"Guilt is unnatural. The guiltless mind can not suffer. What is truly blessed is incapable of giving rise to guilg and must give rise to joy."
A Course in Miracles
My big piece of work right now is self forgiveness. I have forgiven him and all of those who spoke untruths about me, but I have been holding a lot of guilt for my own behavior and have been in a rather frenzied state of self condemnation and self judgement. This must be, as A Course in Miracles (ACIM) puts it, "undone."
I acted out in ways that I am not proud of in the past months, out of fear, ego delusion and wrong perception based on confusing information. My ego acted out of it's own need to maintain control and now looking back, it is clear that there has never been any reason to be fearful or feel guilty. I wasted days and weeks of time in anxiety and depression for no reason at all. I was jealous and insecure for no reason at all. "What's real can never be threatened." (ACIM) What's real is the love, nothing else. That's all that matters, now or ever. It's hard not to laugh at myself, but I feel like such a fool to ever even have reacted or given any of it a moment of my peace of mind! Live and learn, that's how we do it I guess.
Clearly our love has not been affected by the separation rebound or the second rebound, or any of the hurtful things that occurred between us, though for sure our personality's and ego's have had some roughing up. Six months ago, however, clearly I was too caught in the pain and confusion of it all to even be ready to receive that nugget!
Nothing can change that which God created and nothing real can be threatened. I so wish I had read and received that wisdom months ago and really taken it in. It would have saved me so much wasted energy. And, I can see that the proof of this is here now, so I have to forgive myself for my own ignorance just as I forgive others for theirs.
So my work now is to let go of hating myself, berating myself and feeling like such a schmuck that I fell prey to those loud mouthed foul smelling jackass saboteurs of insecurity, jealousy and fear. They have had their run of me and I am committing to taking over the show with a higher state of awareness and more compassion and tolerance, more tenderness and Divine love. Those villans have had their day in my life and I am no longer willing to let them deceive or delude me with their lies.
Now I choose to let go of the old paradigm of how relationship "should be" or how I want it and to come into a place of gratitude and acceptance for what is. I am ready to offer myself thru this experience back to Spirit and trust that whatever happens is what must be for growth and for the best of all. Even the story about "losing my lover" isn't really true. Sure, we're not together the way we once were, we aren't partners in the sense we were, but really not much else has changed. We're still good friends, share a lot, have movie nights and the connection, in it's essence, is still real and true. Learning to just appreciate what is, and accept what is is really all that's left to do and really all there ever has been to do.
God let me free of the past so that I may be available NOW to live in joy and love and create life in harmony.
