Reflection on a Year of Change

For some reason, February is always my real new year. It's always the time when things start to really feel fresh and alive again within me. January is more of a stewing time, ideas and intuitions are churning but usually January is a time of such maintenance level work that the newness doesn't really get birthed until February. I am finding myself again in Costa Rica this year reflecting now on what has proven to be one of the most challenging years of my adult life.

It was February when I made my statement of exiting my relationship, and now, a year later, I am finally feeling inspiration return, and in new ways that I am happy to allow space for and cultivate. It has been a year of deep introspection and a lot of turmoil and chaos. Some of the most intense pain I've ever experienced inwardly has softened me, not hardened me, and for that I am so grateful. I feel like I can speak and be in a place of wisdom and truth when I share with others what heartbreak and mental turmoil are like because I really allowed myself to sit in and with it all.

Now, a year later, I feel more ready to move forward resting in the knowingness that I did not run away or hide from any of it. I moved with authenticity and respected my heart even when I knew doing so would open me to being hurt more. I challenged myself to keep opening my heart and showing up in the truth of what I felt, not to run away, not to shut down, not to cut and sever, but to integrate the experience of grief, loss, heartbreak, betrayal, deception, disappointment and all the myriads of emotions that came with it all from insecurity to depression. Now, I am at peace with him, with his choices that hurt me, and with myself for giving myself permission to be real with myself every step of the way, even when it wasn't pretty or "cool."


Last year, thru the recurrent dreams I was having of wild cats and domesticated wild cats, I birthed a vision of working with women to help other women reclaim their own power and primal essence. The dreams were so powerfully clear that my soul was calling for a break from domesticity, and a way back to the true untamable essence that is my nature. In one dream, I birthed a litter of cats that were sort of alien felines, and went to pick one up and it clawed at me and attacked me. I had to kill it, then run and lock the door to escape the others as they all turned wild on me, the one who had birthed them. In another dream, the land I was working on allowed poachers to come and kill a big beautiful tiger for money to survive, a representation of selling my soul and passion for "security and money." In another a panther was on a leash like a dog, beaten and subdued, looking pathetically disempowered. It was dream after dream like this, screaming at me to look deeply at what I was trading for the illusion of security and comfort.

Out of this, awareness came to me that I had much work to do to reconnect myself to myself and to the Wild Feminine Essence that the Feline energy was so clearly representing for me in the dreamtime. Being who I am, I love to share the journey and learn with and from others, and so the vision that began to germinate was to bring forth opportunities for other women to take the journey with me and see what we find and how we can support and nurture each other thru this experience. Being in nature was so powerful for me every day to reflect and watch and listen to what the ultimate "wild woman," Mother Nature, had to share with me. Reconnecting deeply to nature, her cycles and vibrations was one of the most healing elements of my journey, and remains so.

That desire, to share and support other women on their journey back to self, is why I started writing this journal, as I know that someday, some woman may read this and find solace and support. If my journey home can help one other woman to find herself home within herself, I have done a great service and can leave the planet knowing I made some kind of difference.

I have been working more and more with women's groups in this past year and seeing the fruit of that seed come into existence is a great source of joy and inspiration for me. Just before I left Costa Rica I sat with a good friend and ally in the creative arts world and shared with her my dreams and the vision. We put together a concept for a retreat to bring women together here in Costa Rica to tap into that essence of awakening our authentic, natural essence.

As I sit here now, with the waves crashing on the shore and the cicadas chirping it up, I am reflecting on all the pieces that have fallen into place perfectly to bring me here now to this place of feeling re-inspired and reconnected in a new way to my purpose and passions. It was just a few days ago that I completed, with two other awesome facilitators, and 10 participants, a 5 day long retreat entitled, "Awaken the Wild Woman Within." The retreat was wildly successful overall and in it's afterbliss, I am having some much needed down time to reflect on my year and my own passage back to self.

Truly it has been an epic year and when I look at the goodness of what all the pain has brought forth in maturity, wisdom and depth, it's hard to be anything but grateful for the journey. Yes, I lost a lover, and a companion, and for sure compromised some of my own self respect along the way LOL. My best friend is no longer a daily part of my life and I can't say there are too many days when I don't miss him at least for a few moments still. I still wake most days and think of him, and send him love before I go to bed. Who knows how long that will all take to subside fully. We are still very good friends, but I am finally acknowledging that it is over and finding peace and acceptance with it all. With all the pain, with all the suffering, with all the self inflicted replays of the traumas, with all the sweetness we've shared too over this year of continuing to show up to love each other thru the stories.

It's taken me almost a year to really get here but here I am! I love him, and will always love him, and no doubt, he loves me more than he can even deal with. That chapter however, is clearly done and I can never go back to that way of being with him or myself. Perhaps one day we may come together in a new way with all the wisdom and self strength we are finding now, or perhaps not. I am not longer attached or invested in either option. My life is moving forward, and the love of my life is becoming once again my self. Tonite I sit here with a glass of wine celebrating the arrival of this moment, to be able to feel strong, OK, safe, powerfully vulnerable, competent and capable of overcoming my own demons and fears. I am in love with life, totally in bliss in this beautiful place overlooking the ocean and nestled into the jungle and my heart is bursting with the desire to share and serve in any ways I can!

Blessed nite! A celebration of the spirit!

Embracing our Feminine Sensual Yumminess

Home from a night of dancing in the hot steamy sultryness that is Costa Rica's club vibe, bodies grinding, music bumping, lights altering reality enough to lose the mind's normal state of attachment to thought and I am liberated. Just two hours of pulsing hips and swirling sensuality and I feel alive again, like myself again, like a queen again. The remembrance of my power as a woman comes alive somehow on the dance floor with men half my age pushing their hips against mine in recognition of the power held within a woman. Their hands wandering my body lustfully, but somehow also lovingly appreciating the sensuality I embody when I move.

And because I trust myself, and know myself and my boundaries, I can enjoy and relish in this passionate exchange that and only tap into and feel the appreciation of man for woman, woman for man. Because I am clear with my intentions, it is safe for me to play, express and enjoy the dance for just a dance. Yum I say to this blissful exchange. Yum I say to the way I feel invigorated, alive, reminded of my essence as a woman with a man's hands feeling the curves and soft places around my waist and hips as we move together as one, finding joy and sweetness together.

And as inviting and intoxicating as are the men, so too are the women here who also feel and own their sensual yumminess dancing together, grinding ass to yoni and yoni to ass with a grab of a hip or a soft smile with knowingness spreading between us as women of the enticement that we are even to ourselves and each other.

Yum... wild woman divine essence of sensuality and bliss. I welcome you home to me again!

Depression's Delusion

Hard to fully even belive the reality of the life I am moving thru. It's somewhat like a dream, a kind of state between states that I've been living in for almost a year now. I'm not sure what it will take to snap me out of this dazed half life I am in.

I am depressed but playing one hell of a good game of ignoring it and one hell of a good game of faking out everyone around me.

For me depression maybe looks different than how most people imagine it.

I keep going, full speed ahead. I isolate more, so no one can see the truth that lies just behind the smile and sparkle of mysterious melancholy made to appear as peaceful acceptance.

I lie in bed til 7 or 8 after waking at 3 or 4 or hopefully 5 or 6 AM where most people would imagine a depressed person to stay in bed til atleast 10 or 11.

I throw parties and dress up pretty and go talk it up in town just enough to continue the facade.

I go to the gym, stay in shape, eat pretty well and self medicate with music, marijuana and an elixir called jun rather than sucking down crap food and alcohol.

But when I stop, and my eyes meet my eyes, as they did tonite while I was in the midst of a workout, the sadness is so tangible, the grief so accessible, the agony of this hell I have chosen to put myself thru for almost a year is so present that in less than an instant the tears well up and I have to look away from the half queen, half wife battered peasant that stares back at me from the mirror.

My kind of depression looks pretty much passable for the average person's normalcy. My kind of depression may never even be seen fully by anyone buy myself. Perhaps I could keep on like this for a whole lifetime if I really chose to.

My kind of depression could send me silently and seductively into a cave of my own creation.

Years ago, when I was still a teenager, I remember writing a poem that somehow never has left my mind. "Inside the soul cell she screams..." were the opening lines. I must find that poem soon and revisit it's madness, perhaps it will teach me some way out of this ever growing deep well I seem to be still slowly swimming deeper into.

The more reading I do, the more frightened I become of what I have become, which, LOL serves only to send me deeper into grief and sorrow.

Happy Birthday to me: Reminders on Being

Accept what is with gratitude and faith

Embrace Life

Find and do what you love

Trust more Deeply

Resist self criticism and self judgement

Think less, Be More

Learn to let go ON COMMAND

Practice discernment in speech and thought

Become the master of your mind and emotions

Don't re-act: Sit, reflect, breathe and respond with discernment and grace

Live in the present: Let go of the past: It lives ONLY as long as you feed it

Liberate your mind by letting go of stories and perceptions

Trust in the flow to bring what needs to be

Don't interfere with what is: Allow truth to reveal itself: IT ALWAYS DOES

Forgive yourself as you forgive others

Accept that somethings can never be understood: especially other people's actions

Find your SELF & Never let her go again!

Never let anyone else confuse you on your own values and needs

Never compromise your values

Remember you deserve integrity and honesty

Choose carefully, consciously and with great discernment who and what you take into your body, life and community

Awaken to the joys of your wild side: drum, dance, sing, be in nature, play pointlessly

Live courageously: take more chancs: jump into the unknown with passion and zest for the mystery it holds

Live fearlessly as if today is the last day of your life!

Turning 40

Tonite is the nite before winter solstice, and also the last night of my 30's. I am dining alone at a 4 star restaurant, treating myself to a mini vacation on the beautiful Sanibel Island with a delightful meal and a beachfront room.

I am returning to my committment to forgive myself and re-affirming mantras I have seemed to neglect:
"Think forward thinking thoughts."
"No looking back."
"Let go and flow."
"Trust in the knowingness that all is in perfect alignment."

For too long I have been stuck in stories and thoughts of the past. I never, in my worst nightmares, imagined that I could go thru what I have gone thru in the past 6 months just from shifting out of a relationship, and certainly hadn't yet glimpsed the monster my mind could become thru attachment, anxiety, obsessiveness and fear. I'd never known or seen these dark corners, and would have even denied the possibility that they could exist in me up until a few months ago. Now I understand the saying,"Sometimes the truth hurts."

"Not me" my overinflated superior self would have said when I walked out of that relationship (or tried to LOL) in February. Ha Ha..the joke's on me. I have proven to also have a little wounded self that never had been given much attention apparently and once it saw an opportunity to jump in and show itself did so with such fervor and might that it knocked me senseless and sent me reeling into all kinds of unimaginable turmoil in my own mind. Suddenly all of the gates were unloosed and my wounded child was screaming and throwing tantrums at every turn, for any reason and with all the unpredictability of a tornado blasting thru a small peaceful village of happy people.

So now here I am turning 40 in a few short hours. Face to face with the totality of myself, and the polarity of myself. The Yin Yang, the Dark and Light of myself. One half Warrior Queen, righteous spiritual being, empowered woman, fearless, competent, leading people into rhythm rites and building community, author, "strong" woman archetype. One half scared, sad, abandoned, insecure, unworthy pauper child feeling lost and uncared for in this world. It doesn't get any more real than this. I guess I'm coming of age and moving into this new phase of my life as a truly humbled woman, reverent in new ways and softened by the compassion and grace I feel coming thru the willingness to be real with all of it.

Tonite is a full moon eclipse, a powerful opportunity for a turning point and new possibilities and my affirmation is to commit this year to myself. To take as much time as I need to become whole and fully in love once again with every little piece of myself. To give that little pauper girl all the love she needs to feel like the queen she holds within herself. To move as a True Queen with the needs of others held strongly in heart and mind to serve others as she would be served.

This is a year to toss aside all that doesn't reflect my truest and deepest values and callings.

Winter Solstice Baby... Happy Birthday to me!

Self Forgiveness

"Guilt is unnatural. The guiltless mind can not suffer. What is truly blessed is incapable of giving rise to guilg and must give rise to joy."
A Course in Miracles

My big piece of work right now is self forgiveness. I have forgiven him and all of those who spoke untruths about me, but I have been holding a lot of guilt for my own behavior and have been in a rather frenzied state of self condemnation and self judgement. This must be, as A Course in Miracles (ACIM) puts it, "undone."

I acted out in ways that I am not proud of in the past months, out of fear, ego delusion and wrong perception based on confusing information. My ego acted out of it's own need to maintain control and now looking back, it is clear that there has never been any reason to be fearful or feel guilty. I wasted days and weeks of time in anxiety and depression for no reason at all. I was jealous and insecure for no reason at all. "What's real can never be threatened." (ACIM) What's real is the love, nothing else. That's all that matters, now or ever. It's hard not to laugh at myself, but I feel like such a fool to ever even have reacted or given any of it a moment of my peace of mind! Live and learn, that's how we do it I guess.

Clearly our love has not been affected by the separation rebound or the second rebound, or any of the hurtful things that occurred between us, though for sure our personality's and ego's have had some roughing up. Six months ago, however, clearly I was too caught in the pain and confusion of it all to even be ready to receive that nugget!

Nothing can change that which God created and nothing real can be threatened. I so wish I had read and received that wisdom months ago and really taken it in. It would have saved me so much wasted energy. And, I can see that the proof of this is here now, so I have to forgive myself for my own ignorance just as I forgive others for theirs.

So my work now is to let go of hating myself, berating myself and feeling like such a schmuck that I fell prey to those loud mouthed foul smelling jackass saboteurs of insecurity, jealousy and fear. They have had their run of me and I am committing to taking over the show with a higher state of awareness and more compassion and tolerance, more tenderness and Divine love. Those villans have had their day in my life and I am no longer willing to let them deceive or delude me with their lies.

Now I choose to let go of the old paradigm of how relationship "should be" or how I want it and to come into a place of gratitude and acceptance for what is. I am ready to offer myself thru this experience back to Spirit and trust that whatever happens is what must be for growth and for the best of all. Even the story about "losing my lover" isn't really true. Sure, we're not together the way we once were, we aren't partners in the sense we were, but really not much else has changed. We're still good friends, share a lot, have movie nights and the connection, in it's essence, is still real and true. Learning to just appreciate what is, and accept what is is really all that's left to do and really all there ever has been to do.

God let me free of the past so that I may be available NOW to live in joy and love and create life in harmony.

Integration

Tonite, sitting in the company of sisters, sharing our hearts as women do, the stillness of love streams through me again. This year has been the most challenging yet of my entire life. I guess that's saying I've had a good life at nearly 40 as really things haven't been nearly as bad as what I've witnessed for some people my age! This year has taught me so much and has been such a profoundly heart opening, humbling and transformative year.

I have learned suffering's hell, walked with and into my heart fearlessly though certainly not always fearless! I have looked at and into the dark places of my ego and it's screaming incoherencies. I have allowed it to nearly destroy me with it's stories and selfishness. I have experienced and acknowledged grief and hung by a thread to God as my only remembrance of sanity and survival. I have cried tears enough to make a small lake. I have contemplated swimming far out to sea and drowning myself just to escape the emptiness and the void in my heart. I have danced depression's dark sultry lopsided melancholy monogroove.

I have been betrayed and gossiped about and have heard my name dragged thru the ethers from the lips of people who know not the truth but speak as if they do. I have learned how false friends can spew bullshit perceptions that are more self reflective than true about me or mine. Painfully, I have digested it all knowing how much I have loved and supported these same people knowing they only see some reflection of something they can't have compassion for within themselves. I have felt backstabbing and wanted to stab back but didn't.

I have screamed with the power of a thousand angered women moving thru me who know the pain of betrayal and grief.

I have died and am being reborn.

And out of the ashes I take and bring with me new wisdom. A real taste of the fullness of life. For now I understand more of these things that before I did not. My heart loves more because I never stopped loving, thru all of it, I never let the love be sacrficied. I loved those throwing stones. I love those who hate. I love this life and now I am touching wisdom's grace thru allowing myself to love thru every bit of it. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, even allowed myself to be hurt. I understand now Jesus's words, "turn the other cheek," with a new depth.

Now, I am as exposed, unravelled and unveiled as I can possibly be to myself, to my beloved, and in the eyes of God. There is nothing to hide, nowhere to run. I am here, fully present with all of it, with all of myself. "Only when we have nothing to hide can we be truly free." And so, I am free in a way I never knew before, it's all exposed. I am raw and real.

All I want now is to be an example of an authentic being
in love
in truth
in acceptance of what is.
Integration is happening within me! Bring it on!