Happy Birthday to me: Reminders on Being

Accept what is with gratitude and faith

Embrace Life

Find and do what you love

Trust more Deeply

Resist self criticism and self judgement

Think less, Be More

Learn to let go ON COMMAND

Practice discernment in speech and thought

Become the master of your mind and emotions

Don't re-act: Sit, reflect, breathe and respond with discernment and grace

Live in the present: Let go of the past: It lives ONLY as long as you feed it

Liberate your mind by letting go of stories and perceptions

Trust in the flow to bring what needs to be

Don't interfere with what is: Allow truth to reveal itself: IT ALWAYS DOES

Forgive yourself as you forgive others

Accept that somethings can never be understood: especially other people's actions

Find your SELF & Never let her go again!

Never let anyone else confuse you on your own values and needs

Never compromise your values

Remember you deserve integrity and honesty

Choose carefully, consciously and with great discernment who and what you take into your body, life and community

Awaken to the joys of your wild side: drum, dance, sing, be in nature, play pointlessly

Live courageously: take more chancs: jump into the unknown with passion and zest for the mystery it holds

Live fearlessly as if today is the last day of your life!

Turning 40

Tonite is the nite before winter solstice, and also the last night of my 30's. I am dining alone at a 4 star restaurant, treating myself to a mini vacation on the beautiful Sanibel Island with a delightful meal and a beachfront room.

I am returning to my committment to forgive myself and re-affirming mantras I have seemed to neglect:
"Think forward thinking thoughts."
"No looking back."
"Let go and flow."
"Trust in the knowingness that all is in perfect alignment."

For too long I have been stuck in stories and thoughts of the past. I never, in my worst nightmares, imagined that I could go thru what I have gone thru in the past 6 months just from shifting out of a relationship, and certainly hadn't yet glimpsed the monster my mind could become thru attachment, anxiety, obsessiveness and fear. I'd never known or seen these dark corners, and would have even denied the possibility that they could exist in me up until a few months ago. Now I understand the saying,"Sometimes the truth hurts."

"Not me" my overinflated superior self would have said when I walked out of that relationship (or tried to LOL) in February. Ha Ha..the joke's on me. I have proven to also have a little wounded self that never had been given much attention apparently and once it saw an opportunity to jump in and show itself did so with such fervor and might that it knocked me senseless and sent me reeling into all kinds of unimaginable turmoil in my own mind. Suddenly all of the gates were unloosed and my wounded child was screaming and throwing tantrums at every turn, for any reason and with all the unpredictability of a tornado blasting thru a small peaceful village of happy people.

So now here I am turning 40 in a few short hours. Face to face with the totality of myself, and the polarity of myself. The Yin Yang, the Dark and Light of myself. One half Warrior Queen, righteous spiritual being, empowered woman, fearless, competent, leading people into rhythm rites and building community, author, "strong" woman archetype. One half scared, sad, abandoned, insecure, unworthy pauper child feeling lost and uncared for in this world. It doesn't get any more real than this. I guess I'm coming of age and moving into this new phase of my life as a truly humbled woman, reverent in new ways and softened by the compassion and grace I feel coming thru the willingness to be real with all of it.

Tonite is a full moon eclipse, a powerful opportunity for a turning point and new possibilities and my affirmation is to commit this year to myself. To take as much time as I need to become whole and fully in love once again with every little piece of myself. To give that little pauper girl all the love she needs to feel like the queen she holds within herself. To move as a True Queen with the needs of others held strongly in heart and mind to serve others as she would be served.

This is a year to toss aside all that doesn't reflect my truest and deepest values and callings.

Winter Solstice Baby... Happy Birthday to me!

Self Forgiveness

"Guilt is unnatural. The guiltless mind can not suffer. What is truly blessed is incapable of giving rise to guilg and must give rise to joy."
A Course in Miracles

My big piece of work right now is self forgiveness. I have forgiven him and all of those who spoke untruths about me, but I have been holding a lot of guilt for my own behavior and have been in a rather frenzied state of self condemnation and self judgement. This must be, as A Course in Miracles (ACIM) puts it, "undone."

I acted out in ways that I am not proud of in the past months, out of fear, ego delusion and wrong perception based on confusing information. My ego acted out of it's own need to maintain control and now looking back, it is clear that there has never been any reason to be fearful or feel guilty. I wasted days and weeks of time in anxiety and depression for no reason at all. I was jealous and insecure for no reason at all. "What's real can never be threatened." (ACIM) What's real is the love, nothing else. That's all that matters, now or ever. It's hard not to laugh at myself, but I feel like such a fool to ever even have reacted or given any of it a moment of my peace of mind! Live and learn, that's how we do it I guess.

Clearly our love has not been affected by the separation rebound or the second rebound, or any of the hurtful things that occurred between us, though for sure our personality's and ego's have had some roughing up. Six months ago, however, clearly I was too caught in the pain and confusion of it all to even be ready to receive that nugget!

Nothing can change that which God created and nothing real can be threatened. I so wish I had read and received that wisdom months ago and really taken it in. It would have saved me so much wasted energy. And, I can see that the proof of this is here now, so I have to forgive myself for my own ignorance just as I forgive others for theirs.

So my work now is to let go of hating myself, berating myself and feeling like such a schmuck that I fell prey to those loud mouthed foul smelling jackass saboteurs of insecurity, jealousy and fear. They have had their run of me and I am committing to taking over the show with a higher state of awareness and more compassion and tolerance, more tenderness and Divine love. Those villans have had their day in my life and I am no longer willing to let them deceive or delude me with their lies.

Now I choose to let go of the old paradigm of how relationship "should be" or how I want it and to come into a place of gratitude and acceptance for what is. I am ready to offer myself thru this experience back to Spirit and trust that whatever happens is what must be for growth and for the best of all. Even the story about "losing my lover" isn't really true. Sure, we're not together the way we once were, we aren't partners in the sense we were, but really not much else has changed. We're still good friends, share a lot, have movie nights and the connection, in it's essence, is still real and true. Learning to just appreciate what is, and accept what is is really all that's left to do and really all there ever has been to do.

God let me free of the past so that I may be available NOW to live in joy and love and create life in harmony.

Integration

Tonite, sitting in the company of sisters, sharing our hearts as women do, the stillness of love streams through me again. This year has been the most challenging yet of my entire life. I guess that's saying I've had a good life at nearly 40 as really things haven't been nearly as bad as what I've witnessed for some people my age! This year has taught me so much and has been such a profoundly heart opening, humbling and transformative year.

I have learned suffering's hell, walked with and into my heart fearlessly though certainly not always fearless! I have looked at and into the dark places of my ego and it's screaming incoherencies. I have allowed it to nearly destroy me with it's stories and selfishness. I have experienced and acknowledged grief and hung by a thread to God as my only remembrance of sanity and survival. I have cried tears enough to make a small lake. I have contemplated swimming far out to sea and drowning myself just to escape the emptiness and the void in my heart. I have danced depression's dark sultry lopsided melancholy monogroove.

I have been betrayed and gossiped about and have heard my name dragged thru the ethers from the lips of people who know not the truth but speak as if they do. I have learned how false friends can spew bullshit perceptions that are more self reflective than true about me or mine. Painfully, I have digested it all knowing how much I have loved and supported these same people knowing they only see some reflection of something they can't have compassion for within themselves. I have felt backstabbing and wanted to stab back but didn't.

I have screamed with the power of a thousand angered women moving thru me who know the pain of betrayal and grief.

I have died and am being reborn.

And out of the ashes I take and bring with me new wisdom. A real taste of the fullness of life. For now I understand more of these things that before I did not. My heart loves more because I never stopped loving, thru all of it, I never let the love be sacrficied. I loved those throwing stones. I love those who hate. I love this life and now I am touching wisdom's grace thru allowing myself to love thru every bit of it. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, even allowed myself to be hurt. I understand now Jesus's words, "turn the other cheek," with a new depth.

Now, I am as exposed, unravelled and unveiled as I can possibly be to myself, to my beloved, and in the eyes of God. There is nothing to hide, nowhere to run. I am here, fully present with all of it, with all of myself. "Only when we have nothing to hide can we be truly free." And so, I am free in a way I never knew before, it's all exposed. I am raw and real.

All I want now is to be an example of an authentic being
in love
in truth
in acceptance of what is.
Integration is happening within me! Bring it on!

Start Again

A friend of mine went to a Vippassana meditation several years ago and shared with me that for years after he could hear the voice of his teacher in his head saying, "Start Again."

For some strange reason it stuck with me, and I seem to find that voice in my head pretty often even though I still haven't made it to a Vippassana Meditation.

Start Again. In this journey I am on of trying to find myself and heal from giving my heart, body and soul to a man who didn't really ever want it, I am hearing that voice again today. I'm beginning to feel like I'm on some kind of sick merry go round that just keeps bringing me back to the same trauma and pain over and over to give me another shot at "letting go," and every time I seem to fall flat on my face with it, bumbling into yet another reactive tantrum.

"Start Again" that little voice says, so calmly with a little dry accent on it, haunting my humbled heart in the realization that there is no other choice but to start again.

There is nothing left really of my self respect or dignity, I've trampled it all and desecrated myself in tears and lament to this man over and over crying, "I wish it could be different, I hate this shit." But what I really mean is, "I wish I could be different, I hate that I am still feeling so hurt, abandoned and disempowered around our break up." It's been almost 8 months for God's sake and I'm still crying and feeling lost and alone without him, especially if we don't talk for a few days or he doesn't call when he says he will, which he's been doing more and more lately. Why do I even care at this point? I mean, really, what kind of self respecting woman would still be so devoted to a man who so clearly is confused on what he wants. He wants to be with me, but only on his terms, when he wants to be, where he wants to be, how he wants to be. And I am just supposed to be the loving, devoted woman who is always there for him with open arms and a warm bed. A "glorified booty call" is what one woman called me. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and I've been sucking it all up, compromising every bit of self respect just to try to keep it alive. I've set myself up to swing around on that merry go round with "Nothing Compares to You" screaming from the horses mouths as they weep tears of grief.

Sometimes Grief just sneaks up and crawls into my heart, curls up in a little ball and eats at me slowly. Today has been one of those days, and the funny thing about that little bugger Grief is that it doesn't matter how beautiful the day is, once it's nestled in, it's nestled in. Today was gorgeous, sunny and warm for a winter day, a perfect day to enjoy life, to be bubbling over with gratitude for a little window of warmth, but all I could do was try to keep from crying. For three days I've been doing pretty well, not calling him and not answering his calls, and today, on the fourth day, my lesson is, "Start Again."

I simply can not even comprehend the depth of this truly. I feel a hole in my heart that goes all the way thru me, to the core. I keep thinking, every day that I will wake up and it will be gone, but the hole just stays with me. I have been praying, but maybe not hard enough. I have been really trying to sit with it all, meditating and trying to follow the Buddhist teachings of allowing all of it without judgement. I am reading A Course in Miracles and working with those excercises. Today's lesson was to apply the concept of meaninglessness to a thought, and since my little mind seems to be plagued with thoughts of my ex and sexual infedility, I applied it to those thoughts, and really worked with that all day. Still the hole is there.

I know that only God can fill the hole, and I also know that there is no replacement for my lover of 8 years. Even God can't replace him and the place he held in my life for 8 years. It's just a fact. People aren't replacable. No one else can ever replace my mother or my father, or my ex. It just doesn't work that way. So I talk to God, a lot, and I find some comfort and solace there, but still the hole eats at me.

I made a new friend a few weeks ago, his name is Ryan. I was at the book store reading a book on how to save your relationship and he sat down next to me by the fireplace and I just instantly liked him, he had great energy. I felt him far before I even glanced up, his energy was just sweet and safe and in my tender, vulnerable place, safe is getting big points. Probably ten minutes after he sat down, somehow we started chatting and I liked him even more. He has gentle loving honest eyes, cute little glasses, and a goatie, and just enough of a resemblance to my ex to make him feel familiar but in a new and brighter way. Ryan and I went on a hike yesterday, and as it turns out he is in a pretty similar situation with his ex of trying to detach and move on. So yesterday, Ryan and I made a pact to help each other get thru this time without going back, to even use each other when we need or want to connect with our ex's. I wish to God I was attracted to this guy, he's cute, even handsome and so sweet, but my heart just can't really be open to anyone else. At any rate, Ryan stayed over last night and this morning we cuddled for an hour or so, he just held me. No sexual energy, not even a lick, just pure, safe, innocent cuddling. I thought, maybe, just maybe, that would help me, but instead that ridiculous hole in my heart got bigger, much bigger. No cuddle can replace the main squeeze I loved so much for 8 years. It almost makes it worse to try to fill the space, it's just unfillable. He is irreplacable dammit.

So what to do?

Start Again. It's like I need to return to the jungles to get away from this man. I work with him, see him too much and all of it just continues to fester the wounds. I know I need to make a break, get out of dodge, leave this town far behind and just get away from him before he totally destroys every ounce of self respect I have but I don't know where to go, what to do, how to escape it and so I sit here pondering it all and hearing that voice in my head over and over again...

Start Again.