Wed, April 7, 2010
6:30 AM
So much for the upswing.
Short but sweet relief yesterday and today I’m a mess again. I couldn’t fall asleep last nite. My mind was too attached and too saddened with thoughts of him already dating and moving on. Even as much as he says he needs time alone, there's a knowing in me that he has desires for being with other women, younger women most likely, cuter, and sexier than I can compete with nearing 40. Even though some of his final words to me were "Getting involved with another woman right away would be the worst possible thing I could ever do to myself," there's a sick spot inside me knowing that the very first opportunity he gets he will start the same cycle all over again. If I know anything of the nature of men, this is pretty likely for a guy like him. I can feel too much of him still and I woke up praying for detachment, praying for the heart strings to be cut that connect me to him, trying to go in and detach them myself, and eventually I surrendered to tears, and they are still coming.
Being up here on the hill, I can wail, let the pain come out thru these tears, groan, moan and scream, and so I am. I tried desperately to reach out to some friends, but no one answers the phone at 7 AM, so as a last resort, I called him, and surprisingly, it helped. He is such a good friend, and my love for him is so much more profound than I can understand. Just hearing his voice brings me back to some sanity at least. He offered a good piece of advice and reminded me to enjoy this place while I’m here, and indeed I need to do that! So I'm off to swim and remember that I'm still alive in paradise.
Today’s Work: Focus fully on the NOW, future possibilities, and the magic of this place
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2:30 PM
Once again, I am reminded of the grace of listening. I left the house to go to my usual beach spot, and something guided me to a different beach, a beach I rarely stop at. It was beautiful and totally deserted. I had a very pleasant morning to myself at the beach, catching some waves and just playing in the super clear water and enjoying the simple pleasure of swimming in the ocean.
As I was getting ready to leave, a car pulled up. A woman with two men got out. I felt some connection to the woman and I thought to myself, “Wow, I must be feeling pretty pathetic to just want to go up to this random woman and hang out just to have some company and companionship.” I started getting ready to go, but something was pulling at me to not go yet. I noticed she was checking me out a bit too, and so I just decided to go sit on the beach for a few minutes and relax just to open up to whatever might be happening. Maybe there was some reason I was supposed to talk to this woman.
Just as I was getting ready to put my towel down, she came closer and said my name, both first and last. I looked at her, but didn’t recognize her, so how did she know my name? She was right in front of me now, and introduced herself and to my total surprise, it was a girl I had gone to highschool with, whom I hadn’t seen in 22 years. How in the world she recognized me after 22 years, or even thought to think it was me, is still boggling my mind. "Facebook," was her answer on how she recognized me and that she knew I was living in Costa Rica. We spent the morning together catching up and enjoying the re-newed connection, watching the surf, sharing stories and laughter and eventually lunch.
I feel so blessed that spirit led us both there, out of all the beaches around that we both could have chosen. I think it's the first and only time I've ever parked there, so the whole thing was pretty synchronic and clearly some kind of divine intervention. Yet another angel emerging in the perfect time to support me in my process. She was alone 7 years after her divorce, and was just re-entering the relationship world, and so it was just a wonderful thing to be with a strong woman, who went thru a much worse situation that I am going through, with 3 children to care for. To share and reflect on the journey and to be reminded, more than anything else that I am being guided and cared for more than I can often see was a refreshing way to spend the morning.
I am back home now and feeling that the lesson for me today is to let spirit guide me more, to be more willing to go out into the world of possibilities with an open heart to receive the little gems that are waiting for me there.
I took a nice long walk tonite, collected some guava pods, and came back for several hours of tabla and drum practice in my little house on the hill.
Tonite's prayer is to wake with this remembrance of being watched over and not fall apart in the morning!
