Turning 40

Tonite is the nite before winter solstice, and also the last night of my 30's. I am dining alone at a 4 star restaurant, treating myself to a mini vacation on the beautiful Sanibel Island with a delightful meal and a beachfront room.

I am returning to my committment to forgive myself and re-affirming mantras I have seemed to neglect:
"Think forward thinking thoughts."
"No looking back."
"Let go and flow."
"Trust in the knowingness that all is in perfect alignment."

For too long I have been stuck in stories and thoughts of the past. I never, in my worst nightmares, imagined that I could go thru what I have gone thru in the past 6 months just from shifting out of a relationship, and certainly hadn't yet glimpsed the monster my mind could become thru attachment, anxiety, obsessiveness and fear. I'd never known or seen these dark corners, and would have even denied the possibility that they could exist in me up until a few months ago. Now I understand the saying,"Sometimes the truth hurts."

"Not me" my overinflated superior self would have said when I walked out of that relationship (or tried to LOL) in February. Ha Ha..the joke's on me. I have proven to also have a little wounded self that never had been given much attention apparently and once it saw an opportunity to jump in and show itself did so with such fervor and might that it knocked me senseless and sent me reeling into all kinds of unimaginable turmoil in my own mind. Suddenly all of the gates were unloosed and my wounded child was screaming and throwing tantrums at every turn, for any reason and with all the unpredictability of a tornado blasting thru a small peaceful village of happy people.

So now here I am turning 40 in a few short hours. Face to face with the totality of myself, and the polarity of myself. The Yin Yang, the Dark and Light of myself. One half Warrior Queen, righteous spiritual being, empowered woman, fearless, competent, leading people into rhythm rites and building community, author, "strong" woman archetype. One half scared, sad, abandoned, insecure, unworthy pauper child feeling lost and uncared for in this world. It doesn't get any more real than this. I guess I'm coming of age and moving into this new phase of my life as a truly humbled woman, reverent in new ways and softened by the compassion and grace I feel coming thru the willingness to be real with all of it.

Tonite is a full moon eclipse, a powerful opportunity for a turning point and new possibilities and my affirmation is to commit this year to myself. To take as much time as I need to become whole and fully in love once again with every little piece of myself. To give that little pauper girl all the love she needs to feel like the queen she holds within herself. To move as a True Queen with the needs of others held strongly in heart and mind to serve others as she would be served.

This is a year to toss aside all that doesn't reflect my truest and deepest values and callings.

Winter Solstice Baby... Happy Birthday to me!