"Guilt is unnatural. The guiltless mind can not suffer. What is truly blessed is incapable of giving rise to guilg and must give rise to joy."
A Course in Miracles
My big piece of work right now is self forgiveness. I have forgiven him and all of those who spoke untruths about me, but I have been holding a lot of guilt for my own behavior and have been in a rather frenzied state of self condemnation and self judgement. This must be, as A Course in Miracles (ACIM) puts it, "undone."
I acted out in ways that I am not proud of in the past months, out of fear, ego delusion and wrong perception based on confusing information. My ego acted out of it's own need to maintain control and now looking back, it is clear that there has never been any reason to be fearful or feel guilty. I wasted days and weeks of time in anxiety and depression for no reason at all. I was jealous and insecure for no reason at all. "What's real can never be threatened." (ACIM) What's real is the love, nothing else. That's all that matters, now or ever. It's hard not to laugh at myself, but I feel like such a fool to ever even have reacted or given any of it a moment of my peace of mind! Live and learn, that's how we do it I guess.
Clearly our love has not been affected by the separation rebound or the second rebound, or any of the hurtful things that occurred between us, though for sure our personality's and ego's have had some roughing up. Six months ago, however, clearly I was too caught in the pain and confusion of it all to even be ready to receive that nugget!
Nothing can change that which God created and nothing real can be threatened. I so wish I had read and received that wisdom months ago and really taken it in. It would have saved me so much wasted energy. And, I can see that the proof of this is here now, so I have to forgive myself for my own ignorance just as I forgive others for theirs.
So my work now is to let go of hating myself, berating myself and feeling like such a schmuck that I fell prey to those loud mouthed foul smelling jackass saboteurs of insecurity, jealousy and fear. They have had their run of me and I am committing to taking over the show with a higher state of awareness and more compassion and tolerance, more tenderness and Divine love. Those villans have had their day in my life and I am no longer willing to let them deceive or delude me with their lies.
Now I choose to let go of the old paradigm of how relationship "should be" or how I want it and to come into a place of gratitude and acceptance for what is. I am ready to offer myself thru this experience back to Spirit and trust that whatever happens is what must be for growth and for the best of all. Even the story about "losing my lover" isn't really true. Sure, we're not together the way we once were, we aren't partners in the sense we were, but really not much else has changed. We're still good friends, share a lot, have movie nights and the connection, in it's essence, is still real and true. Learning to just appreciate what is, and accept what is is really all that's left to do and really all there ever has been to do.
God let me free of the past so that I may be available NOW to live in joy and love and create life in harmony.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Integration
Tonite, sitting in the company of sisters, sharing our hearts as women do, the stillness of love streams through me again. This year has been the most challenging yet of my entire life. I guess that's saying I've had a good life at nearly 40 as really things haven't been nearly as bad as what I've witnessed for some people my age! This year has taught me so much and has been such a profoundly heart opening, humbling and transformative year.
I have learned suffering's hell, walked with and into my heart fearlessly though certainly not always fearless! I have looked at and into the dark places of my ego and it's screaming incoherencies. I have allowed it to nearly destroy me with it's stories and selfishness. I have experienced and acknowledged grief and hung by a thread to God as my only remembrance of sanity and survival. I have cried tears enough to make a small lake. I have contemplated swimming far out to sea and drowning myself just to escape the emptiness and the void in my heart. I have danced depression's dark sultry lopsided melancholy monogroove.
I have been betrayed and gossiped about and have heard my name dragged thru the ethers from the lips of people who know not the truth but speak as if they do. I have learned how false friends can spew bullshit perceptions that are more self reflective than true about me or mine. Painfully, I have digested it all knowing how much I have loved and supported these same people knowing they only see some reflection of something they can't have compassion for within themselves. I have felt backstabbing and wanted to stab back but didn't.
I have screamed with the power of a thousand angered women moving thru me who know the pain of betrayal and grief.
I have died and am being reborn.
And out of the ashes I take and bring with me new wisdom. A real taste of the fullness of life. For now I understand more of these things that before I did not. My heart loves more because I never stopped loving, thru all of it, I never let the love be sacrficied. I loved those throwing stones. I love those who hate. I love this life and now I am touching wisdom's grace thru allowing myself to love thru every bit of it. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, even allowed myself to be hurt. I understand now Jesus's words, "turn the other cheek," with a new depth.
Now, I am as exposed, unravelled and unveiled as I can possibly be to myself, to my beloved, and in the eyes of God. There is nothing to hide, nowhere to run. I am here, fully present with all of it, with all of myself. "Only when we have nothing to hide can we be truly free." And so, I am free in a way I never knew before, it's all exposed. I am raw and real.
All I want now is to be an example of an authentic being
in love
in truth
in acceptance of what is.
Integration is happening within me! Bring it on!
I have learned suffering's hell, walked with and into my heart fearlessly though certainly not always fearless! I have looked at and into the dark places of my ego and it's screaming incoherencies. I have allowed it to nearly destroy me with it's stories and selfishness. I have experienced and acknowledged grief and hung by a thread to God as my only remembrance of sanity and survival. I have cried tears enough to make a small lake. I have contemplated swimming far out to sea and drowning myself just to escape the emptiness and the void in my heart. I have danced depression's dark sultry lopsided melancholy monogroove.
I have been betrayed and gossiped about and have heard my name dragged thru the ethers from the lips of people who know not the truth but speak as if they do. I have learned how false friends can spew bullshit perceptions that are more self reflective than true about me or mine. Painfully, I have digested it all knowing how much I have loved and supported these same people knowing they only see some reflection of something they can't have compassion for within themselves. I have felt backstabbing and wanted to stab back but didn't.
I have screamed with the power of a thousand angered women moving thru me who know the pain of betrayal and grief.
I have died and am being reborn.
And out of the ashes I take and bring with me new wisdom. A real taste of the fullness of life. For now I understand more of these things that before I did not. My heart loves more because I never stopped loving, thru all of it, I never let the love be sacrficied. I loved those throwing stones. I love those who hate. I love this life and now I am touching wisdom's grace thru allowing myself to love thru every bit of it. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, even allowed myself to be hurt. I understand now Jesus's words, "turn the other cheek," with a new depth.
Now, I am as exposed, unravelled and unveiled as I can possibly be to myself, to my beloved, and in the eyes of God. There is nothing to hide, nowhere to run. I am here, fully present with all of it, with all of myself. "Only when we have nothing to hide can we be truly free." And so, I am free in a way I never knew before, it's all exposed. I am raw and real.
All I want now is to be an example of an authentic being
in love
in truth
in acceptance of what is.
Integration is happening within me! Bring it on!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Start Again
A friend of mine went to a Vippassana meditation several years ago and shared with me that for years after he could hear the voice of his teacher in his head saying, "Start Again."
For some strange reason it stuck with me, and I seem to find that voice in my head pretty often even though I still haven't made it to a Vippassana Meditation.
Start Again. In this journey I am on of trying to find myself and heal from giving my heart, body and soul to a man who didn't really ever want it, I am hearing that voice again today. I'm beginning to feel like I'm on some kind of sick merry go round that just keeps bringing me back to the same trauma and pain over and over to give me another shot at "letting go," and every time I seem to fall flat on my face with it, bumbling into yet another reactive tantrum.
"Start Again" that little voice says, so calmly with a little dry accent on it, haunting my humbled heart in the realization that there is no other choice but to start again.
There is nothing left really of my self respect or dignity, I've trampled it all and desecrated myself in tears and lament to this man over and over crying, "I wish it could be different, I hate this shit." But what I really mean is, "I wish I could be different, I hate that I am still feeling so hurt, abandoned and disempowered around our break up." It's been almost 8 months for God's sake and I'm still crying and feeling lost and alone without him, especially if we don't talk for a few days or he doesn't call when he says he will, which he's been doing more and more lately. Why do I even care at this point? I mean, really, what kind of self respecting woman would still be so devoted to a man who so clearly is confused on what he wants. He wants to be with me, but only on his terms, when he wants to be, where he wants to be, how he wants to be. And I am just supposed to be the loving, devoted woman who is always there for him with open arms and a warm bed. A "glorified booty call" is what one woman called me. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and I've been sucking it all up, compromising every bit of self respect just to try to keep it alive. I've set myself up to swing around on that merry go round with "Nothing Compares to You" screaming from the horses mouths as they weep tears of grief.
Sometimes Grief just sneaks up and crawls into my heart, curls up in a little ball and eats at me slowly. Today has been one of those days, and the funny thing about that little bugger Grief is that it doesn't matter how beautiful the day is, once it's nestled in, it's nestled in. Today was gorgeous, sunny and warm for a winter day, a perfect day to enjoy life, to be bubbling over with gratitude for a little window of warmth, but all I could do was try to keep from crying. For three days I've been doing pretty well, not calling him and not answering his calls, and today, on the fourth day, my lesson is, "Start Again."
I simply can not even comprehend the depth of this truly. I feel a hole in my heart that goes all the way thru me, to the core. I keep thinking, every day that I will wake up and it will be gone, but the hole just stays with me. I have been praying, but maybe not hard enough. I have been really trying to sit with it all, meditating and trying to follow the Buddhist teachings of allowing all of it without judgement. I am reading A Course in Miracles and working with those excercises. Today's lesson was to apply the concept of meaninglessness to a thought, and since my little mind seems to be plagued with thoughts of my ex and sexual infedility, I applied it to those thoughts, and really worked with that all day. Still the hole is there.
I know that only God can fill the hole, and I also know that there is no replacement for my lover of 8 years. Even God can't replace him and the place he held in my life for 8 years. It's just a fact. People aren't replacable. No one else can ever replace my mother or my father, or my ex. It just doesn't work that way. So I talk to God, a lot, and I find some comfort and solace there, but still the hole eats at me.
I made a new friend a few weeks ago, his name is Ryan. I was at the book store reading a book on how to save your relationship and he sat down next to me by the fireplace and I just instantly liked him, he had great energy. I felt him far before I even glanced up, his energy was just sweet and safe and in my tender, vulnerable place, safe is getting big points. Probably ten minutes after he sat down, somehow we started chatting and I liked him even more. He has gentle loving honest eyes, cute little glasses, and a goatie, and just enough of a resemblance to my ex to make him feel familiar but in a new and brighter way. Ryan and I went on a hike yesterday, and as it turns out he is in a pretty similar situation with his ex of trying to detach and move on. So yesterday, Ryan and I made a pact to help each other get thru this time without going back, to even use each other when we need or want to connect with our ex's. I wish to God I was attracted to this guy, he's cute, even handsome and so sweet, but my heart just can't really be open to anyone else. At any rate, Ryan stayed over last night and this morning we cuddled for an hour or so, he just held me. No sexual energy, not even a lick, just pure, safe, innocent cuddling. I thought, maybe, just maybe, that would help me, but instead that ridiculous hole in my heart got bigger, much bigger. No cuddle can replace the main squeeze I loved so much for 8 years. It almost makes it worse to try to fill the space, it's just unfillable. He is irreplacable dammit.
So what to do?
Start Again. It's like I need to return to the jungles to get away from this man. I work with him, see him too much and all of it just continues to fester the wounds. I know I need to make a break, get out of dodge, leave this town far behind and just get away from him before he totally destroys every ounce of self respect I have but I don't know where to go, what to do, how to escape it and so I sit here pondering it all and hearing that voice in my head over and over again...
Start Again.
For some strange reason it stuck with me, and I seem to find that voice in my head pretty often even though I still haven't made it to a Vippassana Meditation.
Start Again. In this journey I am on of trying to find myself and heal from giving my heart, body and soul to a man who didn't really ever want it, I am hearing that voice again today. I'm beginning to feel like I'm on some kind of sick merry go round that just keeps bringing me back to the same trauma and pain over and over to give me another shot at "letting go," and every time I seem to fall flat on my face with it, bumbling into yet another reactive tantrum.
"Start Again" that little voice says, so calmly with a little dry accent on it, haunting my humbled heart in the realization that there is no other choice but to start again.
There is nothing left really of my self respect or dignity, I've trampled it all and desecrated myself in tears and lament to this man over and over crying, "I wish it could be different, I hate this shit." But what I really mean is, "I wish I could be different, I hate that I am still feeling so hurt, abandoned and disempowered around our break up." It's been almost 8 months for God's sake and I'm still crying and feeling lost and alone without him, especially if we don't talk for a few days or he doesn't call when he says he will, which he's been doing more and more lately. Why do I even care at this point? I mean, really, what kind of self respecting woman would still be so devoted to a man who so clearly is confused on what he wants. He wants to be with me, but only on his terms, when he wants to be, where he wants to be, how he wants to be. And I am just supposed to be the loving, devoted woman who is always there for him with open arms and a warm bed. A "glorified booty call" is what one woman called me. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and I've been sucking it all up, compromising every bit of self respect just to try to keep it alive. I've set myself up to swing around on that merry go round with "Nothing Compares to You" screaming from the horses mouths as they weep tears of grief.
Sometimes Grief just sneaks up and crawls into my heart, curls up in a little ball and eats at me slowly. Today has been one of those days, and the funny thing about that little bugger Grief is that it doesn't matter how beautiful the day is, once it's nestled in, it's nestled in. Today was gorgeous, sunny and warm for a winter day, a perfect day to enjoy life, to be bubbling over with gratitude for a little window of warmth, but all I could do was try to keep from crying. For three days I've been doing pretty well, not calling him and not answering his calls, and today, on the fourth day, my lesson is, "Start Again."
I simply can not even comprehend the depth of this truly. I feel a hole in my heart that goes all the way thru me, to the core. I keep thinking, every day that I will wake up and it will be gone, but the hole just stays with me. I have been praying, but maybe not hard enough. I have been really trying to sit with it all, meditating and trying to follow the Buddhist teachings of allowing all of it without judgement. I am reading A Course in Miracles and working with those excercises. Today's lesson was to apply the concept of meaninglessness to a thought, and since my little mind seems to be plagued with thoughts of my ex and sexual infedility, I applied it to those thoughts, and really worked with that all day. Still the hole is there.
I know that only God can fill the hole, and I also know that there is no replacement for my lover of 8 years. Even God can't replace him and the place he held in my life for 8 years. It's just a fact. People aren't replacable. No one else can ever replace my mother or my father, or my ex. It just doesn't work that way. So I talk to God, a lot, and I find some comfort and solace there, but still the hole eats at me.
I made a new friend a few weeks ago, his name is Ryan. I was at the book store reading a book on how to save your relationship and he sat down next to me by the fireplace and I just instantly liked him, he had great energy. I felt him far before I even glanced up, his energy was just sweet and safe and in my tender, vulnerable place, safe is getting big points. Probably ten minutes after he sat down, somehow we started chatting and I liked him even more. He has gentle loving honest eyes, cute little glasses, and a goatie, and just enough of a resemblance to my ex to make him feel familiar but in a new and brighter way. Ryan and I went on a hike yesterday, and as it turns out he is in a pretty similar situation with his ex of trying to detach and move on. So yesterday, Ryan and I made a pact to help each other get thru this time without going back, to even use each other when we need or want to connect with our ex's. I wish to God I was attracted to this guy, he's cute, even handsome and so sweet, but my heart just can't really be open to anyone else. At any rate, Ryan stayed over last night and this morning we cuddled for an hour or so, he just held me. No sexual energy, not even a lick, just pure, safe, innocent cuddling. I thought, maybe, just maybe, that would help me, but instead that ridiculous hole in my heart got bigger, much bigger. No cuddle can replace the main squeeze I loved so much for 8 years. It almost makes it worse to try to fill the space, it's just unfillable. He is irreplacable dammit.
So what to do?
Start Again. It's like I need to return to the jungles to get away from this man. I work with him, see him too much and all of it just continues to fester the wounds. I know I need to make a break, get out of dodge, leave this town far behind and just get away from him before he totally destroys every ounce of self respect I have but I don't know where to go, what to do, how to escape it and so I sit here pondering it all and hearing that voice in my head over and over again...
Start Again.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I went to church today. I woke up with a place inside that wanted God and fellowship so deeply. I love church. I don't go so often, because I live most of my life as if the whole world is my church. I pray all the time, wherever I am. I am the temple I need and go to most often. Today however, I went to church.
The service was so perfectly aligned with what I needed to hear on letting go and trusting in the unkown! Somewhere in the midst of it I got a hit that it was time for me to start reading "A Course in Miracles." I'd visited it once or twice in the past, but never really felt fully called as I did today. Synchronically, when I went downstairs to the church's lending library, there sat a big fat full teacher's version of A Course in Miracles, ready to go home with me.
A few nuggets I pulled out in the first read:
"When you have become willing to hide nothing, you will not only be willing to enter into communion but you will understand peace and joy."
"The escape from darkness involves two stages:
1. The recognition that darkness can not hide
2. The recognition that there is nothing you want to hide, even if you could. This step brings escape from fear."
"Recognize your errors and choose to abandon them."
"Every aspect of fear comes from upside down perception. The more truly creative devote their efforts to correcting perceptual distortions. The neurotic to compromise and the psychotic tries to escape by establishing the certain truth of his own errors. He is the most difficult to free because he is consistent in his denial of truth."
Wow! Not bad for a first read of a few pages!
I can see clearly where I have been the creative, the neurotic and for short moments even the psychotic in this journey. Mostly though I have fallen into the creative's role. My prayer and intention has been for understanding things and seeing things clearly.
These past months have been such a journey and I have only one prayer now: my prayer is to fully let go and recognize that I deserve so much better and so much more than what I even know! My prayer is to be more free tomorrow and that I awaken in joy of a new day with no regrets, no hurts, no more suffering.
My prayer is to awaken free and wild like the wind.
The service was so perfectly aligned with what I needed to hear on letting go and trusting in the unkown! Somewhere in the midst of it I got a hit that it was time for me to start reading "A Course in Miracles." I'd visited it once or twice in the past, but never really felt fully called as I did today. Synchronically, when I went downstairs to the church's lending library, there sat a big fat full teacher's version of A Course in Miracles, ready to go home with me.
A few nuggets I pulled out in the first read:
"When you have become willing to hide nothing, you will not only be willing to enter into communion but you will understand peace and joy."
"The escape from darkness involves two stages:
1. The recognition that darkness can not hide
2. The recognition that there is nothing you want to hide, even if you could. This step brings escape from fear."
"Recognize your errors and choose to abandon them."
"Every aspect of fear comes from upside down perception. The more truly creative devote their efforts to correcting perceptual distortions. The neurotic to compromise and the psychotic tries to escape by establishing the certain truth of his own errors. He is the most difficult to free because he is consistent in his denial of truth."
Wow! Not bad for a first read of a few pages!
I can see clearly where I have been the creative, the neurotic and for short moments even the psychotic in this journey. Mostly though I have fallen into the creative's role. My prayer and intention has been for understanding things and seeing things clearly.
These past months have been such a journey and I have only one prayer now: my prayer is to fully let go and recognize that I deserve so much better and so much more than what I even know! My prayer is to be more free tomorrow and that I awaken in joy of a new day with no regrets, no hurts, no more suffering.
My prayer is to awaken free and wild like the wind.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Gratitude I AM
Sitting with sunlite streaming into me
The mists floating
Gently hovering above the stillness of the lake
Hiding the mountain tops
Shadows of trees melting into their sensual embrace
Gratitude I Am
Tears of acknowledgement flowing
for every step of the journey that has led me
Here Now
Quietly reflecting on this life
My heart has been busted sweetly open
Again and again and again
Tears of rage have brought me compassionate understanding
Fears of losing have taught me the richness that I Am
thru Vulnerability's bitter but sweet deep kisses
Gratitude I Am
Depression has taught me the mysterious ways that darkness calls forth lite
Anxiety has shown me to rest thru exhaustion's paralyzing inertia
Grief is still teaching me the preciousness of each moment
Grief reminds me to listen less
to fear, depresssion and anxiety's strangely seductive songs
Gratitude I Am
Dancing mind births surrender into stillness
The lines on my face etch my time passing
like a wild tempest wind
Fast and furiously earth shaking
This home allows me to be the grace I am thru the sharing of space that is my bliss
Gratitude I Am
For the passing of cycles
Fall into winter
Forgivenss into compassion
Anger into Soft sadness
Stillness into Divine Union
Gratitude I Am
For the friends who have listened to my stories
Again and again and again
For the mother who carried me in her womb
gifting me this life
to be challenged
to be overjoyed
to be witness and witnessed
For the creatures great and small
that amaze and captivate my heart with awe
The four leggeds and winged ones
The creepy's and the crawlies
The enchanted ones of the sea and the underworlds
For this earth and all it's abundance and ever unfolding magic
For the gifts of rhythm and song
And all that they have allowed me to experience as bliss in union with Creation
Gratitude I Am
For my unbalanced intensity that humbles me
when it rages thru me like a tidal wave
reminding me my work is far from done
Reminding me that I am
For what some call my "overexpressiveness" and all that it represents
as one being being real and authentic in this under expressed society
where so many are afraid of truth and heart felt sharings
For the facade that I refuse to wear that "societal" appropriateness dictates
For the scared insecure little girl
who is as much me as is the Warrior Queen
As fearless as I am, so too are the depths of my fears
Gratitude I AM
As above, so below
For the duality and it's suffering nature
reminding me to discipline myself more to choose acceptance of what is
For this home I sit in now and all that it has already been home to
love, life, music, community and warm fires..
For the teachers in every being I meet
For this moment now
Quietly sitting with sunlite streaming into me
The mists floating
Gently hovering above the stillness of the lake
Hiding the mountain tops
Shadows of trees melting into their sensual embrace
And tears flowing like sweet nectar
to soften all of me into the
Gratitude I Am
The mists floating
Gently hovering above the stillness of the lake
Hiding the mountain tops
Shadows of trees melting into their sensual embrace
Gratitude I Am
Tears of acknowledgement flowing
for every step of the journey that has led me
Here Now
Quietly reflecting on this life
My heart has been busted sweetly open
Again and again and again
Tears of rage have brought me compassionate understanding
Fears of losing have taught me the richness that I Am
thru Vulnerability's bitter but sweet deep kisses
Gratitude I Am
Depression has taught me the mysterious ways that darkness calls forth lite
Anxiety has shown me to rest thru exhaustion's paralyzing inertia
Grief is still teaching me the preciousness of each moment
Grief reminds me to listen less
to fear, depresssion and anxiety's strangely seductive songs
Gratitude I Am
Dancing mind births surrender into stillness
The lines on my face etch my time passing
like a wild tempest wind
Fast and furiously earth shaking
This home allows me to be the grace I am thru the sharing of space that is my bliss
Gratitude I Am
For the passing of cycles
Fall into winter
Forgivenss into compassion
Anger into Soft sadness
Stillness into Divine Union
Gratitude I Am
For the friends who have listened to my stories
Again and again and again
For the mother who carried me in her womb
gifting me this life
to be challenged
to be overjoyed
to be witness and witnessed
For the creatures great and small
that amaze and captivate my heart with awe
The four leggeds and winged ones
The creepy's and the crawlies
The enchanted ones of the sea and the underworlds
For this earth and all it's abundance and ever unfolding magic
For the gifts of rhythm and song
And all that they have allowed me to experience as bliss in union with Creation
Gratitude I Am
For my unbalanced intensity that humbles me
when it rages thru me like a tidal wave
reminding me my work is far from done
Reminding me that I am
For what some call my "overexpressiveness" and all that it represents
as one being being real and authentic in this under expressed society
where so many are afraid of truth and heart felt sharings
For the facade that I refuse to wear that "societal" appropriateness dictates
For the scared insecure little girl
who is as much me as is the Warrior Queen
As fearless as I am, so too are the depths of my fears
Gratitude I AM
As above, so below
For the duality and it's suffering nature
reminding me to discipline myself more to choose acceptance of what is
For this home I sit in now and all that it has already been home to
love, life, music, community and warm fires..
For the teachers in every being I meet
For this moment now
Quietly sitting with sunlite streaming into me
The mists floating
Gently hovering above the stillness of the lake
Hiding the mountain tops
Shadows of trees melting into their sensual embrace
And tears flowing like sweet nectar
to soften all of me into the
Gratitude I Am
Monday, November 15, 2010
Shifting
Seven months and this is still going on. Something in me is shifting, and I am finding myself wondering what exactly I'm thinking by even allowing this to be the way it is. I'm totally letting him dictate the terms of it all and in the midst my heart is feeling unsafe and more vulnerable than ever. Something in the whole process is exciting to me, to try on a new way of being, to try on this concept of open relationship and explore it within the context of an 8 year love that clearly is far from "over" or "done." Yet something is shifting, organically and maybe because it must.
Clearly we love each other, deeply and truly beyond all stories and beyond all circumstances. Clearly we want to spend time together and not be "done" or "finished." Clearly, his allusions to possible future times working and being together are founded in his heart.
And clearly, this is not allowing me to fully move forward with a new life and into new possibilities. And clearly, my intuition, through dreams and then clear reminders from the women he's been involved with, is speaking truth to me to be very careful and to get out now with what's left of my dignity.
So I am making a committment to shifting fully into myself and a more realized state of beingness where my life, my work and my passions can come forth again. I have put way too much time and energy into worrying and being concerned about what he's up to and who else he is sleeping with, etc. and that all needs to shift into myself and my future work and life. Giving him full permission and the space to be with those women is the best thing I could do, it's really all he has been asking for and it's time I allow it and not care anymore and not let it dictate my own self worth or self esteem. If he wants to go be with his little stripper friend, so be it. I have higher goals to think about and a world to share with and be of service to.
Clearly we love each other, deeply and truly beyond all stories and beyond all circumstances. Clearly we want to spend time together and not be "done" or "finished." Clearly, his allusions to possible future times working and being together are founded in his heart.
And clearly, this is not allowing me to fully move forward with a new life and into new possibilities. And clearly, my intuition, through dreams and then clear reminders from the women he's been involved with, is speaking truth to me to be very careful and to get out now with what's left of my dignity.
So I am making a committment to shifting fully into myself and a more realized state of beingness where my life, my work and my passions can come forth again. I have put way too much time and energy into worrying and being concerned about what he's up to and who else he is sleeping with, etc. and that all needs to shift into myself and my future work and life. Giving him full permission and the space to be with those women is the best thing I could do, it's really all he has been asking for and it's time I allow it and not care anymore and not let it dictate my own self worth or self esteem. If he wants to go be with his little stripper friend, so be it. I have higher goals to think about and a world to share with and be of service to.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Six Months and Counting
It's been a while since I've given myself to writing here. So much has happened. Some of it was just too painful and ugly to even write about. Just getting through it was a major effort.
This journey is longer than I could have imagined and I guess the only way one can truly understand it is to go through it. I always imagined myself a stronger woman than what I have proven to show up as. I certainly never thought I'd try to hang onto a man who cheated on me, lied to me, exposed me to STD's from his poor choices with women who have slept with half the men I know and who is clearly requesting space and distance from me. I certainly never thought I'd be up half the nite or all of the nite in anxiety, sorrow, grief and despair trying to figure out how I could win him back. I never thought I could push myself to the brink of questioning my will to live over a man, but alas... I have proven to be a woman, through and through with all of the heart wrenching aspects of the darker side of the feminine: jealousy, revengeful thoughts, anger, spite, depression, need, possessiveness... you name it, I've felt it all in these bones in these past 6 months.
Finally, a few weeks ago I started therapy, EMDR to be specific. I've learned that he is more like my father, mother and brother than I could have really seen clearly when we were together. I've learned that I have some pretty good reasons to feel all the crap that I have and that I'm actually doing OK, and pretty normal, regardless of how much HE tells me that I've been over reactive and over emotional. I've learned that I had pretty good reasons to feel the way I have between my old family crap, and the reality of his disrespect towards our love that I invested 8 years of my life in nurturing. I've learned that he has some pretty deep seated crap too and that I don't need to be constantly apologizing for what he helped to create in me, and mostly I am finally at last learning to find peace with the space.
One of the biggest pieces was that I learned that home was one of the main things he provided for me, a place of rest, a place I could feel safe and soft, and so I created one for myself. I spent months looking for a one bedroom apartment but hating the idea of living in a complex or in a basement or in a cramped space. I'm not an apartment dweller, maybe it's because my parents were landlords and I was in apartments cleaning and sweating my fingers to the bone too often to ever want to live in one. In the last month of my homelessness, I was sleeping in the back of his truck pretty often. I'd take it and drive up just on the edge of town and crawl in back and curl up and sink into the lonlieness, wishing his warm body was next to mine, feeling how sad this all seemed that he wouldn't even invite me to stay with him, when so many nights I allowed him to come curl up with me if he needed or wanted to. Somehow though, there was a sweetness to sleeping in the truck, I could hear the wind, feel it move the truck, I could hear the elements and it reminded me of my 20's when I was travelling in my Toyota pick up around Alaska and the western states of the US. Somehow, the back of that truck was more home than the stinky little room I was staying in in town and I loved it and actually looked forward to curling up in that thing. Some nights he would stay with me, and we would cuddle all night in a deep state of love. Home was with him. Wherever he was, I was home.
So finally, I found home on my own terms. I chose not a one bedroom apartment, but a big house, 4 bedrooms, perched up on a hill with a magnificient view of the mountains and a lake. And in the weeks of settling in here, I've found some peace and been able to sleep again which has made a huge difference in the degree of my emotional stability. I am feeling like I can start to make choices rather than just be led around by my rage and disappointment who just seem to taunt me and make a mess out of me. In finding home, I am feeling able to offer my self again to the world, and to my work and service. And I'm finding that I'm able to accept that the man I love truly does love me too, he just needs to find himself and explore life which really never needed to be as much of a big deal as my rage and disappointment have made it out to be.
The truth is, it's more like now we're boyfriend/girlfriend rather than partners and not much else has really changed in spite of all the drama. We eat dinner together often, soak at the gym, share movie and cuddle nights and eat ice cream, just the way we used to. I just can't dare say we're in a "relationship" or he gets fired up and frieked out. He's stayed with me an average of 3 nights a week in the past 3 months, and had another fling with a little stripper woman child with big boobs and absolutely no concept of personal responsibility for herself, and still came back to me again wanting to move past it. The passion of the love making has been unparalleled and the recognition and honoring of the truth of our relationship has been surfacing through all the challenges. I can feel how much he loves me and I him beyond all the human drama.
The first night I slept at my house, we slept in the truck because the smell from the wood floors was too intense to be inside, and he was holding me and we were talking about how afraid I am to lose him completely, and he said to me, "I'm not going anywhere, look 5 months and I'm still here aren't I? I care about you a lot, and I'm not going to disappear." I needed to hear that, and now I can see that it is true. He makes comments often about, "Someday when I build my house, I want you to live in it," and alludes to a future life with us pretty often and so what I am learning now is to accept that as a possibility as much as the possibility that I may indeed lose him forever to another woman, or me to another man. In my heart of hearts, he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I am learning to accept that maybe I just don't know what else is possible yet, and that this is the time to open up to other possibilities in my life.
I see him most days lately and against all advice from friends, I have chosen to continue to work with him and to work through things. It has born some sweet fruit for sure, we are on some levels, closer than ever, still awesome friends and I think it has helped him to recogonize how much he truly does care for me even though his actions don't always feel so considerate to me. I am also learning that he just is that way with everyone, and I don't need to take it so personally anymore.
This journey is longer than I could have imagined and I guess the only way one can truly understand it is to go through it. I always imagined myself a stronger woman than what I have proven to show up as. I certainly never thought I'd try to hang onto a man who cheated on me, lied to me, exposed me to STD's from his poor choices with women who have slept with half the men I know and who is clearly requesting space and distance from me. I certainly never thought I'd be up half the nite or all of the nite in anxiety, sorrow, grief and despair trying to figure out how I could win him back. I never thought I could push myself to the brink of questioning my will to live over a man, but alas... I have proven to be a woman, through and through with all of the heart wrenching aspects of the darker side of the feminine: jealousy, revengeful thoughts, anger, spite, depression, need, possessiveness... you name it, I've felt it all in these bones in these past 6 months.
Finally, a few weeks ago I started therapy, EMDR to be specific. I've learned that he is more like my father, mother and brother than I could have really seen clearly when we were together. I've learned that I have some pretty good reasons to feel all the crap that I have and that I'm actually doing OK, and pretty normal, regardless of how much HE tells me that I've been over reactive and over emotional. I've learned that I had pretty good reasons to feel the way I have between my old family crap, and the reality of his disrespect towards our love that I invested 8 years of my life in nurturing. I've learned that he has some pretty deep seated crap too and that I don't need to be constantly apologizing for what he helped to create in me, and mostly I am finally at last learning to find peace with the space.
One of the biggest pieces was that I learned that home was one of the main things he provided for me, a place of rest, a place I could feel safe and soft, and so I created one for myself. I spent months looking for a one bedroom apartment but hating the idea of living in a complex or in a basement or in a cramped space. I'm not an apartment dweller, maybe it's because my parents were landlords and I was in apartments cleaning and sweating my fingers to the bone too often to ever want to live in one. In the last month of my homelessness, I was sleeping in the back of his truck pretty often. I'd take it and drive up just on the edge of town and crawl in back and curl up and sink into the lonlieness, wishing his warm body was next to mine, feeling how sad this all seemed that he wouldn't even invite me to stay with him, when so many nights I allowed him to come curl up with me if he needed or wanted to. Somehow though, there was a sweetness to sleeping in the truck, I could hear the wind, feel it move the truck, I could hear the elements and it reminded me of my 20's when I was travelling in my Toyota pick up around Alaska and the western states of the US. Somehow, the back of that truck was more home than the stinky little room I was staying in in town and I loved it and actually looked forward to curling up in that thing. Some nights he would stay with me, and we would cuddle all night in a deep state of love. Home was with him. Wherever he was, I was home.
So finally, I found home on my own terms. I chose not a one bedroom apartment, but a big house, 4 bedrooms, perched up on a hill with a magnificient view of the mountains and a lake. And in the weeks of settling in here, I've found some peace and been able to sleep again which has made a huge difference in the degree of my emotional stability. I am feeling like I can start to make choices rather than just be led around by my rage and disappointment who just seem to taunt me and make a mess out of me. In finding home, I am feeling able to offer my self again to the world, and to my work and service. And I'm finding that I'm able to accept that the man I love truly does love me too, he just needs to find himself and explore life which really never needed to be as much of a big deal as my rage and disappointment have made it out to be.
The truth is, it's more like now we're boyfriend/girlfriend rather than partners and not much else has really changed in spite of all the drama. We eat dinner together often, soak at the gym, share movie and cuddle nights and eat ice cream, just the way we used to. I just can't dare say we're in a "relationship" or he gets fired up and frieked out. He's stayed with me an average of 3 nights a week in the past 3 months, and had another fling with a little stripper woman child with big boobs and absolutely no concept of personal responsibility for herself, and still came back to me again wanting to move past it. The passion of the love making has been unparalleled and the recognition and honoring of the truth of our relationship has been surfacing through all the challenges. I can feel how much he loves me and I him beyond all the human drama.
The first night I slept at my house, we slept in the truck because the smell from the wood floors was too intense to be inside, and he was holding me and we were talking about how afraid I am to lose him completely, and he said to me, "I'm not going anywhere, look 5 months and I'm still here aren't I? I care about you a lot, and I'm not going to disappear." I needed to hear that, and now I can see that it is true. He makes comments often about, "Someday when I build my house, I want you to live in it," and alludes to a future life with us pretty often and so what I am learning now is to accept that as a possibility as much as the possibility that I may indeed lose him forever to another woman, or me to another man. In my heart of hearts, he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I am learning to accept that maybe I just don't know what else is possible yet, and that this is the time to open up to other possibilities in my life.
I see him most days lately and against all advice from friends, I have chosen to continue to work with him and to work through things. It has born some sweet fruit for sure, we are on some levels, closer than ever, still awesome friends and I think it has helped him to recogonize how much he truly does care for me even though his actions don't always feel so considerate to me. I am also learning that he just is that way with everyone, and I don't need to take it so personally anymore.
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