Step by Step

May 10, 2010

It’s been too difficult and too busy to sit and write lately, and with all of my own fumbling and falling into the abyss of fears, insecurities and insanity, I haven’t even wanted to. I’m ashamed of myself in ways I never knew possible for a “woman like me.” I’ve acted and behaved in ways I can’t even believe are true and seen my dark side for sure! I'm still standing, but barely and I've been dragged down by my own choices of holding on too much to something that's only hurting me. Much to consider, and I have a long way to go to be home fully in the light I know I will return to.

In between the last post and this one, I discovered many truths within myself and about this man I am weaning myself from that were shocking, disheartening and mind boggling at best. He was indeed disconnecting, and for good reason. Within 10 days of leaving me in Costa Rica, he had already started a new relationship. I guess this wouldn’t have been so shocking if I hadn’t heard over and over out of his mouth the words, “getting involved with another woman would be the worst possible thing I could ever do for myself,” and “I have no interest in being with another woman for a long time, I need to be with myself.” I felt so betrayed, deceived and bullshit overall that it triggered every negative emotion and hurtful cell in my body, from abandonment to betrayal to anger and jealousy to total insanity.

I stopped sleeping. Anxiety took me over. The first knee jerk reaction was to immediately find the hottest guy I could to have my own rendevouz with which was actually a sweet reprieve from it all and very comforting to help me through those first few shocking days. It also allowed me some compassion as I felt how fast I could feel deeply moved to my core being in such a vulnerable place of loss and lonlieness. I could relate to him seeking comfort out of the intense inner pain, and grief. I could at some level understand how my ex could easily have been led into the arms of another woman and even how he could convince himself that it was deep and meaningful because of his need to feel that it is to validate his actions. So my heart was compassionate and I gained a lot of clarity through sharing a few hot and steamy nights with a new young hottie, and for sure it granted me some distraction and release.

Arriving back in Boulder however, where he had insisted on picking me up from the airport, my ex and I were irresistibly drawn to each other and after he assured me he had used protection with her, I allowed him to make love to me again two times before I found out the truth of his bullshit and that he had indeed lied to me once again.

Somehow this lie totally threw me over the edge and helped me to get a little closure on it all and recognize how many lies I have dealt with in these 7 years, especially around women, sexuality and important issues of this nature. I felt totally used and undervalued and deceived. It felt like he was willing to risk my life for the avoidance of me saying no to him sexually and that felt really horrible.

Being who I am, I cranked into support needed mode and called on my sisters. I did two women’s circles with amazing strong women and sister friends of mine. The first circle was with my elder sisters, who are all in their late 50’s and 60’s that gave me more clarity, offered me some deep insight into how much I had been containing my self, blaming myself in defense of him, and utterly disrespecting my own needs in the relationship. They helped me to see where I was addicted to him, how I would blame myself before holding him accountable, my own misconceptions of what “good” means and the lack of community that the relationship had created by isolating me in lala love land. The elder women offered me wisdom, strength and a very no bull shit perspective to what I was hooked on with him, and what I needed to let go of to move on fully. The sister circle the next night was a blast into my potential and my new life, a supportive, nurturing, prayerful time of reflection and gentle compassionate support for me to move forward in with a knowingness that my potential is far beyond what I have known in the past. All of it was about letting go, surrendering, accepting, moving forth and being in my power around it all.

Still somehow though, my heart has been hurting and sad. He looked like hell when I saw him the last few times, and he finally seemed to be hitting the reality of what he has now permanently damaged between us.

Now I am back home, with family and feeling like I’m starting to unravel even more. What am I doing?
Where am I going?
What is it that is going to bring me to more fulfillment?
Why do I still feel a hole in my heart when I think of losing him and when is that going to finally go away?

Suddenly everything feels insane,like the very core of my being is lost in the cosmos and I am swirling uncontrollably on emotional waves of anger, grief, sadness, sorrow, hatred, love, insanity.

I am exhausted, tired on an inner level in a different way than I’ve ever known. I look at my future and I’m not sure what I see, but most of it looks more sad than exciting and I feel, more than anything abandoned by the man I thought loved me and totally despairing of any hope that a man can really stand by his woman through life in the way that I dream of.

I look at the posts I wrote a few weeks ago and I wonder if that was the same woman, I feel like her total polar opposite. For all lite I had shared, I feel darkness consuming me and like the end is here and I am truly dying a slow painful death.