"Start Again" that little voice says, so calmly with a little dry accent on it, haunting my humbled heart in the realization that there is no other choice but to start again.
There is nothing left really of my self respect or dignity, I've trampled it all and desecrated myself in tears and lament to this man over and over crying, "I wish it could be different, I hate this shit." But what I really mean is, "I wish I could be different, I hate that I am still feeling so hurt, abandoned and disempowered around our break up." It's been almost 8 months for God's sake and I'm still crying and feeling lost and alone without him, especially if we don't talk for a few days or he doesn't call when he says he will, which he's been doing more and more lately. Why do I even care at this point? I mean, really, what kind of self respecting woman would still be so devoted to a man who so clearly is confused on what he wants. He wants to be with me, but only on his terms, when he wants to be, where he wants to be, how he wants to be. And I am just supposed to be the loving, devoted woman who is always there for him with open arms and a warm bed. A "glorified booty call" is what one woman called me. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and I've been sucking it all up, compromising every bit of self respect just to try to keep it alive. I've set myself up to swing around on that merry go round with "Nothing Compares to You" screaming from the horses mouths as they weep tears of grief.
Sometimes Grief just sneaks up and crawls into my heart, curls up in a little ball and eats at me slowly. Today has been one of those days, and the funny thing about that little bugger Grief is that it doesn't matter how beautiful the day is, once it's nestled in, it's nestled in. Today was gorgeous, sunny and warm for a winter day, a perfect day to enjoy life, to be bubbling over with gratitude for a little window of warmth, but all I could do was try to keep from crying. For three days I've been doing pretty well, not calling him and not answering his calls, and today, on the fourth day, my lesson is, "Start Again."
I simply can not even comprehend the depth of this truly. I feel a hole in my heart that goes all the way thru me, to the core. I keep thinking, every day that I will wake up and it will be gone, but the hole just stays with me. I have been praying, but maybe not hard enough. I have been really trying to sit with it all, meditating and trying to follow the Buddhist teachings of allowing all of it without judgement. I am reading A Course in Miracles and working with those excercises. Today's lesson was to apply the concept of meaninglessness to a thought, and since my little mind seems to be plagued with thoughts of my ex and sexual infedility, I applied it to those thoughts, and really worked with that all day. Still the hole is there.
I know that only God can fill the hole, and I also know that there is no replacement for my lover of 8 years. Even God can't replace him and the place he held in my life for 8 years. It's just a fact. People aren't replacable. No one else can ever replace my mother or my father, or my ex. It just doesn't work that way. So I talk to God, a lot, and I find some comfort and solace there, but still the hole eats at me.
I made a new friend a few weeks ago, his name is Ryan. I was at the book store reading a book on how to save your relationship and he sat down next to me by the fireplace and I just instantly liked him, he had great energy. I felt him far before I even glanced up, his energy was just sweet and safe and in my tender, vulnerable place, safe is getting big points. Probably ten minutes after he sat down, somehow we started chatting and I liked him even more. He has gentle loving honest eyes, cute little glasses, and a goatie, and just enough of a resemblance to my ex to make him feel familiar but in a new and brighter way. Ryan and I went on a hike yesterday, and as it turns out he is in a pretty similar situation with his ex of trying to detach and move on. So yesterday, Ryan and I made a pact to help each other get thru this time without going back, to even use each other when we need or want to connect with our ex's. I wish to God I was attracted to this guy, he's cute, even handsome and so sweet, but my heart just can't really be open to anyone else. At any rate, Ryan stayed over last night and this morning we cuddled for an hour or so, he just held me. No sexual energy, not even a lick, just pure, safe, innocent cuddling. I thought, maybe, just maybe, that would help me, but instead that ridiculous hole in my heart got bigger, much bigger. No cuddle can replace the main squeeze I loved so much for 8 years. It almost makes it worse to try to fill the space, it's just unfillable. He is irreplacable dammit.
So what to do?
Start Again. It's like I need to return to the jungles to get away from this man. I work with him, see him too much and all of it just continues to fester the wounds. I know I need to make a break, get out of dodge, leave this town far behind and just get away from him before he totally destroys every ounce of self respect I have but I don't know where to go, what to do, how to escape it and so I sit here pondering it all and hearing that voice in my head over and over again...
Start Again.
