Begin Again

What's most important is that I start writing again. Every day, twice a day. There needs to be some conversation from myself to myself and writing is one of the best ways I can have that conversation. I've gotten lost again. I was standing in the brilliance of myself 8 months ago. Flying high on wings of self reliance and self love. I was, I thought, over the hump. I had left self sabotage and doubt behind. I had conquered the fear of solitude, lonlieness and I was the master of my reality. And then I fell into the arms of yet another man child. A man so incredibly physically alluring to me that I put all of my wisdom and intelligence on the line. He drew me in with sweetness and his constant availability. He took care of me when I had surgery, creating a bond that made me feel cherished for just long enough for me to get sucked in. He worked through every situation with me, stayed with me through all my reactions and hurts, and there were plenty of hurts that surfaced quickly with him. He verbally abused me when I didn't act or speak in the "right" ways. He let me know first and foremost that he wasn't "that" into me to be only with me and that he wasn't willing to give up other women. There were lots of other women. Women he was sex texting, women online, porn, women I walked in and saw him making out with on the same night that we were on a date, a woman he started sleeping with as soon as I left the state to go travel. I could see the pattern repeating and it triggered all my old trauma from my past. It was an 8 month "open" relationship that relived my 8 years with my ex on a much more intense level. I was the one who wanted it open at first, because the sexual addiction, both his and mine, have been so clear. The abuse was so clear. The willingness I had to "deal" and "endure" was so clear. My hurts and my feelings of betrayal were so clear. My "settling" for something so much less than what I really want is so clear. I dated other guys the whole time, but barely. I let my heart become his. Now I am left with the work of detaching and giving my heart back to myself. A few things have been different: he has been honest for the most part about his own not wanting to commit and I have respected that. He has worked through his anger and abusive tendencies once I put my foot down. I hit a place where I really realized how much he was like my father, throwing anger around like it was OK and I drew a line. I told him if he wanted me in his life as any kind of friend or connection that it had to stop and never happen again. Since then everything changed. He left his lover he picked up while I was travelling to come back to me, and we took another short round, just like my ex and I. This time, however, I was the one who said, "I'm done now" after he expressed to me that he didn't value me enough to commit to me sexually. I realized how much this pattern has affected my self esteem and I said, "Thank you, but no thank you. I've had enough." That was just a week and a half ago. We still communicate most days. He truly has become an incredible friend and while I know there has been much unhealthy in the dynamic, something about the way we are transitioning is healing for me. I don't want to lose another friend because I can't accept that I'm not "the one" for him. I don't want to hate someone because I'm not "the one" for him, nor do I want to be angry at him for not being "the one" for me. I knew from the first date with him that he wasn't a good choice for me. I allowed it because I was lonely, he was so sexy and I just wanted some love and companionship. Now the work is to return again to the altar of my heart and desires. To return again to self. To take solace in my solitude rather than wanting to fill it up and waste time and energy on a man who can not give me what I want so deeply. The journey back to self seems to be a continuous cycle. Now I am summoning soul.