Seven months and this is still going on. Something in me is shifting, and I am finding myself wondering what exactly I'm thinking by even allowing this to be the way it is. I'm totally letting him dictate the terms of it all and in the midst my heart is feeling unsafe and more vulnerable than ever. Something in the whole process is exciting to me, to try on a new way of being, to try on this concept of open relationship and explore it within the context of an 8 year love that clearly is far from "over" or "done." Yet something is shifting, organically and maybe because it must.
Clearly we love each other, deeply and truly beyond all stories and beyond all circumstances. Clearly we want to spend time together and not be "done" or "finished." Clearly, his allusions to possible future times working and being together are founded in his heart.
And clearly, this is not allowing me to fully move forward with a new life and into new possibilities. And clearly, my intuition, through dreams and then clear reminders from the women he's been involved with, is speaking truth to me to be very careful and to get out now with what's left of my dignity.
So I am making a committment to shifting fully into myself and a more realized state of beingness where my life, my work and my passions can come forth again. I have put way too much time and energy into worrying and being concerned about what he's up to and who else he is sleeping with, etc. and that all needs to shift into myself and my future work and life. Giving him full permission and the space to be with those women is the best thing I could do, it's really all he has been asking for and it's time I allow it and not care anymore and not let it dictate my own self worth or self esteem. If he wants to go be with his little stripper friend, so be it. I have higher goals to think about and a world to share with and be of service to.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Six Months and Counting
It's been a while since I've given myself to writing here. So much has happened. Some of it was just too painful and ugly to even write about. Just getting through it was a major effort.
This journey is longer than I could have imagined and I guess the only way one can truly understand it is to go through it. I always imagined myself a stronger woman than what I have proven to show up as. I certainly never thought I'd try to hang onto a man who cheated on me, lied to me, exposed me to STD's from his poor choices with women who have slept with half the men I know and who is clearly requesting space and distance from me. I certainly never thought I'd be up half the nite or all of the nite in anxiety, sorrow, grief and despair trying to figure out how I could win him back. I never thought I could push myself to the brink of questioning my will to live over a man, but alas... I have proven to be a woman, through and through with all of the heart wrenching aspects of the darker side of the feminine: jealousy, revengeful thoughts, anger, spite, depression, need, possessiveness... you name it, I've felt it all in these bones in these past 6 months.
Finally, a few weeks ago I started therapy, EMDR to be specific. I've learned that he is more like my father, mother and brother than I could have really seen clearly when we were together. I've learned that I have some pretty good reasons to feel all the crap that I have and that I'm actually doing OK, and pretty normal, regardless of how much HE tells me that I've been over reactive and over emotional. I've learned that I had pretty good reasons to feel the way I have between my old family crap, and the reality of his disrespect towards our love that I invested 8 years of my life in nurturing. I've learned that he has some pretty deep seated crap too and that I don't need to be constantly apologizing for what he helped to create in me, and mostly I am finally at last learning to find peace with the space.
One of the biggest pieces was that I learned that home was one of the main things he provided for me, a place of rest, a place I could feel safe and soft, and so I created one for myself. I spent months looking for a one bedroom apartment but hating the idea of living in a complex or in a basement or in a cramped space. I'm not an apartment dweller, maybe it's because my parents were landlords and I was in apartments cleaning and sweating my fingers to the bone too often to ever want to live in one. In the last month of my homelessness, I was sleeping in the back of his truck pretty often. I'd take it and drive up just on the edge of town and crawl in back and curl up and sink into the lonlieness, wishing his warm body was next to mine, feeling how sad this all seemed that he wouldn't even invite me to stay with him, when so many nights I allowed him to come curl up with me if he needed or wanted to. Somehow though, there was a sweetness to sleeping in the truck, I could hear the wind, feel it move the truck, I could hear the elements and it reminded me of my 20's when I was travelling in my Toyota pick up around Alaska and the western states of the US. Somehow, the back of that truck was more home than the stinky little room I was staying in in town and I loved it and actually looked forward to curling up in that thing. Some nights he would stay with me, and we would cuddle all night in a deep state of love. Home was with him. Wherever he was, I was home.
So finally, I found home on my own terms. I chose not a one bedroom apartment, but a big house, 4 bedrooms, perched up on a hill with a magnificient view of the mountains and a lake. And in the weeks of settling in here, I've found some peace and been able to sleep again which has made a huge difference in the degree of my emotional stability. I am feeling like I can start to make choices rather than just be led around by my rage and disappointment who just seem to taunt me and make a mess out of me. In finding home, I am feeling able to offer my self again to the world, and to my work and service. And I'm finding that I'm able to accept that the man I love truly does love me too, he just needs to find himself and explore life which really never needed to be as much of a big deal as my rage and disappointment have made it out to be.
The truth is, it's more like now we're boyfriend/girlfriend rather than partners and not much else has really changed in spite of all the drama. We eat dinner together often, soak at the gym, share movie and cuddle nights and eat ice cream, just the way we used to. I just can't dare say we're in a "relationship" or he gets fired up and frieked out. He's stayed with me an average of 3 nights a week in the past 3 months, and had another fling with a little stripper woman child with big boobs and absolutely no concept of personal responsibility for herself, and still came back to me again wanting to move past it. The passion of the love making has been unparalleled and the recognition and honoring of the truth of our relationship has been surfacing through all the challenges. I can feel how much he loves me and I him beyond all the human drama.
The first night I slept at my house, we slept in the truck because the smell from the wood floors was too intense to be inside, and he was holding me and we were talking about how afraid I am to lose him completely, and he said to me, "I'm not going anywhere, look 5 months and I'm still here aren't I? I care about you a lot, and I'm not going to disappear." I needed to hear that, and now I can see that it is true. He makes comments often about, "Someday when I build my house, I want you to live in it," and alludes to a future life with us pretty often and so what I am learning now is to accept that as a possibility as much as the possibility that I may indeed lose him forever to another woman, or me to another man. In my heart of hearts, he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I am learning to accept that maybe I just don't know what else is possible yet, and that this is the time to open up to other possibilities in my life.
I see him most days lately and against all advice from friends, I have chosen to continue to work with him and to work through things. It has born some sweet fruit for sure, we are on some levels, closer than ever, still awesome friends and I think it has helped him to recogonize how much he truly does care for me even though his actions don't always feel so considerate to me. I am also learning that he just is that way with everyone, and I don't need to take it so personally anymore.
This journey is longer than I could have imagined and I guess the only way one can truly understand it is to go through it. I always imagined myself a stronger woman than what I have proven to show up as. I certainly never thought I'd try to hang onto a man who cheated on me, lied to me, exposed me to STD's from his poor choices with women who have slept with half the men I know and who is clearly requesting space and distance from me. I certainly never thought I'd be up half the nite or all of the nite in anxiety, sorrow, grief and despair trying to figure out how I could win him back. I never thought I could push myself to the brink of questioning my will to live over a man, but alas... I have proven to be a woman, through and through with all of the heart wrenching aspects of the darker side of the feminine: jealousy, revengeful thoughts, anger, spite, depression, need, possessiveness... you name it, I've felt it all in these bones in these past 6 months.
Finally, a few weeks ago I started therapy, EMDR to be specific. I've learned that he is more like my father, mother and brother than I could have really seen clearly when we were together. I've learned that I have some pretty good reasons to feel all the crap that I have and that I'm actually doing OK, and pretty normal, regardless of how much HE tells me that I've been over reactive and over emotional. I've learned that I had pretty good reasons to feel the way I have between my old family crap, and the reality of his disrespect towards our love that I invested 8 years of my life in nurturing. I've learned that he has some pretty deep seated crap too and that I don't need to be constantly apologizing for what he helped to create in me, and mostly I am finally at last learning to find peace with the space.
One of the biggest pieces was that I learned that home was one of the main things he provided for me, a place of rest, a place I could feel safe and soft, and so I created one for myself. I spent months looking for a one bedroom apartment but hating the idea of living in a complex or in a basement or in a cramped space. I'm not an apartment dweller, maybe it's because my parents were landlords and I was in apartments cleaning and sweating my fingers to the bone too often to ever want to live in one. In the last month of my homelessness, I was sleeping in the back of his truck pretty often. I'd take it and drive up just on the edge of town and crawl in back and curl up and sink into the lonlieness, wishing his warm body was next to mine, feeling how sad this all seemed that he wouldn't even invite me to stay with him, when so many nights I allowed him to come curl up with me if he needed or wanted to. Somehow though, there was a sweetness to sleeping in the truck, I could hear the wind, feel it move the truck, I could hear the elements and it reminded me of my 20's when I was travelling in my Toyota pick up around Alaska and the western states of the US. Somehow, the back of that truck was more home than the stinky little room I was staying in in town and I loved it and actually looked forward to curling up in that thing. Some nights he would stay with me, and we would cuddle all night in a deep state of love. Home was with him. Wherever he was, I was home.
So finally, I found home on my own terms. I chose not a one bedroom apartment, but a big house, 4 bedrooms, perched up on a hill with a magnificient view of the mountains and a lake. And in the weeks of settling in here, I've found some peace and been able to sleep again which has made a huge difference in the degree of my emotional stability. I am feeling like I can start to make choices rather than just be led around by my rage and disappointment who just seem to taunt me and make a mess out of me. In finding home, I am feeling able to offer my self again to the world, and to my work and service. And I'm finding that I'm able to accept that the man I love truly does love me too, he just needs to find himself and explore life which really never needed to be as much of a big deal as my rage and disappointment have made it out to be.
The truth is, it's more like now we're boyfriend/girlfriend rather than partners and not much else has really changed in spite of all the drama. We eat dinner together often, soak at the gym, share movie and cuddle nights and eat ice cream, just the way we used to. I just can't dare say we're in a "relationship" or he gets fired up and frieked out. He's stayed with me an average of 3 nights a week in the past 3 months, and had another fling with a little stripper woman child with big boobs and absolutely no concept of personal responsibility for herself, and still came back to me again wanting to move past it. The passion of the love making has been unparalleled and the recognition and honoring of the truth of our relationship has been surfacing through all the challenges. I can feel how much he loves me and I him beyond all the human drama.
The first night I slept at my house, we slept in the truck because the smell from the wood floors was too intense to be inside, and he was holding me and we were talking about how afraid I am to lose him completely, and he said to me, "I'm not going anywhere, look 5 months and I'm still here aren't I? I care about you a lot, and I'm not going to disappear." I needed to hear that, and now I can see that it is true. He makes comments often about, "Someday when I build my house, I want you to live in it," and alludes to a future life with us pretty often and so what I am learning now is to accept that as a possibility as much as the possibility that I may indeed lose him forever to another woman, or me to another man. In my heart of hearts, he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I am learning to accept that maybe I just don't know what else is possible yet, and that this is the time to open up to other possibilities in my life.
I see him most days lately and against all advice from friends, I have chosen to continue to work with him and to work through things. It has born some sweet fruit for sure, we are on some levels, closer than ever, still awesome friends and I think it has helped him to recogonize how much he truly does care for me even though his actions don't always feel so considerate to me. I am also learning that he just is that way with everyone, and I don't need to take it so personally anymore.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Slowly I Return
Softly you return to me
like the doe walking thru the mists a dawn
Magical
Humble
Graceful
Curious
Aware of every sight and sound
I have been gone from you too long
Wandering in the fields of illusion
created by the saboteur in my mind
that wants to deny the truths of my soul
Slowly I am returning home
yet again
To start Anew
And I know when I am ready
Waiting there
Will be you.
like the doe walking thru the mists a dawn
Magical
Humble
Graceful
Curious
Aware of every sight and sound
I have been gone from you too long
Wandering in the fields of illusion
created by the saboteur in my mind
that wants to deny the truths of my soul
Slowly I am returning home
yet again
To start Anew
And I know when I am ready
Waiting there
Will be you.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Retun My Queen
Return to me
Your throne sits awaiting you
Atop my skillfully filled skull
overflowing with mindless chatter
Until the moment you arise in me
Then like rivers of glass
enchanting me your eyes meet mine
Remembrance is so divine
And all time stills as you pour me like wine
Sweetened by life's tragedies
Tainted by none
Deepened by tears of grief
Shined brilliant by the sun
Magically appearing
In the midst of cold black night
My Queen, your majesty I behold
Your presence is my insight
Even the blackest lump of lead
Returned to fine spun gold...
Even the aging heart of death
sprouts the seeds of young in old
Passing from one form to another
Wise crone, tender mother
Sacred whore betrayed by lustful men
Let's love again and again come in
Return to me
Sister of Grace and of Mercy
Your sword is sharp and quick to fall
where truth goes astray..
Warrior Queen
My Heart is yours
Forever More
Return to me
Stray no more.
Your throne sits awaiting you
Atop my skillfully filled skull
overflowing with mindless chatter
Until the moment you arise in me
Then like rivers of glass
enchanting me your eyes meet mine
Remembrance is so divine
And all time stills as you pour me like wine
Sweetened by life's tragedies
Tainted by none
Deepened by tears of grief
Shined brilliant by the sun
Magically appearing
In the midst of cold black night
My Queen, your majesty I behold
Your presence is my insight
Even the blackest lump of lead
Returned to fine spun gold...
Even the aging heart of death
sprouts the seeds of young in old
Passing from one form to another
Wise crone, tender mother
Sacred whore betrayed by lustful men
Let's love again and again come in
Return to me
Sister of Grace and of Mercy
Your sword is sharp and quick to fall
where truth goes astray..
Warrior Queen
My Heart is yours
Forever More
Return to me
Stray no more.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Medicating
Friday, June 18, 2010
I’m reading all this good philosophical and psychological stuff on the ego, the pain-body and how these entities aren’t really who we are, it’s not really our true selves, but it’s where we live most of the time and where we act and react from. Trying to get it, and feel that, and maybe it can help me out of this mess… something needs to or I may just go completely insane with it all. I did have some success this morning. Went to the Doctor yesterday and am for the first time in my life, medicating. Seems so ridiculous, but I don’t know where else to turn right now. I need to sleep and I need to calm down. Good news for me is they put me on a psychotropic, which is almost familiar enough to enjoy but makes me feel a little funky for sure.
Realizing and recognizing I am just holding on to some stupid need to try to make things better and heal, and that the healing has to start within me at this point. Really it’s all about me just finding a way to let go of the repetitive story in my head that just keeps haunting and hurting me.
I’m reading all this good philosophical and psychological stuff on the ego, the pain-body and how these entities aren’t really who we are, it’s not really our true selves, but it’s where we live most of the time and where we act and react from. Trying to get it, and feel that, and maybe it can help me out of this mess… something needs to or I may just go completely insane with it all. I did have some success this morning. Went to the Doctor yesterday and am for the first time in my life, medicating. Seems so ridiculous, but I don’t know where else to turn right now. I need to sleep and I need to calm down. Good news for me is they put me on a psychotropic, which is almost familiar enough to enjoy but makes me feel a little funky for sure.
Realizing and recognizing I am just holding on to some stupid need to try to make things better and heal, and that the healing has to start within me at this point. Really it’s all about me just finding a way to let go of the repetitive story in my head that just keeps haunting and hurting me.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Go to the Mountain and Pray
Today I took a hike to the medicine wheel that he and I used to hike to and pray at, the one we built together, journeyed at together and wept at together. Not for the sake of reminiscence, but because I needed to pray in nature and that was the right place for it.
I wept so deeply, even more deeply than I did yesterday. I wept to my core, I let my body shake with the pain, cried out to God as loud as the wailing wanted to come forth. Some poor college kid walked up in the midst of it and I pretended I didn’t see him and just kept crying because I needed to not stop the flow.
“Why God? Why do we hurt the people we love? Why are we so fucked up? Why couldn’t this have ended sweetly? Why did it have to get so fucked up? Why did you take him from me? I want to understand why humans have to hurt each other this way? I want to know, I want to understand. Please God send me some angel, some light, some way of knowing how to do this?” And I let the tears keep coming as long as they wanted, with sobbing and wailing free to be. Then I stood up and walked the circle, tapping sticks, wanting to sing, but no voice could come, so I prayed more. “Forgive me God. Forgive me for my lies, for my anger, for my mistakes with this man. Forgive me God for creating drama when I could have accepted what is, forgive me God for not listening to the many calls that were given to me. You gave me so many signs and I wouldn’t listen, I wouldn’t see, I wouldn’t pay attention. I was not listening and you were screaming at me. How many signs did you send me? How could I have been so blind? How can I forgive myself God? Please teach me to forgive myself. I can forgive him all of it, but I can’t forgive myself.”
Then it all dawned on me suddenly. Most of the pain I’ve been feeling, most of the remorse and the suffering are because of the way I have acted. I’ve been ashamed of my own behavior, I have been acting like I need him and my ego has been so attached to wanting him back, when really I could never go back to him. I need to forgive myself. I’ve forgiven him, I’m not even upset with him or mad at him, I’m angry at myself. Angry at myself for not listening, for not heeding the multitude of signs and signals. I am angry at myself for trying to hold onto something I need to set free.
I walked back down singing: “I am free” and I’ve been feeling blessed and blissed since! Think I will sleep well tonite. I am free.
I forgive myself for being scared, vulnerable and afraid of walking into my higher destiny. I forgive myself for not listening to the voice of love screaming at me that there is more for me. I forgive myself for acting out and for letting my ego rage. I forgive myself for hating myself.
I wept so deeply, even more deeply than I did yesterday. I wept to my core, I let my body shake with the pain, cried out to God as loud as the wailing wanted to come forth. Some poor college kid walked up in the midst of it and I pretended I didn’t see him and just kept crying because I needed to not stop the flow.
“Why God? Why do we hurt the people we love? Why are we so fucked up? Why couldn’t this have ended sweetly? Why did it have to get so fucked up? Why did you take him from me? I want to understand why humans have to hurt each other this way? I want to know, I want to understand. Please God send me some angel, some light, some way of knowing how to do this?” And I let the tears keep coming as long as they wanted, with sobbing and wailing free to be. Then I stood up and walked the circle, tapping sticks, wanting to sing, but no voice could come, so I prayed more. “Forgive me God. Forgive me for my lies, for my anger, for my mistakes with this man. Forgive me God for creating drama when I could have accepted what is, forgive me God for not listening to the many calls that were given to me. You gave me so many signs and I wouldn’t listen, I wouldn’t see, I wouldn’t pay attention. I was not listening and you were screaming at me. How many signs did you send me? How could I have been so blind? How can I forgive myself God? Please teach me to forgive myself. I can forgive him all of it, but I can’t forgive myself.”
Then it all dawned on me suddenly. Most of the pain I’ve been feeling, most of the remorse and the suffering are because of the way I have acted. I’ve been ashamed of my own behavior, I have been acting like I need him and my ego has been so attached to wanting him back, when really I could never go back to him. I need to forgive myself. I’ve forgiven him, I’m not even upset with him or mad at him, I’m angry at myself. Angry at myself for not listening, for not heeding the multitude of signs and signals. I am angry at myself for trying to hold onto something I need to set free.
I walked back down singing: “I am free” and I’ve been feeling blessed and blissed since! Think I will sleep well tonite. I am free.
I forgive myself for being scared, vulnerable and afraid of walking into my higher destiny. I forgive myself for not listening to the voice of love screaming at me that there is more for me. I forgive myself for acting out and for letting my ego rage. I forgive myself for hating myself.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Surrender to love
The process of letting go, of surrender, of finding peace in not having that which I desire is quite the journey of working with the ego. My ego is really needing more conversation, more dialogue, more time to process, more attempts at convincing, making him see the light, and ultimately suffering. The ego is such a trippy companion to observe.
Letting go doesn’t negate all that I feel, it doesn’t make it hurt less, it doesn’t make me think of him less, but my feeling is that if and when I can truly get to that place of letting go, then, and probably only then, will I find peace with it all. I can’t change what he wants or needs, and I can’t change how much I love him no matter how I try. That much I've finally accepted. What is is.
What I can change is how I am living in this experience inside. I can choose a little patience, allow more space, cultivate more love and connection with myself in this time and find the places I haven’t been giving enough to myself rather than focusing on what he isn’t giving me. I can find ways to give more to myself.
Tonite was one of the first nights since I returned from FL, and one of the few since I left Costa Rica that I have just allowed myself just to hang out with myself, my tabla and a good book. I did have a great nite in Crestone of that nature too. I really enjoyed being there with all that stillness and that great book on “The Way of Love.” I have had a very hard time just letting myself be alone and still, or even practicing. In the morning my thoughts are so troubled and all I want to do is talk to him, but he doesn’t answer the phone, doesn’t even turn the damn thing on anymore. I know it’s not just me, he has always had the tendency to avoid people thru non-communicative shut downs when he’s overwhelmed. Somehow it’s still hard not to take it personally when I so want to be heard.
Started another good book tonite, "The New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle, and it’s all about working with the ego and learning to act in higher, more conscious ways. It’s feeding me, that and the quietness of this night alone and in enjoyment of it at last.
Letting go doesn’t negate all that I feel, it doesn’t make it hurt less, it doesn’t make me think of him less, but my feeling is that if and when I can truly get to that place of letting go, then, and probably only then, will I find peace with it all. I can’t change what he wants or needs, and I can’t change how much I love him no matter how I try. That much I've finally accepted. What is is.
What I can change is how I am living in this experience inside. I can choose a little patience, allow more space, cultivate more love and connection with myself in this time and find the places I haven’t been giving enough to myself rather than focusing on what he isn’t giving me. I can find ways to give more to myself.
Tonite was one of the first nights since I returned from FL, and one of the few since I left Costa Rica that I have just allowed myself just to hang out with myself, my tabla and a good book. I did have a great nite in Crestone of that nature too. I really enjoyed being there with all that stillness and that great book on “The Way of Love.” I have had a very hard time just letting myself be alone and still, or even practicing. In the morning my thoughts are so troubled and all I want to do is talk to him, but he doesn’t answer the phone, doesn’t even turn the damn thing on anymore. I know it’s not just me, he has always had the tendency to avoid people thru non-communicative shut downs when he’s overwhelmed. Somehow it’s still hard not to take it personally when I so want to be heard.
Started another good book tonite, "The New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle, and it’s all about working with the ego and learning to act in higher, more conscious ways. It’s feeding me, that and the quietness of this night alone and in enjoyment of it at last.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)