The Turning In: The Final Chapter

After almost a whole year of deep self work, maddening depths of grief and anger, travel and playful digging into the wild side of myself, I am enjoying the journey of coming inward again as winter sets in and the Rocky Mountains turn to a crispy white. It's the time of year where I am content to stay home and write or read rather than go out on the town, and of course also the time of year when I start to think about getting to a warmer climate.

This year though, I'm not in a hurry. I am truly enjoying the turning of the seasons as I am feeling the turning in of myself. I feel seasoned, matured and ready to reflect on the journey I've been going through with an appreciative, happy heart and a curious mind. What else is possible? What other jewels are lying around on pages of journals I wrote in those times or within my own evolving heart and mind? What other little nuggets are coming forth to be shined into shimmering gold?

In 3 months it will be two full years since I left my relationship, and close to a year since the real "grand finale" actually played itself out. It feels like much longer. It feels like a small lifetime within a lifetime. It's almost impossiable to even remember what my life was like back then, it's like a vauge distant dream that almost doesn't seem like it ever even happened. I can't remember his touch, or how he smelled. I can't even remember having fun with him. I don't have any bad feelings or any good ones. I'm detached and I'm OK with that. I have no desire or need to talk to him, or see him and if I did see him I don't think I'd bother to stop and chat. It's really done within me and I'm perfectly content with it at last.

When I see the path that is unfolding, I am so grateful for every moment of it and I can see that every little piece of it was necessary in order for me to be here now.

I feel like a much different person than I was when this journey back to self began. I feel seasoned, clear and more grown up. I feel settled into my skin and safe in my own intuitive abilities to choose what is good for me and reject that which doesn't serve. I trust the people around me and know that I am now really in a flow that is bringing me into the woman I have always known that I truly am: wild, wise, free and blissed!

I have found peace as a solitary, soveriegn woman living in this world. I trust my wild primal intuitive abilities to listen with devoted attention to the wisdom that my years has brought me. The book doesn't end with me meeting my life partner and going happily ever after into another relationship: I don't need to find a man to make me complete or to fulfill me. The book ends with this woman looking in the mirror and smiling to herself and saying, "Good work! Life is so sweet. My joy and happiness are up to me and I'm choosing to be live in bliss because love wants to live me!"

The book ends with this woman looking at what is and loving every bit of it right down to the thread dangling off the corner of the pillow on the bed!

The Awakening is ON and the journey back to self continues in every moment, every breath and every day!

If and when a king arrives, the queen will be chillin out sipping wine in gratitude for the sun setting over the lake! If he doesn't, she will still be smiling from ear to ear and dancing to every groove life brings!

Awaiting Peace

11:45 PM
I lay down to sleep sinking into the voice of positive affirmations reminding me to remember the truths that sometimes I begin to doubt. Somehow, unbelievably, almost 5 months from the last time we made love and well over a year since we officially separated, he still haunts me. Somehow, in the moments before I go to sleep and in those pre-dawn moments, my heart still aches for him and I am so sick of it! There is no way in hell I could even consider going back to him or taking him back so why does my mind not accept that as reality?

I start to drift off, fitfully, still hearing those wonderful affirmations trying to convince my broken heart and twisted mind that everything really is going to be better than I can ever imagine. For a moment I sleep, then the thought of him with the woman he replaced me with in less than 12 hours crosses my mind, and as if on cue, I hear the voice in my earphones say, "I do not look back into the past and put my mind only on the manifestation of those things which I want to be coming into my life now. The universal mind knows no past and by the law of attraction, everything I need is awaiting me now." Yet I still don't sleep. The entire audio track plays thru and now it is 2 AM and I am still wide awake, frustrated, cold and aching all the way to my core.

I walk into the house as if it was my own, maybe it once was. My mother is with me as well as 2 other friends. His new woman is in the kitchen, I walk in and say about 5 words to her, in essence something like, "I'm here to get my stuff," and think to myself "You stupid ignorant pathetic woman, you're so clueless to the truth." The house is big, he is upstairs, sleeping as usual probably and while part of me wants to rage up stairs and shake him senseless, another part of me is so sickened I know that even to see him would make me do and say things that would create far more suffering than I need to be responsible for. My elderly mother is needing the bathroom, and I'm feeling strangely empowered and out of place at the same time in this house that once was mine with his new, younger, fatter and not nearly as attractive as I am partner hiding in the kitchen in some kind of stupor and fear, maybe of having to face the truth of the rebound that she is for him.

I go to the altar and grab my tarot cards, and crystals and a few other things and head for the door. My mother is having some trouble in the bathroom, and in the meantime, she walks upstairs, going to bed with my ex, leaving us in the living room and I am terrified at what I am feeling capable of.

I wake up alarmed and disturbed, my heart aching with full intensity wondering if he's with her now in the "real" world. Is he awake thinking of me too somewhere, is he happy? Are they getting married, having a child? "Geez girl, go back to sleep and GET OVER IT already. How long are you going to let this take power from you?" But I don't sleep. I lay there wanting to cry and trying as hard as I can not to until dawn comes: another nite stolen by this heartbreak.

I start my day in a dreary mood, feeling at the edge of tears in spite of the sun shining gloriously on the mountains. I am incapable of doing anything more than just laying in the grass listening to the creek and feeling the sun on my body, and writing a few poems.

On my mind and not helping much with my self esteem is the fact that a few nites ago I went out dancing and went home with a very young famous snowboarder. I knew there would be passion and I guess some part of me was ready for it, for some distraction, some release and I think I was hoping an opportunity to nurture and be nurtured. This one was more animal than man though, and was so physically perfect I was blinded. Every inch of him, pure muscle from hours of training and perfecting his work on the slopes. His skin was smooth, brown and so soft next to mine and I let him more or less ravage me. At some point I realized I might be in a dangerous situation and also couldn't help but see that my heart hurt so much that even the possibility of him forcing himself into me wasn't enough to make me leave. Despair leading to total lack of self care and self respect? Really? Me? Well, he was exceptionally hot and his sexy voice speaking in German, then English, and his hands literally ripping at my flesh somehow were stimulating me in ways I'd never really experienced and so I let myself stay even when I felt his hand starting to close around my throat for a second and a warning sign flashed into my mind that I needed to be really on guard, that this man might very likely be capable of raping me.

He wasn't tender, nor was he sensitive, he was rough, hard, and like an animal and left me feeling ravaged, nearly raped and a cross between repulsed and delicious. It wasn't all bad, there were moments of tenderness and sweet soft kisses, but this one was just intense and very strong and willful. I let him into me for a very short moment, I'm not sure whether it was that I really wanted him or that I was afraid if I didn't let him in he'd force himself in and I wanted to have control of that. I flipped him over and held his hands down and rode him hard until I came and then told him he had to stop, he'd hurt me with his intensity and strength, which was true.

Am I the monster or him now? Of course I haven't heard from him, nor do I really expect to. We were really just two people who used each other for a nite of passion play, and I am now left feeling cheapened by the repercussions of my own heartbreak and it's effect on so many parts of my life. I am here now just awaiting peace.

Saas Fe

My mostly naked body welcomes the scorching sun's ravenous body licking. My mind is soothed by the sound of the creek's constant breath rolling over the rocks. The glacier's jutting down between the rocks tempts me to push past the pain in my knee for an escape from the mundane boring ness of cafe's and tourist shops.

I want to walk free again, to climb the faces of these mountains, to run, to dance, to be whole and not in pain anymore. Since the accident, the one where I totalled my car, my knee hasn't been the same. I'm pretty sure the meniscus is toast, but the Dr.s seem to think they know my body better than I do. I guess living in it every single day of my life doesn't really give me much authority to know what's going on.

Today I must find all of my strength, solace and nourishment just laying here near town in the shadow of the glacier by the cold silty blue green creek in a field of beautiful wild flowers. Life could be worse.

I am Saas Fe, Switzerland. My first time in Europe and I end up here in this amazingly beautiful little ski town with perfect idealic peaks and lush thick valleys that beckon me to hobble on into the sunset and not come back.

Just being here is an amazing blessing. I am enrolled in a Master's Program for Conflict Transformation and Peacebuilding, and I'm not even sure how it all happened. I don't feel that inspired yet by the program and am having some major doubts on whether I chose well or not. I'm beginning to think I'm here because I couldn't stop running.

Hence the knee. I've been running since the break up. Doing everything I could to keep busy, stay away from where he might be, keep out of town, distracted, full, and not letting my empty heart hurt too much for fear of falling back into the abyss of depression and despair. I've been going dancing as many nights as my fat swollen knee will let me and I know it's not doing any good for the poor little meniscus in there, but dancing is my pain killer and the tequilla and wine help to numb the knee enough to get me through the night.

It's not hard to see what I'm doing to myself. I'm playing with the men I'm dating more than seriously considering them as worthy of my devotion. I'm aching deep within while the outside is having a blast and revelling in my sensuality and physicality. I guess I don't know how else to get through it right now and even being able to see it, I'm not interested in shifting it. This is part of my journey and somehow I know this will shift in time to the stillness and by then I'll be through the worst of it and ready to be still.

That's what winter is for anyway.

The Next Chapter: Moving Into Mastery

Flying over the Atlantic in a timeless world between the US and Europe with a full night of travel ahead, I am relaxed. I am moving into grace and I can feel this next phase of my life holding the potential I've been working towards all year.

New life again at 40. There is no going back now to the life I once had. The life I shared with a man who I have finally had to accept as a coward, a liar and someone I can not trust in any way to be real with me. I'm a woman that needs realness. I have almost no tolerance for games and stories, and increasingly less it seems every day.

Single life has been getting better all the time too, I must say. I haven't been in any hurry to fill up the space he left or try to soothe the ripping hole in my heart, and as a result, I am enjoying the company of many men who are all showing me different aspects of myself and the masculine that I need to explore. It's like a wine tasting party of delightful men. A little sip here, clean the palette and a tiny taste of that one please.

I feel ready for this new life. Ready to face challenges and grow up into the woman I know I've been gestating for the last decade. I feel loved and supported by my community and finally truly feel happy, content and really pretty much OK with what life is presenting.

The men who are showing up in my life are all so supportive, and most importantly they are honest! Halleuijafrikkin-leuijah! Bring it on.

Cuba 5: Meeting the Angel

A huge beautiful man, 6'3, soft but strong, Ishmael is indeed an angel and I'm quite sure he's been sent from God for me to protect and guide me on this journey. He anchors me here in this dusty town as a place and person of refuge and comfort. Our connection is truly as artists respecting each other and as brother/sister family love. What a welcomed relief to spend so much quality time with a beautiful, elegant, refined artist of a man with no sexual overtones. He is so kind always to me, and we are learning to communicate pretty well in Spanglish though I'm sure at least half of what he tells me I mis-interpret or don't fully understand.

We can be silly and free together like children, and his child self, at 48, is so pure and so precious when it comes out to play. we laugh a lot and his smile lites up my world every day I am here. I picked him and was divinely guided to him thru some kin fo intuitive magic for sure.

Frankie and I were walking thru town the first nite strolling in the bliss or our reconnection in this amazing place and came across a man who was happy to hear us speaking English. Turns out this guy lives in the same town as my brother and was in Cuba visiting his father. I was sharing with him that I had come to Cuba to study and explore the Santeria religion and he got really excited and told me there was a cermemony happening right behind his father's house and we should go check it out! In my "first nite in Cuba" ignorance, I assumed it would be going on for a long time and took my time getting there with Frankie in tow. It was just ending when we arrived and I stood there not knowing what to do or how to make contact but knowing I had been led here by spirit the first nite so that I could immediately start the work I had come to do!

Frankie was sure if I initiated contact right then that we'd be sacrificed on the spot, and we laughed hysterically about that story, lingering around outside watching the white dressed Santos pouring out of the house. Then I saw this large man and I knew somehow that he was the one I needed to talk to and lingered around til he started to walk off and then followed him, with Frankie encouraging me not to make contact and to come back in the daylight. When he was a few hundred paces from the house, I said hello and introduced myself and in my pathetic spanish explained to him that I wanted to respect his culture and also that I was here to learn and could he help me! That was how I met Ishmael, my beautiful angel friend!

Cuba 4: Cuba calling: the Frankie Connection

More and more as I travel the world I recognize I am not a resident of one small town, but a being who can find home anywhere I go because I am at home in my own skin and more and more so. Being in one place 365 days a year all the time is like a kind of purgatory for me, maybe worse than death (though I dont know about that yet). Always and forever in one place, now especially at this time in my life, and as fast as the world is changing and cultures are disappearing, seems like a waste of opportunity for me right now. The world is so big and there is so much to learn from other cultures! I'm at the beginning of a new life and ready to create a life of adventure and sensual exploration of the arts. As the winds blow, so shall I go.

I'm a simple woman really, but not so easily coerced into domesticity. The culture I was born into is not the truth of my heart and soul. I am called to explore all of myself in this life: with or without the companionship of a partner. I chose Cuba to begin this cycle with because it's what presented itself so clearly. To be invited by a beautiful man I barely knew, and to have the time and money to go was enough of a reason, that he was also somewhat intriguing to me the first time we'd met certainly helped.

I met him in my past life that is no longer real, at a time when I was more or less falling apart. The thing I liked about him right away, other than the obvious instant magnetic chemistry and physical attraction I felt between us, was that he was funny. A man who can make me laugh is always appreciated. We laughed the whole time we were together and I appreciated that he was able to even laugh at himself. A sign for me of a certain honesty is when we can get real and recognize the ridiculousness of our own behaviors. He wasn't shy about showing his attraction to me either which of course every woman secretly loves. I won't forget the way his big chocolate eyes devoured me and had already made me his lover in his mind before we even spoke. At the time, however, I wasn't interested in making my head any more jumbled by men than it already had been and he seemed like a bit of a project, drunk and wanton and perhaps a bit immature for a man his age.

Nearly 6 months later, I caught wind that he was going to Cuba thru Facebook of all things and somewhat jokingly mentioned on an IM Chat with him that I wanted to go to Cuba, and that was that. In less than 24 hours we were making plans to meet in Havana.

I barely recognized him at first at the airport when he came to meet me, but those big eyes caught me and I drowned in them for a few moments before getting a grip. This man has those eyes that are big and so innocent and pure like an ocean, but one than can consume, devour and empty a woman all at once with what is going on beneath the surface. Everything in me wanted him, and everything in me was screaming, "WARNING WARNING" at the same time! Of course, we were instantly laughing, being ridiculous and loving every minute together.

I came to Cuba with a mission of sorts and perhaps at first, he was a part of that mission. The mission was to gift myself a time out of time and to dedicate myself to the pursuit of my pleasures: music, dance, sensuality, magic, ceremony and adventure. Beyond that was a deeper thread: to re-dedicate myself to my path as a drummer and ceremonial explorer and to learn as much as I could about the traditions and culture of the religion of Santeria. It has held much interest for me over the years I've played drums and worked in ceremony and I have dreamt of coming to Cuba for years to experience the real thing first hand. The fact that this beautiful big eyed man opened the door in a critical time of re-discovery was no small synchronicity for me, and I will be eternally grateful for his presence as the gate keeper.

Our first nites together were magical. Walking thru the streets having magical syncrhonic portals open everywhere I stepped, sipping wine on street side restaurants, sharing the stories of our lives was all so sweet and nurturing. The tension between us was intense in moments and a part of me was so ready to pull him in and devour him. Yet there was also a certain respect between us for the maturity we both have earned by being scarred by past relationships that seemed to prevail and keep us at a safe distance. In moments he'd give me this look that said everything he couldn't say, or act upon and I grew to admire his will power and discernment and to see his vulnerability and fears. It didn't take long for me to realize he was just a scared little boy in there and that the kindest thing I could do would be to steer clear of intimacy or romance with him. I would end up crushing him or vice versa and one of us was sure to get damaged.

He's gone now, and I'm on this rock alone. Somedays I feel like the only white woman in Cuba. I spend much of my time with the angel I met the first nite here, Ishmael and with my drum teachers.

Cuba 3: Poverty & Global citizen

The colors on this rock are vibrantly decaying. The salt air and the wind, combined with years of neglect out of a lack of resources have made for a strangely beautiful and surreal urban landscape here. The music gets into me, even without my attention it moves me magically and with ease. Sitting at one of Hemmingway's favorite spots where Old Man and the Sea took form, I am irresistbly rocking on my stool to a little trio covering Buena Vista Social Club's music, while a German tourist next to me buys cigars at ridiculously overpriced tourist rates.

I can't help but smile at the beautiful weirdness that Cuba is. I've visited some beautiful places and loved a lot of cultures around the world. Cuba though, has my heart in a new way. Far from an ideal place to live, or even visit, it's magic moves me in profoundly intoxicating ways. It's not easy to get things here, and some days I hope I can drink enough water as it seems the stores are always running out of bottled water. The people, by some standards, are poor, but no one is starving or without a place to live. Most people are actually plump enough to look like they'd last a while if they needed to. Obesity isn't uncommon and though much of that comes from poor food, it also speaks to the fact that there is indeed enough food to get fat on! So would I say people here are really poor? No, but I'm looking at poverty perhaps thru a different lens than most do. When I was in India, I never thought of them as poor either. Cash poor? Yes, indeed. Resource poor? Perhaps. Yet what I see in Cuba isn't so much poverty as it is a lack of and poor distribution of available resources.

What they are lacking in money is balanced by what they have in community and family. At nite, the streets are lit up and every porch hosts several people talking, sitting in their rockers chatting about the life they are sharing. Passers by shout out at their friends and neighbors as they go by, and it's now become my custom as I walk by my friend Ishmael's home to shout out "Shmael" and by Jesus's home "Oya Jesus." In less than one month I feel local, and in fact the first night I was here I felt more at home than I usually do in my own hometown.

Sensuality of Woman: Cuba 2

My hips love to walk slowly as if they are making love with the earth with every step. I love the way they feel swishing in perfect time above my feet and sitting just under my navel. Walking slow is one of my favorite meditations and letting the hips bring me into my bliss is the sweet added benefit of being in a woman's body!

This, to me, is one of the secrets about being a woman that I would imagine must befuddle the common man. All I need to do to feel orgasmic bliss is just sink into my hips and feel what lives there. No external stimulation is needed, no coddling or cooing, just a nice slow walk on a beautiful day with the wind licking my skin and I am flowing with the juices of life dripping out of me.

The confusion for men it seems, is that they think it's just for them! A man will see me walking in this bliss and think I'm sexy or attractive. I am alive and letting life pulse up from the earth and down from the heavens into my heart. That young man whistling at me now as I walk, who's probably no more than half my age, gets easily turned on by my bliss walk, and I smile as I contemplate how confounding it must be for men sometimes to witness the Sensuality that is so naturally and effortlessly Woman.

Sensual is defined as pleasing to the physical senses and while it certainly can and often does have "sexual" connotations, it's definition can indeed be expanded as we evolve in our consciousness and connection with Source and our own inner selves.

Union with God and self can indeed be a very sensual and yummy experience as we open up to the passionate experience of life experiencing itself through us. The woman who knows this divine flow in this intimate way has no "need" of a man to please her, and that makes her all the more attractive somehow it seems. She is filled with passionate purpose and pleasure is her natural domain. An awakened woman is sexy because she derives pleasure simply from being in her body. (A sensually awakened man is likewise a very attractive and beautiful vision to witness.)

However, the anatomy of a woman is far more receptive to energy in a much more amplified volume for much longer periods of time than that of a male. The channels are naturally more open and because a woman is often more in touch with the earth and it's cycles, she can receive a constant current of this bliss if she is willing and open to feel all that she is capable of feeling.

There seems to be some confusion amongst many men (& some women it's true) that women dress and move in sexy or sensual ways just to attract men. While that may hold some truth for some women, I'd love to offer a little clarity though and from a woman's perspective:

A woman can be & often is sensual and sexy not to please a man, but because it feels so damn good to swish the hips and roll the bliss! It truly is her Divine Birthright!

My new friend here walks with me often and I love just walking and talking with him for hours. Sometimes I think he can feel that sensual swish & sway too. Perhaps not too many men do, but I think in the Caribbean a few more men do than in the US. They dance, for one, and a man who can dance has a lot going for him and more opportunity to tap into the Divine Essence of the sensuality of life.

My body is ripe for a lover but feeling as good as I have been lately without one and just making love with God again, cultivating my sensuality and my love affair with the wind, is satisfying me fully right now. The trouble with men is their resistance. They are too often scared it seems. Scared to surrender themselves fully to the very thing they truly desire which is the love and devotion of one good woman. I spent nearly a decade with a man who I thought had courage only to discover that he too was just a fearful child, scared to be alone and hiding in the nurturance and comfort of woman to escape becoming a strong empowered man. It was his fear ultimately that ruined us. I left him so he could find himself and he couldn't do it. He went right from me to another woman, and then another and another and couldn't even take a day to be without the apron strings.

Being a single woman at mid-age isn't all bad. It's actually pretty nice to feel delicious and independent again; to move on my own flow, to linger when I want to, to invite company or not.

There are so many beautiful men on this rock, but for most I can see that they are unawakened and have no concept of how to really pleasure a woman or what it means to truly merge as divine counterparts. Few men truly do. Like many women, they are poorly programmed, and so the sad state of confusion, and dis-satisfaction between man and woman continues. This, to me, is one of the biggest trajedies I see in the modern world. Unsatisfied poorly programmed women met by men who have been equally poorly programmed to think a woman's job is to please her man by being sexy. When in reality, an awakened man is pleased most by pleasing and taking care of the needs of a woman who, with or without him, is alive and sensually awakened just by the touch of the wind on her skin.

If it means another three year round of celibacy to wait for a lover worthy of this love and this temple, then I will wait. For today, the wind is serving me quite well and I am grateful to know that my standards and needs are worth waiting for a worthy match!

Wind Bliss: Cuba 1

Nothing could feel better than this wind on my skin right now. The palm trees are serenading me in whispy waves of sonic sweetness and as my eyelids peel open I see now the beginnings of this new life.

There is no past, at last. Finally I am free. No one here cares or needs to know about it, and quite frankly, nor do I anymore. There is only now moving into more moments of now to receive me.

Good wind is better than sex for me. It takes away all the pain, offers a resting place in it's caress that no man's touch can ever offer. The wind knows every curve of my body, appreciates every hair on my head, and leaves me satiated to the core of my being.

I'd take the wind as my lover any day over a man if I could. The wind responds to me, even now, suddenly picking up and blasting me full force as I acknowledge her power over me. She can carry me to the far reaches of this earth and beyond, drop me at will, or leave me breathless with desire for more of her savory, intimate body licking.

For now, and that is all there is is "Now" now, I live on a rock in the middle of the ocean. Loving the wind is a lucky thing because it blows like wild here sometimes for days non-stop. When she rages the seas froth and crash against this rock with fury. when she quiets the gentle lapping of the sea soothes me. Still I would take her over a man even in her mysterious comings and going. She at least always delivers! The wind never needs coddling or fixing or any attention from me to bring it's gifts forth. She is always changing yet Her essence remains the same forevermore.

I've been her on this rock for less than a month, but it feels more like a year already. I saunter down these dusty streets and alleys carefree and no one ever looks at me as if I don't belong. Even as clear as it must be that I don't, I've never even had anyone here raise an eyebrow at me as I am cutting thru their alleys and backyards, talking to their dogs as if they were my own, in what must sound like pretty garbled Spanish to them. No one seems to notice or care that there's a middle aged white woman cruising thur the village falling in love with a way of life that they'd love to leave behind.

Most people here want to go to the US or Spain, or Italy. As usual the BS propaganda of modern culture has confused their minds to believe that the grass is greener with cell phones and techno-culture, and that more money is the way to more happiness, even if it's at the cost of time with your family and friends and in reality isolates you from your community. Somehow, everyone around the world has bought this same story: hook, line and sinker and all the truly good quality things in life have been underrated and undervalued.

The wind brings me home here. I grew up not so far from this rock, so perhaps she knows my name here and remembers my prayers offered over and over across the sea. That's the past too though, and none of that is real anymore either.

All we ever really have is this moment: NOW. While it is always fleeting, it is always present. It is the stillpoint between the worlds: Past----NOW----Future. It is really the only place of peace we can have. It's the only reality there is and how we interact with it somehow seems to have a great effect on the stories we leave behind and put forth into tomorrow.

Now tells me everything in saying nothing and nothing is in everything. The rational mind can't really comprehend any of it but somehow the soul and spirit are fully in alignment in the present moment if we can just be here Now.

Cuba Entry ? Unknown Order?

Jesus Limon Morales: My teacher and Renowned Afro-Cuban Music Composer in Cuba


My teachers invited me to a Santeria Ceremony a few days ago. I accepted with full enthusiasm, having no real idea what I was getting myself into but really excited to have been invited in my first week here to experience a ceremony in this ancient tradition first hand. Somehow in my mind, I created a vision of what I thought it might be, both from their enthusiasm and the fact that it seemed like everywhere I looked,as we were getting ready to depart, there were Santos whirling about. I assumed they were all going to the same event. I was visualizing this huge gathering, maybe outdoors somewhere with hordes of drummers and dancers from all over the area. My new friend Jose, the guitar player, warned me to keep my eyes open and protect my heart. He thought I might be too emotionally open and that it could be dangerous for me to not keep my guard up. "You may see things you have never seen before, so be careful and don't let yourself get emotionally involved." Those words of course made the suspense and excitement grow in leaps and bounds!

Ishmael, my angel already, walked with me in his snazzy white pants and sharp shoes to get a cab and we all climbed in and took off on my first adventure into exploring this religion and culture that is Santeria. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into, but my heart told me it was right, good and safe and I trusted in that knowingness fully! I wonder what they think of this little white woman who has just shown up in their lives like a sponge to absorb their wisdom and witness their lives. I am so comfortable with these beautiful people. I've never been here, but it's familiar in ways I can't explain, and they are familiar in spirit like some family I've returned home to. I'm walking in and out of people's homes as if I've been here for years or my whole life, and this is only the 5th day here! I'm jumping fully into this with all of my being and loving every minute of it! Somehow I know they can see and feel that my heart and intentions are pure and I feel like that's why things have opened up for me so quickly and effortlessly!

We got to the ceremony and I was simutaneously relieved and disappointed that it was a small, intimate house ceremony with about 25 people. This was a very safe container and a very safe place to be and the intimacy was welcomed. I was instantly engrossed in the moment and the spectacle that was already in full swing when we arrived. The ceremony was held at a home in a neighboring town, a little apartment style house with a small living space that was jam packed full of people. As we entered, we doused our foreheads and hands with rose petal water to clean and purify ourselves. No one really seemed to acknowledge anything out of the ordinary when the little white woman walked in, so I felt like it was OK that I was there though I wouldn't say I exactly felt "welcomed" right away. It was an intense vibe. No one (except Jesus) smiled at me or really even looked at me for quite a while. My teachers were drumming and singing beautiful Orisha chants in Yoruba and this little living room was rocking! I was dancing and in bliss right away and my heart was smiling the biggest smile ever! The dream is alive.

An elder woman sat in the corner, eyes closed, swaying back and forth with the drums, deeply in trance next to the drummers. Jesus Sr. was playing the bell in a blue silk shirt, ragged jeans and a blue khaki cap topping his smiling head. He would give me the biggest toothiest grin, and be singing the songs with really big mouth gestures to try to help me get the words. His big joyful eyes drew my heart to opening right away! So much for Jose's warning! The music was so powerful, so beautiful and alive as Jesuscito (Jesus Jr) would call out the songs and everyone else would sing the responses. I gained mad respect for the Jesus's skill today. They are such skilled musicians and spirit guides! These two men are my new rhythm friends and I totally feel and understand their hearts in service to the people thru rhythm. I couldn't help but feel amazed and overwhelmingly grateful that spirit has so quickly brought me to these masters to learn and experience this magic that is Santeria.

It wasn't long after we arrived that the woman in the corner started shaking and convulsing. Spirit was taking her on a journey. A woman in a green shirt fell into possession and thrashed about nearly knocking over the altar in her violent gestures, head snaps and pops. Another woman, dressed in red popped next and so it went into whirling stumbling trances and possessions, people getting occassionally carried out when they got too high. Throughout the 3 hours, there were several intermittent episodes of the elder woman in the corner getting up and pushing every one else out of the way in her reeling and flopping around, stumbling and falling into the drums, then opening her eyes to see the support of her community and family witnessing her trance, she would smile and go back in. I gathered that the ceremony had some special significance for her healing as she seemed to be given special treatment and space. Just as in our ceremonies with the Muse work, Firedance, etc. the dancer was watched and kept safe by the others present, and more than once this elder woman fell into my arms and was supported to re-enter her trance by a place to lean into and re-group.

All the while Jesus just kept hammering the most beautiful grooves and ecstatic trance with his voice and the rhythms merging into shared communion with spirit, self and community. Sofiah, a tiny wrinkled woman with no teeth danced next to me for the whole ceremony, grabbing my arm or hitting me softly when she was really feeling it, her squinty eyes smiling out at me from the wrinkles. She was adorable and so loving having my company there to share the journey with her. All the women were so given to the dance and we danced together for 3 hours joining in a universal place beyond the physical realm that transcends all differences.

I laughed thinking of Jose's "warning" a few hours ago! How could my heart be anything but open here? There was nothing to protect myself from or be afraid of, and I knew there would be nothing here that was unfamiliar to me or scary in any way. I have seen in my work with drum and dance all kinds of states of trance, possession and spirit magic and even though much of it has not been "traditional" in the way that this is, still spirit moves people thru rhythm in very similar ways energetcially. This is my home! The world of spirit, rhythm, trance, dance and magic is no place I could even consider closing my heart to. This living room and everyone in it know and understand the same heart/spirit space that I do, they understand this connection, and all of us were there together in harmony and total surrender to the rhythm spirits.

The trance brought the older woman back to the dance and after some time of wobbling around and stumbling, she suddenly stood up straight and opened her eyes again. It was as if something in her had lifted and been cleansed, or healed. Her smile was bright and she looked 20 years younger. She picked up a bouquuet of basil and thrashed us all good with it, hitting the young men squarely on their crotches as if to acknowledge their naughtiness, the she sat back down by the drums and went inside again.

The ceremony closed with a beautiful chant to Elegua and a path was made to the door for Elegua to go on his way. We shared sweets and I discovered I indeed have a spirit family here in Cuba. We have danced together, shared our hearts and witnessed each other in altered states of consciousness created solely by music and entrainment. We are now family in a way only those of us who know this path can know or understand fully. It is an unbreakable bond to share this kind of experience. When I walked in no one smiled at me, but now we were all smiling and hugging each other.

I am living a dream I've been dreaming of for a lot of years and I'm choosing today to say that this is just the beginning! Returning to the Roots and loving every minute!

Day 3/Cuba: Journal Entry from the Trip to the Rock in the Caribbean

Day 3 here on this rock in the Caribbean Sea. I feel rebellious and so blissed out of my gourd I can barely stand it. Officially, by record, I'm nowhere, I've disappeared and some part of me wonders what would happen if I just didn't go back in 3 weeks. If it were all over tomorrow and a big wave came up and swept me away, I'd die content. I've had an amazing life, and the magic that has happened here in the past 3 days would have me flying back to source with a big smile on my face knowing I have lived a dream I've had for many years!

My first night, my friend Frank and I were wandering around the streets of this little ocean village and came across a man who amazingly spoke English. There aren't many here. I told him I was here seeking to learn about the Santeria Religion and Rhythms, and he informed me that he'd just heard some drumming behind his house and gave me directions. We hunted down the house and the Bembe (Santos ceremony of music, song and dance) was just ending. People in white were filtering outside and dispersing into the streets. Since I had just landed, I hadn't yet had any time to get a grasp on what is acceptable and how to approach this, so I was feeling a mixture of total excitement, and some nervousness about approaching anyone. Especially since my Spanish is far from fluent still! I could feel this little buzz in my heart and couldn't believe my good fortune that the very first night I am here, I would come upon this so quickly!

So I hovered outside, and Frank was encouraging me to wait til the morning and come back to the house and ask. Me being me though, I just didn't want to wait til morning for what I could maybe initiate now. So I hovered, and watched and waited and Frank and I cracked jokes about having ourselves sacrificied for being there hovering outside of their sacred space cracking jokes about being sacrficied! A very tall man somehow energetically caught my attention, and I decided he was the one I would approach, or maybe Spirit had decided for me. I was laughing at myself, "Sure pick the biggest guy around who looks the most intimidating and start there!" As he left, I grabbed Frank by the arm and followed him down the street, and I don't think Frank was super comfortable with all of this by the way. We followed him until he was about 100 yards from the house and I attempted to communicate in my limited Spanish that with all due respect, I had a question and would he be willing to grant me permission to ask. He was gracious, looked at me kind of funny at first (probably my Spanish), and said, "Si." When I told him I was interested in learning about the religion and the music, he gave a big smile and told me to come to his house, which we were now standing in front of, the next day at 10 AM and he would have someone there to teach me. His name was Ishmael, and I feel somehow like he is an angel indeed brought to me, or I to him to start this magical journey!

The next day I showed up at Ishmael's home. Ishmael is a big, beautiful, mature man, maybe in his late 40's, tall, elegant and with a tender heart and a kind way about him. He showed me his altars in his home honoring the different Orisha's of his tradition, Ilegua (the keeper of the doors between the worlds) lives behind his door to guard the opening to the house, Ogun & Chango were in the living room near the kitchen and assured me that "poco a poco" I would come to know more. I was glad I came with atleast a little knowledge of Santeria and the Orisha's from my time exploring on my own and my own spiritual guidance that has cracked open those doors for me. His house was tidy, and simple like most homes there and he led me out back to the "yard" which really is just a concrete slab with a tree coming out of it where I would be taking my lessons.

The doors here are opening for me and quickly. Everywhere I look there are Santos,and I have learned a lot in just a few short days about the religion. I have taken 2 drum classes already with Jesus Limon Morales and his son Jesucito. As it turns out, Jesus Limon Morales is a pretty well known composer (some here say "famosa") of Afro Cuban music here, so miraculously, in this little village by the sea, I was led to some pretty solid real deal connections!

The first lesson I was a little nervous I guess and had a really hard time with the language barrier, but it was beautiful because even with that, we were still able to have this profound conversation about how singing, drumming and dancing activate the mind to heal and help us to connect in ways that nothing else really does. I felt like these two men I'd just met understand something I know and feel that it seems few others do. They really understand the body/mind/spirit connection of the rhythms and their effects. They understand how it opens the portal to the Divine.
I felt like we understood each other on this whole other level, a very real level somehow and I left feeling more connected in just a few short hours to these men than I do to a lot of people I have known for years and realizing that the people I feel the most "family" with in my heart are those who understand these truths fully.

I am here with deep and ancient spirits, my teachers lineage goes back generations in the Santeria tradition, all the way back to the Yoruba roots. In a few days they are taking me to my first ceremony here and I am feeling very honored and blessed to feel the portals opening to me here! I rest tonite giving thanks for every part of the journey that has brought me here now.

Initiation: Returning to the Roots

My shower tonite felt like a ritual. Tomorrow I fly to Cuba for 20 days and I feel like it is some kind of overdue long awaited intiation.

Memories of a circle in Florida, playing all night long where I felt the Orisha's dancing my body, where I first began to understand the reality of spirit posession and it's power and purpose. Memories of a night in Georgia where they ripped through my core and overtook me fully and I became their vessel for play and expression. So many memories of these Rhythm Spirits, some so far back in my consciousness I know they weren't from this life. I have been tentative to approach them, but I have been called more than once to hear their voices.

I bathed tonite in release of my past and in surrender to this unique path of rhythm and magic that is my life's passion and purpose.

I hear them calling me home and at last I have found the courage to answer.

Returning To The Joy of Life!

Woke up this morning to the sounds of a billion birds singing joyful exaltations for the new day! I had been lulled to sleep by an awesome sonic soundscape of night birds, insects and who knows what else that prowls around the jungle in the dark of night and somehow that combination of going into sleep and awakening within the sonic temple of the jungle always brings me to a state of deep introspection and quietude laced with this bliss that nothing else can touch! Hmm... imagine that! Nature bringing me back home to my own state of stillness and perfection!

The sounds and vibrations are my medicine and a point of surrender here in the jungle. They always touch my heart and soul in a way that brings me to such an ecstatic joy, and being really honest of course, sometimes also a deep melancholy ache to want to share it with a beautiful man's arms wrapped around me or cuddled into my chest. I can't lie, I love to share these moments more than maybe any other, though I also truly relish them in solitude and alone.

Even in the ecstatic bliss of dawn's dazzling cacophony here in heaven on earth,waking up is still a vulnerable moment for me. Being gentle on myself, it's really only been 5 weeks since I've been really away from my ex and since we were still cuddling 3-4 nites a week even thru the whole year of the "break up," I guess I can have a little compassion for myself that some days I wake up still longing for that intimacy we once had. He lived with me here in this jungle world for 3 months last year, and there are lingering traces that come thru the dreamtime sometimes for sure. My heart aches sometimes in these intimate sensitive moments, and I am learning to catch myself and shift it, but for sure it creeps through on occassion and I feel those tinges of grief wanting to wiggle their way into my bliss and steal a little piece of joy from me! I am learning to be vigilant and practicing my will power to not allow or entertain those thoughts for more than a moment or two but also to not totally shut them down or ignore them. They are reminding me that I still have work to do and so I am attentive and gentle with myself in those moments!

It’s been a full 20 days now since I have talked to my him. I am pretty sure it’s the longest stretch I’ve gone without talking to him in the entire 8 years of our relationship, including the 9 months or so of "break up" we just passed through. I am committed to maintaining the silence between us in a way I have never been. The longer I stay away from the temptation to talk to him, or communicate with him, the happier I am and the more I can see and feel that there is really nothing left to say to him. I am finally feeling free and yummy again and I am not interested in taking any more chances of taking steps backwards into old patterns or stories, so steering clear of him feels like the smartest thing to do!

The last round of upset was more than I could tolerate and it became clear that I needed to make a decision to save what is left of my self respect and pull myself together and grow the fuck up already and move on from this man who has not brought out the best in me, and who simply isn’t ready to grow up and walk in truth on any level. I could suddenly see that everywhere else around me were beautiful people walking and living in truth, but the inconsistencey of my ex with my present life and the rest of the people I share it with became strikingly clear not too long after I left the US this time and got some space! I simply wouldn’t allow ANY friend to treat me with the kind of disrespect and dishonesty I had allowed my lover to. So it became somewhat like a switch: flick it and move on into the light already girlfriend!

Just a few days after I made the decision to stop all communications with him, and in my mind, to even dissolve the friendship which I had been trying so hard to preserve, I met a beautiful man. I had been praying for a bit of a distraction, and to be shown some other possibility that might exist in the form of a male person. "Any distraction, ANY possibility of something better, please grant me this request!" I prayed to God! “I just need to know there is something else! Please, send it NOW.” And of course, the universe and spirit being what it is, it granted my wish and I met one of the sexiest men I've ever gotten to hold in my arms and love on! Possibly what made him so attractive and appealing, other than his dark thick hair, gorgeous loving eyes and super yummy strong body, was that this man was not all about the pursuit of sex, and in fact, held strong values around putting energy out in that way with a woman he wasn't going to marry or be in a LTR with! What? I honestly couldn't believe it when he said, "I could be with one woman for the rest of my life and be devoted," but when he shared his boundaries around casual sex not being something he was interested in, it blasted me! So, for two weeks I allowed myself to fall head over heels in love with this most beautiful man that I absolutely could have no expectations of being with for anything more than what it was. He was on a journey for 3 months down to South America, and we both knew it was just a sharing of time and space for what it was, a few weeks of magic, bliss, music, cuddling and deep heart sharing! But for two weeks, it was bliss and such a sweet reminder that I can love fully whenever I choose to open to that!

We shared some very sweet physical intimacy that truly did show and offer me a whole new level of possibility, just as I had prayed for. I found myself sobbing in his arms more than once in the recognition of all the conditioning I had been subjected to around sex being such an integral part of connecting with a man in a significant way. I realized when he expressed how he was feeling around that piece, that I have never felt so respected by a man before. I was open, a little vulnerable, totally attracted to him sexually, and if he had been like most men I've known, he would have taken full advantage of that and had sex with me just because and as often as I would allow. He represented something different though. A more highly evolved man who thinks with his heart and head and not just his sexual urges. I can not even say how grateful I am to learn that it exists! I had about lost hope to be honest!

He held me every night for 14 nights and never expected or asked for anything. We held hands, cuddled on the bus, smooched like long term lovers greeting each other at dawn with a little kiss and going to sleep holding each other. We sang and danced and got totally silly together in the muses! We made love with our hearts and our fingers exploring each other's hands, and I held him on my chest and poured my love into him. We peaked a mountain and sat at dawn intertwined with his third eye beaming into my third eye and it was the closest I've felt to another human in many years. Heart to heart... no expectations.. no stories.. just pure love of life and an openness to the vulnerability and grace of love. I felt so safe and so cared for and cherished, but mostly deeply respected. I felt his own respect for himself too which definitly added to his sexiness and attractiveness. He had values, boundaries, and a clarity of purpose and intention that moved thru him that way understated his young age. He knew what he wanted, and had wisdom to not create something with me that would hurt or confuse either of our intentions. He was OK to wait for the "right" woman to share with sexually while enjoying sharing hearts and bodies in other ways with me. And I think he knew how much it was healing me to share with him in this way too. I felt pure and innocent in a way I had forgotten I could.

We shared a lot on what we wanted in our life partners, and the funny thing was, that we ARE that person for each other on many levels and I think we could both see and feel that potentiality, and still could recognize that we were just exemplifying for and to each other the possibility that it does indeed exist. He being a traveller right now, and my path taking me on some serious travels as well, we were just two souls crossing for some sweet tender sharing, some profound healing for me and a definite representation of possibility for both of us to have some hope that our beloveds are awaiting us!

I left him in Panama a week ago and have been feeling really strong and blessed for the most part. My Ex has tried almost 30 times to call me and I have not answered, and every time I decline his call, I feel a little bit stronger and more committed to myself and my health and well being. I found it interesting that on the same day I was leaving my new friend in Panama, my ex started trying to call after 10 days of no contact at all. He hasn't let up since. Maybe he could feel that I had opened my heart to another man and is feeling desperate. I don't care. He can feel whatever he feels. I am committed to myself and my own happiness, and my ex doesn't support good feelings in me so there's no reason to pick up the phone!

Every time I feel thoughts of him creeping in, I tell myself, “No, Not this anymore. What is it you want to invite in?” and I am practicing this mental acumen of letting all of those old thoughts transform into thoughts of possibility and intention for what I wish to attract and cultivate. It’s working. I am looking in the mirror now and appreciating the woman shining back at me. I am feeling deep peace. I feel alive, grateful and connected! I walked yesterday for an hour in the city and felt only bliss watching the most mundane things move across the screen of this life. Feeling sensually alive as the palms danced in the soft breeze, watching the sky blacken with clouds, I found myself even inviting the possibility of getting dumped on by rain as a fun adventure to have on my walk. I noticed how enticing the colors of the flowers were, and how soft and quiet and reflective I felt in my body and mind. I remembered for a brief moment a day when I couldn't find beauty anywhere, and felt a rush of gratitude recognizing that today I couldn't find anything BUT beauty everywhere I looked. Even the trash floating by and the smell of the sewage treatment plant were reminding me of the joy of life somehow!

I have found myself singing and dancing on the beach again in joyous celebration of my solitude and silliness! I am available for the world to love, serve, teach and hold space for others again! Life has returned to me, and nature is, as she always has been, one of my greatest allies and confidants in the journey!

Waking this morning with the bird songs, I felt that tinge of sadness start to creep in, the little place in my heart that misses being held by strong loving arms, and when my ex’s face popped up, I quickly replaced it with my 2 week lover and remembered how comforted and loved and protected I felt in his arms. I remembered that I felt more respected and cherished and honored by this man I’d only known for 2 weeks than I had felt by my ex in many years. I remembered that this man had integrity and a strength around walking and living in truth that my ex didn’t really have. I affirmed that I will and can attract my life partner soon and that he will hold strong values of honesty, devotion, family and service in ways that are in alignment with me. I affirmed that I never have to compromise myself or my values again with any man! I affirmed that I am deserving of the highest quality of man out there and will accept nothing less again into this temple!

My 2 week love affair showed me possibility. It was a love of the heart we were exploring and while we shared some physical intimacy, it was liberating and foretelling for me to be with a man who didn’t NEED the sexual piece to share and enjoy together. We could sleep together and cuddle all night and I never felt any need or pressure to offer anything or any expectation from him that I should, could or would. It was a pure, innocence we shared and it showed me that men like that exist in this world and for that I am grateful beyond words.

So affirming that knowingness today, I affirm also that I am willing to wait for what I want and to work towards making myself all that I know I am as a Warrior Queen and Woman of Service to Bliss and Harmony and to walk in truth! Until then, I will keep blossoming and radiating and sharing my love with the world thru my service and open heart and enjoying all the other magical ways love shows up!

This new life is looking pretty exciting! Where once there was depression and grief, now there is possibility and excitement! I feel liberated, free and can’t wait to decline the next call from my ex!

It is done! I am free!

One step forward, One step back... one step forward again..

It is a mysterious occurence on this journey the way things unfold to remind me of where I have yet to set myself free. It seems almost immediately upon feeling complete, full, even to a place of deep gratitude for the journey, I got sucked back into the old story, the old wounds, and got some hard core reality checks around my true state of beingness and acceptance of what is. I was tested, almost immediately upon arrival of a place of peace and forward movement, and undeniably and embarassingly, I failed, with flying colors! I flopped like a big fat fish trying miserably to shake it's parasites. I flopped in a big pooling pile of tears, self loathing and resentment. And then, I did what I do when I flop, I isolated thus allowing more time and space for the villans to return and wreak havoc on my heart and mind and continue to gnaw away at the threads of what was left between my ex and I as salvageable. I've finally done it. I've finally completely cut thru the threads of a salvageable friendship or connection with him, the sabotage is complete. I have pushed him to the brink of hatred. My villans succeeded in wasting away all the work he and I have done in the past few months to re-build trust and friendship.

So I sit here now blasted in the wake of it all, feeling emptied out, blank and heart wrenchingly sad. This was not the way I wanted to be in this. I knew this situation would occur, yet somehow it hit me harder than I imagined it could. I felt again like he had desecrated something sacred to me and has no remorse or concern about it. I feel hurt, betrayed and mostly upset with myself that I allowed myself to think it would be any different than this even for a moment.

I am still recovering from it now and sitting in a state of more or less dumbfounded humility of what the last 48 hours has brought back into my mind, heart and body. Clearly, I still have some work to do and am far from the place I was imagining that I was a few days ago. I was living in the future me still yet to fully arrive and atleast I got a good glimpse of her to hang onto in this ride!

I mean, I didn't just fail, I really dug myself in, ankle deep into the blackest, gooiest shit of my sad, hurt, abandoned little girl not getting her way and feeling totally denied of love and nurturing. I flipped and flopped to try to get out, and then fell back in even deeper on the second round. I heard a little demon come out of my voice that was scarily too reminiscent of my father's voice when he spews some vile uncontrollable nastiness from his angry pursed lips and that, more than anything, scared the shit out of me. I am my father, as I am my mother. There he was, venting and spewing from a self defensive place of anger and fear right out of my pursed lips and vengeful villan self. My heart was so shut down, so trampled and so repulsed, all I could do was return to all the old stories and reactions I have come to know too well, and find ways that his actions once again supported them all. It seemed all I knew how to do in that state of re-activeness and hurt. There I was, in the midst of it, even recognizing it, not being able to stop the madness and just fueling the fires of destruction between he and I to a boiling point. I totally relapsed, full force into the same place I have worked so hard on crawling out of for the past few months and thought I had overcome by acceptance. And of course, everything he had done and was doing and saying supported all of those stories fully, thus keeping me in the victim, sad, pathetic state of not being loved, being betrayed, being hurt and lied to, and there is a factual reality to it, beyond just the stories that it is indeed playing out in this way.

The notable thing that is hard to acknowledge is that if I had not reacted to this stimulus at all, I could have stayed in bliss and not wasted the last few days feeling bad about the way I've behaved, and/or caring about his choices. If I had just not reacted or responded in any way to what I had known would happen far before I knew it had happened, we'd be able to have a nice chat any old time. Now, however, it is really and truly done. The last bridge, for both of us, has been burned and there is no going back probably even to a friendship.

"Great work," the villans say to me, patting me on the back laughing as I cry tears of regret and sorrow for my relapse.

Speaking with my therapist today, she reminded me, "Your reaction was your way out, and in some way it was a loving thing you did because you want to be free and your little girl, adolescent self is there agreeing to compromise over and over when that's not really what you want." She's right on some level. That nice little girl who just wants love at any cost and tends to accept mistreatment and disrespect as OK and has compromised pretty much every part of me has had her day. I have allowed and been "cool" with too much and now my Queen is stirring and saying, "NO MORE!"

He is who he is, does what he does, and I can't change that, but to sit back and act like it's all good and continue to allow myself to be drawn into his little game of cat and mouse is not happening anymore. I counted today, and it's an embarrassing number of times I've danced this dance of working on my own ability to accept this part of him in order to not lose his love. I don't want to or need to accept it anymore. I will not and can not accept it anymore.

One step forward, one step back, and one step forward again! I will arrive back in bliss, and with much more vigilance on who enters this temple and sphere.

Reflection on a Year of Change

For some reason, February is always my real new year. It's always the time when things start to really feel fresh and alive again within me. January is more of a stewing time, ideas and intuitions are churning but usually January is a time of such maintenance level work that the newness doesn't really get birthed until February. I am finding myself again in Costa Rica this year reflecting now on what has proven to be one of the most challenging years of my adult life.

It was February when I made my statement of exiting my relationship, and now, a year later, I am finally feeling inspiration return, and in new ways that I am happy to allow space for and cultivate. It has been a year of deep introspection and a lot of turmoil and chaos. Some of the most intense pain I've ever experienced inwardly has softened me, not hardened me, and for that I am so grateful. I feel like I can speak and be in a place of wisdom and truth when I share with others what heartbreak and mental turmoil are like because I really allowed myself to sit in and with it all.

Now, a year later, I feel more ready to move forward resting in the knowingness that I did not run away or hide from any of it. I moved with authenticity and respected my heart even when I knew doing so would open me to being hurt more. I challenged myself to keep opening my heart and showing up in the truth of what I felt, not to run away, not to shut down, not to cut and sever, but to integrate the experience of grief, loss, heartbreak, betrayal, deception, disappointment and all the myriads of emotions that came with it all from insecurity to depression. Now, I am at peace with him, with his choices that hurt me, and with myself for giving myself permission to be real with myself every step of the way, even when it wasn't pretty or "cool."


Last year, thru the recurrent dreams I was having of wild cats and domesticated wild cats, I birthed a vision of working with women to help other women reclaim their own power and primal essence. The dreams were so powerfully clear that my soul was calling for a break from domesticity, and a way back to the true untamable essence that is my nature. In one dream, I birthed a litter of cats that were sort of alien felines, and went to pick one up and it clawed at me and attacked me. I had to kill it, then run and lock the door to escape the others as they all turned wild on me, the one who had birthed them. In another dream, the land I was working on allowed poachers to come and kill a big beautiful tiger for money to survive, a representation of selling my soul and passion for "security and money." In another a panther was on a leash like a dog, beaten and subdued, looking pathetically disempowered. It was dream after dream like this, screaming at me to look deeply at what I was trading for the illusion of security and comfort.

Out of this, awareness came to me that I had much work to do to reconnect myself to myself and to the Wild Feminine Essence that the Feline energy was so clearly representing for me in the dreamtime. Being who I am, I love to share the journey and learn with and from others, and so the vision that began to germinate was to bring forth opportunities for other women to take the journey with me and see what we find and how we can support and nurture each other thru this experience. Being in nature was so powerful for me every day to reflect and watch and listen to what the ultimate "wild woman," Mother Nature, had to share with me. Reconnecting deeply to nature, her cycles and vibrations was one of the most healing elements of my journey, and remains so.

That desire, to share and support other women on their journey back to self, is why I started writing this journal, as I know that someday, some woman may read this and find solace and support. If my journey home can help one other woman to find herself home within herself, I have done a great service and can leave the planet knowing I made some kind of difference.

I have been working more and more with women's groups in this past year and seeing the fruit of that seed come into existence is a great source of joy and inspiration for me. Just before I left Costa Rica I sat with a good friend and ally in the creative arts world and shared with her my dreams and the vision. We put together a concept for a retreat to bring women together here in Costa Rica to tap into that essence of awakening our authentic, natural essence.

As I sit here now, with the waves crashing on the shore and the cicadas chirping it up, I am reflecting on all the pieces that have fallen into place perfectly to bring me here now to this place of feeling re-inspired and reconnected in a new way to my purpose and passions. It was just a few days ago that I completed, with two other awesome facilitators, and 10 participants, a 5 day long retreat entitled, "Awaken the Wild Woman Within." The retreat was wildly successful overall and in it's afterbliss, I am having some much needed down time to reflect on my year and my own passage back to self.

Truly it has been an epic year and when I look at the goodness of what all the pain has brought forth in maturity, wisdom and depth, it's hard to be anything but grateful for the journey. Yes, I lost a lover, and a companion, and for sure compromised some of my own self respect along the way LOL. My best friend is no longer a daily part of my life and I can't say there are too many days when I don't miss him at least for a few moments still. I still wake most days and think of him, and send him love before I go to bed. Who knows how long that will all take to subside fully. We are still very good friends, but I am finally acknowledging that it is over and finding peace and acceptance with it all. With all the pain, with all the suffering, with all the self inflicted replays of the traumas, with all the sweetness we've shared too over this year of continuing to show up to love each other thru the stories.

It's taken me almost a year to really get here but here I am! I love him, and will always love him, and no doubt, he loves me more than he can even deal with. That chapter however, is clearly done and I can never go back to that way of being with him or myself. Perhaps one day we may come together in a new way with all the wisdom and self strength we are finding now, or perhaps not. I am not longer attached or invested in either option. My life is moving forward, and the love of my life is becoming once again my self. Tonite I sit here with a glass of wine celebrating the arrival of this moment, to be able to feel strong, OK, safe, powerfully vulnerable, competent and capable of overcoming my own demons and fears. I am in love with life, totally in bliss in this beautiful place overlooking the ocean and nestled into the jungle and my heart is bursting with the desire to share and serve in any ways I can!

Blessed nite! A celebration of the spirit!

Embracing our Feminine Sensual Yumminess

Home from a night of dancing in the hot steamy sultryness that is Costa Rica's club vibe, bodies grinding, music bumping, lights altering reality enough to lose the mind's normal state of attachment to thought and I am liberated. Just two hours of pulsing hips and swirling sensuality and I feel alive again, like myself again, like a queen again. The remembrance of my power as a woman comes alive somehow on the dance floor with men half my age pushing their hips against mine in recognition of the power held within a woman. Their hands wandering my body lustfully, but somehow also lovingly appreciating the sensuality I embody when I move.

And because I trust myself, and know myself and my boundaries, I can enjoy and relish in this passionate exchange that and only tap into and feel the appreciation of man for woman, woman for man. Because I am clear with my intentions, it is safe for me to play, express and enjoy the dance for just a dance. Yum I say to this blissful exchange. Yum I say to the way I feel invigorated, alive, reminded of my essence as a woman with a man's hands feeling the curves and soft places around my waist and hips as we move together as one, finding joy and sweetness together.

And as inviting and intoxicating as are the men, so too are the women here who also feel and own their sensual yumminess dancing together, grinding ass to yoni and yoni to ass with a grab of a hip or a soft smile with knowingness spreading between us as women of the enticement that we are even to ourselves and each other.

Yum... wild woman divine essence of sensuality and bliss. I welcome you home to me again!

Depression's Delusion

Hard to fully even belive the reality of the life I am moving thru. It's somewhat like a dream, a kind of state between states that I've been living in for almost a year now. I'm not sure what it will take to snap me out of this dazed half life I am in.

I am depressed but playing one hell of a good game of ignoring it and one hell of a good game of faking out everyone around me.

For me depression maybe looks different than how most people imagine it.

I keep going, full speed ahead. I isolate more, so no one can see the truth that lies just behind the smile and sparkle of mysterious melancholy made to appear as peaceful acceptance.

I lie in bed til 7 or 8 after waking at 3 or 4 or hopefully 5 or 6 AM where most people would imagine a depressed person to stay in bed til atleast 10 or 11.

I throw parties and dress up pretty and go talk it up in town just enough to continue the facade.

I go to the gym, stay in shape, eat pretty well and self medicate with music, marijuana and an elixir called jun rather than sucking down crap food and alcohol.

But when I stop, and my eyes meet my eyes, as they did tonite while I was in the midst of a workout, the sadness is so tangible, the grief so accessible, the agony of this hell I have chosen to put myself thru for almost a year is so present that in less than an instant the tears well up and I have to look away from the half queen, half wife battered peasant that stares back at me from the mirror.

My kind of depression looks pretty much passable for the average person's normalcy. My kind of depression may never even be seen fully by anyone buy myself. Perhaps I could keep on like this for a whole lifetime if I really chose to.

My kind of depression could send me silently and seductively into a cave of my own creation.

Years ago, when I was still a teenager, I remember writing a poem that somehow never has left my mind. "Inside the soul cell she screams..." were the opening lines. I must find that poem soon and revisit it's madness, perhaps it will teach me some way out of this ever growing deep well I seem to be still slowly swimming deeper into.

The more reading I do, the more frightened I become of what I have become, which, LOL serves only to send me deeper into grief and sorrow.