May 10, 2010
It’s been too difficult and too busy to sit and write lately, and with all of my own fumbling and falling into the abyss of fears, insecurities and insanity, I haven’t even wanted to. I’m ashamed of myself in ways I never knew possible for a “woman like me.” I’ve acted and behaved in ways I can’t even believe are true and seen my dark side for sure! I'm still standing, but barely and I've been dragged down by my own choices of holding on too much to something that's only hurting me. Much to consider, and I have a long way to go to be home fully in the light I know I will return to.
In between the last post and this one, I discovered many truths within myself and about this man I am weaning myself from that were shocking, disheartening and mind boggling at best. He was indeed disconnecting, and for good reason. Within 10 days of leaving me in Costa Rica, he had already started a new relationship. I guess this wouldn’t have been so shocking if I hadn’t heard over and over out of his mouth the words, “getting involved with another woman would be the worst possible thing I could ever do for myself,” and “I have no interest in being with another woman for a long time, I need to be with myself.” I felt so betrayed, deceived and bullshit overall that it triggered every negative emotion and hurtful cell in my body, from abandonment to betrayal to anger and jealousy to total insanity.
I stopped sleeping. Anxiety took me over. The first knee jerk reaction was to immediately find the hottest guy I could to have my own rendevouz with which was actually a sweet reprieve from it all and very comforting to help me through those first few shocking days. It also allowed me some compassion as I felt how fast I could feel deeply moved to my core being in such a vulnerable place of loss and lonlieness. I could relate to him seeking comfort out of the intense inner pain, and grief. I could at some level understand how my ex could easily have been led into the arms of another woman and even how he could convince himself that it was deep and meaningful because of his need to feel that it is to validate his actions. So my heart was compassionate and I gained a lot of clarity through sharing a few hot and steamy nights with a new young hottie, and for sure it granted me some distraction and release.
Arriving back in Boulder however, where he had insisted on picking me up from the airport, my ex and I were irresistibly drawn to each other and after he assured me he had used protection with her, I allowed him to make love to me again two times before I found out the truth of his bullshit and that he had indeed lied to me once again.
Somehow this lie totally threw me over the edge and helped me to get a little closure on it all and recognize how many lies I have dealt with in these 7 years, especially around women, sexuality and important issues of this nature. I felt totally used and undervalued and deceived. It felt like he was willing to risk my life for the avoidance of me saying no to him sexually and that felt really horrible.
Being who I am, I cranked into support needed mode and called on my sisters. I did two women’s circles with amazing strong women and sister friends of mine. The first circle was with my elder sisters, who are all in their late 50’s and 60’s that gave me more clarity, offered me some deep insight into how much I had been containing my self, blaming myself in defense of him, and utterly disrespecting my own needs in the relationship. They helped me to see where I was addicted to him, how I would blame myself before holding him accountable, my own misconceptions of what “good” means and the lack of community that the relationship had created by isolating me in lala love land. The elder women offered me wisdom, strength and a very no bull shit perspective to what I was hooked on with him, and what I needed to let go of to move on fully. The sister circle the next night was a blast into my potential and my new life, a supportive, nurturing, prayerful time of reflection and gentle compassionate support for me to move forward in with a knowingness that my potential is far beyond what I have known in the past. All of it was about letting go, surrendering, accepting, moving forth and being in my power around it all.
Still somehow though, my heart has been hurting and sad. He looked like hell when I saw him the last few times, and he finally seemed to be hitting the reality of what he has now permanently damaged between us.
Now I am back home, with family and feeling like I’m starting to unravel even more. What am I doing?
Where am I going?
What is it that is going to bring me to more fulfillment?
Why do I still feel a hole in my heart when I think of losing him and when is that going to finally go away?
Suddenly everything feels insane,like the very core of my being is lost in the cosmos and I am swirling uncontrollably on emotional waves of anger, grief, sadness, sorrow, hatred, love, insanity.
I am exhausted, tired on an inner level in a different way than I’ve ever known. I look at my future and I’m not sure what I see, but most of it looks more sad than exciting and I feel, more than anything abandoned by the man I thought loved me and totally despairing of any hope that a man can really stand by his woman through life in the way that I dream of.
I look at the posts I wrote a few weeks ago and I wonder if that was the same woman, I feel like her total polar opposite. For all lite I had shared, I feel darkness consuming me and like the end is here and I am truly dying a slow painful death.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Journey Back to Self: 14
My new mantra: Let go and Flow.
Writing a new story is great, and I spent hours on the beach yesterday meditating and walking into new possible stories. I wrote a whole new one to change my perspective on all of this, taking all the responsibility away from him and empowering myself with action. He’s just emotionally incapable, just a confused man who doesn’t know how to do the right thing, doesn’t even know what the right thing is. He’s doing the best that he can, he’s emotionally immature, he’s just taking care of himself. That was helpful, and I’m really trying to believe those new stories, I’m praying to God that I can start to accept those. Yet in my somewhat sometimes sickened little angry head, I hear this voice saying, “Bullshit, he’s not doing the best that he can, he knows fully well how much this kind of avoidance and disconnect will hurt you, he’s doing it to sabotage what’s good that was left and to punish you and himself more than what is necessary.” So I took another walk this morning, fell to my knees on the muddy gravel road with the leaf cutter ants, and I cried to God to please have mercy on me and show me a way to find peace with this and to not be angry, not be a victim, not be hurt, not feel the rage I am feeling.
And so also I can find some gratitude that I no longer need to be dealing with this emotional unavailability in him any more. I can move into realizing how much I stopped my own growth by trying to constantly accept and be OK with this kind of behavior. I can be grateful that my relationships with others will no longer be jeopardized as they have been by the way he treats people.
Over the years, I had several people tell me they trusted me less because I was with him because they knew he wasn’t reliable, honest or totally transparent. How much damage did I do to myself there? And I was so blind, so hopeful that he would choose to step up to meet me that I continually lowered my standards and accepted his ways even when they hurt me, damaged my self esteem and activated the most intense emotions within me. What was I thinking to be with this man anyway? What was I thinking? A man who wouldn’t help his woman change a lightbulb in his own kitchen just to be defiant? What have I been doing for 7 years trying to talk myself into believing in his potential rather than seeing what others seemed to be seeing clearly?
Today's Mantra: Let go and flow.
Writing a new story is great, and I spent hours on the beach yesterday meditating and walking into new possible stories. I wrote a whole new one to change my perspective on all of this, taking all the responsibility away from him and empowering myself with action. He’s just emotionally incapable, just a confused man who doesn’t know how to do the right thing, doesn’t even know what the right thing is. He’s doing the best that he can, he’s emotionally immature, he’s just taking care of himself. That was helpful, and I’m really trying to believe those new stories, I’m praying to God that I can start to accept those. Yet in my somewhat sometimes sickened little angry head, I hear this voice saying, “Bullshit, he’s not doing the best that he can, he knows fully well how much this kind of avoidance and disconnect will hurt you, he’s doing it to sabotage what’s good that was left and to punish you and himself more than what is necessary.” So I took another walk this morning, fell to my knees on the muddy gravel road with the leaf cutter ants, and I cried to God to please have mercy on me and show me a way to find peace with this and to not be angry, not be a victim, not be hurt, not feel the rage I am feeling.
And so also I can find some gratitude that I no longer need to be dealing with this emotional unavailability in him any more. I can move into realizing how much I stopped my own growth by trying to constantly accept and be OK with this kind of behavior. I can be grateful that my relationships with others will no longer be jeopardized as they have been by the way he treats people.
Over the years, I had several people tell me they trusted me less because I was with him because they knew he wasn’t reliable, honest or totally transparent. How much damage did I do to myself there? And I was so blind, so hopeful that he would choose to step up to meet me that I continually lowered my standards and accepted his ways even when they hurt me, damaged my self esteem and activated the most intense emotions within me. What was I thinking to be with this man anyway? What was I thinking? A man who wouldn’t help his woman change a lightbulb in his own kitchen just to be defiant? What have I been doing for 7 years trying to talk myself into believing in his potential rather than seeing what others seemed to be seeing clearly?
Today's Mantra: Let go and flow.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Journey Back to Self 12
Day 12, Friday, April
After two days of soaking all day, I was a little mushy inside and out, and starting to feel a bit sad and concerned that maybe he could feel that I had allowed another man into my arms, and I wanted nothing more than to just hear his voice. It was a big mistake to call, and his coldness shocked me and left me distraught and emotionally devastated. I should have let him call me and not bothered, he just can’t really be emotionally available at all and ends up making me feel so uncared for in his distance, and so unappreciated. I need to write a new story, but he just keeps affirming the old one to me. My heart feels ripped back to shreds and I wonder why I continue to expect him to be available emotionally when he never really has been.
I have this deep need for resolution, and the way we got disconnected last night in the conversation when my battery died did not allow for the fullness of the exchange. His attitude was so cold I was shocked into anger and it was just at that moment that my battery died. I tried to call back but he wouldn’t answer and that just added to my feelings of disrespect and frustration. For me, just even trying to resolve it, talking it out can bring the peace of mind and at least some sense of understanding and mutual respect. It doesn’t mean we have to agree, but if each person gets to speak and share and be heard, then there is caring there, there is potential for learning and mutual respect. He can’t do it though.
He knows how much it affects me when he shuts down and won’t communicate, and I felt to my core than he was doing it intentionally to hurt me more and to be cruel. He knew I would want to complete the conversation and resolve the energy, and he just completely disengaged and did his typical abandon ship routine. He knows I won’t be able to sleep, I can’t sleep with unresolved issues between us, and he knows that damn well. Fucking coward… I hate to say it, but it is what it is and that man is a coward if I’ve ever known one. He can’t deal, so he just hides, runs away, shuts down and it is so sickening to me that he chooses that knowing full well how it affects me. It just shows me what I don’t want to see, he only considers protecting himself at the cost of hurting others. I’ve watched it for 7 years over and over with numerous people, so now I get to experience it full force and it sucks.
After two days of soaking all day, I was a little mushy inside and out, and starting to feel a bit sad and concerned that maybe he could feel that I had allowed another man into my arms, and I wanted nothing more than to just hear his voice. It was a big mistake to call, and his coldness shocked me and left me distraught and emotionally devastated. I should have let him call me and not bothered, he just can’t really be emotionally available at all and ends up making me feel so uncared for in his distance, and so unappreciated. I need to write a new story, but he just keeps affirming the old one to me. My heart feels ripped back to shreds and I wonder why I continue to expect him to be available emotionally when he never really has been.
I have this deep need for resolution, and the way we got disconnected last night in the conversation when my battery died did not allow for the fullness of the exchange. His attitude was so cold I was shocked into anger and it was just at that moment that my battery died. I tried to call back but he wouldn’t answer and that just added to my feelings of disrespect and frustration. For me, just even trying to resolve it, talking it out can bring the peace of mind and at least some sense of understanding and mutual respect. It doesn’t mean we have to agree, but if each person gets to speak and share and be heard, then there is caring there, there is potential for learning and mutual respect. He can’t do it though.
He knows how much it affects me when he shuts down and won’t communicate, and I felt to my core than he was doing it intentionally to hurt me more and to be cruel. He knew I would want to complete the conversation and resolve the energy, and he just completely disengaged and did his typical abandon ship routine. He knows I won’t be able to sleep, I can’t sleep with unresolved issues between us, and he knows that damn well. Fucking coward… I hate to say it, but it is what it is and that man is a coward if I’ve ever known one. He can’t deal, so he just hides, runs away, shuts down and it is so sickening to me that he chooses that knowing full well how it affects me. It just shows me what I don’t want to see, he only considers protecting himself at the cost of hurting others. I’ve watched it for 7 years over and over with numerous people, so now I get to experience it full force and it sucks.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Journey Back to Self: 13
Day 13, Saturday,
A full day of movement, meditation, tears and going into the pain today with my friend Sofiah’s movement workshop. Found myself being resistant to moving at first, the pain just wanting to paralyze me, incapacitate me, ruin me. I moved though, and felt like nothing but a shell. Total empty, void of any substance, I felt dead but the movement reminded me I am still alive.
I felt like the body was moving, but the spirit, the soul was gone from it. Going thru the motions still held it’s own release on the physical level. I found myself just feeling hopeless and frustrated that I am back here again in this place of hurt and disappointment that I can not be met by him on any of the deeper levels I need to be met. My prayer was to let go, to release, but I felt trapped in the feelings all day and even when I got home.
Again, I am questioning my sanity at why I even care, and why I am so attached still. One of the other women in the workshop ended a 14 year relationship about a year ago, and it was inspiring to be with her grace and joy. She was so happy to be alone and so strong, and it inspired me to know that I too will be there soon and I know that place is available for me as soon as I can allow it fully to take root.
When I got home tonite, though in spite of my resolve to “think forward thinking thoughts,” I broke down again in deep mournful crying. Why did I allow myself to love so much? Why did I allow myself to love a man who wasn’t capable of loving me fully? Why did I choose a man who doesn’t even know who he is, who’s sexuality is so confused by the trauma of his childhood, who won’t get help, refuses to get help to heal and mature, who chooses to stay stuck in depression?
The aching in my core, the sickness in my stomach, the total grief of it took me over again tonite and I let it tear at me like a wild raging animal. And then I grabbed my drum, my ally, my friend, my confidant who hears all, and I sang thru my tears. I sang with the wounded voice of barely breathing grief, I screamed, I cursed him, I cursed myself, I prayed to God to give me some rest from this pain, to teach me to let go, to not plague my mind anymore by any thoughts of him, or wondering what he’s doing, why he won’t talk to me, who he’s sleeping with already, what friends of mine he will try to seduce. I played and sang and before I slept I returned to my mantra, “Forward thinking thoughts.”
A full day of movement, meditation, tears and going into the pain today with my friend Sofiah’s movement workshop. Found myself being resistant to moving at first, the pain just wanting to paralyze me, incapacitate me, ruin me. I moved though, and felt like nothing but a shell. Total empty, void of any substance, I felt dead but the movement reminded me I am still alive.
I felt like the body was moving, but the spirit, the soul was gone from it. Going thru the motions still held it’s own release on the physical level. I found myself just feeling hopeless and frustrated that I am back here again in this place of hurt and disappointment that I can not be met by him on any of the deeper levels I need to be met. My prayer was to let go, to release, but I felt trapped in the feelings all day and even when I got home.
Again, I am questioning my sanity at why I even care, and why I am so attached still. One of the other women in the workshop ended a 14 year relationship about a year ago, and it was inspiring to be with her grace and joy. She was so happy to be alone and so strong, and it inspired me to know that I too will be there soon and I know that place is available for me as soon as I can allow it fully to take root.
When I got home tonite, though in spite of my resolve to “think forward thinking thoughts,” I broke down again in deep mournful crying. Why did I allow myself to love so much? Why did I allow myself to love a man who wasn’t capable of loving me fully? Why did I choose a man who doesn’t even know who he is, who’s sexuality is so confused by the trauma of his childhood, who won’t get help, refuses to get help to heal and mature, who chooses to stay stuck in depression?
The aching in my core, the sickness in my stomach, the total grief of it took me over again tonite and I let it tear at me like a wild raging animal. And then I grabbed my drum, my ally, my friend, my confidant who hears all, and I sang thru my tears. I sang with the wounded voice of barely breathing grief, I screamed, I cursed him, I cursed myself, I prayed to God to give me some rest from this pain, to teach me to let go, to not plague my mind anymore by any thoughts of him, or wondering what he’s doing, why he won’t talk to me, who he’s sleeping with already, what friends of mine he will try to seduce. I played and sang and before I slept I returned to my mantra, “Forward thinking thoughts.”
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Journey Back to Self 9-11
Days 9-11, Wed-Fri April 14-16
A three day escape was a welcomed distraction and nourishing blissful time for me. The trip was filled with sweetness, and therapeutic moments of stillness. I was gifted with many messages from angels that just seemed to see through me and spoke to me directly as if they knew my whole life, all about the break up, and all about what could be coming for me. One of the messages that seems to be coming through often was that this love could one day return, and honestly I can’t really bear to consider that one. While some part of me wants to remain open to that possibility, another part of me needs total closure and can not even consider having false hopes that may once again be disappointing.
I spent much time just feeling into myself, my edges, my stillness. My mantra that seems to be keeping me going is “Think Forward thinking thoughts.” When my mind wanders to him or to what he may be doing, I try to catch it and repeat that mantra until I can move back atleast into the present. In the morning when I wake, at night before bed, hearing Sinead O’Connor’s, “Nothing Compares to you,” at the restaurant feeling stalked by every man there.
I have to wonder in moments if there is a sign on my forehead now that says, “Suddenly Single” or some different phermone that I put off as a single woman because I can barely remember having so much attention from men as I have had since he has gone. I have had men literally chasing me down the street of La Fortuna here, inviting me for drinks, wanting to engage in deep meaningful conversation, proclaiming my beauty. Is it really so hard for men to consider that a single woman may be enjoying her solitude and her self because it seems there is this presumption that if a woman is alone, she must be wanting or looking for a man. It is sweet and flattering in moments of course, especially to have men who are barely in their 20’s checking me out and flirting with me and having no real idea that I’m almost old enough to be their mother.
One young man the first night here finally got me to stop and chat, and I quickly saw that he was one of those message carriers. I could feel the sincerity in his heart felt sharing on how much he wanted a good relationship and a spiritual woman and that he could feel that I had a different connection than most of the women he met there. He saw the value of partnership and was living his life in the hopes of finding that special woman who he could dedicate his life to loving because for him that was the essence of life, to share. He seemed to see right into the man who I’ve left, and it was almost like he was channeling, “He’s young and confused right now and maybe he will go for some time from woman to woman, but one day, maybe in a month or maybe in a year, he will realize what he has lost because you are a special woman, and he will feel sad. There are not many women like you and he will see that one day.” And I’m standing there almost crying thinking, “Who is this angel speaking thru this Tico man I’ve never met, and how can he see so clearly when he knows nothing of me?” But angels emerge as I am discovering daily.
I met a beautiful young man in the springs and shared a lovely evening with him, dancing, talking, sharing and even a little tender loving. It was refreshingly fun, light and free and was a gift to share love in that kind of free, open, transparent way. Being in his arms was actually quite comforting and brought me to feeling very beautiful, appreciated and even protected. It also offered me a little reflection on some of the places that another man would naturally step in in ways that my ex never did. A man at the disco tried to grab me, and my young jedi for the night instantly responded with protectiveness and assertiveness; it was a good reminder that I can have that in a man. My ex would never have done anything even if a guy was all over me, he was such a coward really in so many ways, so afraid of any kind of confrontation, emotional or physical that he would leave me to fend for myself before raising an eyebrow, much less a show of assertiveness or protectiveness.
Dancing was such good medicine for me beyond all of the soaking. My body just loves to move, and the sweat pouring over me is so cleansing here. I found my heart so expanded at the disco, just really loving everyone there and feeling so at home in that space. Music and dance connect people so fast, in their pain, in their grief and simultaneously in their joy. Literally, the moment my hips start to move, I’m in love again, pure and free. To be sharing that space and love with so many others is so fun and refreshing. It is my medicine for remembering life’s passion for sure, and I am so grateful that I got to go out for a night here with fun people I’d never met and just enjoy new friends in the groove, no stories, no drama, just joy shared in music.
So many profoundly beautiful messages in these few days, and yet nothing seems to take away the truth of truths for me: life without my best friend and without true deep meaningful love shared between two people is not bad or horrible, but it is more empty. If it were up to me totally, and I could create the world the way I want it to be, I’d create it with him being grateful and excited to share life together, I'd create it so we could find balance in being together and being strong in ourselves. I’d choose to walk this whole life with him and move thru any challenges that emerge to maintain the love. I loved sharing my life with him, even with it's challenges, it was always worth it for me.
Accepting, adjusting and re-claiming are necessary and valid, but there is no replacement and no way to fill the hole that's been left in my heart. God and spirit are there to fill some parts of it, but even that just can not replace the sweetness that a man and woman share who truly love and cherish each other fully. Nothing compares to that. Anyone who says "just find someone else," has never truly loved to their core. Finding someone else doesn't replace what is lost and gone. It only distracts the pain for a while. I will sit in it and wait, and find myself along the way. There is no hurry to fill up the hole. It has much to teach me.
A three day escape was a welcomed distraction and nourishing blissful time for me. The trip was filled with sweetness, and therapeutic moments of stillness. I was gifted with many messages from angels that just seemed to see through me and spoke to me directly as if they knew my whole life, all about the break up, and all about what could be coming for me. One of the messages that seems to be coming through often was that this love could one day return, and honestly I can’t really bear to consider that one. While some part of me wants to remain open to that possibility, another part of me needs total closure and can not even consider having false hopes that may once again be disappointing.
I spent much time just feeling into myself, my edges, my stillness. My mantra that seems to be keeping me going is “Think Forward thinking thoughts.” When my mind wanders to him or to what he may be doing, I try to catch it and repeat that mantra until I can move back atleast into the present. In the morning when I wake, at night before bed, hearing Sinead O’Connor’s, “Nothing Compares to you,” at the restaurant feeling stalked by every man there.
I have to wonder in moments if there is a sign on my forehead now that says, “Suddenly Single” or some different phermone that I put off as a single woman because I can barely remember having so much attention from men as I have had since he has gone. I have had men literally chasing me down the street of La Fortuna here, inviting me for drinks, wanting to engage in deep meaningful conversation, proclaiming my beauty. Is it really so hard for men to consider that a single woman may be enjoying her solitude and her self because it seems there is this presumption that if a woman is alone, she must be wanting or looking for a man. It is sweet and flattering in moments of course, especially to have men who are barely in their 20’s checking me out and flirting with me and having no real idea that I’m almost old enough to be their mother.
One young man the first night here finally got me to stop and chat, and I quickly saw that he was one of those message carriers. I could feel the sincerity in his heart felt sharing on how much he wanted a good relationship and a spiritual woman and that he could feel that I had a different connection than most of the women he met there. He saw the value of partnership and was living his life in the hopes of finding that special woman who he could dedicate his life to loving because for him that was the essence of life, to share. He seemed to see right into the man who I’ve left, and it was almost like he was channeling, “He’s young and confused right now and maybe he will go for some time from woman to woman, but one day, maybe in a month or maybe in a year, he will realize what he has lost because you are a special woman, and he will feel sad. There are not many women like you and he will see that one day.” And I’m standing there almost crying thinking, “Who is this angel speaking thru this Tico man I’ve never met, and how can he see so clearly when he knows nothing of me?” But angels emerge as I am discovering daily.
I met a beautiful young man in the springs and shared a lovely evening with him, dancing, talking, sharing and even a little tender loving. It was refreshingly fun, light and free and was a gift to share love in that kind of free, open, transparent way. Being in his arms was actually quite comforting and brought me to feeling very beautiful, appreciated and even protected. It also offered me a little reflection on some of the places that another man would naturally step in in ways that my ex never did. A man at the disco tried to grab me, and my young jedi for the night instantly responded with protectiveness and assertiveness; it was a good reminder that I can have that in a man. My ex would never have done anything even if a guy was all over me, he was such a coward really in so many ways, so afraid of any kind of confrontation, emotional or physical that he would leave me to fend for myself before raising an eyebrow, much less a show of assertiveness or protectiveness.
Dancing was such good medicine for me beyond all of the soaking. My body just loves to move, and the sweat pouring over me is so cleansing here. I found my heart so expanded at the disco, just really loving everyone there and feeling so at home in that space. Music and dance connect people so fast, in their pain, in their grief and simultaneously in their joy. Literally, the moment my hips start to move, I’m in love again, pure and free. To be sharing that space and love with so many others is so fun and refreshing. It is my medicine for remembering life’s passion for sure, and I am so grateful that I got to go out for a night here with fun people I’d never met and just enjoy new friends in the groove, no stories, no drama, just joy shared in music.
So many profoundly beautiful messages in these few days, and yet nothing seems to take away the truth of truths for me: life without my best friend and without true deep meaningful love shared between two people is not bad or horrible, but it is more empty. If it were up to me totally, and I could create the world the way I want it to be, I’d create it with him being grateful and excited to share life together, I'd create it so we could find balance in being together and being strong in ourselves. I’d choose to walk this whole life with him and move thru any challenges that emerge to maintain the love. I loved sharing my life with him, even with it's challenges, it was always worth it for me.
Accepting, adjusting and re-claiming are necessary and valid, but there is no replacement and no way to fill the hole that's been left in my heart. God and spirit are there to fill some parts of it, but even that just can not replace the sweetness that a man and woman share who truly love and cherish each other fully. Nothing compares to that. Anyone who says "just find someone else," has never truly loved to their core. Finding someone else doesn't replace what is lost and gone. It only distracts the pain for a while. I will sit in it and wait, and find myself along the way. There is no hurry to fill up the hole. It has much to teach me.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Journey Back to Self: 8
Day 8: Monday, April 12, 2010
Monday Monday… Even here in the Pura Vida lifestyle, somehow Monday is a motivated day for me. It’s the day I want to get it all done, or at least started well, so that the rest of my week flows more effortlessly. I am finding less and less time being spent on thoughts of him, and more and more energy moving forward and this I give thanks for!
He did call today, and it was nice to chat and catch up. He is sincere in wanting to maintain our friendship, and I wish it was easier for me to be casual with him than it is. After knowing someone and being with them the way we were, to just be so casual feels strange to me, and I have much to learn still about being comfortable in this new relationship paradigm we seem to be exploring.
I am feeling stronger, more open and more like myself again though and I just hope that when I do see him again, I can maintain myself with strength and dignity that befits the Queen I am cultivating!
Monday Monday… tomorrow I am going to soak in the hot springs near Arenal for a few days, leaving my computer behind and allowing my brain a little time to turn off from the world. Much needed and much welcomed.
Monday Monday… Even here in the Pura Vida lifestyle, somehow Monday is a motivated day for me. It’s the day I want to get it all done, or at least started well, so that the rest of my week flows more effortlessly. I am finding less and less time being spent on thoughts of him, and more and more energy moving forward and this I give thanks for!
He did call today, and it was nice to chat and catch up. He is sincere in wanting to maintain our friendship, and I wish it was easier for me to be casual with him than it is. After knowing someone and being with them the way we were, to just be so casual feels strange to me, and I have much to learn still about being comfortable in this new relationship paradigm we seem to be exploring.
I am feeling stronger, more open and more like myself again though and I just hope that when I do see him again, I can maintain myself with strength and dignity that befits the Queen I am cultivating!
Monday Monday… tomorrow I am going to soak in the hot springs near Arenal for a few days, leaving my computer behind and allowing my brain a little time to turn off from the world. Much needed and much welcomed.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
10-Reopening the Portal to Love
Day 7: Sunday, April 11, 2010
Feeling the impermanence of life this morning calling to me to live more fully, more passionately, more in a full time state of celebration. I wonder if it is the dreams I have just before waking, or just a cycle that recurs, but I wake sometimes with myriads of memories and thoughts of people I love who I want to be with, share with, play with, and love more. I wake feeling a deep intense longing that penetrates this existence to the core and leaves me feeling both a gratitude and a hopelessness. Gratitude for an amazing life, hopelessness in the knowing that this too shall pass. It feels empty, and unconditionally devastating in these moments of realizing that all of it will too soon be memories that will pass into nothingness.
I think of my family: my parents and all that they gave to me, shared with me, and how alone and sad they are now. I think of how I wish I could go and take away all their sorrow and give them just a little bit of the joy I feel most of the time. My heart hurts for my brother who also may never know how life can be filled with mystery and the unfolding of dreams rather than a tedious, Murphy’s Law existence where things are bound to go wrong and bring troubles.
Memories of my nephew as a newborn, his little Buddha head covered in thick black hair and the pure love that shone from his eyes, enrapturing me in bliss and joy, and how different those eyes are now, in the same boy, 17 years later, already tired, exhausted and worn down a bit from life. All the amazing people who have graced my life, teaching, sharing, and walking with me for some part of this journey seem to all come at once, and in these pre-dawn moments I wonder for a moment if this is what it’s like in the moments before death. A flood of memories, moments of gratitude and despair, fullness and emptiness all at once laced with hopeless surrender to the impermanence of this life as we know it in physical form, ultimately waking me with the feeling that I should be celebrating and being with those I love.
I went right to the drum this morning and started my day off playing and singing, remembering the many beautiful mornings shared with others after a long nite of drumming the sun up. It all was feeling suddenly like the best thing I could possibly be doing was what I am planning for this summer of re-birthing myself: traveling, sharing my work, building community thru music making, and finding as many opportunities as possible to celebrate, learn and grow thru the Muses, drum, dance and be alive again. The years I spent doing the festival circuits and playing music all night were by far some of the juiciest, most magical, most alive times of my life. They were what brought he and I together. It was in that space that I met and connected with this man who has taught me so much about love in these past 7.5 years. The years before I met him were what formed me as a priestess, and empowered woman.
Nothing else feeds me the same way as the all night magic of sharing fire, music and magic with hundreds of other people who also are ready to celebrate and be embodied beneath the starry sky.
Thus started my day today, and I spent much time in silent reflection before getting into some work.
Late in the afternoon I took a long walk on the Whale’s Tail, and started to hear the voice of the Divine Warrior Queen in me speaking to me, counseling me, reminding me. A voice I know well and have not allowed for too long to come forth. She reminded me to focus on the way I walk, the way I talk, the way I carry myself in this world so that I may attract what is truly worthy of my time, energy and attention and nothing less.
She reminded me to slow down, move with grace and elegance and to feel the sensuality that is woman. She reminded me to be alluring, to know my strength and fire, but to keep it well tucked beneath an exterior that is enamoring, magical and mystical as the feminine is, using my strength and fire only when it is necessary for survival, defense or reflection. She called for me to step into her fully, to become the queen that I am, to re-create myself in her image: beautiful, sensual, divine, erotic. She reminded me that I can have any man I wish, and that it is important for me to allow a man to see the places I need him to be in his power, so that I may rest in mine with grace. She walked with me while the rain came down and hasn’t left my side since.
This evening, a male friend here in town called and invited me to a pool party. I went, and I was feeling like a new woman. Soft, sensual, divine, and enamored fully with myself to be quite honest. The effect it had on the men there was almost comical, and I thoroughly enjoyed feeling that old familiar feeling I haven’t felt in some time of being irresistible and enchanting. Loving not just the men there, but the women too, with my eyes and with my heart. Feeling everyone there just receiving my love and loving me back. One sister shared with me, “I just feel this peace in your presence, you make me feel so good, I love being with you.” And one sweet gentle man was so taken by me that I almost felt guilty and concerned for him, “You’re the most beautiful woman in Costa Rica and you deserve someone who will always remind you that you’re the most beautiful woman ever.” I came home feeling so delighted, and so touched; so loved and cherished.
And all really because I am loving myself again. Stepping back into my Divine Warrior Queen and saying yes to celebrating life and sharing with others the love that I have kept only for one man for too long.
Feeling the impermanence of life this morning calling to me to live more fully, more passionately, more in a full time state of celebration. I wonder if it is the dreams I have just before waking, or just a cycle that recurs, but I wake sometimes with myriads of memories and thoughts of people I love who I want to be with, share with, play with, and love more. I wake feeling a deep intense longing that penetrates this existence to the core and leaves me feeling both a gratitude and a hopelessness. Gratitude for an amazing life, hopelessness in the knowing that this too shall pass. It feels empty, and unconditionally devastating in these moments of realizing that all of it will too soon be memories that will pass into nothingness.
I think of my family: my parents and all that they gave to me, shared with me, and how alone and sad they are now. I think of how I wish I could go and take away all their sorrow and give them just a little bit of the joy I feel most of the time. My heart hurts for my brother who also may never know how life can be filled with mystery and the unfolding of dreams rather than a tedious, Murphy’s Law existence where things are bound to go wrong and bring troubles.
Memories of my nephew as a newborn, his little Buddha head covered in thick black hair and the pure love that shone from his eyes, enrapturing me in bliss and joy, and how different those eyes are now, in the same boy, 17 years later, already tired, exhausted and worn down a bit from life. All the amazing people who have graced my life, teaching, sharing, and walking with me for some part of this journey seem to all come at once, and in these pre-dawn moments I wonder for a moment if this is what it’s like in the moments before death. A flood of memories, moments of gratitude and despair, fullness and emptiness all at once laced with hopeless surrender to the impermanence of this life as we know it in physical form, ultimately waking me with the feeling that I should be celebrating and being with those I love.
I went right to the drum this morning and started my day off playing and singing, remembering the many beautiful mornings shared with others after a long nite of drumming the sun up. It all was feeling suddenly like the best thing I could possibly be doing was what I am planning for this summer of re-birthing myself: traveling, sharing my work, building community thru music making, and finding as many opportunities as possible to celebrate, learn and grow thru the Muses, drum, dance and be alive again. The years I spent doing the festival circuits and playing music all night were by far some of the juiciest, most magical, most alive times of my life. They were what brought he and I together. It was in that space that I met and connected with this man who has taught me so much about love in these past 7.5 years. The years before I met him were what formed me as a priestess, and empowered woman.
Nothing else feeds me the same way as the all night magic of sharing fire, music and magic with hundreds of other people who also are ready to celebrate and be embodied beneath the starry sky.
Thus started my day today, and I spent much time in silent reflection before getting into some work.
Late in the afternoon I took a long walk on the Whale’s Tail, and started to hear the voice of the Divine Warrior Queen in me speaking to me, counseling me, reminding me. A voice I know well and have not allowed for too long to come forth. She reminded me to focus on the way I walk, the way I talk, the way I carry myself in this world so that I may attract what is truly worthy of my time, energy and attention and nothing less.
She reminded me to slow down, move with grace and elegance and to feel the sensuality that is woman. She reminded me to be alluring, to know my strength and fire, but to keep it well tucked beneath an exterior that is enamoring, magical and mystical as the feminine is, using my strength and fire only when it is necessary for survival, defense or reflection. She called for me to step into her fully, to become the queen that I am, to re-create myself in her image: beautiful, sensual, divine, erotic. She reminded me that I can have any man I wish, and that it is important for me to allow a man to see the places I need him to be in his power, so that I may rest in mine with grace. She walked with me while the rain came down and hasn’t left my side since.
This evening, a male friend here in town called and invited me to a pool party. I went, and I was feeling like a new woman. Soft, sensual, divine, and enamored fully with myself to be quite honest. The effect it had on the men there was almost comical, and I thoroughly enjoyed feeling that old familiar feeling I haven’t felt in some time of being irresistible and enchanting. Loving not just the men there, but the women too, with my eyes and with my heart. Feeling everyone there just receiving my love and loving me back. One sister shared with me, “I just feel this peace in your presence, you make me feel so good, I love being with you.” And one sweet gentle man was so taken by me that I almost felt guilty and concerned for him, “You’re the most beautiful woman in Costa Rica and you deserve someone who will always remind you that you’re the most beautiful woman ever.” I came home feeling so delighted, and so touched; so loved and cherished.
And all really because I am loving myself again. Stepping back into my Divine Warrior Queen and saying yes to celebrating life and sharing with others the love that I have kept only for one man for too long.
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