Depression's Delusion

Hard to fully even belive the reality of the life I am moving thru. It's somewhat like a dream, a kind of state between states that I've been living in for almost a year now. I'm not sure what it will take to snap me out of this dazed half life I am in.

I am depressed but playing one hell of a good game of ignoring it and one hell of a good game of faking out everyone around me.

For me depression maybe looks different than how most people imagine it.

I keep going, full speed ahead. I isolate more, so no one can see the truth that lies just behind the smile and sparkle of mysterious melancholy made to appear as peaceful acceptance.

I lie in bed til 7 or 8 after waking at 3 or 4 or hopefully 5 or 6 AM where most people would imagine a depressed person to stay in bed til atleast 10 or 11.

I throw parties and dress up pretty and go talk it up in town just enough to continue the facade.

I go to the gym, stay in shape, eat pretty well and self medicate with music, marijuana and an elixir called jun rather than sucking down crap food and alcohol.

But when I stop, and my eyes meet my eyes, as they did tonite while I was in the midst of a workout, the sadness is so tangible, the grief so accessible, the agony of this hell I have chosen to put myself thru for almost a year is so present that in less than an instant the tears well up and I have to look away from the half queen, half wife battered peasant that stares back at me from the mirror.

My kind of depression looks pretty much passable for the average person's normalcy. My kind of depression may never even be seen fully by anyone buy myself. Perhaps I could keep on like this for a whole lifetime if I really chose to.

My kind of depression could send me silently and seductively into a cave of my own creation.

Years ago, when I was still a teenager, I remember writing a poem that somehow never has left my mind. "Inside the soul cell she screams..." were the opening lines. I must find that poem soon and revisit it's madness, perhaps it will teach me some way out of this ever growing deep well I seem to be still slowly swimming deeper into.

The more reading I do, the more frightened I become of what I have become, which, LOL serves only to send me deeper into grief and sorrow.