Day 6: Sat, April 10, 2010
Woke up with a smile on my face today thanks to some super yummy dreams of being loved and pursued by two gorgeous sexy men I know here in town. It was nice to be getting the message that though part of me is sad and grieving, another part of myself has been ready to move on from this for a very long time.
Four years ago when I came to Costa Rica the first time to work with this project, I had a strong connection with one of those men that visited my dreamtime, and last year, I was so tempted by the other one, it was maddening. The second one still teases my mind often when I see him in town and the looks of knowingness of the passion untouched there are always sweet, fun and stimulating for sure.
Re-claiming my own feminine power and autonomy is the work at hand beyond any of it. Obviously, that is the clear message here beyond the boy toys with their super sexy surfer arms, perfect skin and laughing playful eyes.
My own work is moving forward into my own passions and purpose into new possibilities. I am very excited, and grateful that I feel some purpose and forward movement there.
The real work I can see is with my inner feminine who has been cooped up and denied her full reign for too long.
When I first got to Costa Rica, in January, there was a pretty strong realization that I needed to leave this relationship and that when I left here I would be leaving alone as a single woman. It was voiced and in the ethers between us for most of the time. We both really knew for the whole time we were here that we were moving out of "couple-hood." I think really we just wanted to enjoy this place and time together since we had both worked so hard to make it possible for us to be here together.
During that time, I was having recurring cat and wild animal transformation dreams. For weeks I had dreams that all had a similar theme. In one a wild cat being tamed, or killed and my devastation around it. In another, my heartbreak around seeing the wild thing hurt. In many of the dreams the animal would transform from one thing to another in my hands or in my presence, or I was the animal changing from one thing to another.
In one of the dreams, perhaps the most vivid, I had been impregnated somehow by some wild alien feline thing and had given birth to these crazy cat like beings that started to attack me when I went to love them. I had to kill one of them in the dream, to beat it off of me before it killed me. I had to kill something I had birthed and wanted to nurture just to survive. I was traumatized in the dream trying to escape from the others before they too attacked me. The symbolism was too clear to miss.
The feminine wild energy in me has been so subdued for so long. In order to make this relationship work, I had to put a lot of my own wild free energy on the back burner. The wild woman who loves to play, sing, dance and make love to God all nite had been domesticated.
In essence, I had to be "the man" more often than I really wanted to. I was always taking care of him, always fixing his messes, picking up the slack and doing the work of both the man and the woman in this relationship. In all the time we were together, I never felt like I could relax into my feminine receptivity, or my wild feminine.
I kept our world together, even up to the very end. I was the grounded, practical, get it done one in the relationship. I kept up with all the bills. I kept up with all the house maintenance, cutting the grass, fixing the car, and getting the oil changed. It was me who knew how to get help here in Costa Rica when our car broke down, without freaking out and assuming, as he did, that we were “screwed” and the car would never run again. Any little thing here in Costa Rica, he reacted to like it was the end of the world. He was always frustrated here. Frustrated with the pace of life. Frustrated with the way things work, and he always seemed to go to the worst possible outcome in his mind before we even had the facts. I was the voice of reason, calmly moving on to do what needed to be done. I haven’t felt like a soft sultry wild woman in years and I am ready to rekindle her passion in me!
Sensuality was my domain before him. My work is all about it. Drumming, dancing, movement, fire, magic and trance are all the expressive forms of being and my passion and love for them is very indicative of my own connection to my sensuality. My love for nature, for the softness in the wind moving the leaves on the trees, for the way the rain feels when it mists my skin, for the sound of the ocean swirling and swishing onto the shore, all of this is the sensual feminine and my true and natural domain. I was not meant to be some domesticated wife like being in this life and I can see suddenly, as if blinders are off, how much I was the tamed wild thing, the attacking animal clawing at it’s captor to be freed, the docile tiny thing needing to transform into the cunning stalking hungry panther, ready to feast on life’s passion, life’s blood and the flesh of the divine.
The need to re-create myself is clear and evident. The call to go forth, fearless and unhindered any longer by a man who held me in some sweet love captivity for too long is no longer being shrugged off.
I welcome the call, I answer the call, and I accept the challenges therein to become an empowered passionate wild woman again!
12:30 AM
Just home from a delicious night of solo dancing at the bar. No one was there, and the music moved me. I took great delight in taking over the dance floor and getting my groove on for a good 2 hours with no distractions and just feeling my body. Dream guy 2 was at the bar tonite and if I didn't know better, I'd sware he knew he had visited me in the dreamtime. The way his eyes kept coming back to me, drinking me in and the way he embraced me and held me, lingering after the normal greeting time didn't go unnoticed. I thought last year he may be a bit psychic and have some dream power, and definitely felt that again tonight. There is a part of me that wanted to totally fall into those arms, but this town is too small, and I care too much for our friendship.
The rekindling of my sensuality and feeling my power as a woman is welcomed. The playful flirting is safe enough and good medicine for me right now. My wild woman is awakening and I call forth her power, passion, sensual, yummy, soft sweet grace to lead me, guide me, stimulate me, inspire me and remind me of the love I hold for myself that I can share with others.
I call forth the Priestess who loves many men for the healing of the earth, who fearlessly shares her self, body, mind, and spirit with men who are not afraid of her power and who will not bridle her.
I welcome the juicy, creative depths of my Goddess bliss thru my dance, thru my hands, thru my feet, thru all the Muses that move thru me.
Bring it on! I am ready and waiting!
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