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Nature helps more than anything I think, and
I am surrounded by her beauty, grace and majesty here. Even though much of it
is laced with memories of him, it somehow soothes me more than anything. It provides me some outlet, some place to be
where I can just be myself and empty out more.
I went to the beach today for a sunset walk and a little boogy board
session. At first entering the water alone, I longed for him to be out there somewhere
paddling around with me. Just knowing he was there always gave me some comfort
and security getting way out past the breakers. My heart ached and for a moment
I thought I might just paddle out and keep paddling and not look back, that
maybe today would be the day I’d really just disappear.
I felt nothing but empty out there. Little me, alone going into this huge ocean,
no one else anywhere around. The beach was totally deserted this evening. No surfers, no walkers, no one but me out
there for as far as I could see. The universe seemed to be affirming my
aloneness for me. No one would even see me go, and days later, just like the
guy who fell in the river near the farm, they’d find my car abandoned in the
sand. Maybe I’d wash up on the shore, bloated,
with my toes and fingers chewed up by fish.
I don’t know.
I’m not really suicidal, but sometimes it seems easier. The only reason
I could think of not to was that my mother would be heart broken and I knew I
couldn’t do that to her or to my friends. I paddled slowly out, ducking the waves and
surrendering to their power and experienced one of my most effortless
experiences in getting out yet.
Something fluid was happening inside of me tonight. I watched schools of fish coming thru the
clear glassy blue water, and suddenly I forgot my pain.
The beauty and
tranquility of the ocean, and the setting sun took me over. That and the
urgency of getting out of the way of the big set waves that were rolling in
ready to crash down on me demanded my full attention. I caught a nice wave, and
rolled into the shore feeling glad I’d made the choice to come out to the
ocean. There wasn’t any real joy in the ride, I’m too numb right now to feel
much joy, but at least it gave me a diversion for a while, and I enjoyed the
water and waves more tonite than I have in some time.
Now, with the sun having set, I am back to my
little casita on the hill with a whole nite in front of me with nowhere to go,
no one to distract me, and only a lonely little meowing cat to love who is
really a little too mangey to love much. I’m reading a good book on dreaming,
and I will ask tonite for a dream to help me see the good in this time more,
and to find more appreciation for it than I am currently feeling.
I suppose it’s natural to mourn after almost
8 years of my life given to creating a life with another person who is just
suddenly gone. A man I loved more than I should have perhaps, and still love
with my whole heart. I suppose it’s natural to feel a little lost and alone
living in a foreign country where I can only marginally communicate, with few
friends to call or go to for comfort when the man I love and lived with has
been gone for only 5 days.
I suppose it’s natural and I’m doing OK overall, yet
the aching and the emptiness are intense and overwhelming in moments, and while
I am trying to allow them the space to move thru, and to not fill the
lonlieness too much, if my dream told me tonite of a way out of this place, I
would grab that dream and fly away.
Tonite I pray for good sleep, guidance in the
dream world and waking with a brighter horizon.
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