The force

Nothing seems to have substance right now.  It as if suddenly my blinders have been removed and I am seeing the frivolity of my life and all the players in it thru a lens of new possibility.  A possibility that has almost seemed forbidden to me, no that has been forbidden.  I am a white woman, born into an upper middle class family with a college degree.  I should have gotten married, had 2.2 kids, created a "career" and a good living for myself by now.  Instead, my passion and desire is becoming the driving obsession for my life to change.

A force that is beyond my comprehension, that has always been beyond my comprehension, is now putting itself into the driver seat of my life and demanding that I follow it's course.  I can't explain it.  It makes no rational sense.  There isn't any "reason" for it's existance or any real concrete foundation for it to even be real.  Yet this force is clearly stepping up and demanding my attention. 

There is no more ability for me to resist.  I want it to take me.  I have become weakened by my own desires and inspired by my passion to gladly and graciously step aside and let it lead me wherever it may.  I am not afraid of it, though perhaps I should be.  I am intrigued to my core by it's whispers in my ear.  I am excited when it pushes itself thru and into my being like the Cuban lover I have recently taken in spite of my resistance, as if it knows me better than I know myself.

The moments now are filled with imagery of what I know is coming.  I see the rock in the Caribbean, and can feel the rhythms it pulses out into the sea.  I see the swaggering black kings and queens rolling their hips along side streets calling out to each other as they pass by.  I hear the drums and the chants to Eleggua, see the sweat pouring down my own face as I dance for the Orisha's.  I see my good friend Ishmael's face light up with love as I walk towards him for the first time in two years, our hearts busting at the seams with love and kinship we can't understand any more than I can understand this force moving thru me.

Every breath is for my return now.  Every moment this obsession pulls me closer and I more willingly succomb to it's embrace.

Take me home to Cuba.  If I get lost there, leave me to those noble beautiful dark skinned angels.  I know in their care I will be safe at home at last.

Possible Opening Statement to the Next Book of My Life

There are some things in life that are inexplicable. Certain burning passions that make no real sense.  

It is that mystery which has captivated my heart and may change my life again.  

A deep well suppressed calling is screaming now thru my skull, penetrating my heart and soul and intoxicating my very breath with a desire for it's fulfillment.  I have left it waiting so long.  I have barely spoken to it or allowed it to whisper it's seductions in the deep of night.   It is now like a gently awakening creature coming to life as summer fades into the cold. 

The dream has been awakened fully in my consciousness now.  A dream of disappearing into another place and time, of allowing the dark primal pulses of past lives, pure lust and spiritual yearning to merge in the church of rhythm, spirit and flesh.  The dream of leaving modernity's maladies of money seeking, soul sucking monotony and re-entering the temple of trance, ceremony and music.

I am ready for my initiation at last.  Let the spirits move me as they will.