My new mantra: Let go and Flow.
Writing a new story is great, and I spent hours on the beach yesterday meditating and walking into new possible stories. I wrote a whole new one to change my perspective on all of this, taking all the responsibility away from him and empowering myself with action. He’s just emotionally incapable, just a confused man who doesn’t know how to do the right thing, doesn’t even know what the right thing is. He’s doing the best that he can, he’s emotionally immature, he’s just taking care of himself. That was helpful, and I’m really trying to believe those new stories, I’m praying to God that I can start to accept those. Yet in my somewhat sometimes sickened little angry head, I hear this voice saying, “Bullshit, he’s not doing the best that he can, he knows fully well how much this kind of avoidance and disconnect will hurt you, he’s doing it to sabotage what’s good that was left and to punish you and himself more than what is necessary.” So I took another walk this morning, fell to my knees on the muddy gravel road with the leaf cutter ants, and I cried to God to please have mercy on me and show me a way to find peace with this and to not be angry, not be a victim, not be hurt, not feel the rage I am feeling.
And so also I can find some gratitude that I no longer need to be dealing with this emotional unavailability in him any more. I can move into realizing how much I stopped my own growth by trying to constantly accept and be OK with this kind of behavior. I can be grateful that my relationships with others will no longer be jeopardized as they have been by the way he treats people.
Over the years, I had several people tell me they trusted me less because I was with him because they knew he wasn’t reliable, honest or totally transparent. How much damage did I do to myself there? And I was so blind, so hopeful that he would choose to step up to meet me that I continually lowered my standards and accepted his ways even when they hurt me, damaged my self esteem and activated the most intense emotions within me. What was I thinking to be with this man anyway? What was I thinking? A man who wouldn’t help his woman change a lightbulb in his own kitchen just to be defiant? What have I been doing for 7 years trying to talk myself into believing in his potential rather than seeing what others seemed to be seeing clearly?
Today's Mantra: Let go and flow.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Journey Back to Self 12
Day 12, Friday, April
After two days of soaking all day, I was a little mushy inside and out, and starting to feel a bit sad and concerned that maybe he could feel that I had allowed another man into my arms, and I wanted nothing more than to just hear his voice. It was a big mistake to call, and his coldness shocked me and left me distraught and emotionally devastated. I should have let him call me and not bothered, he just can’t really be emotionally available at all and ends up making me feel so uncared for in his distance, and so unappreciated. I need to write a new story, but he just keeps affirming the old one to me. My heart feels ripped back to shreds and I wonder why I continue to expect him to be available emotionally when he never really has been.
I have this deep need for resolution, and the way we got disconnected last night in the conversation when my battery died did not allow for the fullness of the exchange. His attitude was so cold I was shocked into anger and it was just at that moment that my battery died. I tried to call back but he wouldn’t answer and that just added to my feelings of disrespect and frustration. For me, just even trying to resolve it, talking it out can bring the peace of mind and at least some sense of understanding and mutual respect. It doesn’t mean we have to agree, but if each person gets to speak and share and be heard, then there is caring there, there is potential for learning and mutual respect. He can’t do it though.
He knows how much it affects me when he shuts down and won’t communicate, and I felt to my core than he was doing it intentionally to hurt me more and to be cruel. He knew I would want to complete the conversation and resolve the energy, and he just completely disengaged and did his typical abandon ship routine. He knows I won’t be able to sleep, I can’t sleep with unresolved issues between us, and he knows that damn well. Fucking coward… I hate to say it, but it is what it is and that man is a coward if I’ve ever known one. He can’t deal, so he just hides, runs away, shuts down and it is so sickening to me that he chooses that knowing full well how it affects me. It just shows me what I don’t want to see, he only considers protecting himself at the cost of hurting others. I’ve watched it for 7 years over and over with numerous people, so now I get to experience it full force and it sucks.
After two days of soaking all day, I was a little mushy inside and out, and starting to feel a bit sad and concerned that maybe he could feel that I had allowed another man into my arms, and I wanted nothing more than to just hear his voice. It was a big mistake to call, and his coldness shocked me and left me distraught and emotionally devastated. I should have let him call me and not bothered, he just can’t really be emotionally available at all and ends up making me feel so uncared for in his distance, and so unappreciated. I need to write a new story, but he just keeps affirming the old one to me. My heart feels ripped back to shreds and I wonder why I continue to expect him to be available emotionally when he never really has been.
I have this deep need for resolution, and the way we got disconnected last night in the conversation when my battery died did not allow for the fullness of the exchange. His attitude was so cold I was shocked into anger and it was just at that moment that my battery died. I tried to call back but he wouldn’t answer and that just added to my feelings of disrespect and frustration. For me, just even trying to resolve it, talking it out can bring the peace of mind and at least some sense of understanding and mutual respect. It doesn’t mean we have to agree, but if each person gets to speak and share and be heard, then there is caring there, there is potential for learning and mutual respect. He can’t do it though.
He knows how much it affects me when he shuts down and won’t communicate, and I felt to my core than he was doing it intentionally to hurt me more and to be cruel. He knew I would want to complete the conversation and resolve the energy, and he just completely disengaged and did his typical abandon ship routine. He knows I won’t be able to sleep, I can’t sleep with unresolved issues between us, and he knows that damn well. Fucking coward… I hate to say it, but it is what it is and that man is a coward if I’ve ever known one. He can’t deal, so he just hides, runs away, shuts down and it is so sickening to me that he chooses that knowing full well how it affects me. It just shows me what I don’t want to see, he only considers protecting himself at the cost of hurting others. I’ve watched it for 7 years over and over with numerous people, so now I get to experience it full force and it sucks.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Journey Back to Self: 13
Day 13, Saturday,
A full day of movement, meditation, tears and going into the pain today with my friend Sofiah’s movement workshop. Found myself being resistant to moving at first, the pain just wanting to paralyze me, incapacitate me, ruin me. I moved though, and felt like nothing but a shell. Total empty, void of any substance, I felt dead but the movement reminded me I am still alive.
I felt like the body was moving, but the spirit, the soul was gone from it. Going thru the motions still held it’s own release on the physical level. I found myself just feeling hopeless and frustrated that I am back here again in this place of hurt and disappointment that I can not be met by him on any of the deeper levels I need to be met. My prayer was to let go, to release, but I felt trapped in the feelings all day and even when I got home.
Again, I am questioning my sanity at why I even care, and why I am so attached still. One of the other women in the workshop ended a 14 year relationship about a year ago, and it was inspiring to be with her grace and joy. She was so happy to be alone and so strong, and it inspired me to know that I too will be there soon and I know that place is available for me as soon as I can allow it fully to take root.
When I got home tonite, though in spite of my resolve to “think forward thinking thoughts,” I broke down again in deep mournful crying. Why did I allow myself to love so much? Why did I allow myself to love a man who wasn’t capable of loving me fully? Why did I choose a man who doesn’t even know who he is, who’s sexuality is so confused by the trauma of his childhood, who won’t get help, refuses to get help to heal and mature, who chooses to stay stuck in depression?
The aching in my core, the sickness in my stomach, the total grief of it took me over again tonite and I let it tear at me like a wild raging animal. And then I grabbed my drum, my ally, my friend, my confidant who hears all, and I sang thru my tears. I sang with the wounded voice of barely breathing grief, I screamed, I cursed him, I cursed myself, I prayed to God to give me some rest from this pain, to teach me to let go, to not plague my mind anymore by any thoughts of him, or wondering what he’s doing, why he won’t talk to me, who he’s sleeping with already, what friends of mine he will try to seduce. I played and sang and before I slept I returned to my mantra, “Forward thinking thoughts.”
A full day of movement, meditation, tears and going into the pain today with my friend Sofiah’s movement workshop. Found myself being resistant to moving at first, the pain just wanting to paralyze me, incapacitate me, ruin me. I moved though, and felt like nothing but a shell. Total empty, void of any substance, I felt dead but the movement reminded me I am still alive.
I felt like the body was moving, but the spirit, the soul was gone from it. Going thru the motions still held it’s own release on the physical level. I found myself just feeling hopeless and frustrated that I am back here again in this place of hurt and disappointment that I can not be met by him on any of the deeper levels I need to be met. My prayer was to let go, to release, but I felt trapped in the feelings all day and even when I got home.
Again, I am questioning my sanity at why I even care, and why I am so attached still. One of the other women in the workshop ended a 14 year relationship about a year ago, and it was inspiring to be with her grace and joy. She was so happy to be alone and so strong, and it inspired me to know that I too will be there soon and I know that place is available for me as soon as I can allow it fully to take root.
When I got home tonite, though in spite of my resolve to “think forward thinking thoughts,” I broke down again in deep mournful crying. Why did I allow myself to love so much? Why did I allow myself to love a man who wasn’t capable of loving me fully? Why did I choose a man who doesn’t even know who he is, who’s sexuality is so confused by the trauma of his childhood, who won’t get help, refuses to get help to heal and mature, who chooses to stay stuck in depression?
The aching in my core, the sickness in my stomach, the total grief of it took me over again tonite and I let it tear at me like a wild raging animal. And then I grabbed my drum, my ally, my friend, my confidant who hears all, and I sang thru my tears. I sang with the wounded voice of barely breathing grief, I screamed, I cursed him, I cursed myself, I prayed to God to give me some rest from this pain, to teach me to let go, to not plague my mind anymore by any thoughts of him, or wondering what he’s doing, why he won’t talk to me, who he’s sleeping with already, what friends of mine he will try to seduce. I played and sang and before I slept I returned to my mantra, “Forward thinking thoughts.”
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Journey Back to Self 9-11
Days 9-11, Wed-Fri April 14-16
A three day escape was a welcomed distraction and nourishing blissful time for me. The trip was filled with sweetness, and therapeutic moments of stillness. I was gifted with many messages from angels that just seemed to see through me and spoke to me directly as if they knew my whole life, all about the break up, and all about what could be coming for me. One of the messages that seems to be coming through often was that this love could one day return, and honestly I can’t really bear to consider that one. While some part of me wants to remain open to that possibility, another part of me needs total closure and can not even consider having false hopes that may once again be disappointing.
I spent much time just feeling into myself, my edges, my stillness. My mantra that seems to be keeping me going is “Think Forward thinking thoughts.” When my mind wanders to him or to what he may be doing, I try to catch it and repeat that mantra until I can move back atleast into the present. In the morning when I wake, at night before bed, hearing Sinead O’Connor’s, “Nothing Compares to you,” at the restaurant feeling stalked by every man there.
I have to wonder in moments if there is a sign on my forehead now that says, “Suddenly Single” or some different phermone that I put off as a single woman because I can barely remember having so much attention from men as I have had since he has gone. I have had men literally chasing me down the street of La Fortuna here, inviting me for drinks, wanting to engage in deep meaningful conversation, proclaiming my beauty. Is it really so hard for men to consider that a single woman may be enjoying her solitude and her self because it seems there is this presumption that if a woman is alone, she must be wanting or looking for a man. It is sweet and flattering in moments of course, especially to have men who are barely in their 20’s checking me out and flirting with me and having no real idea that I’m almost old enough to be their mother.
One young man the first night here finally got me to stop and chat, and I quickly saw that he was one of those message carriers. I could feel the sincerity in his heart felt sharing on how much he wanted a good relationship and a spiritual woman and that he could feel that I had a different connection than most of the women he met there. He saw the value of partnership and was living his life in the hopes of finding that special woman who he could dedicate his life to loving because for him that was the essence of life, to share. He seemed to see right into the man who I’ve left, and it was almost like he was channeling, “He’s young and confused right now and maybe he will go for some time from woman to woman, but one day, maybe in a month or maybe in a year, he will realize what he has lost because you are a special woman, and he will feel sad. There are not many women like you and he will see that one day.” And I’m standing there almost crying thinking, “Who is this angel speaking thru this Tico man I’ve never met, and how can he see so clearly when he knows nothing of me?” But angels emerge as I am discovering daily.
I met a beautiful young man in the springs and shared a lovely evening with him, dancing, talking, sharing and even a little tender loving. It was refreshingly fun, light and free and was a gift to share love in that kind of free, open, transparent way. Being in his arms was actually quite comforting and brought me to feeling very beautiful, appreciated and even protected. It also offered me a little reflection on some of the places that another man would naturally step in in ways that my ex never did. A man at the disco tried to grab me, and my young jedi for the night instantly responded with protectiveness and assertiveness; it was a good reminder that I can have that in a man. My ex would never have done anything even if a guy was all over me, he was such a coward really in so many ways, so afraid of any kind of confrontation, emotional or physical that he would leave me to fend for myself before raising an eyebrow, much less a show of assertiveness or protectiveness.
Dancing was such good medicine for me beyond all of the soaking. My body just loves to move, and the sweat pouring over me is so cleansing here. I found my heart so expanded at the disco, just really loving everyone there and feeling so at home in that space. Music and dance connect people so fast, in their pain, in their grief and simultaneously in their joy. Literally, the moment my hips start to move, I’m in love again, pure and free. To be sharing that space and love with so many others is so fun and refreshing. It is my medicine for remembering life’s passion for sure, and I am so grateful that I got to go out for a night here with fun people I’d never met and just enjoy new friends in the groove, no stories, no drama, just joy shared in music.
So many profoundly beautiful messages in these few days, and yet nothing seems to take away the truth of truths for me: life without my best friend and without true deep meaningful love shared between two people is not bad or horrible, but it is more empty. If it were up to me totally, and I could create the world the way I want it to be, I’d create it with him being grateful and excited to share life together, I'd create it so we could find balance in being together and being strong in ourselves. I’d choose to walk this whole life with him and move thru any challenges that emerge to maintain the love. I loved sharing my life with him, even with it's challenges, it was always worth it for me.
Accepting, adjusting and re-claiming are necessary and valid, but there is no replacement and no way to fill the hole that's been left in my heart. God and spirit are there to fill some parts of it, but even that just can not replace the sweetness that a man and woman share who truly love and cherish each other fully. Nothing compares to that. Anyone who says "just find someone else," has never truly loved to their core. Finding someone else doesn't replace what is lost and gone. It only distracts the pain for a while. I will sit in it and wait, and find myself along the way. There is no hurry to fill up the hole. It has much to teach me.
A three day escape was a welcomed distraction and nourishing blissful time for me. The trip was filled with sweetness, and therapeutic moments of stillness. I was gifted with many messages from angels that just seemed to see through me and spoke to me directly as if they knew my whole life, all about the break up, and all about what could be coming for me. One of the messages that seems to be coming through often was that this love could one day return, and honestly I can’t really bear to consider that one. While some part of me wants to remain open to that possibility, another part of me needs total closure and can not even consider having false hopes that may once again be disappointing.
I spent much time just feeling into myself, my edges, my stillness. My mantra that seems to be keeping me going is “Think Forward thinking thoughts.” When my mind wanders to him or to what he may be doing, I try to catch it and repeat that mantra until I can move back atleast into the present. In the morning when I wake, at night before bed, hearing Sinead O’Connor’s, “Nothing Compares to you,” at the restaurant feeling stalked by every man there.
I have to wonder in moments if there is a sign on my forehead now that says, “Suddenly Single” or some different phermone that I put off as a single woman because I can barely remember having so much attention from men as I have had since he has gone. I have had men literally chasing me down the street of La Fortuna here, inviting me for drinks, wanting to engage in deep meaningful conversation, proclaiming my beauty. Is it really so hard for men to consider that a single woman may be enjoying her solitude and her self because it seems there is this presumption that if a woman is alone, she must be wanting or looking for a man. It is sweet and flattering in moments of course, especially to have men who are barely in their 20’s checking me out and flirting with me and having no real idea that I’m almost old enough to be their mother.
One young man the first night here finally got me to stop and chat, and I quickly saw that he was one of those message carriers. I could feel the sincerity in his heart felt sharing on how much he wanted a good relationship and a spiritual woman and that he could feel that I had a different connection than most of the women he met there. He saw the value of partnership and was living his life in the hopes of finding that special woman who he could dedicate his life to loving because for him that was the essence of life, to share. He seemed to see right into the man who I’ve left, and it was almost like he was channeling, “He’s young and confused right now and maybe he will go for some time from woman to woman, but one day, maybe in a month or maybe in a year, he will realize what he has lost because you are a special woman, and he will feel sad. There are not many women like you and he will see that one day.” And I’m standing there almost crying thinking, “Who is this angel speaking thru this Tico man I’ve never met, and how can he see so clearly when he knows nothing of me?” But angels emerge as I am discovering daily.
I met a beautiful young man in the springs and shared a lovely evening with him, dancing, talking, sharing and even a little tender loving. It was refreshingly fun, light and free and was a gift to share love in that kind of free, open, transparent way. Being in his arms was actually quite comforting and brought me to feeling very beautiful, appreciated and even protected. It also offered me a little reflection on some of the places that another man would naturally step in in ways that my ex never did. A man at the disco tried to grab me, and my young jedi for the night instantly responded with protectiveness and assertiveness; it was a good reminder that I can have that in a man. My ex would never have done anything even if a guy was all over me, he was such a coward really in so many ways, so afraid of any kind of confrontation, emotional or physical that he would leave me to fend for myself before raising an eyebrow, much less a show of assertiveness or protectiveness.
Dancing was such good medicine for me beyond all of the soaking. My body just loves to move, and the sweat pouring over me is so cleansing here. I found my heart so expanded at the disco, just really loving everyone there and feeling so at home in that space. Music and dance connect people so fast, in their pain, in their grief and simultaneously in their joy. Literally, the moment my hips start to move, I’m in love again, pure and free. To be sharing that space and love with so many others is so fun and refreshing. It is my medicine for remembering life’s passion for sure, and I am so grateful that I got to go out for a night here with fun people I’d never met and just enjoy new friends in the groove, no stories, no drama, just joy shared in music.
So many profoundly beautiful messages in these few days, and yet nothing seems to take away the truth of truths for me: life without my best friend and without true deep meaningful love shared between two people is not bad or horrible, but it is more empty. If it were up to me totally, and I could create the world the way I want it to be, I’d create it with him being grateful and excited to share life together, I'd create it so we could find balance in being together and being strong in ourselves. I’d choose to walk this whole life with him and move thru any challenges that emerge to maintain the love. I loved sharing my life with him, even with it's challenges, it was always worth it for me.
Accepting, adjusting and re-claiming are necessary and valid, but there is no replacement and no way to fill the hole that's been left in my heart. God and spirit are there to fill some parts of it, but even that just can not replace the sweetness that a man and woman share who truly love and cherish each other fully. Nothing compares to that. Anyone who says "just find someone else," has never truly loved to their core. Finding someone else doesn't replace what is lost and gone. It only distracts the pain for a while. I will sit in it and wait, and find myself along the way. There is no hurry to fill up the hole. It has much to teach me.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Journey Back to Self: 8
Day 8: Monday, April 12, 2010
Monday Monday… Even here in the Pura Vida lifestyle, somehow Monday is a motivated day for me. It’s the day I want to get it all done, or at least started well, so that the rest of my week flows more effortlessly. I am finding less and less time being spent on thoughts of him, and more and more energy moving forward and this I give thanks for!
He did call today, and it was nice to chat and catch up. He is sincere in wanting to maintain our friendship, and I wish it was easier for me to be casual with him than it is. After knowing someone and being with them the way we were, to just be so casual feels strange to me, and I have much to learn still about being comfortable in this new relationship paradigm we seem to be exploring.
I am feeling stronger, more open and more like myself again though and I just hope that when I do see him again, I can maintain myself with strength and dignity that befits the Queen I am cultivating!
Monday Monday… tomorrow I am going to soak in the hot springs near Arenal for a few days, leaving my computer behind and allowing my brain a little time to turn off from the world. Much needed and much welcomed.
Monday Monday… Even here in the Pura Vida lifestyle, somehow Monday is a motivated day for me. It’s the day I want to get it all done, or at least started well, so that the rest of my week flows more effortlessly. I am finding less and less time being spent on thoughts of him, and more and more energy moving forward and this I give thanks for!
He did call today, and it was nice to chat and catch up. He is sincere in wanting to maintain our friendship, and I wish it was easier for me to be casual with him than it is. After knowing someone and being with them the way we were, to just be so casual feels strange to me, and I have much to learn still about being comfortable in this new relationship paradigm we seem to be exploring.
I am feeling stronger, more open and more like myself again though and I just hope that when I do see him again, I can maintain myself with strength and dignity that befits the Queen I am cultivating!
Monday Monday… tomorrow I am going to soak in the hot springs near Arenal for a few days, leaving my computer behind and allowing my brain a little time to turn off from the world. Much needed and much welcomed.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
10-Reopening the Portal to Love
Day 7: Sunday, April 11, 2010
Feeling the impermanence of life this morning calling to me to live more fully, more passionately, more in a full time state of celebration. I wonder if it is the dreams I have just before waking, or just a cycle that recurs, but I wake sometimes with myriads of memories and thoughts of people I love who I want to be with, share with, play with, and love more. I wake feeling a deep intense longing that penetrates this existence to the core and leaves me feeling both a gratitude and a hopelessness. Gratitude for an amazing life, hopelessness in the knowing that this too shall pass. It feels empty, and unconditionally devastating in these moments of realizing that all of it will too soon be memories that will pass into nothingness.
I think of my family: my parents and all that they gave to me, shared with me, and how alone and sad they are now. I think of how I wish I could go and take away all their sorrow and give them just a little bit of the joy I feel most of the time. My heart hurts for my brother who also may never know how life can be filled with mystery and the unfolding of dreams rather than a tedious, Murphy’s Law existence where things are bound to go wrong and bring troubles.
Memories of my nephew as a newborn, his little Buddha head covered in thick black hair and the pure love that shone from his eyes, enrapturing me in bliss and joy, and how different those eyes are now, in the same boy, 17 years later, already tired, exhausted and worn down a bit from life. All the amazing people who have graced my life, teaching, sharing, and walking with me for some part of this journey seem to all come at once, and in these pre-dawn moments I wonder for a moment if this is what it’s like in the moments before death. A flood of memories, moments of gratitude and despair, fullness and emptiness all at once laced with hopeless surrender to the impermanence of this life as we know it in physical form, ultimately waking me with the feeling that I should be celebrating and being with those I love.
I went right to the drum this morning and started my day off playing and singing, remembering the many beautiful mornings shared with others after a long nite of drumming the sun up. It all was feeling suddenly like the best thing I could possibly be doing was what I am planning for this summer of re-birthing myself: traveling, sharing my work, building community thru music making, and finding as many opportunities as possible to celebrate, learn and grow thru the Muses, drum, dance and be alive again. The years I spent doing the festival circuits and playing music all night were by far some of the juiciest, most magical, most alive times of my life. They were what brought he and I together. It was in that space that I met and connected with this man who has taught me so much about love in these past 7.5 years. The years before I met him were what formed me as a priestess, and empowered woman.
Nothing else feeds me the same way as the all night magic of sharing fire, music and magic with hundreds of other people who also are ready to celebrate and be embodied beneath the starry sky.
Thus started my day today, and I spent much time in silent reflection before getting into some work.
Late in the afternoon I took a long walk on the Whale’s Tail, and started to hear the voice of the Divine Warrior Queen in me speaking to me, counseling me, reminding me. A voice I know well and have not allowed for too long to come forth. She reminded me to focus on the way I walk, the way I talk, the way I carry myself in this world so that I may attract what is truly worthy of my time, energy and attention and nothing less.
She reminded me to slow down, move with grace and elegance and to feel the sensuality that is woman. She reminded me to be alluring, to know my strength and fire, but to keep it well tucked beneath an exterior that is enamoring, magical and mystical as the feminine is, using my strength and fire only when it is necessary for survival, defense or reflection. She called for me to step into her fully, to become the queen that I am, to re-create myself in her image: beautiful, sensual, divine, erotic. She reminded me that I can have any man I wish, and that it is important for me to allow a man to see the places I need him to be in his power, so that I may rest in mine with grace. She walked with me while the rain came down and hasn’t left my side since.
This evening, a male friend here in town called and invited me to a pool party. I went, and I was feeling like a new woman. Soft, sensual, divine, and enamored fully with myself to be quite honest. The effect it had on the men there was almost comical, and I thoroughly enjoyed feeling that old familiar feeling I haven’t felt in some time of being irresistible and enchanting. Loving not just the men there, but the women too, with my eyes and with my heart. Feeling everyone there just receiving my love and loving me back. One sister shared with me, “I just feel this peace in your presence, you make me feel so good, I love being with you.” And one sweet gentle man was so taken by me that I almost felt guilty and concerned for him, “You’re the most beautiful woman in Costa Rica and you deserve someone who will always remind you that you’re the most beautiful woman ever.” I came home feeling so delighted, and so touched; so loved and cherished.
And all really because I am loving myself again. Stepping back into my Divine Warrior Queen and saying yes to celebrating life and sharing with others the love that I have kept only for one man for too long.
Feeling the impermanence of life this morning calling to me to live more fully, more passionately, more in a full time state of celebration. I wonder if it is the dreams I have just before waking, or just a cycle that recurs, but I wake sometimes with myriads of memories and thoughts of people I love who I want to be with, share with, play with, and love more. I wake feeling a deep intense longing that penetrates this existence to the core and leaves me feeling both a gratitude and a hopelessness. Gratitude for an amazing life, hopelessness in the knowing that this too shall pass. It feels empty, and unconditionally devastating in these moments of realizing that all of it will too soon be memories that will pass into nothingness.
I think of my family: my parents and all that they gave to me, shared with me, and how alone and sad they are now. I think of how I wish I could go and take away all their sorrow and give them just a little bit of the joy I feel most of the time. My heart hurts for my brother who also may never know how life can be filled with mystery and the unfolding of dreams rather than a tedious, Murphy’s Law existence where things are bound to go wrong and bring troubles.
Memories of my nephew as a newborn, his little Buddha head covered in thick black hair and the pure love that shone from his eyes, enrapturing me in bliss and joy, and how different those eyes are now, in the same boy, 17 years later, already tired, exhausted and worn down a bit from life. All the amazing people who have graced my life, teaching, sharing, and walking with me for some part of this journey seem to all come at once, and in these pre-dawn moments I wonder for a moment if this is what it’s like in the moments before death. A flood of memories, moments of gratitude and despair, fullness and emptiness all at once laced with hopeless surrender to the impermanence of this life as we know it in physical form, ultimately waking me with the feeling that I should be celebrating and being with those I love.
I went right to the drum this morning and started my day off playing and singing, remembering the many beautiful mornings shared with others after a long nite of drumming the sun up. It all was feeling suddenly like the best thing I could possibly be doing was what I am planning for this summer of re-birthing myself: traveling, sharing my work, building community thru music making, and finding as many opportunities as possible to celebrate, learn and grow thru the Muses, drum, dance and be alive again. The years I spent doing the festival circuits and playing music all night were by far some of the juiciest, most magical, most alive times of my life. They were what brought he and I together. It was in that space that I met and connected with this man who has taught me so much about love in these past 7.5 years. The years before I met him were what formed me as a priestess, and empowered woman.
Nothing else feeds me the same way as the all night magic of sharing fire, music and magic with hundreds of other people who also are ready to celebrate and be embodied beneath the starry sky.
Thus started my day today, and I spent much time in silent reflection before getting into some work.
Late in the afternoon I took a long walk on the Whale’s Tail, and started to hear the voice of the Divine Warrior Queen in me speaking to me, counseling me, reminding me. A voice I know well and have not allowed for too long to come forth. She reminded me to focus on the way I walk, the way I talk, the way I carry myself in this world so that I may attract what is truly worthy of my time, energy and attention and nothing less.
She reminded me to slow down, move with grace and elegance and to feel the sensuality that is woman. She reminded me to be alluring, to know my strength and fire, but to keep it well tucked beneath an exterior that is enamoring, magical and mystical as the feminine is, using my strength and fire only when it is necessary for survival, defense or reflection. She called for me to step into her fully, to become the queen that I am, to re-create myself in her image: beautiful, sensual, divine, erotic. She reminded me that I can have any man I wish, and that it is important for me to allow a man to see the places I need him to be in his power, so that I may rest in mine with grace. She walked with me while the rain came down and hasn’t left my side since.
This evening, a male friend here in town called and invited me to a pool party. I went, and I was feeling like a new woman. Soft, sensual, divine, and enamored fully with myself to be quite honest. The effect it had on the men there was almost comical, and I thoroughly enjoyed feeling that old familiar feeling I haven’t felt in some time of being irresistible and enchanting. Loving not just the men there, but the women too, with my eyes and with my heart. Feeling everyone there just receiving my love and loving me back. One sister shared with me, “I just feel this peace in your presence, you make me feel so good, I love being with you.” And one sweet gentle man was so taken by me that I almost felt guilty and concerned for him, “You’re the most beautiful woman in Costa Rica and you deserve someone who will always remind you that you’re the most beautiful woman ever.” I came home feeling so delighted, and so touched; so loved and cherished.
And all really because I am loving myself again. Stepping back into my Divine Warrior Queen and saying yes to celebrating life and sharing with others the love that I have kept only for one man for too long.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
9-Dreamtime Feline Forces
Day 6: Sat, April 10, 2010
Woke up with a smile on my face today thanks to some super yummy dreams of being loved and pursued by two gorgeous sexy men I know here in town. It was nice to be getting the message that though part of me is sad and grieving, another part of myself has been ready to move on from this for a very long time.
Four years ago when I came to Costa Rica the first time to work with this project, I had a strong connection with one of those men that visited my dreamtime, and last year, I was so tempted by the other one, it was maddening. The second one still teases my mind often when I see him in town and the looks of knowingness of the passion untouched there are always sweet, fun and stimulating for sure.
Re-claiming my own feminine power and autonomy is the work at hand beyond any of it. Obviously, that is the clear message here beyond the boy toys with their super sexy surfer arms, perfect skin and laughing playful eyes.
My own work is moving forward into my own passions and purpose into new possibilities. I am very excited, and grateful that I feel some purpose and forward movement there.
The real work I can see is with my inner feminine who has been cooped up and denied her full reign for too long.
When I first got to Costa Rica, in January, there was a pretty strong realization that I needed to leave this relationship and that when I left here I would be leaving alone as a single woman. It was voiced and in the ethers between us for most of the time. We both really knew for the whole time we were here that we were moving out of "couple-hood." I think really we just wanted to enjoy this place and time together since we had both worked so hard to make it possible for us to be here together.
During that time, I was having recurring cat and wild animal transformation dreams. For weeks I had dreams that all had a similar theme. In one a wild cat being tamed, or killed and my devastation around it. In another, my heartbreak around seeing the wild thing hurt. In many of the dreams the animal would transform from one thing to another in my hands or in my presence, or I was the animal changing from one thing to another.
In one of the dreams, perhaps the most vivid, I had been impregnated somehow by some wild alien feline thing and had given birth to these crazy cat like beings that started to attack me when I went to love them. I had to kill one of them in the dream, to beat it off of me before it killed me. I had to kill something I had birthed and wanted to nurture just to survive. I was traumatized in the dream trying to escape from the others before they too attacked me. The symbolism was too clear to miss.
The feminine wild energy in me has been so subdued for so long. In order to make this relationship work, I had to put a lot of my own wild free energy on the back burner. The wild woman who loves to play, sing, dance and make love to God all nite had been domesticated.
In essence, I had to be "the man" more often than I really wanted to. I was always taking care of him, always fixing his messes, picking up the slack and doing the work of both the man and the woman in this relationship. In all the time we were together, I never felt like I could relax into my feminine receptivity, or my wild feminine.
I kept our world together, even up to the very end. I was the grounded, practical, get it done one in the relationship. I kept up with all the bills. I kept up with all the house maintenance, cutting the grass, fixing the car, and getting the oil changed. It was me who knew how to get help here in Costa Rica when our car broke down, without freaking out and assuming, as he did, that we were “screwed” and the car would never run again. Any little thing here in Costa Rica, he reacted to like it was the end of the world. He was always frustrated here. Frustrated with the pace of life. Frustrated with the way things work, and he always seemed to go to the worst possible outcome in his mind before we even had the facts. I was the voice of reason, calmly moving on to do what needed to be done. I haven’t felt like a soft sultry wild woman in years and I am ready to rekindle her passion in me!
Sensuality was my domain before him. My work is all about it. Drumming, dancing, movement, fire, magic and trance are all the expressive forms of being and my passion and love for them is very indicative of my own connection to my sensuality. My love for nature, for the softness in the wind moving the leaves on the trees, for the way the rain feels when it mists my skin, for the sound of the ocean swirling and swishing onto the shore, all of this is the sensual feminine and my true and natural domain. I was not meant to be some domesticated wife like being in this life and I can see suddenly, as if blinders are off, how much I was the tamed wild thing, the attacking animal clawing at it’s captor to be freed, the docile tiny thing needing to transform into the cunning stalking hungry panther, ready to feast on life’s passion, life’s blood and the flesh of the divine.
The need to re-create myself is clear and evident. The call to go forth, fearless and unhindered any longer by a man who held me in some sweet love captivity for too long is no longer being shrugged off.
I welcome the call, I answer the call, and I accept the challenges therein to become an empowered passionate wild woman again!
12:30 AM
Just home from a delicious night of solo dancing at the bar. No one was there, and the music moved me. I took great delight in taking over the dance floor and getting my groove on for a good 2 hours with no distractions and just feeling my body. Dream guy 2 was at the bar tonite and if I didn't know better, I'd sware he knew he had visited me in the dreamtime. The way his eyes kept coming back to me, drinking me in and the way he embraced me and held me, lingering after the normal greeting time didn't go unnoticed. I thought last year he may be a bit psychic and have some dream power, and definitely felt that again tonight. There is a part of me that wanted to totally fall into those arms, but this town is too small, and I care too much for our friendship.
The rekindling of my sensuality and feeling my power as a woman is welcomed. The playful flirting is safe enough and good medicine for me right now. My wild woman is awakening and I call forth her power, passion, sensual, yummy, soft sweet grace to lead me, guide me, stimulate me, inspire me and remind me of the love I hold for myself that I can share with others.
I call forth the Priestess who loves many men for the healing of the earth, who fearlessly shares her self, body, mind, and spirit with men who are not afraid of her power and who will not bridle her.
I welcome the juicy, creative depths of my Goddess bliss thru my dance, thru my hands, thru my feet, thru all the Muses that move thru me.
Bring it on! I am ready and waiting!
Woke up with a smile on my face today thanks to some super yummy dreams of being loved and pursued by two gorgeous sexy men I know here in town. It was nice to be getting the message that though part of me is sad and grieving, another part of myself has been ready to move on from this for a very long time.
Four years ago when I came to Costa Rica the first time to work with this project, I had a strong connection with one of those men that visited my dreamtime, and last year, I was so tempted by the other one, it was maddening. The second one still teases my mind often when I see him in town and the looks of knowingness of the passion untouched there are always sweet, fun and stimulating for sure.
Re-claiming my own feminine power and autonomy is the work at hand beyond any of it. Obviously, that is the clear message here beyond the boy toys with their super sexy surfer arms, perfect skin and laughing playful eyes.
My own work is moving forward into my own passions and purpose into new possibilities. I am very excited, and grateful that I feel some purpose and forward movement there.
The real work I can see is with my inner feminine who has been cooped up and denied her full reign for too long.
When I first got to Costa Rica, in January, there was a pretty strong realization that I needed to leave this relationship and that when I left here I would be leaving alone as a single woman. It was voiced and in the ethers between us for most of the time. We both really knew for the whole time we were here that we were moving out of "couple-hood." I think really we just wanted to enjoy this place and time together since we had both worked so hard to make it possible for us to be here together.
During that time, I was having recurring cat and wild animal transformation dreams. For weeks I had dreams that all had a similar theme. In one a wild cat being tamed, or killed and my devastation around it. In another, my heartbreak around seeing the wild thing hurt. In many of the dreams the animal would transform from one thing to another in my hands or in my presence, or I was the animal changing from one thing to another.
In one of the dreams, perhaps the most vivid, I had been impregnated somehow by some wild alien feline thing and had given birth to these crazy cat like beings that started to attack me when I went to love them. I had to kill one of them in the dream, to beat it off of me before it killed me. I had to kill something I had birthed and wanted to nurture just to survive. I was traumatized in the dream trying to escape from the others before they too attacked me. The symbolism was too clear to miss.
The feminine wild energy in me has been so subdued for so long. In order to make this relationship work, I had to put a lot of my own wild free energy on the back burner. The wild woman who loves to play, sing, dance and make love to God all nite had been domesticated.
In essence, I had to be "the man" more often than I really wanted to. I was always taking care of him, always fixing his messes, picking up the slack and doing the work of both the man and the woman in this relationship. In all the time we were together, I never felt like I could relax into my feminine receptivity, or my wild feminine.
I kept our world together, even up to the very end. I was the grounded, practical, get it done one in the relationship. I kept up with all the bills. I kept up with all the house maintenance, cutting the grass, fixing the car, and getting the oil changed. It was me who knew how to get help here in Costa Rica when our car broke down, without freaking out and assuming, as he did, that we were “screwed” and the car would never run again. Any little thing here in Costa Rica, he reacted to like it was the end of the world. He was always frustrated here. Frustrated with the pace of life. Frustrated with the way things work, and he always seemed to go to the worst possible outcome in his mind before we even had the facts. I was the voice of reason, calmly moving on to do what needed to be done. I haven’t felt like a soft sultry wild woman in years and I am ready to rekindle her passion in me!
Sensuality was my domain before him. My work is all about it. Drumming, dancing, movement, fire, magic and trance are all the expressive forms of being and my passion and love for them is very indicative of my own connection to my sensuality. My love for nature, for the softness in the wind moving the leaves on the trees, for the way the rain feels when it mists my skin, for the sound of the ocean swirling and swishing onto the shore, all of this is the sensual feminine and my true and natural domain. I was not meant to be some domesticated wife like being in this life and I can see suddenly, as if blinders are off, how much I was the tamed wild thing, the attacking animal clawing at it’s captor to be freed, the docile tiny thing needing to transform into the cunning stalking hungry panther, ready to feast on life’s passion, life’s blood and the flesh of the divine.
The need to re-create myself is clear and evident. The call to go forth, fearless and unhindered any longer by a man who held me in some sweet love captivity for too long is no longer being shrugged off.
I welcome the call, I answer the call, and I accept the challenges therein to become an empowered passionate wild woman again!
12:30 AM
Just home from a delicious night of solo dancing at the bar. No one was there, and the music moved me. I took great delight in taking over the dance floor and getting my groove on for a good 2 hours with no distractions and just feeling my body. Dream guy 2 was at the bar tonite and if I didn't know better, I'd sware he knew he had visited me in the dreamtime. The way his eyes kept coming back to me, drinking me in and the way he embraced me and held me, lingering after the normal greeting time didn't go unnoticed. I thought last year he may be a bit psychic and have some dream power, and definitely felt that again tonight. There is a part of me that wanted to totally fall into those arms, but this town is too small, and I care too much for our friendship.
The rekindling of my sensuality and feeling my power as a woman is welcomed. The playful flirting is safe enough and good medicine for me right now. My wild woman is awakening and I call forth her power, passion, sensual, yummy, soft sweet grace to lead me, guide me, stimulate me, inspire me and remind me of the love I hold for myself that I can share with others.
I call forth the Priestess who loves many men for the healing of the earth, who fearlessly shares her self, body, mind, and spirit with men who are not afraid of her power and who will not bridle her.
I welcome the juicy, creative depths of my Goddess bliss thru my dance, thru my hands, thru my feet, thru all the Muses that move thru me.
Bring it on! I am ready and waiting!
Friday, April 9, 2010
8-Smoldering Fire Beckoning
Friday, April 9, 2010
It seems the challenge is to think forward thinking thoughts. It is to not think of what’s done, what’s past, what can not be changed. I guess this is a challenge for many of us, in so many moments in our lives and is the ultimate path to finding total peace perhaps.
My goal today is just to stay tuned into the moment, and to what I really want to manifest moving forward rather than returning again and again to what is past. I’m back and forth still, and there is some deep stuff coming forth that I don’t want to just pretend isn’t there in this need to move on.
There is a fire smoldering around his memory. While my rational, calm mind wants to talk me out of it, accept what is, and all of that groovy spiritual “it is what it is” stuff, I can’t deny it all totally either. The sadness is giving way to some anger today. I really and honestly don’t want to feel angry at him, or myself, but I would be a liar to say I don't.
There are so many things I could be angry about really. I could be angry at myself that I allowed him to take up so much of my life, and that I tolerated so much disrespect, so many lies, and such childish teenage behavior for so long. I could be angry that he left me to deal with everything he didn’t feel like dealing with, and that because of his lack of follow thru, I am out thousands of dollars sitting with a car that I can’t sell and that I am now driving illegally with the risk of it being taken and impounded if a police officer here wants to give me a hard time. There is plenty more there to be righteously angry about if I wanted to go there.
However, I feel sick again if I sit for too long with those thoughts, and I just can’t go into them today or ever again. While it’s true that there is this underlying rage at the injustice and non-fairness of it all coming thru that makes my head hurt, and my stomach sick, I have to move from those old stories. I have to move past them: both those that are true and those that may not be true, into something that is more productive and less painful. For my sake, for his, and for any possibility of a continued friendship with this man that I know in my heart never truly meant to hurt me in the ways that he did, I must move past the anger into forgiveness. He is still only a boy in there, lost and scared of his own reflection. In many ways, I am still a little girl, wanting only to be loved and taken care of. I must find compassion for both of us.
So today, I’m choosing to focus on each moment: long walks, beach time and enjoying being quiet, still and unattached to my past with him. Today I affirm to allow space for whatever is coming next in my life, to be non-emotional for a whole day and just move thru the day with a kind of detachment but as a practice in non-attachment rather than a disconnect. I can not bear the pain of feeling disappointed or sad today, nor the smoldering fire of anger.
Today I want to enjoy the beauty of this place, swim in the ocean, walk in the jungle, talk to the monkeys and delve into my practices.
Today: Yoga, Beach, Music, Walking, Reading and bed. My prayer tonight is to wake up in gratitude.
It seems the challenge is to think forward thinking thoughts. It is to not think of what’s done, what’s past, what can not be changed. I guess this is a challenge for many of us, in so many moments in our lives and is the ultimate path to finding total peace perhaps.
My goal today is just to stay tuned into the moment, and to what I really want to manifest moving forward rather than returning again and again to what is past. I’m back and forth still, and there is some deep stuff coming forth that I don’t want to just pretend isn’t there in this need to move on.
There is a fire smoldering around his memory. While my rational, calm mind wants to talk me out of it, accept what is, and all of that groovy spiritual “it is what it is” stuff, I can’t deny it all totally either. The sadness is giving way to some anger today. I really and honestly don’t want to feel angry at him, or myself, but I would be a liar to say I don't.
There are so many things I could be angry about really. I could be angry at myself that I allowed him to take up so much of my life, and that I tolerated so much disrespect, so many lies, and such childish teenage behavior for so long. I could be angry that he left me to deal with everything he didn’t feel like dealing with, and that because of his lack of follow thru, I am out thousands of dollars sitting with a car that I can’t sell and that I am now driving illegally with the risk of it being taken and impounded if a police officer here wants to give me a hard time. There is plenty more there to be righteously angry about if I wanted to go there.
However, I feel sick again if I sit for too long with those thoughts, and I just can’t go into them today or ever again. While it’s true that there is this underlying rage at the injustice and non-fairness of it all coming thru that makes my head hurt, and my stomach sick, I have to move from those old stories. I have to move past them: both those that are true and those that may not be true, into something that is more productive and less painful. For my sake, for his, and for any possibility of a continued friendship with this man that I know in my heart never truly meant to hurt me in the ways that he did, I must move past the anger into forgiveness. He is still only a boy in there, lost and scared of his own reflection. In many ways, I am still a little girl, wanting only to be loved and taken care of. I must find compassion for both of us.
So today, I’m choosing to focus on each moment: long walks, beach time and enjoying being quiet, still and unattached to my past with him. Today I affirm to allow space for whatever is coming next in my life, to be non-emotional for a whole day and just move thru the day with a kind of detachment but as a practice in non-attachment rather than a disconnect. I can not bear the pain of feeling disappointed or sad today, nor the smoldering fire of anger.
Today I want to enjoy the beauty of this place, swim in the ocean, walk in the jungle, talk to the monkeys and delve into my practices.
Today: Yoga, Beach, Music, Walking, Reading and bed. My prayer tonight is to wake up in gratitude.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
7-A Step Forward
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Today was perhaps the most neutral day yet emotionally. No big ups, no big downs, just a mellow consistent pulse of life, sharing, and the present moving thru me. I managed to stay mostly busy all day with a good amount of deep relaxation and stillness. Stillness that actually didn’t toss me into sadness or grief. Getting right to work was definitely a good idea today. I woke up at 5:30 AM, remembering that I had missed a deadline for an article submission in all of this emotional upheaval, and just kept moving into the present with each moment today. I even got a massage. The first one in 6 months.
It was a pleasant day for sure. I may even start to enjoy having total freedom again to be like the wind. To move when I want to move. Sit when I want to sit. Go where I want to go, when I feel to without the need to work with or around his needs. Truthfully, his presence changed a lot of the way I normally move thru the world. Every little detail had to be negotiated for a good part of our relationship. I was usually the one who would compromise my desires. I even went so far as making myself believe I didn’t have any for some time.
I’m sure he didn’t mean to, but he had a way of making me feel bad if he didn’t get to do the things he wanted to do, when he wanted to. Being fair, I imagine he might often have felt the same way. For most of our relationship we shared my car. Here in Costa Rica, we shared one car we both contributed to and so we often had to compromise. I just found that usually I would be the one to offer to stay home so he could go to work, or go ski, or go surf or whatever it was, and his world grew while mine shrank in scope, friends and social time away from home.
I feel a bit exhausted, tired and emotionally spent. I am also inspired and encouraged by the love and caring I’ve felt from those I’ve run into today. I’ve had several friends call lately just to check in on me, and have so appreciated the tenderness in them asking me “How are you doing?” It does bum me out that the one I considered my best friend for so many years hasn't called to check in at all. I'm trying to not feel hurt by it, but I do feel a little hurt there, I can't lie. It would comfort me to know he cared enough to ask.
Even though I’m sitting in this house on the hill alone, I feel a little less lonely tonight, a little less sad, and a little more ready to move forward than I did even yesterday.
Little by little, I know I’ll move thru this and find myself there smiling, waiting for myself to fly back into the world with all the light and love of my divine warrior Priestess queen shining brightly again.
I rest tonight in gratitude for those who have shared this day with me, and for those who I know are sending me love and support across the miles.
There is love always waiting, and it will always be there if I can just open to receive and be willing to be real, vulnerable and present with it all.
Tonight my prayer is for tomorrow being one step forward, and back to my self.
Today was perhaps the most neutral day yet emotionally. No big ups, no big downs, just a mellow consistent pulse of life, sharing, and the present moving thru me. I managed to stay mostly busy all day with a good amount of deep relaxation and stillness. Stillness that actually didn’t toss me into sadness or grief. Getting right to work was definitely a good idea today. I woke up at 5:30 AM, remembering that I had missed a deadline for an article submission in all of this emotional upheaval, and just kept moving into the present with each moment today. I even got a massage. The first one in 6 months.
It was a pleasant day for sure. I may even start to enjoy having total freedom again to be like the wind. To move when I want to move. Sit when I want to sit. Go where I want to go, when I feel to without the need to work with or around his needs. Truthfully, his presence changed a lot of the way I normally move thru the world. Every little detail had to be negotiated for a good part of our relationship. I was usually the one who would compromise my desires. I even went so far as making myself believe I didn’t have any for some time.
I’m sure he didn’t mean to, but he had a way of making me feel bad if he didn’t get to do the things he wanted to do, when he wanted to. Being fair, I imagine he might often have felt the same way. For most of our relationship we shared my car. Here in Costa Rica, we shared one car we both contributed to and so we often had to compromise. I just found that usually I would be the one to offer to stay home so he could go to work, or go ski, or go surf or whatever it was, and his world grew while mine shrank in scope, friends and social time away from home.
I feel a bit exhausted, tired and emotionally spent. I am also inspired and encouraged by the love and caring I’ve felt from those I’ve run into today. I’ve had several friends call lately just to check in on me, and have so appreciated the tenderness in them asking me “How are you doing?” It does bum me out that the one I considered my best friend for so many years hasn't called to check in at all. I'm trying to not feel hurt by it, but I do feel a little hurt there, I can't lie. It would comfort me to know he cared enough to ask.
Even though I’m sitting in this house on the hill alone, I feel a little less lonely tonight, a little less sad, and a little more ready to move forward than I did even yesterday.
Little by little, I know I’ll move thru this and find myself there smiling, waiting for myself to fly back into the world with all the light and love of my divine warrior Priestess queen shining brightly again.
I rest tonight in gratitude for those who have shared this day with me, and for those who I know are sending me love and support across the miles.
There is love always waiting, and it will always be there if I can just open to receive and be willing to be real, vulnerable and present with it all.
Tonight my prayer is for tomorrow being one step forward, and back to my self.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
6-Still Alive in Paradise
Wed, April 7, 2010
6:30 AM
So much for the upswing.
Short but sweet relief yesterday and today I’m a mess again. I couldn’t fall asleep last nite. My mind was too attached and too saddened with thoughts of him already dating and moving on. Even as much as he says he needs time alone, there's a knowing in me that he has desires for being with other women, younger women most likely, cuter, and sexier than I can compete with nearing 40. Even though some of his final words to me were "Getting involved with another woman right away would be the worst possible thing I could ever do to myself," there's a sick spot inside me knowing that the very first opportunity he gets he will start the same cycle all over again. If I know anything of the nature of men, this is pretty likely for a guy like him. I can feel too much of him still and I woke up praying for detachment, praying for the heart strings to be cut that connect me to him, trying to go in and detach them myself, and eventually I surrendered to tears, and they are still coming.
Being up here on the hill, I can wail, let the pain come out thru these tears, groan, moan and scream, and so I am. I tried desperately to reach out to some friends, but no one answers the phone at 7 AM, so as a last resort, I called him, and surprisingly, it helped. He is such a good friend, and my love for him is so much more profound than I can understand. Just hearing his voice brings me back to some sanity at least. He offered a good piece of advice and reminded me to enjoy this place while I’m here, and indeed I need to do that! So I'm off to swim and remember that I'm still alive in paradise.
Today’s Work: Focus fully on the NOW, future possibilities, and the magic of this place
=======
2:30 PM
Once again, I am reminded of the grace of listening. I left the house to go to my usual beach spot, and something guided me to a different beach, a beach I rarely stop at. It was beautiful and totally deserted. I had a very pleasant morning to myself at the beach, catching some waves and just playing in the super clear water and enjoying the simple pleasure of swimming in the ocean.
As I was getting ready to leave, a car pulled up. A woman with two men got out. I felt some connection to the woman and I thought to myself, “Wow, I must be feeling pretty pathetic to just want to go up to this random woman and hang out just to have some company and companionship.” I started getting ready to go, but something was pulling at me to not go yet. I noticed she was checking me out a bit too, and so I just decided to go sit on the beach for a few minutes and relax just to open up to whatever might be happening. Maybe there was some reason I was supposed to talk to this woman.
Just as I was getting ready to put my towel down, she came closer and said my name, both first and last. I looked at her, but didn’t recognize her, so how did she know my name? She was right in front of me now, and introduced herself and to my total surprise, it was a girl I had gone to highschool with, whom I hadn’t seen in 22 years. How in the world she recognized me after 22 years, or even thought to think it was me, is still boggling my mind. "Facebook," was her answer on how she recognized me and that she knew I was living in Costa Rica. We spent the morning together catching up and enjoying the re-newed connection, watching the surf, sharing stories and laughter and eventually lunch.
I feel so blessed that spirit led us both there, out of all the beaches around that we both could have chosen. I think it's the first and only time I've ever parked there, so the whole thing was pretty synchronic and clearly some kind of divine intervention. Yet another angel emerging in the perfect time to support me in my process. She was alone 7 years after her divorce, and was just re-entering the relationship world, and so it was just a wonderful thing to be with a strong woman, who went thru a much worse situation that I am going through, with 3 children to care for. To share and reflect on the journey and to be reminded, more than anything else that I am being guided and cared for more than I can often see was a refreshing way to spend the morning.
I am back home now and feeling that the lesson for me today is to let spirit guide me more, to be more willing to go out into the world of possibilities with an open heart to receive the little gems that are waiting for me there.
I took a nice long walk tonite, collected some guava pods, and came back for several hours of tabla and drum practice in my little house on the hill.
Tonite's prayer is to wake with this remembrance of being watched over and not fall apart in the morning!
6:30 AM
So much for the upswing.
Short but sweet relief yesterday and today I’m a mess again. I couldn’t fall asleep last nite. My mind was too attached and too saddened with thoughts of him already dating and moving on. Even as much as he says he needs time alone, there's a knowing in me that he has desires for being with other women, younger women most likely, cuter, and sexier than I can compete with nearing 40. Even though some of his final words to me were "Getting involved with another woman right away would be the worst possible thing I could ever do to myself," there's a sick spot inside me knowing that the very first opportunity he gets he will start the same cycle all over again. If I know anything of the nature of men, this is pretty likely for a guy like him. I can feel too much of him still and I woke up praying for detachment, praying for the heart strings to be cut that connect me to him, trying to go in and detach them myself, and eventually I surrendered to tears, and they are still coming.
Being up here on the hill, I can wail, let the pain come out thru these tears, groan, moan and scream, and so I am. I tried desperately to reach out to some friends, but no one answers the phone at 7 AM, so as a last resort, I called him, and surprisingly, it helped. He is such a good friend, and my love for him is so much more profound than I can understand. Just hearing his voice brings me back to some sanity at least. He offered a good piece of advice and reminded me to enjoy this place while I’m here, and indeed I need to do that! So I'm off to swim and remember that I'm still alive in paradise.
Today’s Work: Focus fully on the NOW, future possibilities, and the magic of this place
=======
2:30 PM
Once again, I am reminded of the grace of listening. I left the house to go to my usual beach spot, and something guided me to a different beach, a beach I rarely stop at. It was beautiful and totally deserted. I had a very pleasant morning to myself at the beach, catching some waves and just playing in the super clear water and enjoying the simple pleasure of swimming in the ocean.
As I was getting ready to leave, a car pulled up. A woman with two men got out. I felt some connection to the woman and I thought to myself, “Wow, I must be feeling pretty pathetic to just want to go up to this random woman and hang out just to have some company and companionship.” I started getting ready to go, but something was pulling at me to not go yet. I noticed she was checking me out a bit too, and so I just decided to go sit on the beach for a few minutes and relax just to open up to whatever might be happening. Maybe there was some reason I was supposed to talk to this woman.
Just as I was getting ready to put my towel down, she came closer and said my name, both first and last. I looked at her, but didn’t recognize her, so how did she know my name? She was right in front of me now, and introduced herself and to my total surprise, it was a girl I had gone to highschool with, whom I hadn’t seen in 22 years. How in the world she recognized me after 22 years, or even thought to think it was me, is still boggling my mind. "Facebook," was her answer on how she recognized me and that she knew I was living in Costa Rica. We spent the morning together catching up and enjoying the re-newed connection, watching the surf, sharing stories and laughter and eventually lunch.
I feel so blessed that spirit led us both there, out of all the beaches around that we both could have chosen. I think it's the first and only time I've ever parked there, so the whole thing was pretty synchronic and clearly some kind of divine intervention. Yet another angel emerging in the perfect time to support me in my process. She was alone 7 years after her divorce, and was just re-entering the relationship world, and so it was just a wonderful thing to be with a strong woman, who went thru a much worse situation that I am going through, with 3 children to care for. To share and reflect on the journey and to be reminded, more than anything else that I am being guided and cared for more than I can often see was a refreshing way to spend the morning.
I am back home now and feeling that the lesson for me today is to let spirit guide me more, to be more willing to go out into the world of possibilities with an open heart to receive the little gems that are waiting for me there.
I took a nice long walk tonite, collected some guava pods, and came back for several hours of tabla and drum practice in my little house on the hill.
Tonite's prayer is to wake with this remembrance of being watched over and not fall apart in the morning!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
5-The Angels of Remembrance
It never ceases to amaze me how spirit brings us people and tools
when we need them the most: I think of them as the Angels of Remembrance sent to remind us that we are being taken care of and looked after.
The day he left, I was wandering down the main street of Dominical, looking for a place to sit, drink coffee and work. I didn’t know what else to do to be honest. I was striking out everywhere, it was too early and no place was open yet. The truth was I didn’t want to be anywhere public, but I couldn’t bring myself to go home to the emptiness of the house we had shared yet either. That felt like instant breakdown material.
Just at the moment when I was feeling ready to lay down and cry, my friend Carlos pulled up and invited me to go to his house to ground down and work if I wanted some private space. He knew how tender my heart was and his offer was the perfect thing at the perfect time. It made me feel instantly like I was being taken care of, and that an angel had arrived to guide me in my moment of despair.
Two days later, Carlos cut his foot and I offered to bring some food to him so he wouldn’t have to walk thru town on it. I was happy to repay his kindness. While I was there I asked him if had any good books. I thought it would be nice to have a story around to read to fill in some of the space. He picked up a book called “Twilight Language of the Nagual” by Merilyn Tunneshende on the shamanic power of dreaming. “You might like this one,” he said, so I took it home.
As it turns out, this is the perfect book for me to be reading. It’s Merilyn’s story of when her fiancé died and she was left alone in the world and how she moved from that place of lonlieness to a deeper spiritual awakening, powerful transformations and a more meaningful life. Interesting parallel or cosmic synchronic message? No, my sweetie didn’t die physically, but the process of separation from someone so dear to one’s heart has parallels to a physical death, and brings on a lot of similar feelings of grief, loss, regret, depression, etc. Somehow the loss of parts of oneself that were emmeshed in the relationship is also akin to a psychological/spiritual death.
The book has been a huge gift and tool for me and in particular a great reminder for me of the truth that aloneness is required for certain stages of evolution to occur within our psyche and our souls. More specifically it addresses that to bring forth our “medicine” for the world, our “service” in essence, we often must have a time of loss, solitude and a certain emptiness, a void that only spirit and our true life’s purpose can fill, and we must stay present in that emptiness to receive the depths of our medicine.
Of course this isn’t some surprisingly new insight or anything. I know and have known, beyond my aching heart that this is necessary, right and good for me. Even in the depths of it, there is this knowingness that goes beyond, and that knowingness keeps me moving thru and having faith in the great unknown! After all, I am the one who chose this. I was the one who called forth this separation. It was me who told him I couldn’t be with him anymore, and wanted to separate, and it was me who chose to stay here for a month in order to have some alone time to process, heal and regain my self.
Some part of that makes it easier, I guess, some part of it doesn’t. But today, I'm choosing to focus on getting some work done and finding gratitude in still being here on Planet Earth to feel the pain with the rest of it.
The day he left, I was wandering down the main street of Dominical, looking for a place to sit, drink coffee and work. I didn’t know what else to do to be honest. I was striking out everywhere, it was too early and no place was open yet. The truth was I didn’t want to be anywhere public, but I couldn’t bring myself to go home to the emptiness of the house we had shared yet either. That felt like instant breakdown material.
Just at the moment when I was feeling ready to lay down and cry, my friend Carlos pulled up and invited me to go to his house to ground down and work if I wanted some private space. He knew how tender my heart was and his offer was the perfect thing at the perfect time. It made me feel instantly like I was being taken care of, and that an angel had arrived to guide me in my moment of despair.
Two days later, Carlos cut his foot and I offered to bring some food to him so he wouldn’t have to walk thru town on it. I was happy to repay his kindness. While I was there I asked him if had any good books. I thought it would be nice to have a story around to read to fill in some of the space. He picked up a book called “Twilight Language of the Nagual” by Merilyn Tunneshende on the shamanic power of dreaming. “You might like this one,” he said, so I took it home.
As it turns out, this is the perfect book for me to be reading. It’s Merilyn’s story of when her fiancé died and she was left alone in the world and how she moved from that place of lonlieness to a deeper spiritual awakening, powerful transformations and a more meaningful life. Interesting parallel or cosmic synchronic message? No, my sweetie didn’t die physically, but the process of separation from someone so dear to one’s heart has parallels to a physical death, and brings on a lot of similar feelings of grief, loss, regret, depression, etc. Somehow the loss of parts of oneself that were emmeshed in the relationship is also akin to a psychological/spiritual death.
The book has been a huge gift and tool for me and in particular a great reminder for me of the truth that aloneness is required for certain stages of evolution to occur within our psyche and our souls. More specifically it addresses that to bring forth our “medicine” for the world, our “service” in essence, we often must have a time of loss, solitude and a certain emptiness, a void that only spirit and our true life’s purpose can fill, and we must stay present in that emptiness to receive the depths of our medicine.
Of course this isn’t some surprisingly new insight or anything. I know and have known, beyond my aching heart that this is necessary, right and good for me. Even in the depths of it, there is this knowingness that goes beyond, and that knowingness keeps me moving thru and having faith in the great unknown! After all, I am the one who chose this. I was the one who called forth this separation. It was me who told him I couldn’t be with him anymore, and wanted to separate, and it was me who chose to stay here for a month in order to have some alone time to process, heal and regain my self.
Some part of that makes it easier, I guess, some part of it doesn’t. But today, I'm choosing to focus on getting some work done and finding gratitude in still being here on Planet Earth to feel the pain with the rest of it.
4-The Hammock is Always Mine: Re-claiming Solidarity
Day 2: Tuesday, April 6, 2010 9 AM
Three hours of meditation, yoga and body healing this morning leave me feeling, if nothing else, more grounded and ready for work again. Ah: work: the drowning place of it all!
The first few days after he left, all I did was work. I worked huge hours writing and working on things that "needed" to get done. I worked to fill up the void, to keep busy and not think about the loss of my best friend, lover and all the lost tossed dreams of our future together that I have tried to pretend didn’t matter, but that have devastated my sense of direction and purpose.
The past three days however, up until the surf session yesterday, I have been trying a different approach: that of surrender. Surrendering to the grief fully. Surrendering to the not wanting to do anything. Surrendering to laying around for hours just listening to the ocean, the birds and the wind. Surrendering to the reality that he is gone, and a part of me has gone with him and will never come back. Surrendering to some possibility that maybe there is a small still voice waiting for me to hear it’s call.
So far, no voice, but in moments, I imagine that I hear whispers in the wind that give me a little spark of hope for some divine message to come in that will change the course of my life forever and bring me into my full bliss again. I am raw. I am cracked wide open thru my pain. I'm like an exposed fruit, ripe, messy and needing to be consumed quick before it spoils or attracts bugs and varmits. I find myself laughing at myself at the sickening delusional state that that kind of hope can sometimes create if we get stuck in it, hoping for a message from God, waiting around for too long to just get on with it already.
Honestly, it hasn’t been that fun to make an effort to not fill up space, but I thought of it as a practice, a discipline to stop and allow what is just to be. For me to lay for hours on the floor or in the hammock, incapacitated by the numbness in my heart actually takes some will power for me.
I'm great at filling up space with work or "doing" when my heart hurts. I've had years of practice at it. It's what my culture has taught me: numb the pain, somehow, with work, with alcohol, with distractions, with pain killers. It's conditioned into me and I am well aware of it.
On some level though, I have had no choice but to surrender to the act of surrendering. The truth has been that I just couldn't do much of anything. My energy was too low. My heart felt so thick, and heavy my body wanted mostly only to be still. Somehow, starting to bleed today gave me some comfort that maybe some of the intensity and aching I’ve been feeling was intensified by the hormonal waves happening simultaneously, so maybe I won’t just keep wanting to cry or die every time I think of him or my own aloneness.
Today, however, I think I’ve passed over a threshold of some sort. I can see the work I need to do for myself more clearly: the Yoga, the healing light that my body needs to fight and win against the mutating cells in my blood, the attention my community service work is requiring to move itself forward, and I am again feeling motivated to work. Of course, I recognize that this could be a resurgence of the same old pattern of distracting myself from the pain. After all it's only been a few days and I still feel so raw. I want to have some hope that maybe just giving myself time to really go deep into the lonlieness, and to go a bit beyond the pain to the soft spots inside is helping me. I know the writing is my medicine right now.
I imagine that this cycle may continue for a little bit longer, but for today, I need to acknowledge that I have indeed survived a whole week without him. I fixed the car when it wouldn’t start, without him. I have gone out for two fun nites of dancing and music and drove home late, feeling no fear of that old beat up Mitsubishi he and I bought breaking down in the desolate dark jungle roads on the way home. Being able to stay out as long as I wanted without his energy pulling at me was divine.
I have only felt scared being in the house at nite alone once, and I think it was more because I smoked a little marijuana, which I rarely do. It was also the same day that the man was found dead by the waterfall, before it was known how he had died. Just the questionable talk about the possibility of someone being murdered close to my home put it too much in the realm of possibilities. I truly am in an isolated, vulnerable place here tucked out of view up on this hill. I went out boogy boarding totally alone and felt safe and relaxed being way out there. I am starting to feel like I can do this solitary woman thing again after all. God knows I survived just fine without a man for a lot of years, and even with a man around, truth be known, it was still me being the strong one and taking care of a lot of what needed to be done. It was one of the more tender and painful moments before he left, when thru his tears he said to me, "I don't know how to do anything, you've done it all."
One week down, and overall it hasn’t been all bad. I’m already re-discovering my own rhythm and my own pace. The long empty walks have been refreshing, and the nature bonding has been deep and sweet, talking to the monkeys and the birds as my best friends. Cooking and cleaning have been easier, as I only have to clean up my messes now, and I’m not constantly looking for things that he put somewhere else. There are no empty bottles in the fridge to mislead me into thinking I might have a taste of something that isn’t there, and the attitude of teenage defiance I always felt like I was fighting whenever I asked for any help from him to clean up or help me with any little task, isn’t in the ethers anymore: halleuij frikkin leuyah!
The hammock is always mine.
In full truth, I’d trade it all to have him back here sharing my life, living, laughing and loving together, but I’m really needing to find some positives today. I need to focus fully on the goodness in this transition if I’m going to pull out of the depression and be of service to this world in any way at all!
Three hours of meditation, yoga and body healing this morning leave me feeling, if nothing else, more grounded and ready for work again. Ah: work: the drowning place of it all!
The first few days after he left, all I did was work. I worked huge hours writing and working on things that "needed" to get done. I worked to fill up the void, to keep busy and not think about the loss of my best friend, lover and all the lost tossed dreams of our future together that I have tried to pretend didn’t matter, but that have devastated my sense of direction and purpose.
The past three days however, up until the surf session yesterday, I have been trying a different approach: that of surrender. Surrendering to the grief fully. Surrendering to the not wanting to do anything. Surrendering to laying around for hours just listening to the ocean, the birds and the wind. Surrendering to the reality that he is gone, and a part of me has gone with him and will never come back. Surrendering to some possibility that maybe there is a small still voice waiting for me to hear it’s call.
So far, no voice, but in moments, I imagine that I hear whispers in the wind that give me a little spark of hope for some divine message to come in that will change the course of my life forever and bring me into my full bliss again. I am raw. I am cracked wide open thru my pain. I'm like an exposed fruit, ripe, messy and needing to be consumed quick before it spoils or attracts bugs and varmits. I find myself laughing at myself at the sickening delusional state that that kind of hope can sometimes create if we get stuck in it, hoping for a message from God, waiting around for too long to just get on with it already.
Honestly, it hasn’t been that fun to make an effort to not fill up space, but I thought of it as a practice, a discipline to stop and allow what is just to be. For me to lay for hours on the floor or in the hammock, incapacitated by the numbness in my heart actually takes some will power for me.
I'm great at filling up space with work or "doing" when my heart hurts. I've had years of practice at it. It's what my culture has taught me: numb the pain, somehow, with work, with alcohol, with distractions, with pain killers. It's conditioned into me and I am well aware of it.
On some level though, I have had no choice but to surrender to the act of surrendering. The truth has been that I just couldn't do much of anything. My energy was too low. My heart felt so thick, and heavy my body wanted mostly only to be still. Somehow, starting to bleed today gave me some comfort that maybe some of the intensity and aching I’ve been feeling was intensified by the hormonal waves happening simultaneously, so maybe I won’t just keep wanting to cry or die every time I think of him or my own aloneness.
Today, however, I think I’ve passed over a threshold of some sort. I can see the work I need to do for myself more clearly: the Yoga, the healing light that my body needs to fight and win against the mutating cells in my blood, the attention my community service work is requiring to move itself forward, and I am again feeling motivated to work. Of course, I recognize that this could be a resurgence of the same old pattern of distracting myself from the pain. After all it's only been a few days and I still feel so raw. I want to have some hope that maybe just giving myself time to really go deep into the lonlieness, and to go a bit beyond the pain to the soft spots inside is helping me. I know the writing is my medicine right now.
I imagine that this cycle may continue for a little bit longer, but for today, I need to acknowledge that I have indeed survived a whole week without him. I fixed the car when it wouldn’t start, without him. I have gone out for two fun nites of dancing and music and drove home late, feeling no fear of that old beat up Mitsubishi he and I bought breaking down in the desolate dark jungle roads on the way home. Being able to stay out as long as I wanted without his energy pulling at me was divine.
I have only felt scared being in the house at nite alone once, and I think it was more because I smoked a little marijuana, which I rarely do. It was also the same day that the man was found dead by the waterfall, before it was known how he had died. Just the questionable talk about the possibility of someone being murdered close to my home put it too much in the realm of possibilities. I truly am in an isolated, vulnerable place here tucked out of view up on this hill. I went out boogy boarding totally alone and felt safe and relaxed being way out there. I am starting to feel like I can do this solitary woman thing again after all. God knows I survived just fine without a man for a lot of years, and even with a man around, truth be known, it was still me being the strong one and taking care of a lot of what needed to be done. It was one of the more tender and painful moments before he left, when thru his tears he said to me, "I don't know how to do anything, you've done it all."
One week down, and overall it hasn’t been all bad. I’m already re-discovering my own rhythm and my own pace. The long empty walks have been refreshing, and the nature bonding has been deep and sweet, talking to the monkeys and the birds as my best friends. Cooking and cleaning have been easier, as I only have to clean up my messes now, and I’m not constantly looking for things that he put somewhere else. There are no empty bottles in the fridge to mislead me into thinking I might have a taste of something that isn’t there, and the attitude of teenage defiance I always felt like I was fighting whenever I asked for any help from him to clean up or help me with any little task, isn’t in the ethers anymore: halleuij frikkin leuyah!
The hammock is always mine.
In full truth, I’d trade it all to have him back here sharing my life, living, laughing and loving together, but I’m really needing to find some positives today. I need to focus fully on the goodness in this transition if I’m going to pull out of the depression and be of service to this world in any way at all!
Monday, April 5, 2010
3-Sanctuary in Mourning
-->
Nature helps more than anything I think, and I am surrounded by her beauty, grace and majesty here. Even though much of it is laced with memories of him, it somehow soothes me more than anything. It provides me some outlet, some place to be where I can just be myself and empty out more. I went to the beach today for a sunset walk and a little boogy board session. At first entering the water alone, I longed for him to be out there somewhere paddling around with me. Just knowing he was there always gave me some comfort and security getting way out past the breakers. My heart ached and for a moment I thought I might just paddle out and keep paddling and not look back, that maybe today would be the day I’d really just disappear.
I felt nothing but empty out there. Little me, alone going into this huge ocean, no one else anywhere around. The beach was totally deserted this evening. No surfers, no walkers, no one but me out there for as far as I could see. The universe seemed to be affirming my aloneness for me. No one would even see me go, and days later, just like the guy who fell in the river near the farm, they’d find my car abandoned in the sand. Maybe I’d wash up on the shore, bloated, with my toes and fingers chewed up by fish.
I don’t know. I’m not really suicidal, but sometimes it seems easier. The only reason I could think of not to was that my mother would be heart broken and I knew I couldn’t do that to her or to my friends. I paddled slowly out, ducking the waves and surrendering to their power and experienced one of my most effortless experiences in getting out yet. Something fluid was happening inside of me tonight. I watched schools of fish coming thru the clear glassy blue water, and suddenly I forgot my pain.
The beauty and tranquility of the ocean, and the setting sun took me over. That and the urgency of getting out of the way of the big set waves that were rolling in ready to crash down on me demanded my full attention. I caught a nice wave, and rolled into the shore feeling glad I’d made the choice to come out to the ocean. There wasn’t any real joy in the ride, I’m too numb right now to feel much joy, but at least it gave me a diversion for a while, and I enjoyed the water and waves more tonite than I have in some time.
Now, with the sun having set, I am back to my little casita on the hill with a whole nite in front of me with nowhere to go, no one to distract me, and only a lonely little meowing cat to love who is really a little too mangey to love much. I’m reading a good book on dreaming, and I will ask tonite for a dream to help me see the good in this time more, and to find more appreciation for it than I am currently feeling.
I suppose it’s natural to mourn after almost 8 years of my life given to creating a life with another person who is just suddenly gone. A man I loved more than I should have perhaps, and still love with my whole heart. I suppose it’s natural to feel a little lost and alone living in a foreign country where I can only marginally communicate, with few friends to call or go to for comfort when the man I love and lived with has been gone for only 5 days.
I suppose it’s natural and I’m doing OK overall, yet the aching and the emptiness are intense and overwhelming in moments, and while I am trying to allow them the space to move thru, and to not fill the lonlieness too much, if my dream told me tonite of a way out of this place, I would grab that dream and fly away.
Tonite I pray for good sleep, guidance in the dream world and waking with a brighter horizon.
Nature helps more than anything I think, and I am surrounded by her beauty, grace and majesty here. Even though much of it is laced with memories of him, it somehow soothes me more than anything. It provides me some outlet, some place to be where I can just be myself and empty out more. I went to the beach today for a sunset walk and a little boogy board session. At first entering the water alone, I longed for him to be out there somewhere paddling around with me. Just knowing he was there always gave me some comfort and security getting way out past the breakers. My heart ached and for a moment I thought I might just paddle out and keep paddling and not look back, that maybe today would be the day I’d really just disappear.
I felt nothing but empty out there. Little me, alone going into this huge ocean, no one else anywhere around. The beach was totally deserted this evening. No surfers, no walkers, no one but me out there for as far as I could see. The universe seemed to be affirming my aloneness for me. No one would even see me go, and days later, just like the guy who fell in the river near the farm, they’d find my car abandoned in the sand. Maybe I’d wash up on the shore, bloated, with my toes and fingers chewed up by fish.
I don’t know. I’m not really suicidal, but sometimes it seems easier. The only reason I could think of not to was that my mother would be heart broken and I knew I couldn’t do that to her or to my friends. I paddled slowly out, ducking the waves and surrendering to their power and experienced one of my most effortless experiences in getting out yet. Something fluid was happening inside of me tonight. I watched schools of fish coming thru the clear glassy blue water, and suddenly I forgot my pain.
The beauty and tranquility of the ocean, and the setting sun took me over. That and the urgency of getting out of the way of the big set waves that were rolling in ready to crash down on me demanded my full attention. I caught a nice wave, and rolled into the shore feeling glad I’d made the choice to come out to the ocean. There wasn’t any real joy in the ride, I’m too numb right now to feel much joy, but at least it gave me a diversion for a while, and I enjoyed the water and waves more tonite than I have in some time.
Now, with the sun having set, I am back to my little casita on the hill with a whole nite in front of me with nowhere to go, no one to distract me, and only a lonely little meowing cat to love who is really a little too mangey to love much. I’m reading a good book on dreaming, and I will ask tonite for a dream to help me see the good in this time more, and to find more appreciation for it than I am currently feeling.
I suppose it’s natural to mourn after almost 8 years of my life given to creating a life with another person who is just suddenly gone. A man I loved more than I should have perhaps, and still love with my whole heart. I suppose it’s natural to feel a little lost and alone living in a foreign country where I can only marginally communicate, with few friends to call or go to for comfort when the man I love and lived with has been gone for only 5 days.
I suppose it’s natural and I’m doing OK overall, yet the aching and the emptiness are intense and overwhelming in moments, and while I am trying to allow them the space to move thru, and to not fill the lonlieness too much, if my dream told me tonite of a way out of this place, I would grab that dream and fly away.
Tonite I pray for good sleep, guidance in the dream world and waking with a brighter horizon.
2: Twenty One Days in a House on a Hill
-->I have 21 days of living alone in this little house on the hill ahead of me. Hours and hours, sometimes days of total solitude await me, and to be honest, a part of me wants to change my ticket and fly back home to friends, family and comfort today. A part of me feels I might go stark raving mad if I even can make it thru 21 more days like the last 5 have been. They haven’t been that bad really I guess, but the aching and aloneness eat at me in moments, and there is nowhere to go to escape. There is no one and nowhere to go to for solace in this. There is absolutely nothing to do but be here now with this.
The truth is, in spite of my "strong woman" exterior, I feel totally lost without his constant companionship. I feel raw and pulpy like an overripe mango. I am sickeningly empty to my core and feeling very numb and somewhat incapacitated. It’s literally physically hard to move sometimes. I don't have a lot of desire to do anything and feel like I am just existing for no other reason than to get thru this.
I feel like my life purpose has been sapped out of me. I guess I just didn't realize how much energy I put into caring for him, feeding him, and nurturing his needs at the cost of my own. No human has ever gotten so close to me, been so compatible with me, or understood me with as much clarity, tenderness or natural essence as he did. No one else has ever even come close. Most of the time, he was the only person I really wanted to be with. It was so comfortable, and so natural with him from the very first minute we met. I've never had anything close to that kind of connection with another human.
He knew me better than I knew myself in moments, and always had the medicine I needed even when I didn’t like it, even now. He spoke the words I didn't want to speak for myself: he knew he wasn’t good enough for me more than I knew that he wasn't. He knew I wasn’t being cared for as much as I deserved even when I couldn’t speak it. He knew he couldn’t be the man I need, even though I saw him as that more than what may have been true. I saw him as a king, a god man who could stand up to my fire and bring me to my softest most compassionate loving. All I saw in him was beauty and grace, a God in form.
None of it matters now. I ended it all. I had the courage he didn't have to walk away even when the love was sweet and alive. "If you love someone, let them go." It's all I hear some days running thru my head, and while it's was the hardest thing I've ever done on some level, there is also a knowingness that it must be this way: like it or not. And right now I don't like it. I feel cheated, betrayed by love and devastated.
Yesterday, I sat for hours in the hammock, unable to consider even moving, letting the sounds of the jungle take over my body and mind for as long as I could. Always the aloneness would bring me back, but there were moments of deep peace too, moments of complete stillness and those are the moments I am living for now.
Peace is a funny thing too: it has it’s own hollowness somehow. I feel sometimes in those moments of total stillness that that is what death is like. Stillpoint. Where all of existence is merged into me, I am floating timelessly in the place between here and no where, conscious of every little insect, the roar of the ocean, the wind, the earth beneath me, but attached to none of it. I am hovering in a sea of stillness. It is a precious and beautiful place. Maybe that’s part of the reason to meditate and learn stillness, is to prepare us for death. To prepare us for that place between the worlds where nothing ever changes, moves or whispers.
Today it has been 5 full days since he left. I miss him to my core, and at the same time feel a sense of relief that it is done and finally I can move through this and get beyond it, even if it is slow and painful, at least it has begun.
My prayer for this day is that my heart will start to mend and the aching and sickness in my belly will surrender to God’s will for change in my life.
1-Abandoned to Aloneness
7 AM April 5, 2010
When I awake, the first thing I feel is my aloneness. The place where he used to be is empty next to me. Within me there is an aching, a hole that feels unfillable, a void that feels eternal. Every morning my thoughts go first to him.
Where is he? How is he? Does he wake with a piece of emptiness too? Does he feel anything like I do?
The struggle every morning right now is to not break down completely, or at least to not cry too long. The pain in my heart is a profound aching. There is a squeezing pressure that wants to pour the water from my eyes and calls me to drown myself forever in the sea stretching endlessly before me, taunting me with it’s mesmerizing presence, day and nite.
Along with the aching, comes the cry to God: the call for some mercy, some other presence to fill the void, to make me whole again, to show me some grace and compassion. This call fills my being and I am hungry for some message, some acknowledgement that I am not really as alone as I feel.
I feel utterly and totally abandoned. Abandoned by love, abandoned by God even. How can anything hurt so much and make me feel as sick as I do? How can this life bring such intense grief at the loss of true love? And of course I know love can't truly be lost, but when the physical presence of that person is gone, the space, the emptiness is dramatically evident. Maybe only the death of a loved one hurts more than this kind of death, I don't really know that piece yet. I don’t think I want to.
This feels like a death of sorts ending an eight year long, tender, loving relationship as I am now. I feel like in order to really move on, I have to feel and see something I loved and cherished as dead between us or I can’t totally let go. Some part of me wishes I’d never let myself love so fully, and so deeply. I am angry at myself for completely abandoning my own knowingness that I was giving too much of myself away. Still another part of me is only grateful for knowing such a sweet love. I feel blessed that, in truth, it is not dead, but only evolving into something I know not as of yet. I wouldn't change one moment of loving him. It was my joy to give myself so fully.
Yet, even that knowing doesn’t make it any easier. The knowing doesn’t take away this ache. It doesn’t have me waking up singing in joy, nor does it allow me to be resting quickly and easefully at night the way I did with his strong arms and peaceful, soothing presence always near by.
Last night the fear of my aloneness came creeping in when I came home to this dark little house tucked up on the hill looking over the sea where I am living in Costa Rica. Fears came sweeping in that some dark intruder was inside, that someone had known he had left and was waiting inside to attack me, hurt me, damage me more. I couldn’t sleep. I found myself lying in bed for hours listening to every little sound and talking myself out of the fear with logic that seemed weak and floppy, but that was actually truth.
“No one is here to hurt me. Nothing is different since he left. You are safe here.” “You can rest, you are protected.” Still, the knowingness didn’t subside the fears. I longed for his hand to hold onto as I fell asleep, the way we fell asleep together for nearly 8 years, hands touching softly beneath the sheet. I didn’t sleep til after 2 AM, and over and over my mind flipped between him, and God, between the knowingness that I was safe, and the simultaneous knowingness of my total vulnerability should some crazy man jump thru the window in the middle of the night. I lay there miserably fenced between the warrior/shaman/priestess knowingness that this is a valuable, good and crucial time for me to grow, and the heartbreak of a woman near 40 who is ready to be with her lifelong partner, to build and grow in life and love together.
Clearly, I am on a new journey; maybe the biggest one yet of my life. I have 21 days of living alone in the jungle by the sea in Costa Rica to create a new life to return to that can inspire me enough to get thru this and want to love and live anew.
My old life is gone. My beautiful angel who has held me, loved me, comforted me, and been my rock, my stability, my home and my place to run to is gone. The one who always kept me laughing, lite and re-finding grace is gone and I made it so.
I am alone in the world again at 39, fighting pre-cancerous mutating cells in this little body, with no place to go but inside myself for the strength, answers and guidance of what to do next with my life. On day 5 of the journey, I am simply trying to find the gratitude for this, and in some moments I do indeed feel peace.
For nearly eight years, one beautiful man has been my sun. He has been the love and light I have revolved around, he was woven deeply into my world and I in his. Together we had created our own sweet jewel that only he and I truly knew the radiance of.
I have lived and breathed his life and breath, loving him in a way that I never knew was possible. I gave up almost everything of myself to maintain being with him, and willingly and joyfully as nothing or no one else has ever brought me such peace, joy and comfort as he did. He helped me to heal parts of myself that were shattered and gave me a foundation to move from into the world to start to re-find myself.
I had very recently begun to actually believe that he would be my partner for many years to come, even for life. I was just starting to feel that we would build a lifelong future together. He had actually finally won my trust and my faith, after years of my own skeptism that he could really be ready for that, or that I even wanted that. He told me he would take care of me, and I was starting to believe him. He told me he wanted to be with me for many years to come, and I believed him. He even told me that he thought I might be the one, and after years of resisting that that possibility could even exist for me, he had finally convinced me that it might actually be possible that a man could love me that deeply.
Even before he left just 5 days ago, he was putting hope into me, that maybe someday he’d come back and take care of me, telling me he thought we’d be back together someday. His love has always been there when I doubted. When I wanted to move on, wanted to let go, wanted to run, he'd stand strong, and remind me that he wasn't going anywhere and tell me that we are meant to be together. His love always won me over and after nearly 8 years, it was feeling like we'd made it over a big hump and I had finally surrendered fully to the love and all of it’s challenges.
Yet now, even in spite of all of his wanting to leave me hopeful, I need the hope to die so that I may be able to move on fully with my life, with no attachment to “maybe someday” any longer. No more false illusions of possibilities, no holding on to anything: I need the death of it for my own closure.
I wanted to die in his arms, I still do. Some part of me already has.
Yesterday I got word that a young man had gone for a walk three days ago and never returned. Friends of mine sent a search party and his body was found in the river not so far from my house. No one knows what happened. He went out for a walk and he never came back. Somehow that hit me hard last nite. The impermanence of this life is so easy to forget. Life is too easy to take for granted.
To expect another day is the way we live for the most part. We all know that life can end at any second, but we don’t really experience what that means until someone passes away, or there is some kind of permanent loss. Death feels so final. Through spiritual wisdom, we know that it is only truly a transition to some other realm that we can’t fully grasp. Yet on the physical level that we associate life with most of the time, it is final. It is a full moving from one experience to another and we go alone.
So why is it that this aloneness bites so much? Some say we are born alone, but truly I don’t see that as true. We are created from two beings coming together in union, then we develop in the body of our mother. We are birthed, held, nurtured, fed, cared for by others. A human baby is so vulnerable and in need of others to care for it. There is truly nothing alone about being born. We come in fully attached, and already in love with our mothers. We are never alone in the beginning or we wouldn’t survive. Life isn’t meant to be lived alone. "No man is an island."
We don’t get here without help from other beings, we can’t survive here totally alone, and those who do often end up insane or fanatical because it is not human nature to be solitary beings, it simply isn’t. Humans are, and always have been, social animals who are most healthy when they can love others, share, and commune.
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