Friday, June 18, 2010
I’m reading all this good philosophical and psychological stuff on the ego, the pain-body and how these entities aren’t really who we are, it’s not really our true selves, but it’s where we live most of the time and where we act and react from. Trying to get it, and feel that, and maybe it can help me out of this mess… something needs to or I may just go completely insane with it all. I did have some success this morning. Went to the Doctor yesterday and am for the first time in my life, medicating. Seems so ridiculous, but I don’t know where else to turn right now. I need to sleep and I need to calm down. Good news for me is they put me on a psychotropic, which is almost familiar enough to enjoy but makes me feel a little funky for sure.
Realizing and recognizing I am just holding on to some stupid need to try to make things better and heal, and that the healing has to start within me at this point. Really it’s all about me just finding a way to let go of the repetitive story in my head that just keeps haunting and hurting me.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Go to the Mountain and Pray
Today I took a hike to the medicine wheel that he and I used to hike to and pray at, the one we built together, journeyed at together and wept at together. Not for the sake of reminiscence, but because I needed to pray in nature and that was the right place for it.
I wept so deeply, even more deeply than I did yesterday. I wept to my core, I let my body shake with the pain, cried out to God as loud as the wailing wanted to come forth. Some poor college kid walked up in the midst of it and I pretended I didn’t see him and just kept crying because I needed to not stop the flow.
“Why God? Why do we hurt the people we love? Why are we so fucked up? Why couldn’t this have ended sweetly? Why did it have to get so fucked up? Why did you take him from me? I want to understand why humans have to hurt each other this way? I want to know, I want to understand. Please God send me some angel, some light, some way of knowing how to do this?” And I let the tears keep coming as long as they wanted, with sobbing and wailing free to be. Then I stood up and walked the circle, tapping sticks, wanting to sing, but no voice could come, so I prayed more. “Forgive me God. Forgive me for my lies, for my anger, for my mistakes with this man. Forgive me God for creating drama when I could have accepted what is, forgive me God for not listening to the many calls that were given to me. You gave me so many signs and I wouldn’t listen, I wouldn’t see, I wouldn’t pay attention. I was not listening and you were screaming at me. How many signs did you send me? How could I have been so blind? How can I forgive myself God? Please teach me to forgive myself. I can forgive him all of it, but I can’t forgive myself.”
Then it all dawned on me suddenly. Most of the pain I’ve been feeling, most of the remorse and the suffering are because of the way I have acted. I’ve been ashamed of my own behavior, I have been acting like I need him and my ego has been so attached to wanting him back, when really I could never go back to him. I need to forgive myself. I’ve forgiven him, I’m not even upset with him or mad at him, I’m angry at myself. Angry at myself for not listening, for not heeding the multitude of signs and signals. I am angry at myself for trying to hold onto something I need to set free.
I walked back down singing: “I am free” and I’ve been feeling blessed and blissed since! Think I will sleep well tonite. I am free.
I forgive myself for being scared, vulnerable and afraid of walking into my higher destiny. I forgive myself for not listening to the voice of love screaming at me that there is more for me. I forgive myself for acting out and for letting my ego rage. I forgive myself for hating myself.
I wept so deeply, even more deeply than I did yesterday. I wept to my core, I let my body shake with the pain, cried out to God as loud as the wailing wanted to come forth. Some poor college kid walked up in the midst of it and I pretended I didn’t see him and just kept crying because I needed to not stop the flow.
“Why God? Why do we hurt the people we love? Why are we so fucked up? Why couldn’t this have ended sweetly? Why did it have to get so fucked up? Why did you take him from me? I want to understand why humans have to hurt each other this way? I want to know, I want to understand. Please God send me some angel, some light, some way of knowing how to do this?” And I let the tears keep coming as long as they wanted, with sobbing and wailing free to be. Then I stood up and walked the circle, tapping sticks, wanting to sing, but no voice could come, so I prayed more. “Forgive me God. Forgive me for my lies, for my anger, for my mistakes with this man. Forgive me God for creating drama when I could have accepted what is, forgive me God for not listening to the many calls that were given to me. You gave me so many signs and I wouldn’t listen, I wouldn’t see, I wouldn’t pay attention. I was not listening and you were screaming at me. How many signs did you send me? How could I have been so blind? How can I forgive myself God? Please teach me to forgive myself. I can forgive him all of it, but I can’t forgive myself.”
Then it all dawned on me suddenly. Most of the pain I’ve been feeling, most of the remorse and the suffering are because of the way I have acted. I’ve been ashamed of my own behavior, I have been acting like I need him and my ego has been so attached to wanting him back, when really I could never go back to him. I need to forgive myself. I’ve forgiven him, I’m not even upset with him or mad at him, I’m angry at myself. Angry at myself for not listening, for not heeding the multitude of signs and signals. I am angry at myself for trying to hold onto something I need to set free.
I walked back down singing: “I am free” and I’ve been feeling blessed and blissed since! Think I will sleep well tonite. I am free.
I forgive myself for being scared, vulnerable and afraid of walking into my higher destiny. I forgive myself for not listening to the voice of love screaming at me that there is more for me. I forgive myself for acting out and for letting my ego rage. I forgive myself for hating myself.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Surrender to love
The process of letting go, of surrender, of finding peace in not having that which I desire is quite the journey of working with the ego. My ego is really needing more conversation, more dialogue, more time to process, more attempts at convincing, making him see the light, and ultimately suffering. The ego is such a trippy companion to observe.
Letting go doesn’t negate all that I feel, it doesn’t make it hurt less, it doesn’t make me think of him less, but my feeling is that if and when I can truly get to that place of letting go, then, and probably only then, will I find peace with it all. I can’t change what he wants or needs, and I can’t change how much I love him no matter how I try. That much I've finally accepted. What is is.
What I can change is how I am living in this experience inside. I can choose a little patience, allow more space, cultivate more love and connection with myself in this time and find the places I haven’t been giving enough to myself rather than focusing on what he isn’t giving me. I can find ways to give more to myself.
Tonite was one of the first nights since I returned from FL, and one of the few since I left Costa Rica that I have just allowed myself just to hang out with myself, my tabla and a good book. I did have a great nite in Crestone of that nature too. I really enjoyed being there with all that stillness and that great book on “The Way of Love.” I have had a very hard time just letting myself be alone and still, or even practicing. In the morning my thoughts are so troubled and all I want to do is talk to him, but he doesn’t answer the phone, doesn’t even turn the damn thing on anymore. I know it’s not just me, he has always had the tendency to avoid people thru non-communicative shut downs when he’s overwhelmed. Somehow it’s still hard not to take it personally when I so want to be heard.
Started another good book tonite, "The New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle, and it’s all about working with the ego and learning to act in higher, more conscious ways. It’s feeding me, that and the quietness of this night alone and in enjoyment of it at last.
Letting go doesn’t negate all that I feel, it doesn’t make it hurt less, it doesn’t make me think of him less, but my feeling is that if and when I can truly get to that place of letting go, then, and probably only then, will I find peace with it all. I can’t change what he wants or needs, and I can’t change how much I love him no matter how I try. That much I've finally accepted. What is is.
What I can change is how I am living in this experience inside. I can choose a little patience, allow more space, cultivate more love and connection with myself in this time and find the places I haven’t been giving enough to myself rather than focusing on what he isn’t giving me. I can find ways to give more to myself.
Tonite was one of the first nights since I returned from FL, and one of the few since I left Costa Rica that I have just allowed myself just to hang out with myself, my tabla and a good book. I did have a great nite in Crestone of that nature too. I really enjoyed being there with all that stillness and that great book on “The Way of Love.” I have had a very hard time just letting myself be alone and still, or even practicing. In the morning my thoughts are so troubled and all I want to do is talk to him, but he doesn’t answer the phone, doesn’t even turn the damn thing on anymore. I know it’s not just me, he has always had the tendency to avoid people thru non-communicative shut downs when he’s overwhelmed. Somehow it’s still hard not to take it personally when I so want to be heard.
Started another good book tonite, "The New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle, and it’s all about working with the ego and learning to act in higher, more conscious ways. It’s feeding me, that and the quietness of this night alone and in enjoyment of it at last.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
No Logic to Love
It’s as if God is telling me there’s no use here to struggle or try to decide what I can do with my tender heart. God is saying, “surrender to this love more deeply than you ever have and await it’s return,” and I’m asking God, “What? Are you crazy? How can I possibly consider waiting or hanging around for more heartbreak?” And then I ask myself, how can I argue with God.
There is no logic to love, no rational figuring with the strange and mysterious ways of true love. There is no time, no space, no comprehending it’s grip on the heart and soul. Beyond all the human drama and crap that I endured with this man, beyond all of that, there is this inexplicable deep love that try as I might, I can’t shake, I can’t let go of, I can’t forget. Every other man I spend time with only affirms my love for him, every other man I spend time with is like a bumbling dork, clumsy and so unrefined, and not knowing how to touch me, how to embrace me, how to bring my heart to stillness.
Then there's this little voice and God is telling me, “Wait, be patient and forget other men right now, find yourself, listen to me and allow this love to deepen.” Of course, some part of me knows there is no other choice. The love that we have for each other is not of this world, and won’t perish in this world, it won't perish even when we do. Many times over these 7.5 years I heard God’s voice, “He is your betrothed in this world and the worlds beyond,” and “You belong to him and him alone and there is no reason to be jealous or lose faith, you will be together thru the end of time.” And in my heart of hearts, beyond everything, I know this to be true. Oh how my personality and ego struggle with it sometimes though.
So what the hell am I supposed to do with it? All day today, being with this new man, I’ve been just disappointed and kind of uninterested. He's a nice guy and all, but just no comparison in any way and no spark, no chemistry, no magic. A few nites ago, laying next to my beloved before this trip, the energy I felt rushing thru my body was like fire. I couldn’t sleep, and I could tell by his breathing that he didn’t sleep either. The electricity between us, the magnetism we share is like fiery magic breathing thru our very pores.
And in a moment tonite of such deep reflection and inner stillness, this voice comes thru saying, “There is no other, just be with yourself and love him more, love him deeper, love him with all the devotion that you have for him.” I’m thinking maybe God took a little too much lithium water tonite too because this just sounds like a recipe for heartbreak and is scaring the crap out of my ego.
And yet, it feels like the truth of my heart speaking, because he is the love of my life, my ex. He is the only one who has ever touched me in the ways he has, inside, outside, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and when I get really really honest with myself, regardless of all the shit that has happened, he is the only one I want to be with and I see him growing into everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. I see him as God, I see him having the potential and the wanting to actualize that potential that would be the perfect compliment to me on every level. Maybe I’m just crazy. I don’t know, all I know is he is in my every waking thought still, and when I take walks into nature, I feel him with me, loving nature thru me, I feel him waking with me and sleeping with me, and I can not deny that if there was anything I could do to bring him back to me, I would do it.
And then there’s God’s voice, telling me there’s no use in being with other men, it’s a waste of my precious time and energy and just love the one I love like no other and find God in that love. How can I argue with God?
There is no logic to love, no rational figuring with the strange and mysterious ways of true love. There is no time, no space, no comprehending it’s grip on the heart and soul. Beyond all the human drama and crap that I endured with this man, beyond all of that, there is this inexplicable deep love that try as I might, I can’t shake, I can’t let go of, I can’t forget. Every other man I spend time with only affirms my love for him, every other man I spend time with is like a bumbling dork, clumsy and so unrefined, and not knowing how to touch me, how to embrace me, how to bring my heart to stillness.
Then there's this little voice and God is telling me, “Wait, be patient and forget other men right now, find yourself, listen to me and allow this love to deepen.” Of course, some part of me knows there is no other choice. The love that we have for each other is not of this world, and won’t perish in this world, it won't perish even when we do. Many times over these 7.5 years I heard God’s voice, “He is your betrothed in this world and the worlds beyond,” and “You belong to him and him alone and there is no reason to be jealous or lose faith, you will be together thru the end of time.” And in my heart of hearts, beyond everything, I know this to be true. Oh how my personality and ego struggle with it sometimes though.
So what the hell am I supposed to do with it? All day today, being with this new man, I’ve been just disappointed and kind of uninterested. He's a nice guy and all, but just no comparison in any way and no spark, no chemistry, no magic. A few nites ago, laying next to my beloved before this trip, the energy I felt rushing thru my body was like fire. I couldn’t sleep, and I could tell by his breathing that he didn’t sleep either. The electricity between us, the magnetism we share is like fiery magic breathing thru our very pores.
And in a moment tonite of such deep reflection and inner stillness, this voice comes thru saying, “There is no other, just be with yourself and love him more, love him deeper, love him with all the devotion that you have for him.” I’m thinking maybe God took a little too much lithium water tonite too because this just sounds like a recipe for heartbreak and is scaring the crap out of my ego.
And yet, it feels like the truth of my heart speaking, because he is the love of my life, my ex. He is the only one who has ever touched me in the ways he has, inside, outside, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and when I get really really honest with myself, regardless of all the shit that has happened, he is the only one I want to be with and I see him growing into everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. I see him as God, I see him having the potential and the wanting to actualize that potential that would be the perfect compliment to me on every level. Maybe I’m just crazy. I don’t know, all I know is he is in my every waking thought still, and when I take walks into nature, I feel him with me, loving nature thru me, I feel him waking with me and sleeping with me, and I can not deny that if there was anything I could do to bring him back to me, I would do it.
And then there’s God’s voice, telling me there’s no use in being with other men, it’s a waste of my precious time and energy and just love the one I love like no other and find God in that love. How can I argue with God?
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Returning Home: The Inevitable Challenge
Coming back from my travels, I tried to avoid him. I was afraid to go out for fear of running into him, as I had gone a whole 12 days with no contact which was the longest yet for me and I didn’t want to blow the momentum. I was feeling stronger, I was feeling righteous in my anger, and sickened to my core by his lies and betrayals.
And of course, the first night I went out, I ran into him, his eyes sad and begging for my attention. He had called me 15 times in the past 24 hours, and I had refused every call, but there he was sitting in front of me, more beautiful than ever in his pain, sincerely loving me and caring more than I had ever imagined he could. How could I not give him a chance to speak? He apologized through teary eyes, said he could understand if I didn’t want to be friends with him, that he deserved that, he said he missed me.
My wanting to harden heart softened, and he had worked his way back in again. We saw each other almost every day last week, and spent one night together and now I am trying to find a way to work with him on his terms to maintain some connection. I am trying to accept that our love is too great to just ignore and shut off, and also that he is really needing time alone, and maybe with other women.
I’m dating, anyone and everyone I can to take my mind off of him, fill a little time and space, get a little affection. I’m trying as hard as I can to want another man, to be attracted and turned on by another body, another pair of lips, another mind. Yet my heart can not deny the truth, nothing compares to him, nothing comes even close. He is classy, elegant and refined in ways that most men aren’t. He is tender, soft and sensitive where most men are crass and rude. He is the lover of all lovers for me, knowing just how to touch my body, just where to kiss me, just how to hold me to open me fully into bliss and orgasmic waves of joy. How can any other man even come close?
Am I doomed to just waiting for him to return? My life will be intertwined with him for at least this next year. Eventually he will start dating and I’ll have to deal with those emotions. Eventually I’ll have to be the one to walk up to his date, as he did to mine the other nite, and introduce myself, try to not rip her face off and spit jealousy at her. I dread the moment, but if I can find grace in it, as he does, maybe it can show him the depth of my love more than anything. I have always respected that part of him that doesn’t get jealous but that warmly loves the men who I’ve been attracted to. He is so gracious in that way, and I have much to learn there from him. I just pray that when he dates, he finds what I am finding, that there is no substitute for love built over time, there is no substitute for depth and true caring, there is no replacement for years of shared life and understanding. I pray I can give him the space, and that he will soon realize how rare it is for two people to share what we shared in devotion, love and depth.
And I must also release all expectation of that.
And of course, the first night I went out, I ran into him, his eyes sad and begging for my attention. He had called me 15 times in the past 24 hours, and I had refused every call, but there he was sitting in front of me, more beautiful than ever in his pain, sincerely loving me and caring more than I had ever imagined he could. How could I not give him a chance to speak? He apologized through teary eyes, said he could understand if I didn’t want to be friends with him, that he deserved that, he said he missed me.
My wanting to harden heart softened, and he had worked his way back in again. We saw each other almost every day last week, and spent one night together and now I am trying to find a way to work with him on his terms to maintain some connection. I am trying to accept that our love is too great to just ignore and shut off, and also that he is really needing time alone, and maybe with other women.
I’m dating, anyone and everyone I can to take my mind off of him, fill a little time and space, get a little affection. I’m trying as hard as I can to want another man, to be attracted and turned on by another body, another pair of lips, another mind. Yet my heart can not deny the truth, nothing compares to him, nothing comes even close. He is classy, elegant and refined in ways that most men aren’t. He is tender, soft and sensitive where most men are crass and rude. He is the lover of all lovers for me, knowing just how to touch my body, just where to kiss me, just how to hold me to open me fully into bliss and orgasmic waves of joy. How can any other man even come close?
Am I doomed to just waiting for him to return? My life will be intertwined with him for at least this next year. Eventually he will start dating and I’ll have to deal with those emotions. Eventually I’ll have to be the one to walk up to his date, as he did to mine the other nite, and introduce myself, try to not rip her face off and spit jealousy at her. I dread the moment, but if I can find grace in it, as he does, maybe it can show him the depth of my love more than anything. I have always respected that part of him that doesn’t get jealous but that warmly loves the men who I’ve been attracted to. He is so gracious in that way, and I have much to learn there from him. I just pray that when he dates, he finds what I am finding, that there is no substitute for love built over time, there is no substitute for depth and true caring, there is no replacement for years of shared life and understanding. I pray I can give him the space, and that he will soon realize how rare it is for two people to share what we shared in devotion, love and depth.
And I must also release all expectation of that.
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