5-The Angels of Remembrance

It never ceases to amaze me how spirit brings us people and tools when we need them the most: I think of them as the Angels of Remembrance sent to remind us that we are being taken care of and looked after.

The day he left, I was wandering down the main street of Dominical, looking for a place to sit, drink coffee and work. I didn’t know what else to do to be honest. I was striking out everywhere, it was too early and no place was open yet. The truth was I didn’t want to be anywhere public, but I couldn’t bring myself to go home to the emptiness of the house we had shared yet either. That felt like instant breakdown material.

Just at the moment when I was feeling ready to lay down and cry, my friend Carlos pulled up and invited me to go to his house to ground down and work if I wanted some private space.  He knew how tender my heart was and his offer was the perfect thing at the perfect time.  It made me feel instantly like I was being taken care of, and that an angel had arrived to guide me in my moment of despair.

Two days later, Carlos cut his foot and I offered to bring some food to him so he wouldn’t have to walk thru town on it.   I was happy to repay his kindness. While I was there I asked him if had any good books.  I thought it would be nice to have a story around to read to fill in some of the space. He picked up a book called “Twilight Language of the Nagual” by Merilyn Tunneshende on the shamanic power of dreaming. “You might like this one,” he said, so I took it home.

As it turns out, this is the perfect book for me to be reading. It’s Merilyn’s story of when her fiancé died and she was left alone in the world and how she moved from that place of lonlieness to a deeper spiritual awakening, powerful transformations and a more meaningful life. Interesting parallel or cosmic synchronic message? No, my sweetie didn’t die physically, but the process of separation from someone so dear to one’s heart has parallels to a physical death, and brings on a lot of similar feelings of grief, loss, regret, depression, etc.  Somehow the loss of parts of oneself that were emmeshed in the relationship is also akin to a psychological/spiritual death.

The book has been a huge gift and tool for me and in particular a great reminder for me of the truth that aloneness is required for certain stages of evolution to occur within our psyche and our souls. More specifically it addresses that to bring forth our “medicine” for the world, our “service” in essence, we often must have a time of loss, solitude and a certain emptiness, a void that only spirit and our true life’s purpose can fill, and we must stay present in that emptiness to receive the depths of our medicine.

Of course this isn’t some surprisingly new insight or anything. I know and have known, beyond my aching heart that this is necessary, right and good for me. Even in the depths of it, there is this knowingness that goes beyond, and that knowingness keeps me moving thru and having faith in the great unknown! After all, I am the one who chose this. I was the one who called forth this separation. It was me who told him I couldn’t be with him anymore, and wanted to separate, and it was me who chose to stay here for a month in order to have some alone time to process, heal and regain my self.

Some part of that makes it easier, I guess, some part of it doesn’t. But today, I'm choosing to focus on getting some work done and finding gratitude in still being here on Planet Earth to feel the pain with the rest of it.