Unfinished Business

Here I am again, running stories and regrets through my mind. Plagued and disturbed by my own inadequacies and lack of ability to let go of something that isn't good for me. Thinking that if I can just love enough, be open enough, give enough, try hard enough, accept enough responsibility that I can get the love I seem to need so badly from someone who doesn't even know how to love himself. I guess it's unfinished business. When I met Tomas I was desperate for some where to direct my love. My body wanted sex and comfort so badly that I really thought I could have a meaningless fling and not get attached. I knew the first night we hung out that he was toxic, but I didn't think he'd stick around long enough for it to become what it has. I was getting through things and starting to really shine and love myself again, and I gave that all up somehow in trade for Tomas somehow. I never thought Tomas and I would still be hanging out 8 months later, but I seem to have a really hard time letting go. I care about him, want to help him, and more than anything there's some incredibly strong cord, attachment, yes I will say, "need" to be with him that hurts the same way it did with Jessee when I tried to disconnect. I know it's partially that I never got fully OK with myself, though I was well on my way when I met Tomas. I thought maybe I was ready for a relationship even, and perhaps I was for a healthy one, but instead I got sucked into something that has been much more unhealthy than Jessee ever was in the worst of moments. Now, I'm attached and the sickness in me has clung to him as it's lifeline. He's a million degrees sicker than Jessee was around sexual addiction. He's aggressive and hurtful often and somehow that lost, scared little girl in me has fallen in love with him, and keeps trying to please him and do the right thing to try to hold onto something that really offers me nothing but sometimes some sexual pleasure and release and occassionally some enjoyable companionship. Most of the time, he's impossible and not that fun. He's unhappy, grumpy and easily irritated and rarely can be part of any other aspect of my life except sleeping together. The question I keep asking myself over and over is what is it that draws me to men with such serious sexual addiction and emotional unavailability? It's not what I want, yet I fall so hard for it and try so hard to make myself loved and accepted by men who don't even love themselves and who are so in denial of their sickness that they can't be present to it's impacts. Here I go again. Another round. I want it to be the last. I want to learn to attach to healthy relationships and functional available men. I don't know how, but I want to learn. I can't go through another round like this ever again.