It's a beautiful spring morning in the Rocky Mountains, and my heart is cracked open in a million ways. I feel vulnerable, tender, aching and deeply mournful. Depressed again? I don't know, it has sort of a different quality than depression, a sort of melancholy acceptance of what is mixed with a bliss that I can almost taste in it's sweetness but that holds only the promise of reality in it's soft curling tendrils.
What is this life really for? When love is gone, when one is alone in this big world without a hand to hold, without much in the way of family, what is there of substance? Only the self really. Only the meaning that that individual gives to life holds them present here.
I look back on this journey and am mixed with such bittersweet thoughts. So much of it I have loved so much, and so many moments like now, more and more so, filled with a sort of tender acceptance of the impermanence of life, of the fleeting nature of passion and romance, of the illusion that most of it is, and I realize that I'm OK if it's all over tomorrow. I will go in peace and be grateful for what I had not bitter for wanting more. I'm complete if spirit wants to take me home, I will go gratefully.
When I look towards the future, it's hard not to see just more struggle and pointless efforts towards trying to achieve some illusion of "security" and "financial" success. I'm barely interested in the game anymore. I just want to walk through the fields of spring and let the rest go.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
The Next Great Challenge
The journey never ends. It cycles, just as the earth on it's axis around the sun. The phases we go through and endure are tests, challenges, and reminders when they return in the next turn in the wheel of life.
This past 24 months or so has been the most seasoning times of my life so far. I can see the potential for huge leaps and shifts really settling in on deeper and deeper levels as the cycles continue and I get to look through a broader lens of experience, wisdom and maturity.
Once you've visited the brink of insanity and the edge of losing your self entirely, it seems there is a different relationship with all of it. A relationship of patience and perseverance and a certain knowingness that frieking out or reacting is not the path of least resistance, nor does it do any good.
My current lover sent me a text the other day that said, "Worry is like praying for something you don't want." I loved it, and feel it's resonance so deeply.
If ever there was a time when I could, or maybe even should worry, it might be now. The next great challenge of my life looms in the pot of possibilities in a more real way today even than it did yesterday, yet I feel totally non-reactive to it, nor am I concerned regardless of what the outcome may be.
I guess most people in my generation must be aware of the very present reality that cancer is in our lives. The statistics are one out of two, which is probably low but it's hard to say one out of every 1.5 people or one out of every half person which is probably more of a realistic ratio.
I got the news today that I have an adnexal ovarian cyst, which apparnetly from what I learned today, differs from a regular old ovarian cyst which wouldn't have gotten much attention from the Dr. today because it apparently doesn't typically just disappear without treatment. That's about all I know so far, except for what I read on line which is far from positive or even worth writing about.
Since I got the news several hours ago I've just been sitting with all the possible possibilities which range from nothing needing to be done to the possibility of cancer and surgery. The beautiful part about something like this is it really makes you look at your life and consider how you've been living. The beautiful part for me is that I realized I am not afraid of any outcome. I'm not afraid of cancer, and not really even afraid of dying.
It's been a good life. I have no complaints. I've lived an incredible existence, touched many lives, been a pretty good person, had a lot of fun, and I know I have an incredibly strong will that can work amazing miracles.
The Next Great Challenge is possibly looming large on the horizon. I don't really know yet. What I do know, is that no matter what this challenge presents, I am OK with the outcome.
I'd rather live a short life that has been full and real than a long life of disappointments and misery.
This past 24 months or so has been the most seasoning times of my life so far. I can see the potential for huge leaps and shifts really settling in on deeper and deeper levels as the cycles continue and I get to look through a broader lens of experience, wisdom and maturity.
Once you've visited the brink of insanity and the edge of losing your self entirely, it seems there is a different relationship with all of it. A relationship of patience and perseverance and a certain knowingness that frieking out or reacting is not the path of least resistance, nor does it do any good.
My current lover sent me a text the other day that said, "Worry is like praying for something you don't want." I loved it, and feel it's resonance so deeply.
If ever there was a time when I could, or maybe even should worry, it might be now. The next great challenge of my life looms in the pot of possibilities in a more real way today even than it did yesterday, yet I feel totally non-reactive to it, nor am I concerned regardless of what the outcome may be.
I guess most people in my generation must be aware of the very present reality that cancer is in our lives. The statistics are one out of two, which is probably low but it's hard to say one out of every 1.5 people or one out of every half person which is probably more of a realistic ratio.
I got the news today that I have an adnexal ovarian cyst, which apparnetly from what I learned today, differs from a regular old ovarian cyst which wouldn't have gotten much attention from the Dr. today because it apparently doesn't typically just disappear without treatment. That's about all I know so far, except for what I read on line which is far from positive or even worth writing about.
Since I got the news several hours ago I've just been sitting with all the possible possibilities which range from nothing needing to be done to the possibility of cancer and surgery. The beautiful part about something like this is it really makes you look at your life and consider how you've been living. The beautiful part for me is that I realized I am not afraid of any outcome. I'm not afraid of cancer, and not really even afraid of dying.
It's been a good life. I have no complaints. I've lived an incredible existence, touched many lives, been a pretty good person, had a lot of fun, and I know I have an incredibly strong will that can work amazing miracles.
The Next Great Challenge is possibly looming large on the horizon. I don't really know yet. What I do know, is that no matter what this challenge presents, I am OK with the outcome.
I'd rather live a short life that has been full and real than a long life of disappointments and misery.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
The Turning In: The Final Chapter
After almost a whole year of deep self work, maddening depths of grief and anger, travel and playful digging into the wild side of myself, I am enjoying the journey of coming inward again as winter sets in and the Rocky Mountains turn to a crispy white. It's the time of year where I am content to stay home and write or read rather than go out on the town, and of course also the time of year when I start to think about getting to a warmer climate.
This year though, I'm not in a hurry. I am truly enjoying the turning of the seasons as I am feeling the turning in of myself. I feel seasoned, matured and ready to reflect on the journey I've been going through with an appreciative, happy heart and a curious mind. What else is possible? What other jewels are lying around on pages of journals I wrote in those times or within my own evolving heart and mind? What other little nuggets are coming forth to be shined into shimmering gold?
In 3 months it will be two full years since I left my relationship, and close to a year since the real "grand finale" actually played itself out. It feels like much longer. It feels like a small lifetime within a lifetime. It's almost impossiable to even remember what my life was like back then, it's like a vauge distant dream that almost doesn't seem like it ever even happened. I can't remember his touch, or how he smelled. I can't even remember having fun with him. I don't have any bad feelings or any good ones. I'm detached and I'm OK with that. I have no desire or need to talk to him, or see him and if I did see him I don't think I'd bother to stop and chat. It's really done within me and I'm perfectly content with it at last.
When I see the path that is unfolding, I am so grateful for every moment of it and I can see that every little piece of it was necessary in order for me to be here now.
I feel like a much different person than I was when this journey back to self began. I feel seasoned, clear and more grown up. I feel settled into my skin and safe in my own intuitive abilities to choose what is good for me and reject that which doesn't serve. I trust the people around me and know that I am now really in a flow that is bringing me into the woman I have always known that I truly am: wild, wise, free and blissed!
I have found peace as a solitary, soveriegn woman living in this world. I trust my wild primal intuitive abilities to listen with devoted attention to the wisdom that my years has brought me. The book doesn't end with me meeting my life partner and going happily ever after into another relationship: I don't need to find a man to make me complete or to fulfill me. The book ends with this woman looking in the mirror and smiling to herself and saying, "Good work! Life is so sweet. My joy and happiness are up to me and I'm choosing to be live in bliss because love wants to live me!"
The book ends with this woman looking at what is and loving every bit of it right down to the thread dangling off the corner of the pillow on the bed!
The Awakening is ON and the journey back to self continues in every moment, every breath and every day!
If and when a king arrives, the queen will be chillin out sipping wine in gratitude for the sun setting over the lake! If he doesn't, she will still be smiling from ear to ear and dancing to every groove life brings!
This year though, I'm not in a hurry. I am truly enjoying the turning of the seasons as I am feeling the turning in of myself. I feel seasoned, matured and ready to reflect on the journey I've been going through with an appreciative, happy heart and a curious mind. What else is possible? What other jewels are lying around on pages of journals I wrote in those times or within my own evolving heart and mind? What other little nuggets are coming forth to be shined into shimmering gold?
In 3 months it will be two full years since I left my relationship, and close to a year since the real "grand finale" actually played itself out. It feels like much longer. It feels like a small lifetime within a lifetime. It's almost impossiable to even remember what my life was like back then, it's like a vauge distant dream that almost doesn't seem like it ever even happened. I can't remember his touch, or how he smelled. I can't even remember having fun with him. I don't have any bad feelings or any good ones. I'm detached and I'm OK with that. I have no desire or need to talk to him, or see him and if I did see him I don't think I'd bother to stop and chat. It's really done within me and I'm perfectly content with it at last.
When I see the path that is unfolding, I am so grateful for every moment of it and I can see that every little piece of it was necessary in order for me to be here now.
I feel like a much different person than I was when this journey back to self began. I feel seasoned, clear and more grown up. I feel settled into my skin and safe in my own intuitive abilities to choose what is good for me and reject that which doesn't serve. I trust the people around me and know that I am now really in a flow that is bringing me into the woman I have always known that I truly am: wild, wise, free and blissed!
I have found peace as a solitary, soveriegn woman living in this world. I trust my wild primal intuitive abilities to listen with devoted attention to the wisdom that my years has brought me. The book doesn't end with me meeting my life partner and going happily ever after into another relationship: I don't need to find a man to make me complete or to fulfill me. The book ends with this woman looking in the mirror and smiling to herself and saying, "Good work! Life is so sweet. My joy and happiness are up to me and I'm choosing to be live in bliss because love wants to live me!"
The book ends with this woman looking at what is and loving every bit of it right down to the thread dangling off the corner of the pillow on the bed!
The Awakening is ON and the journey back to self continues in every moment, every breath and every day!
If and when a king arrives, the queen will be chillin out sipping wine in gratitude for the sun setting over the lake! If he doesn't, she will still be smiling from ear to ear and dancing to every groove life brings!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Awaiting Peace
11:45 PM
I lay down to sleep sinking into the voice of positive affirmations reminding me to remember the truths that sometimes I begin to doubt. Somehow, unbelievably, almost 5 months from the last time we made love and well over a year since we officially separated, he still haunts me. Somehow, in the moments before I go to sleep and in those pre-dawn moments, my heart still aches for him and I am so sick of it! There is no way in hell I could even consider going back to him or taking him back so why does my mind not accept that as reality?
I start to drift off, fitfully, still hearing those wonderful affirmations trying to convince my broken heart and twisted mind that everything really is going to be better than I can ever imagine. For a moment I sleep, then the thought of him with the woman he replaced me with in less than 12 hours crosses my mind, and as if on cue, I hear the voice in my earphones say, "I do not look back into the past and put my mind only on the manifestation of those things which I want to be coming into my life now. The universal mind knows no past and by the law of attraction, everything I need is awaiting me now." Yet I still don't sleep. The entire audio track plays thru and now it is 2 AM and I am still wide awake, frustrated, cold and aching all the way to my core.
I walk into the house as if it was my own, maybe it once was. My mother is with me as well as 2 other friends. His new woman is in the kitchen, I walk in and say about 5 words to her, in essence something like, "I'm here to get my stuff," and think to myself "You stupid ignorant pathetic woman, you're so clueless to the truth." The house is big, he is upstairs, sleeping as usual probably and while part of me wants to rage up stairs and shake him senseless, another part of me is so sickened I know that even to see him would make me do and say things that would create far more suffering than I need to be responsible for. My elderly mother is needing the bathroom, and I'm feeling strangely empowered and out of place at the same time in this house that once was mine with his new, younger, fatter and not nearly as attractive as I am partner hiding in the kitchen in some kind of stupor and fear, maybe of having to face the truth of the rebound that she is for him.
I go to the altar and grab my tarot cards, and crystals and a few other things and head for the door. My mother is having some trouble in the bathroom, and in the meantime, she walks upstairs, going to bed with my ex, leaving us in the living room and I am terrified at what I am feeling capable of.
I wake up alarmed and disturbed, my heart aching with full intensity wondering if he's with her now in the "real" world. Is he awake thinking of me too somewhere, is he happy? Are they getting married, having a child? "Geez girl, go back to sleep and GET OVER IT already. How long are you going to let this take power from you?" But I don't sleep. I lay there wanting to cry and trying as hard as I can not to until dawn comes: another nite stolen by this heartbreak.
I start my day in a dreary mood, feeling at the edge of tears in spite of the sun shining gloriously on the mountains. I am incapable of doing anything more than just laying in the grass listening to the creek and feeling the sun on my body, and writing a few poems.
On my mind and not helping much with my self esteem is the fact that a few nites ago I went out dancing and went home with a very young famous snowboarder. I knew there would be passion and I guess some part of me was ready for it, for some distraction, some release and I think I was hoping an opportunity to nurture and be nurtured. This one was more animal than man though, and was so physically perfect I was blinded. Every inch of him, pure muscle from hours of training and perfecting his work on the slopes. His skin was smooth, brown and so soft next to mine and I let him more or less ravage me. At some point I realized I might be in a dangerous situation and also couldn't help but see that my heart hurt so much that even the possibility of him forcing himself into me wasn't enough to make me leave. Despair leading to total lack of self care and self respect? Really? Me? Well, he was exceptionally hot and his sexy voice speaking in German, then English, and his hands literally ripping at my flesh somehow were stimulating me in ways I'd never really experienced and so I let myself stay even when I felt his hand starting to close around my throat for a second and a warning sign flashed into my mind that I needed to be really on guard, that this man might very likely be capable of raping me.
He wasn't tender, nor was he sensitive, he was rough, hard, and like an animal and left me feeling ravaged, nearly raped and a cross between repulsed and delicious. It wasn't all bad, there were moments of tenderness and sweet soft kisses, but this one was just intense and very strong and willful. I let him into me for a very short moment, I'm not sure whether it was that I really wanted him or that I was afraid if I didn't let him in he'd force himself in and I wanted to have control of that. I flipped him over and held his hands down and rode him hard until I came and then told him he had to stop, he'd hurt me with his intensity and strength, which was true.
Am I the monster or him now? Of course I haven't heard from him, nor do I really expect to. We were really just two people who used each other for a nite of passion play, and I am now left feeling cheapened by the repercussions of my own heartbreak and it's effect on so many parts of my life. I am here now just awaiting peace.
I lay down to sleep sinking into the voice of positive affirmations reminding me to remember the truths that sometimes I begin to doubt. Somehow, unbelievably, almost 5 months from the last time we made love and well over a year since we officially separated, he still haunts me. Somehow, in the moments before I go to sleep and in those pre-dawn moments, my heart still aches for him and I am so sick of it! There is no way in hell I could even consider going back to him or taking him back so why does my mind not accept that as reality?
I start to drift off, fitfully, still hearing those wonderful affirmations trying to convince my broken heart and twisted mind that everything really is going to be better than I can ever imagine. For a moment I sleep, then the thought of him with the woman he replaced me with in less than 12 hours crosses my mind, and as if on cue, I hear the voice in my earphones say, "I do not look back into the past and put my mind only on the manifestation of those things which I want to be coming into my life now. The universal mind knows no past and by the law of attraction, everything I need is awaiting me now." Yet I still don't sleep. The entire audio track plays thru and now it is 2 AM and I am still wide awake, frustrated, cold and aching all the way to my core.
I walk into the house as if it was my own, maybe it once was. My mother is with me as well as 2 other friends. His new woman is in the kitchen, I walk in and say about 5 words to her, in essence something like, "I'm here to get my stuff," and think to myself "You stupid ignorant pathetic woman, you're so clueless to the truth." The house is big, he is upstairs, sleeping as usual probably and while part of me wants to rage up stairs and shake him senseless, another part of me is so sickened I know that even to see him would make me do and say things that would create far more suffering than I need to be responsible for. My elderly mother is needing the bathroom, and I'm feeling strangely empowered and out of place at the same time in this house that once was mine with his new, younger, fatter and not nearly as attractive as I am partner hiding in the kitchen in some kind of stupor and fear, maybe of having to face the truth of the rebound that she is for him.
I go to the altar and grab my tarot cards, and crystals and a few other things and head for the door. My mother is having some trouble in the bathroom, and in the meantime, she walks upstairs, going to bed with my ex, leaving us in the living room and I am terrified at what I am feeling capable of.
I wake up alarmed and disturbed, my heart aching with full intensity wondering if he's with her now in the "real" world. Is he awake thinking of me too somewhere, is he happy? Are they getting married, having a child? "Geez girl, go back to sleep and GET OVER IT already. How long are you going to let this take power from you?" But I don't sleep. I lay there wanting to cry and trying as hard as I can not to until dawn comes: another nite stolen by this heartbreak.
I start my day in a dreary mood, feeling at the edge of tears in spite of the sun shining gloriously on the mountains. I am incapable of doing anything more than just laying in the grass listening to the creek and feeling the sun on my body, and writing a few poems.
On my mind and not helping much with my self esteem is the fact that a few nites ago I went out dancing and went home with a very young famous snowboarder. I knew there would be passion and I guess some part of me was ready for it, for some distraction, some release and I think I was hoping an opportunity to nurture and be nurtured. This one was more animal than man though, and was so physically perfect I was blinded. Every inch of him, pure muscle from hours of training and perfecting his work on the slopes. His skin was smooth, brown and so soft next to mine and I let him more or less ravage me. At some point I realized I might be in a dangerous situation and also couldn't help but see that my heart hurt so much that even the possibility of him forcing himself into me wasn't enough to make me leave. Despair leading to total lack of self care and self respect? Really? Me? Well, he was exceptionally hot and his sexy voice speaking in German, then English, and his hands literally ripping at my flesh somehow were stimulating me in ways I'd never really experienced and so I let myself stay even when I felt his hand starting to close around my throat for a second and a warning sign flashed into my mind that I needed to be really on guard, that this man might very likely be capable of raping me.
He wasn't tender, nor was he sensitive, he was rough, hard, and like an animal and left me feeling ravaged, nearly raped and a cross between repulsed and delicious. It wasn't all bad, there were moments of tenderness and sweet soft kisses, but this one was just intense and very strong and willful. I let him into me for a very short moment, I'm not sure whether it was that I really wanted him or that I was afraid if I didn't let him in he'd force himself in and I wanted to have control of that. I flipped him over and held his hands down and rode him hard until I came and then told him he had to stop, he'd hurt me with his intensity and strength, which was true.
Am I the monster or him now? Of course I haven't heard from him, nor do I really expect to. We were really just two people who used each other for a nite of passion play, and I am now left feeling cheapened by the repercussions of my own heartbreak and it's effect on so many parts of my life. I am here now just awaiting peace.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Saas Fe
My mostly naked body welcomes the scorching sun's ravenous body licking. My mind is soothed by the sound of the creek's constant breath rolling over the rocks. The glacier's jutting down between the rocks tempts me to push past the pain in my knee for an escape from the mundane boring ness of cafe's and tourist shops.
I want to walk free again, to climb the faces of these mountains, to run, to dance, to be whole and not in pain anymore. Since the accident, the one where I totalled my car, my knee hasn't been the same. I'm pretty sure the meniscus is toast, but the Dr.s seem to think they know my body better than I do. I guess living in it every single day of my life doesn't really give me much authority to know what's going on.
Today I must find all of my strength, solace and nourishment just laying here near town in the shadow of the glacier by the cold silty blue green creek in a field of beautiful wild flowers. Life could be worse.
I am Saas Fe, Switzerland. My first time in Europe and I end up here in this amazingly beautiful little ski town with perfect idealic peaks and lush thick valleys that beckon me to hobble on into the sunset and not come back.
Just being here is an amazing blessing. I am enrolled in a Master's Program for Conflict Transformation and Peacebuilding, and I'm not even sure how it all happened. I don't feel that inspired yet by the program and am having some major doubts on whether I chose well or not. I'm beginning to think I'm here because I couldn't stop running.
Hence the knee. I've been running since the break up. Doing everything I could to keep busy, stay away from where he might be, keep out of town, distracted, full, and not letting my empty heart hurt too much for fear of falling back into the abyss of depression and despair. I've been going dancing as many nights as my fat swollen knee will let me and I know it's not doing any good for the poor little meniscus in there, but dancing is my pain killer and the tequilla and wine help to numb the knee enough to get me through the night.
It's not hard to see what I'm doing to myself. I'm playing with the men I'm dating more than seriously considering them as worthy of my devotion. I'm aching deep within while the outside is having a blast and revelling in my sensuality and physicality. I guess I don't know how else to get through it right now and even being able to see it, I'm not interested in shifting it. This is part of my journey and somehow I know this will shift in time to the stillness and by then I'll be through the worst of it and ready to be still.
That's what winter is for anyway.
I want to walk free again, to climb the faces of these mountains, to run, to dance, to be whole and not in pain anymore. Since the accident, the one where I totalled my car, my knee hasn't been the same. I'm pretty sure the meniscus is toast, but the Dr.s seem to think they know my body better than I do. I guess living in it every single day of my life doesn't really give me much authority to know what's going on.
Today I must find all of my strength, solace and nourishment just laying here near town in the shadow of the glacier by the cold silty blue green creek in a field of beautiful wild flowers. Life could be worse.
I am Saas Fe, Switzerland. My first time in Europe and I end up here in this amazingly beautiful little ski town with perfect idealic peaks and lush thick valleys that beckon me to hobble on into the sunset and not come back.
Just being here is an amazing blessing. I am enrolled in a Master's Program for Conflict Transformation and Peacebuilding, and I'm not even sure how it all happened. I don't feel that inspired yet by the program and am having some major doubts on whether I chose well or not. I'm beginning to think I'm here because I couldn't stop running.
Hence the knee. I've been running since the break up. Doing everything I could to keep busy, stay away from where he might be, keep out of town, distracted, full, and not letting my empty heart hurt too much for fear of falling back into the abyss of depression and despair. I've been going dancing as many nights as my fat swollen knee will let me and I know it's not doing any good for the poor little meniscus in there, but dancing is my pain killer and the tequilla and wine help to numb the knee enough to get me through the night.
It's not hard to see what I'm doing to myself. I'm playing with the men I'm dating more than seriously considering them as worthy of my devotion. I'm aching deep within while the outside is having a blast and revelling in my sensuality and physicality. I guess I don't know how else to get through it right now and even being able to see it, I'm not interested in shifting it. This is part of my journey and somehow I know this will shift in time to the stillness and by then I'll be through the worst of it and ready to be still.
That's what winter is for anyway.
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Next Chapter: Moving Into Mastery
Flying over the Atlantic in a timeless world between the US and Europe with a full night of travel ahead, I am relaxed. I am moving into grace and I can feel this next phase of my life holding the potential I've been working towards all year.
New life again at 40. There is no going back now to the life I once had. The life I shared with a man who I have finally had to accept as a coward, a liar and someone I can not trust in any way to be real with me. I'm a woman that needs realness. I have almost no tolerance for games and stories, and increasingly less it seems every day.
Single life has been getting better all the time too, I must say. I haven't been in any hurry to fill up the space he left or try to soothe the ripping hole in my heart, and as a result, I am enjoying the company of many men who are all showing me different aspects of myself and the masculine that I need to explore. It's like a wine tasting party of delightful men. A little sip here, clean the palette and a tiny taste of that one please.
I feel ready for this new life. Ready to face challenges and grow up into the woman I know I've been gestating for the last decade. I feel loved and supported by my community and finally truly feel happy, content and really pretty much OK with what life is presenting.
The men who are showing up in my life are all so supportive, and most importantly they are honest! Halleuijafrikkin-leuijah! Bring it on.
New life again at 40. There is no going back now to the life I once had. The life I shared with a man who I have finally had to accept as a coward, a liar and someone I can not trust in any way to be real with me. I'm a woman that needs realness. I have almost no tolerance for games and stories, and increasingly less it seems every day.
Single life has been getting better all the time too, I must say. I haven't been in any hurry to fill up the space he left or try to soothe the ripping hole in my heart, and as a result, I am enjoying the company of many men who are all showing me different aspects of myself and the masculine that I need to explore. It's like a wine tasting party of delightful men. A little sip here, clean the palette and a tiny taste of that one please.
I feel ready for this new life. Ready to face challenges and grow up into the woman I know I've been gestating for the last decade. I feel loved and supported by my community and finally truly feel happy, content and really pretty much OK with what life is presenting.
The men who are showing up in my life are all so supportive, and most importantly they are honest! Halleuijafrikkin-leuijah! Bring it on.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Cuba 5: Meeting the Angel
A huge beautiful man, 6'3, soft but strong, Ishmael is indeed an angel and I'm quite sure he's been sent from God for me to protect and guide me on this journey. He anchors me here in this dusty town as a place and person of refuge and comfort. Our connection is truly as artists respecting each other and as brother/sister family love. What a welcomed relief to spend so much quality time with a beautiful, elegant, refined artist of a man with no sexual overtones. He is so kind always to me, and we are learning to communicate pretty well in Spanglish though I'm sure at least half of what he tells me I mis-interpret or don't fully understand.
We can be silly and free together like children, and his child self, at 48, is so pure and so precious when it comes out to play. we laugh a lot and his smile lites up my world every day I am here. I picked him and was divinely guided to him thru some kin fo intuitive magic for sure.
Frankie and I were walking thru town the first nite strolling in the bliss or our reconnection in this amazing place and came across a man who was happy to hear us speaking English. Turns out this guy lives in the same town as my brother and was in Cuba visiting his father. I was sharing with him that I had come to Cuba to study and explore the Santeria religion and he got really excited and told me there was a cermemony happening right behind his father's house and we should go check it out! In my "first nite in Cuba" ignorance, I assumed it would be going on for a long time and took my time getting there with Frankie in tow. It was just ending when we arrived and I stood there not knowing what to do or how to make contact but knowing I had been led here by spirit the first nite so that I could immediately start the work I had come to do!
Frankie was sure if I initiated contact right then that we'd be sacrificed on the spot, and we laughed hysterically about that story, lingering around outside watching the white dressed Santos pouring out of the house. Then I saw this large man and I knew somehow that he was the one I needed to talk to and lingered around til he started to walk off and then followed him, with Frankie encouraging me not to make contact and to come back in the daylight. When he was a few hundred paces from the house, I said hello and introduced myself and in my pathetic spanish explained to him that I wanted to respect his culture and also that I was here to learn and could he help me! That was how I met Ishmael, my beautiful angel friend!
We can be silly and free together like children, and his child self, at 48, is so pure and so precious when it comes out to play. we laugh a lot and his smile lites up my world every day I am here. I picked him and was divinely guided to him thru some kin fo intuitive magic for sure.
Frankie and I were walking thru town the first nite strolling in the bliss or our reconnection in this amazing place and came across a man who was happy to hear us speaking English. Turns out this guy lives in the same town as my brother and was in Cuba visiting his father. I was sharing with him that I had come to Cuba to study and explore the Santeria religion and he got really excited and told me there was a cermemony happening right behind his father's house and we should go check it out! In my "first nite in Cuba" ignorance, I assumed it would be going on for a long time and took my time getting there with Frankie in tow. It was just ending when we arrived and I stood there not knowing what to do or how to make contact but knowing I had been led here by spirit the first nite so that I could immediately start the work I had come to do!
Frankie was sure if I initiated contact right then that we'd be sacrificed on the spot, and we laughed hysterically about that story, lingering around outside watching the white dressed Santos pouring out of the house. Then I saw this large man and I knew somehow that he was the one I needed to talk to and lingered around til he started to walk off and then followed him, with Frankie encouraging me not to make contact and to come back in the daylight. When he was a few hundred paces from the house, I said hello and introduced myself and in my pathetic spanish explained to him that I wanted to respect his culture and also that I was here to learn and could he help me! That was how I met Ishmael, my beautiful angel friend!
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