No Logic to Love

It’s as if God is telling me there’s no use here to struggle or try to decide what I can do with my tender heart. God is saying, “surrender to this love more deeply than you ever have and await it’s return,” and I’m asking God, “What? Are you crazy? How can I possibly consider waiting or hanging around for more heartbreak?” And then I ask myself, how can I argue with God.

There is no logic to love, no rational figuring with the strange and mysterious ways of true love. There is no time, no space, no comprehending it’s grip on the heart and soul. Beyond all the human drama and crap that I endured with this man, beyond all of that, there is this inexplicable deep love that try as I might, I can’t shake, I can’t let go of, I can’t forget. Every other man I spend time with only affirms my love for him, every other man I spend time with is like a bumbling dork, clumsy and so unrefined, and not knowing how to touch me, how to embrace me, how to bring my heart to stillness.

Then there's this little voice and God is telling me, “Wait, be patient and forget other men right now, find yourself, listen to me and allow this love to deepen.” Of course, some part of me knows there is no other choice. The love that we have for each other is not of this world, and won’t perish in this world, it won't perish even when we do. Many times over these 7.5 years I heard God’s voice, “He is your betrothed in this world and the worlds beyond,” and “You belong to him and him alone and there is no reason to be jealous or lose faith, you will be together thru the end of time.” And in my heart of hearts, beyond everything, I know this to be true. Oh how my personality and ego struggle with it sometimes though.

So what the hell am I supposed to do with it? All day today, being with this new man, I’ve been just disappointed and kind of uninterested. He's a nice guy and all, but just no comparison in any way and no spark, no chemistry, no magic. A few nites ago, laying next to my beloved before this trip, the energy I felt rushing thru my body was like fire. I couldn’t sleep, and I could tell by his breathing that he didn’t sleep either. The electricity between us, the magnetism we share is like fiery magic breathing thru our very pores.

And in a moment tonite of such deep reflection and inner stillness, this voice comes thru saying, “There is no other, just be with yourself and love him more, love him deeper, love him with all the devotion that you have for him.” I’m thinking maybe God took a little too much lithium water tonite too because this just sounds like a recipe for heartbreak and is scaring the crap out of my ego.

And yet, it feels like the truth of my heart speaking, because he is the love of my life, my ex. He is the only one who has ever touched me in the ways he has, inside, outside, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and when I get really really honest with myself, regardless of all the shit that has happened, he is the only one I want to be with and I see him growing into everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. I see him as God, I see him having the potential and the wanting to actualize that potential that would be the perfect compliment to me on every level. Maybe I’m just crazy. I don’t know, all I know is he is in my every waking thought still, and when I take walks into nature, I feel him with me, loving nature thru me, I feel him waking with me and sleeping with me, and I can not deny that if there was anything I could do to bring him back to me, I would do it.

And then there’s God’s voice, telling me there’s no use in being with other men, it’s a waste of my precious time and energy and just love the one I love like no other and find God in that love. How can I argue with God?

Returning Home: The Inevitable Challenge

Coming back from my travels, I tried to avoid him. I was afraid to go out for fear of running into him, as I had gone a whole 12 days with no contact which was the longest yet for me and I didn’t want to blow the momentum. I was feeling stronger, I was feeling righteous in my anger, and sickened to my core by his lies and betrayals.

And of course, the first night I went out, I ran into him, his eyes sad and begging for my attention. He had called me 15 times in the past 24 hours, and I had refused every call, but there he was sitting in front of me, more beautiful than ever in his pain, sincerely loving me and caring more than I had ever imagined he could. How could I not give him a chance to speak? He apologized through teary eyes, said he could understand if I didn’t want to be friends with him, that he deserved that, he said he missed me.

My wanting to harden heart softened, and he had worked his way back in again. We saw each other almost every day last week, and spent one night together and now I am trying to find a way to work with him on his terms to maintain some connection. I am trying to accept that our love is too great to just ignore and shut off, and also that he is really needing time alone, and maybe with other women.

I’m dating, anyone and everyone I can to take my mind off of him, fill a little time and space, get a little affection. I’m trying as hard as I can to want another man, to be attracted and turned on by another body, another pair of lips, another mind. Yet my heart can not deny the truth, nothing compares to him, nothing comes even close. He is classy, elegant and refined in ways that most men aren’t. He is tender, soft and sensitive where most men are crass and rude. He is the lover of all lovers for me, knowing just how to touch my body, just where to kiss me, just how to hold me to open me fully into bliss and orgasmic waves of joy. How can any other man even come close?

Am I doomed to just waiting for him to return? My life will be intertwined with him for at least this next year. Eventually he will start dating and I’ll have to deal with those emotions. Eventually I’ll have to be the one to walk up to his date, as he did to mine the other nite, and introduce myself, try to not rip her face off and spit jealousy at her. I dread the moment, but if I can find grace in it, as he does, maybe it can show him the depth of my love more than anything. I have always respected that part of him that doesn’t get jealous but that warmly loves the men who I’ve been attracted to. He is so gracious in that way, and I have much to learn there from him. I just pray that when he dates, he finds what I am finding, that there is no substitute for love built over time, there is no substitute for depth and true caring, there is no replacement for years of shared life and understanding. I pray I can give him the space, and that he will soon realize how rare it is for two people to share what we shared in devotion, love and depth.

And I must also release all expectation of that.

Grief to Gratitude: Seeing the Why

Just home from a beautiful kayak journey with my father. Somewhere along the way I had a revelation of gratitude and God spoke to me to remind me that everything that happened, the way it all went down, was for a reason. The reason was to show me the truth, to help me, not to hurt me and make me suffer, but to help me to move on faster seeing what is real and what is my own illusion of what I want him to be.

It’s ironic, but laughable now suddenly. For weeks I have been heartbroken that he could in less than 2 weeks not just have a nite of sex with someone he just met, but start a relationship and be talking to her all the time as if she were his new best friend, replacing me. My ego has been bruised, and tortured by this for weeks and I feel like the clarity that came through tonite has me almost laughing at the obviousness of it all.

How much more clear could it be? Spirit showed me all of this for a good reason, that reason is to LET GO and move back to love: his betrayal to himself first, then his lies to both she and I, and his lack of concern for my well being and health, all of this was really just to give me the reminder of why I had chosen to leave and to affirm my decision was the right one.

I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to get this. I’ve been so caught in the pain and the grief, I couldn’t see straight. I was in love with a lie. I have been taking it all on, blaming myself for everything. Telling myself, “I pushed him into this way of being, if I were softer and more chilled, he would feel safe telling the truth.” But he lied to this new woman first thing, so it’s not about me anymore. Telling myself, “maybe I can fix things up if I can just let him have space he’ll want to come back to me, and if I can just relax and not be so hurt or upset with him, and just forgive him, maybe things could work out and we can be happy again.” How could I really not see this sooner?

Now this doesn’t take anything away from the mistakes I made. I certainly played my part in contributing and I’m not going to just be one of those people who blames him for everything. I agreed to be lied to, I agreed to eventually harbor resentments about it, I agreed to and contributed to much that wasn’t good for either of us, and I am fully aware that I have some of my own serious stuff to work on and deal with. It does however, give me some perspective shifting clarity and I think tomorrow will be a different and new day with a new lens with which to look thru the world with.

Threshold

May 24, 2010

I am reading a great book right now and sucking up literally every bit of information, advice and support I can find on how to find my way through the obsessive thoughts and sickening feelings that seem to continue to plague most of my days and almost all of my alone time. Who have I become? Wow! I had no idea this could happen to me. Truly, it’s astonishing to feel what I do, knowing what I know and seeing who I’ve been. It continues to be a humbling experience for sure.

I know I am at a very critical threshold in my mind and my heart where I have to let go to preserve my self. It has been almost two months since we “officially” split, and almost a month since I have seen him. The ups and downs have just been ridiculously unpredictable. For sure when I am focused on my work, playing with others, and presenting I am feeling like myself: strong, confident and beautiful. There I can share, feel totally grounded and unhindered by any thoughts or reminders of him. It is my one saving grace in this time and I am so grateful that I have the world of music and community building to sink myself into at least some of the time. My work is carrying me and I am more in love with that part of my life than I ever have been, and more devoted.

The problem is there is a lot of down time in my work, time where I need to work alone, and I am still spending far too much of that time thinking, dwelling and brooding over the loss of my lover, and what he’s up to now, with whom, etc. The solid ground that we left things on has been shattered by the earthquake of his rebound and all that it has shown me and brought up in me. When I was in Costa Rica, before I knew about his rebound, I felt like I could do this with much more ease, I had faith that he truly did want to be working on himself and that I didn’t need to even deal with thoughts of other women entering the picture for some time. We had even made an agreement that we would give each other atleast a few months before getting involved with someone else, even casually, so that we could both heal and feel safe and honor the depth of our 7.5 years together in that way. It was all shattered and the ground beneath me feels anything but solid, more like an undulating tidal wave about to break and devastate everything in it’s wake.

However, this book I’m reading is helping me to draw on some deep wisdom and gain clarity. It’s on a topic I’ve never heard of before called, “Gaslighting.” My girlfriend gave it to me to check out and I’m finding so much wisdom, resonance and awakening in it that sometimes it’s too intense to read. Sometimes I see myself all too clearly and the roles and contributions I have played in not only damaging the relationship, but in being so blind to so many warning signs early on that could have saved me years of being with a man who often mostly only had his own interests at heart. And I’m not saying he didn’t love me or care for me, but when I look clearly at all the signs, all the truths that happened, without trying to explain them away or take responsibility for them myself, it is clear that he was far more invested in preventing even a moment of discomfort for himself than he was in being honest, transparent or truly caring for me and my needs for honesty and trust.

One of the things the book recommends is to keep a daily journal, and I am remembering how much writing this blog helped me in the early stages to have an outlet and a way to put the emotions into form. I am feeling called now to return to the writings on this process. Maybe someday, this can help someone else, maybe someday some other woman in my shoes will find some comfort and solace in my heart’s sharing.

I’m literally taking advice and gathering info everywhere. Everyone I speak to about it, and everything I read is telling me the same thing: No Contact for at least 30 days, and some say 60-90. I’m on day 5 of not talking to him, and the desire is so strong and impulsive it’s stupid. And I don’t even really have anything to say to him, but the pull is there, magnetically obsessively neurotically calling for me to pick up the phone.

This is proving to be just like any other addiction I guess. The withdrawl, the almost uncontrollable urges to call, text, or email are scaring me with their obsessive nature. People tell me that this is all normal, but I am not convinced, because I feel so sick, it can’t be normal. After doing some research I am pretty sure that I have a tendency towards being OCD on top of what may be normal. I see it in my parents being here in their home and it triggers lots of memories of what I was exposed to as a child by their stuff they didn't take the time to look into or heal.

Surely this can’t be normal! He doesn’t seem to be feeling this way or acting this way, he seems to be doing just fine and acts like he’s totally over it all. He could care less what I’m doing or who I’m doing for that matter. Perhaps it is because he has his rebound girl to call whenever he feels the urge to call me, so he can just in essence use her to replace me. Everything I read about rebounds says it won’t last long, and that the faster someone rebounds, the more they loved their ex and that it is their way of dealing with a grief that is too hard for them to manage any other way but by distracting themselves with a new intrest. Learning about it is the only place I have for comfort. To be honest, I feel for her. I can’t imagine being in those shoes and am so glad I’m not! Seriously, to get involved with any man fresh out of an almost 8 year relationship is just not the most intelligent thing to do no matter what the chemistry is. It’s a recipe for trouble and heartbreak and any wise grounded woman would see that from miles around and steer clear. I feel kind of sorry for her more than anything, she’s going to get slammed in this way more than she can know because he’s totally repeating the same old pattern with her that he’s trying to break out of for himself of being dependant on a woman to fill the void he needs himself to fill, lying to her and deceiving her too. Obviously she's got her lesson to learn here too and was probably lonely and looking to fill her own void. I know he doesn’t love her, he straight up told me he doesn’t and that it was just sex, that she “reminded” him of me. Now there’s a good one, and according to all the books and articles I’ve read on rebound, it’s classic. That’s what people do is they find someone that reminds them of their ex and then they repeat the same old drama trauma but usually with an accelerated pace which is why rebounds rarely last long. He admitted he doesn’t know what he feels, and how the heck could he after less than 2 weeks out of my arms and crying like a baby when he left.

I guess I really have been living in some serious delusions on who this man is/was. I really believed he wanted time alone to sort himself out, I really believed he meant it when he said, “If I wanted to be in a relationship, I’d be coming back to you, being with another woman would be the worst possible thing I could do to myself.” I believed him when he sang that song, “Let it be me..” to me in the kitchen that night thru teary eyes saying that I was the love of his life. I believed him when he told me that he would take care of me and be there for me always. I believed in him. I believed in this sweet, charming, fantasy guy who would always cherish me. What I apparently wasn't believing in, was my own ability to give myself those things fully, I allowed him to take that role and now am shattered that he's checking out.

The big black wise woman who lives in my higher self is standing there shaking her head with her hands on her hips. She’s looking at me and laying it out cold and hard for me, she’s saying, “Girl, what planet have you been living on! Come on back to earth girlfriend: a man's a man and he like your mama told you, "a leopard ain't gonna change it's spots for nobody." Now come on girl, why would you be sad or grieving for one moment longer that this man is finally out of your life and you can finally rest in the knowingness of how much more you deserve.”

That big mama is so right on and I know she's right.

So what am I feeling sad about exactly?

Step by Step

May 10, 2010

It’s been too difficult and too busy to sit and write lately, and with all of my own fumbling and falling into the abyss of fears, insecurities and insanity, I haven’t even wanted to. I’m ashamed of myself in ways I never knew possible for a “woman like me.” I’ve acted and behaved in ways I can’t even believe are true and seen my dark side for sure! I'm still standing, but barely and I've been dragged down by my own choices of holding on too much to something that's only hurting me. Much to consider, and I have a long way to go to be home fully in the light I know I will return to.

In between the last post and this one, I discovered many truths within myself and about this man I am weaning myself from that were shocking, disheartening and mind boggling at best. He was indeed disconnecting, and for good reason. Within 10 days of leaving me in Costa Rica, he had already started a new relationship. I guess this wouldn’t have been so shocking if I hadn’t heard over and over out of his mouth the words, “getting involved with another woman would be the worst possible thing I could ever do for myself,” and “I have no interest in being with another woman for a long time, I need to be with myself.” I felt so betrayed, deceived and bullshit overall that it triggered every negative emotion and hurtful cell in my body, from abandonment to betrayal to anger and jealousy to total insanity.

I stopped sleeping. Anxiety took me over. The first knee jerk reaction was to immediately find the hottest guy I could to have my own rendevouz with which was actually a sweet reprieve from it all and very comforting to help me through those first few shocking days. It also allowed me some compassion as I felt how fast I could feel deeply moved to my core being in such a vulnerable place of loss and lonlieness. I could relate to him seeking comfort out of the intense inner pain, and grief. I could at some level understand how my ex could easily have been led into the arms of another woman and even how he could convince himself that it was deep and meaningful because of his need to feel that it is to validate his actions. So my heart was compassionate and I gained a lot of clarity through sharing a few hot and steamy nights with a new young hottie, and for sure it granted me some distraction and release.

Arriving back in Boulder however, where he had insisted on picking me up from the airport, my ex and I were irresistibly drawn to each other and after he assured me he had used protection with her, I allowed him to make love to me again two times before I found out the truth of his bullshit and that he had indeed lied to me once again.

Somehow this lie totally threw me over the edge and helped me to get a little closure on it all and recognize how many lies I have dealt with in these 7 years, especially around women, sexuality and important issues of this nature. I felt totally used and undervalued and deceived. It felt like he was willing to risk my life for the avoidance of me saying no to him sexually and that felt really horrible.

Being who I am, I cranked into support needed mode and called on my sisters. I did two women’s circles with amazing strong women and sister friends of mine. The first circle was with my elder sisters, who are all in their late 50’s and 60’s that gave me more clarity, offered me some deep insight into how much I had been containing my self, blaming myself in defense of him, and utterly disrespecting my own needs in the relationship. They helped me to see where I was addicted to him, how I would blame myself before holding him accountable, my own misconceptions of what “good” means and the lack of community that the relationship had created by isolating me in lala love land. The elder women offered me wisdom, strength and a very no bull shit perspective to what I was hooked on with him, and what I needed to let go of to move on fully. The sister circle the next night was a blast into my potential and my new life, a supportive, nurturing, prayerful time of reflection and gentle compassionate support for me to move forward in with a knowingness that my potential is far beyond what I have known in the past. All of it was about letting go, surrendering, accepting, moving forth and being in my power around it all.

Still somehow though, my heart has been hurting and sad. He looked like hell when I saw him the last few times, and he finally seemed to be hitting the reality of what he has now permanently damaged between us.

Now I am back home, with family and feeling like I’m starting to unravel even more. What am I doing?
Where am I going?
What is it that is going to bring me to more fulfillment?
Why do I still feel a hole in my heart when I think of losing him and when is that going to finally go away?

Suddenly everything feels insane,like the very core of my being is lost in the cosmos and I am swirling uncontrollably on emotional waves of anger, grief, sadness, sorrow, hatred, love, insanity.

I am exhausted, tired on an inner level in a different way than I’ve ever known. I look at my future and I’m not sure what I see, but most of it looks more sad than exciting and I feel, more than anything abandoned by the man I thought loved me and totally despairing of any hope that a man can really stand by his woman through life in the way that I dream of.

I look at the posts I wrote a few weeks ago and I wonder if that was the same woman, I feel like her total polar opposite. For all lite I had shared, I feel darkness consuming me and like the end is here and I am truly dying a slow painful death.

Journey Back to Self: 14

My new mantra: Let go and Flow.

Writing a new story is great, and I spent hours on the beach yesterday meditating and walking into new possible stories. I wrote a whole new one to change my perspective on all of this, taking all the responsibility away from him and empowering myself with action. He’s just emotionally incapable, just a confused man who doesn’t know how to do the right thing, doesn’t even know what the right thing is. He’s doing the best that he can, he’s emotionally immature, he’s just taking care of himself. That was helpful, and I’m really trying to believe those new stories, I’m praying to God that I can start to accept those. Yet in my somewhat sometimes sickened little angry head, I hear this voice saying, “Bullshit, he’s not doing the best that he can, he knows fully well how much this kind of avoidance and disconnect will hurt you, he’s doing it to sabotage what’s good that was left and to punish you and himself more than what is necessary.” So I took another walk this morning, fell to my knees on the muddy gravel road with the leaf cutter ants, and I cried to God to please have mercy on me and show me a way to find peace with this and to not be angry, not be a victim, not be hurt, not feel the rage I am feeling.

And so also I can find some gratitude that I no longer need to be dealing with this emotional unavailability in him any more. I can move into realizing how much I stopped my own growth by trying to constantly accept and be OK with this kind of behavior. I can be grateful that my relationships with others will no longer be jeopardized as they have been by the way he treats people.

Over the years, I had several people tell me they trusted me less because I was with him because they knew he wasn’t reliable, honest or totally transparent. How much damage did I do to myself there? And I was so blind, so hopeful that he would choose to step up to meet me that I continually lowered my standards and accepted his ways even when they hurt me, damaged my self esteem and activated the most intense emotions within me. What was I thinking to be with this man anyway? What was I thinking? A man who wouldn’t help his woman change a lightbulb in his own kitchen just to be defiant? What have I been doing for 7 years trying to talk myself into believing in his potential rather than seeing what others seemed to be seeing clearly?

Today's Mantra: Let go and flow.

Journey Back to Self 12

Day 12, Friday, April

After two days of soaking all day, I was a little mushy inside and out, and starting to feel a bit sad and concerned that maybe he could feel that I had allowed another man into my arms, and I wanted nothing more than to just hear his voice. It was a big mistake to call, and his coldness shocked me and left me distraught and emotionally devastated. I should have let him call me and not bothered, he just can’t really be emotionally available at all and ends up making me feel so uncared for in his distance, and so unappreciated. I need to write a new story, but he just keeps affirming the old one to me. My heart feels ripped back to shreds and I wonder why I continue to expect him to be available emotionally when he never really has been.

I have this deep need for resolution, and the way we got disconnected last night in the conversation when my battery died did not allow for the fullness of the exchange. His attitude was so cold I was shocked into anger and it was just at that moment that my battery died. I tried to call back but he wouldn’t answer and that just added to my feelings of disrespect and frustration. For me, just even trying to resolve it, talking it out can bring the peace of mind and at least some sense of understanding and mutual respect. It doesn’t mean we have to agree, but if each person gets to speak and share and be heard, then there is caring there, there is potential for learning and mutual respect. He can’t do it though.

He knows how much it affects me when he shuts down and won’t communicate, and I felt to my core than he was doing it intentionally to hurt me more and to be cruel. He knew I would want to complete the conversation and resolve the energy, and he just completely disengaged and did his typical abandon ship routine. He knows I won’t be able to sleep, I can’t sleep with unresolved issues between us, and he knows that damn well. Fucking coward… I hate to say it, but it is what it is and that man is a coward if I’ve ever known one. He can’t deal, so he just hides, runs away, shuts down and it is so sickening to me that he chooses that knowing full well how it affects me. It just shows me what I don’t want to see, he only considers protecting himself at the cost of hurting others. I’ve watched it for 7 years over and over with numerous people, so now I get to experience it full force and it sucks.