Coming back from my travels, I tried to avoid him. I was afraid to go out for fear of running into him, as I had gone a whole 12 days with no contact which was the longest yet for me and I didn’t want to blow the momentum. I was feeling stronger, I was feeling righteous in my anger, and sickened to my core by his lies and betrayals.
And of course, the first night I went out, I ran into him, his eyes sad and begging for my attention. He had called me 15 times in the past 24 hours, and I had refused every call, but there he was sitting in front of me, more beautiful than ever in his pain, sincerely loving me and caring more than I had ever imagined he could. How could I not give him a chance to speak? He apologized through teary eyes, said he could understand if I didn’t want to be friends with him, that he deserved that, he said he missed me.
My wanting to harden heart softened, and he had worked his way back in again. We saw each other almost every day last week, and spent one night together and now I am trying to find a way to work with him on his terms to maintain some connection. I am trying to accept that our love is too great to just ignore and shut off, and also that he is really needing time alone, and maybe with other women.
I’m dating, anyone and everyone I can to take my mind off of him, fill a little time and space, get a little affection. I’m trying as hard as I can to want another man, to be attracted and turned on by another body, another pair of lips, another mind. Yet my heart can not deny the truth, nothing compares to him, nothing comes even close. He is classy, elegant and refined in ways that most men aren’t. He is tender, soft and sensitive where most men are crass and rude. He is the lover of all lovers for me, knowing just how to touch my body, just where to kiss me, just how to hold me to open me fully into bliss and orgasmic waves of joy. How can any other man even come close?
Am I doomed to just waiting for him to return? My life will be intertwined with him for at least this next year. Eventually he will start dating and I’ll have to deal with those emotions. Eventually I’ll have to be the one to walk up to his date, as he did to mine the other nite, and introduce myself, try to not rip her face off and spit jealousy at her. I dread the moment, but if I can find grace in it, as he does, maybe it can show him the depth of my love more than anything. I have always respected that part of him that doesn’t get jealous but that warmly loves the men who I’ve been attracted to. He is so gracious in that way, and I have much to learn there from him. I just pray that when he dates, he finds what I am finding, that there is no substitute for love built over time, there is no substitute for depth and true caring, there is no replacement for years of shared life and understanding. I pray I can give him the space, and that he will soon realize how rare it is for two people to share what we shared in devotion, love and depth.
And I must also release all expectation of that.
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