Just home from a beautiful kayak journey with my father. Somewhere along the way I had a revelation of gratitude and God spoke to me to remind me that everything that happened, the way it all went down, was for a reason. The reason was to show me the truth, to help me, not to hurt me and make me suffer, but to help me to move on faster seeing what is real and what is my own illusion of what I want him to be.
It’s ironic, but laughable now suddenly. For weeks I have been heartbroken that he could in less than 2 weeks not just have a nite of sex with someone he just met, but start a relationship and be talking to her all the time as if she were his new best friend, replacing me. My ego has been bruised, and tortured by this for weeks and I feel like the clarity that came through tonite has me almost laughing at the obviousness of it all.
How much more clear could it be? Spirit showed me all of this for a good reason, that reason is to LET GO and move back to love: his betrayal to himself first, then his lies to both she and I, and his lack of concern for my well being and health, all of this was really just to give me the reminder of why I had chosen to leave and to affirm my decision was the right one.
I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to get this. I’ve been so caught in the pain and the grief, I couldn’t see straight. I was in love with a lie. I have been taking it all on, blaming myself for everything. Telling myself, “I pushed him into this way of being, if I were softer and more chilled, he would feel safe telling the truth.” But he lied to this new woman first thing, so it’s not about me anymore. Telling myself, “maybe I can fix things up if I can just let him have space he’ll want to come back to me, and if I can just relax and not be so hurt or upset with him, and just forgive him, maybe things could work out and we can be happy again.” How could I really not see this sooner?
Now this doesn’t take anything away from the mistakes I made. I certainly played my part in contributing and I’m not going to just be one of those people who blames him for everything. I agreed to be lied to, I agreed to eventually harbor resentments about it, I agreed to and contributed to much that wasn’t good for either of us, and I am fully aware that I have some of my own serious stuff to work on and deal with. It does however, give me some perspective shifting clarity and I think tomorrow will be a different and new day with a new lens with which to look thru the world with.
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