Reflection on a Year of Change

For some reason, February is always my real new year. It's always the time when things start to really feel fresh and alive again within me. January is more of a stewing time, ideas and intuitions are churning but usually January is a time of such maintenance level work that the newness doesn't really get birthed until February. I am finding myself again in Costa Rica this year reflecting now on what has proven to be one of the most challenging years of my adult life.

It was February when I made my statement of exiting my relationship, and now, a year later, I am finally feeling inspiration return, and in new ways that I am happy to allow space for and cultivate. It has been a year of deep introspection and a lot of turmoil and chaos. Some of the most intense pain I've ever experienced inwardly has softened me, not hardened me, and for that I am so grateful. I feel like I can speak and be in a place of wisdom and truth when I share with others what heartbreak and mental turmoil are like because I really allowed myself to sit in and with it all.

Now, a year later, I feel more ready to move forward resting in the knowingness that I did not run away or hide from any of it. I moved with authenticity and respected my heart even when I knew doing so would open me to being hurt more. I challenged myself to keep opening my heart and showing up in the truth of what I felt, not to run away, not to shut down, not to cut and sever, but to integrate the experience of grief, loss, heartbreak, betrayal, deception, disappointment and all the myriads of emotions that came with it all from insecurity to depression. Now, I am at peace with him, with his choices that hurt me, and with myself for giving myself permission to be real with myself every step of the way, even when it wasn't pretty or "cool."


Last year, thru the recurrent dreams I was having of wild cats and domesticated wild cats, I birthed a vision of working with women to help other women reclaim their own power and primal essence. The dreams were so powerfully clear that my soul was calling for a break from domesticity, and a way back to the true untamable essence that is my nature. In one dream, I birthed a litter of cats that were sort of alien felines, and went to pick one up and it clawed at me and attacked me. I had to kill it, then run and lock the door to escape the others as they all turned wild on me, the one who had birthed them. In another dream, the land I was working on allowed poachers to come and kill a big beautiful tiger for money to survive, a representation of selling my soul and passion for "security and money." In another a panther was on a leash like a dog, beaten and subdued, looking pathetically disempowered. It was dream after dream like this, screaming at me to look deeply at what I was trading for the illusion of security and comfort.

Out of this, awareness came to me that I had much work to do to reconnect myself to myself and to the Wild Feminine Essence that the Feline energy was so clearly representing for me in the dreamtime. Being who I am, I love to share the journey and learn with and from others, and so the vision that began to germinate was to bring forth opportunities for other women to take the journey with me and see what we find and how we can support and nurture each other thru this experience. Being in nature was so powerful for me every day to reflect and watch and listen to what the ultimate "wild woman," Mother Nature, had to share with me. Reconnecting deeply to nature, her cycles and vibrations was one of the most healing elements of my journey, and remains so.

That desire, to share and support other women on their journey back to self, is why I started writing this journal, as I know that someday, some woman may read this and find solace and support. If my journey home can help one other woman to find herself home within herself, I have done a great service and can leave the planet knowing I made some kind of difference.

I have been working more and more with women's groups in this past year and seeing the fruit of that seed come into existence is a great source of joy and inspiration for me. Just before I left Costa Rica I sat with a good friend and ally in the creative arts world and shared with her my dreams and the vision. We put together a concept for a retreat to bring women together here in Costa Rica to tap into that essence of awakening our authentic, natural essence.

As I sit here now, with the waves crashing on the shore and the cicadas chirping it up, I am reflecting on all the pieces that have fallen into place perfectly to bring me here now to this place of feeling re-inspired and reconnected in a new way to my purpose and passions. It was just a few days ago that I completed, with two other awesome facilitators, and 10 participants, a 5 day long retreat entitled, "Awaken the Wild Woman Within." The retreat was wildly successful overall and in it's afterbliss, I am having some much needed down time to reflect on my year and my own passage back to self.

Truly it has been an epic year and when I look at the goodness of what all the pain has brought forth in maturity, wisdom and depth, it's hard to be anything but grateful for the journey. Yes, I lost a lover, and a companion, and for sure compromised some of my own self respect along the way LOL. My best friend is no longer a daily part of my life and I can't say there are too many days when I don't miss him at least for a few moments still. I still wake most days and think of him, and send him love before I go to bed. Who knows how long that will all take to subside fully. We are still very good friends, but I am finally acknowledging that it is over and finding peace and acceptance with it all. With all the pain, with all the suffering, with all the self inflicted replays of the traumas, with all the sweetness we've shared too over this year of continuing to show up to love each other thru the stories.

It's taken me almost a year to really get here but here I am! I love him, and will always love him, and no doubt, he loves me more than he can even deal with. That chapter however, is clearly done and I can never go back to that way of being with him or myself. Perhaps one day we may come together in a new way with all the wisdom and self strength we are finding now, or perhaps not. I am not longer attached or invested in either option. My life is moving forward, and the love of my life is becoming once again my self. Tonite I sit here with a glass of wine celebrating the arrival of this moment, to be able to feel strong, OK, safe, powerfully vulnerable, competent and capable of overcoming my own demons and fears. I am in love with life, totally in bliss in this beautiful place overlooking the ocean and nestled into the jungle and my heart is bursting with the desire to share and serve in any ways I can!

Blessed nite! A celebration of the spirit!

Embracing our Feminine Sensual Yumminess

Home from a night of dancing in the hot steamy sultryness that is Costa Rica's club vibe, bodies grinding, music bumping, lights altering reality enough to lose the mind's normal state of attachment to thought and I am liberated. Just two hours of pulsing hips and swirling sensuality and I feel alive again, like myself again, like a queen again. The remembrance of my power as a woman comes alive somehow on the dance floor with men half my age pushing their hips against mine in recognition of the power held within a woman. Their hands wandering my body lustfully, but somehow also lovingly appreciating the sensuality I embody when I move.

And because I trust myself, and know myself and my boundaries, I can enjoy and relish in this passionate exchange that and only tap into and feel the appreciation of man for woman, woman for man. Because I am clear with my intentions, it is safe for me to play, express and enjoy the dance for just a dance. Yum I say to this blissful exchange. Yum I say to the way I feel invigorated, alive, reminded of my essence as a woman with a man's hands feeling the curves and soft places around my waist and hips as we move together as one, finding joy and sweetness together.

And as inviting and intoxicating as are the men, so too are the women here who also feel and own their sensual yumminess dancing together, grinding ass to yoni and yoni to ass with a grab of a hip or a soft smile with knowingness spreading between us as women of the enticement that we are even to ourselves and each other.

Yum... wild woman divine essence of sensuality and bliss. I welcome you home to me again!

Depression's Delusion

Hard to fully even belive the reality of the life I am moving thru. It's somewhat like a dream, a kind of state between states that I've been living in for almost a year now. I'm not sure what it will take to snap me out of this dazed half life I am in.

I am depressed but playing one hell of a good game of ignoring it and one hell of a good game of faking out everyone around me.

For me depression maybe looks different than how most people imagine it.

I keep going, full speed ahead. I isolate more, so no one can see the truth that lies just behind the smile and sparkle of mysterious melancholy made to appear as peaceful acceptance.

I lie in bed til 7 or 8 after waking at 3 or 4 or hopefully 5 or 6 AM where most people would imagine a depressed person to stay in bed til atleast 10 or 11.

I throw parties and dress up pretty and go talk it up in town just enough to continue the facade.

I go to the gym, stay in shape, eat pretty well and self medicate with music, marijuana and an elixir called jun rather than sucking down crap food and alcohol.

But when I stop, and my eyes meet my eyes, as they did tonite while I was in the midst of a workout, the sadness is so tangible, the grief so accessible, the agony of this hell I have chosen to put myself thru for almost a year is so present that in less than an instant the tears well up and I have to look away from the half queen, half wife battered peasant that stares back at me from the mirror.

My kind of depression looks pretty much passable for the average person's normalcy. My kind of depression may never even be seen fully by anyone buy myself. Perhaps I could keep on like this for a whole lifetime if I really chose to.

My kind of depression could send me silently and seductively into a cave of my own creation.

Years ago, when I was still a teenager, I remember writing a poem that somehow never has left my mind. "Inside the soul cell she screams..." were the opening lines. I must find that poem soon and revisit it's madness, perhaps it will teach me some way out of this ever growing deep well I seem to be still slowly swimming deeper into.

The more reading I do, the more frightened I become of what I have become, which, LOL serves only to send me deeper into grief and sorrow.