The process of letting go, of surrender, of finding peace in not having that which I desire is quite the journey of working with the ego. My ego is really needing more conversation, more dialogue, more time to process, more attempts at convincing, making him see the light, and ultimately suffering. The ego is such a trippy companion to observe.
Letting go doesn’t negate all that I feel, it doesn’t make it hurt less, it doesn’t make me think of him less, but my feeling is that if and when I can truly get to that place of letting go, then, and probably only then, will I find peace with it all. I can’t change what he wants or needs, and I can’t change how much I love him no matter how I try. That much I've finally accepted. What is is.
What I can change is how I am living in this experience inside. I can choose a little patience, allow more space, cultivate more love and connection with myself in this time and find the places I haven’t been giving enough to myself rather than focusing on what he isn’t giving me. I can find ways to give more to myself.
Tonite was one of the first nights since I returned from FL, and one of the few since I left Costa Rica that I have just allowed myself just to hang out with myself, my tabla and a good book. I did have a great nite in Crestone of that nature too. I really enjoyed being there with all that stillness and that great book on “The Way of Love.” I have had a very hard time just letting myself be alone and still, or even practicing. In the morning my thoughts are so troubled and all I want to do is talk to him, but he doesn’t answer the phone, doesn’t even turn the damn thing on anymore. I know it’s not just me, he has always had the tendency to avoid people thru non-communicative shut downs when he’s overwhelmed. Somehow it’s still hard not to take it personally when I so want to be heard.
Started another good book tonite, "The New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle, and it’s all about working with the ego and learning to act in higher, more conscious ways. It’s feeding me, that and the quietness of this night alone and in enjoyment of it at last.
