Begin Again

What's most important is that I start writing again. Every day, twice a day. There needs to be some conversation from myself to myself and writing is one of the best ways I can have that conversation. I've gotten lost again. I was standing in the brilliance of myself 8 months ago. Flying high on wings of self reliance and self love. I was, I thought, over the hump. I had left self sabotage and doubt behind. I had conquered the fear of solitude, lonlieness and I was the master of my reality. And then I fell into the arms of yet another man child. A man so incredibly physically alluring to me that I put all of my wisdom and intelligence on the line. He drew me in with sweetness and his constant availability. He took care of me when I had surgery, creating a bond that made me feel cherished for just long enough for me to get sucked in. He worked through every situation with me, stayed with me through all my reactions and hurts, and there were plenty of hurts that surfaced quickly with him. He verbally abused me when I didn't act or speak in the "right" ways. He let me know first and foremost that he wasn't "that" into me to be only with me and that he wasn't willing to give up other women. There were lots of other women. Women he was sex texting, women online, porn, women I walked in and saw him making out with on the same night that we were on a date, a woman he started sleeping with as soon as I left the state to go travel. I could see the pattern repeating and it triggered all my old trauma from my past. It was an 8 month "open" relationship that relived my 8 years with my ex on a much more intense level. I was the one who wanted it open at first, because the sexual addiction, both his and mine, have been so clear. The abuse was so clear. The willingness I had to "deal" and "endure" was so clear. My hurts and my feelings of betrayal were so clear. My "settling" for something so much less than what I really want is so clear. I dated other guys the whole time, but barely. I let my heart become his. Now I am left with the work of detaching and giving my heart back to myself. A few things have been different: he has been honest for the most part about his own not wanting to commit and I have respected that. He has worked through his anger and abusive tendencies once I put my foot down. I hit a place where I really realized how much he was like my father, throwing anger around like it was OK and I drew a line. I told him if he wanted me in his life as any kind of friend or connection that it had to stop and never happen again. Since then everything changed. He left his lover he picked up while I was travelling to come back to me, and we took another short round, just like my ex and I. This time, however, I was the one who said, "I'm done now" after he expressed to me that he didn't value me enough to commit to me sexually. I realized how much this pattern has affected my self esteem and I said, "Thank you, but no thank you. I've had enough." That was just a week and a half ago. We still communicate most days. He truly has become an incredible friend and while I know there has been much unhealthy in the dynamic, something about the way we are transitioning is healing for me. I don't want to lose another friend because I can't accept that I'm not "the one" for him. I don't want to hate someone because I'm not "the one" for him, nor do I want to be angry at him for not being "the one" for me. I knew from the first date with him that he wasn't a good choice for me. I allowed it because I was lonely, he was so sexy and I just wanted some love and companionship. Now the work is to return again to the altar of my heart and desires. To return again to self. To take solace in my solitude rather than wanting to fill it up and waste time and energy on a man who can not give me what I want so deeply. The journey back to self seems to be a continuous cycle. Now I am summoning soul.

Unfinished Business

Here I am again, running stories and regrets through my mind. Plagued and disturbed by my own inadequacies and lack of ability to let go of something that isn't good for me. Thinking that if I can just love enough, be open enough, give enough, try hard enough, accept enough responsibility that I can get the love I seem to need so badly from someone who doesn't even know how to love himself. I guess it's unfinished business. When I met Tomas I was desperate for some where to direct my love. My body wanted sex and comfort so badly that I really thought I could have a meaningless fling and not get attached. I knew the first night we hung out that he was toxic, but I didn't think he'd stick around long enough for it to become what it has. I was getting through things and starting to really shine and love myself again, and I gave that all up somehow in trade for Tomas somehow. I never thought Tomas and I would still be hanging out 8 months later, but I seem to have a really hard time letting go. I care about him, want to help him, and more than anything there's some incredibly strong cord, attachment, yes I will say, "need" to be with him that hurts the same way it did with Jessee when I tried to disconnect. I know it's partially that I never got fully OK with myself, though I was well on my way when I met Tomas. I thought maybe I was ready for a relationship even, and perhaps I was for a healthy one, but instead I got sucked into something that has been much more unhealthy than Jessee ever was in the worst of moments. Now, I'm attached and the sickness in me has clung to him as it's lifeline. He's a million degrees sicker than Jessee was around sexual addiction. He's aggressive and hurtful often and somehow that lost, scared little girl in me has fallen in love with him, and keeps trying to please him and do the right thing to try to hold onto something that really offers me nothing but sometimes some sexual pleasure and release and occassionally some enjoyable companionship. Most of the time, he's impossible and not that fun. He's unhappy, grumpy and easily irritated and rarely can be part of any other aspect of my life except sleeping together. The question I keep asking myself over and over is what is it that draws me to men with such serious sexual addiction and emotional unavailability? It's not what I want, yet I fall so hard for it and try so hard to make myself loved and accepted by men who don't even love themselves and who are so in denial of their sickness that they can't be present to it's impacts. Here I go again. Another round. I want it to be the last. I want to learn to attach to healthy relationships and functional available men. I don't know how, but I want to learn. I can't go through another round like this ever again.