I went to church today. I woke up with a place inside that wanted God and fellowship so deeply. I love church. I don't go so often, because I live most of my life as if the whole world is my church. I pray all the time, wherever I am. I am the temple I need and go to most often. Today however, I went to church.

The service was so perfectly aligned with what I needed to hear on letting go and trusting in the unkown! Somewhere in the midst of it I got a hit that it was time for me to start reading "A Course in Miracles." I'd visited it once or twice in the past, but never really felt fully called as I did today. Synchronically, when I went downstairs to the church's lending library, there sat a big fat full teacher's version of A Course in Miracles, ready to go home with me.

A few nuggets I pulled out in the first read:

"When you have become willing to hide nothing, you will not only be willing to enter into communion but you will understand peace and joy."

"The escape from darkness involves two stages:
1. The recognition that darkness can not hide
2. The recognition that there is nothing you want to hide, even if you could. This step brings escape from fear."

"Recognize your errors and choose to abandon them."

"Every aspect of fear comes from upside down perception. The more truly creative devote their efforts to correcting perceptual distortions. The neurotic to compromise and the psychotic tries to escape by establishing the certain truth of his own errors. He is the most difficult to free because he is consistent in his denial of truth."

Wow! Not bad for a first read of a few pages!

I can see clearly where I have been the creative, the neurotic and for short moments even the psychotic in this journey. Mostly though I have fallen into the creative's role. My prayer and intention has been for understanding things and seeing things clearly.


These past months have been such a journey and I have only one prayer now: my prayer is to fully let go and recognize that I deserve so much better and so much more than what I even know! My prayer is to be more free tomorrow and that I awaken in joy of a new day with no regrets, no hurts, no more suffering.

My prayer is to awaken free and wild like the wind.

Gratitude I AM

Sitting with sunlite streaming into me
The mists floating
Gently hovering above the stillness of the lake
Hiding the mountain tops
Shadows of trees melting into their sensual embrace

Gratitude I Am

Tears of acknowledgement flowing
for every step of the journey that has led me
Here Now

Quietly reflecting on this life
My heart has been busted sweetly open
Again and again and again

Tears of rage have brought me compassionate understanding
Fears of losing have taught me the richness that I Am
thru Vulnerability's bitter but sweet deep kisses

Gratitude I Am

Depression has taught me the mysterious ways that darkness calls forth lite
Anxiety has shown me to rest thru exhaustion's paralyzing inertia
Grief is still teaching me the preciousness of each moment
Grief reminds me to listen less
to fear, depresssion and anxiety's strangely seductive songs

Gratitude I Am

Dancing mind births surrender into stillness
The lines on my face etch my time passing
like a wild tempest wind
Fast and furiously earth shaking

This home allows me to be the grace I am thru the sharing of space that is my bliss

Gratitude I Am

For the passing of cycles
Fall into winter
Forgivenss into compassion
Anger into Soft sadness
Stillness into Divine Union

Gratitude I Am

For the friends who have listened to my stories
Again and again and again

For the mother who carried me in her womb
gifting me this life
to be challenged
to be overjoyed
to be witness and witnessed

For the creatures great and small
that amaze and captivate my heart with awe
The four leggeds and winged ones
The creepy's and the crawlies
The enchanted ones of the sea and the underworlds
For this earth and all it's abundance and ever unfolding magic

For the gifts of rhythm and song
And all that they have allowed me to experience as bliss in union with Creation

Gratitude I Am

For my unbalanced intensity that humbles me
when it rages thru me like a tidal wave
reminding me my work is far from done
Reminding me that I am

For what some call my "overexpressiveness" and all that it represents
as one being being real and authentic in this under expressed society
where so many are afraid of truth and heart felt sharings
For the facade that I refuse to wear that "societal" appropriateness dictates

For the scared insecure little girl
who is as much me as is the Warrior Queen
As fearless as I am, so too are the depths of my fears

Gratitude I AM

As above, so below
For the duality and it's suffering nature
reminding me to discipline myself more to choose acceptance of what is

For this home I sit in now and all that it has already been home to
love, life, music, community and warm fires..

For the teachers in every being I meet
For this moment now

Quietly sitting with sunlite streaming into me
The mists floating
Gently hovering above the stillness of the lake
Hiding the mountain tops
Shadows of trees melting into their sensual embrace

And tears flowing like sweet nectar
to soften all of me into the
Gratitude I Am

Shifting

Seven months and this is still going on. Something in me is shifting, and I am finding myself wondering what exactly I'm thinking by even allowing this to be the way it is. I'm totally letting him dictate the terms of it all and in the midst my heart is feeling unsafe and more vulnerable than ever. Something in the whole process is exciting to me, to try on a new way of being, to try on this concept of open relationship and explore it within the context of an 8 year love that clearly is far from "over" or "done." Yet something is shifting, organically and maybe because it must.

Clearly we love each other, deeply and truly beyond all stories and beyond all circumstances. Clearly we want to spend time together and not be "done" or "finished." Clearly, his allusions to possible future times working and being together are founded in his heart.

And clearly, this is not allowing me to fully move forward with a new life and into new possibilities. And clearly, my intuition, through dreams and then clear reminders from the women he's been involved with, is speaking truth to me to be very careful and to get out now with what's left of my dignity.

So I am making a committment to shifting fully into myself and a more realized state of beingness where my life, my work and my passions can come forth again. I have put way too much time and energy into worrying and being concerned about what he's up to and who else he is sleeping with, etc. and that all needs to shift into myself and my future work and life. Giving him full permission and the space to be with those women is the best thing I could do, it's really all he has been asking for and it's time I allow it and not care anymore and not let it dictate my own self worth or self esteem. If he wants to go be with his little stripper friend, so be it. I have higher goals to think about and a world to share with and be of service to.