2: Twenty One Days in a House on a Hill

-->I have 21 days of living alone in this little house on the hill ahead of me. Hours and hours, sometimes days of total solitude await me, and to be honest, a part of me wants to change my ticket and fly back home to friends, family and comfort today. A part of me feels I might go stark raving mad if I even can make it thru 21 more days like the last 5 have been. They haven’t been that bad really I guess, but the aching and aloneness eat at me in moments, and there is nowhere to go to escape. There is no one and nowhere to go to for solace in this. There is absolutely nothing to do but be here now with this.

The truth is, in spite of my "strong woman" exterior, I feel totally lost without his constant companionship. I feel raw and pulpy like an overripe mango. I am sickeningly empty to my core and feeling very numb and somewhat incapacitated. It’s literally physically hard to move sometimes. I don't have a lot of desire to do anything and feel like I am just existing for no other reason than to get thru this. 


I feel like my life purpose has been sapped out of me. I guess I just didn't realize how much energy I put into caring for him, feeding him, and nurturing his needs at the cost of my own. No human has ever gotten so close to me, been so compatible with me, or understood me with as much clarity, tenderness or natural essence as he did. No one else has ever even come close. Most of the time, he was the only person I really wanted to be with.  It was so comfortable, and so natural with him from the very first minute we met. I've never had anything close to that kind of connection with another human. 


He knew me better than I knew myself in moments, and always had the medicine I needed even when I didn’t like it, even now. He spoke the words I didn't want to speak for myself: he knew he wasn’t good enough for me more than I knew that he wasn't.  He knew I wasn’t being cared for as much as I deserved even when I couldn’t speak it.   He knew he couldn’t be the man I need, even though I saw him as that more than what may have been true. I saw him as a king, a god man who could stand up to my fire and bring me to my softest most compassionate loving. All I saw in him was beauty and grace, a God in form.


None of it matters now. I ended it all.  I had the courage he didn't have to walk away even when the love was sweet and alive. "If you love someone, let them go." It's all I hear some days running thru my head, and while it's was the hardest thing I've ever done on some level, there is also a knowingness that it must be this way: like it or not. And right now I don't like it. I feel cheated, betrayed by love and devastated.


Yesterday, I sat for hours in the hammock, unable to consider even moving, letting the sounds of the jungle take over my body and mind for as long as I could. Always the aloneness would bring me back, but there were moments of deep peace too, moments of complete stillness and those are the moments I am living for now.


Peace is a funny thing too: it has it’s own hollowness somehow. I feel sometimes in those moments of total stillness that that is what death is like. Stillpoint. Where all of existence is merged into me, I am floating timelessly in the place between here and no where, conscious of every little insect, the roar of the ocean, the wind, the earth beneath me, but attached to none of it. I am hovering in a sea of stillness. It is a precious and beautiful place. Maybe that’s part of the reason to meditate and learn stillness, is to prepare us for death. To prepare us for that place between the worlds where nothing ever changes, moves or whispers. 


Today it has been 5 full days since he left. I miss him to my core, and at the same time feel a sense of relief that it is done and finally I can move through this and get beyond it, even if it is slow and painful, at least it has begun.



My prayer for this day is that my heart will start to mend and the aching and sickness in my belly will surrender to God’s will for change in my life.