Busy-ness keeps the beast at bay. As long as there is a project, a goal, a something to be heading for, a place to direct the flow of energy, a reason to be alive, then the beast stays quiet and just feeds on occassion of the remnants of my past and present.
Space is both the brutal reminder of the depths of the hole in my heart and also the kind gentle friend that allows me to feel my heart's longing and desires. Space feeds the hunger of the beast and makes it roar and rage in discontent in these times of forced solitude.
There is no way out but through, my mantra, my motto, my life's ultimate path. Distractions, dance, work, projects are all lovely time passers, but at the end of the day, when space is really present and I am alone again with myself, the reality is still as it is. I am alone in this world. Perhaps even more accurately, I am a loner in this world.
I want to fill the space, sometimes so bad I let men in who have no business being near me. Tonight I'd take a lover in a moment just to quench the call of my desire, to feel flesh on flesh for a few moments, to hear soft breath in my ear whispering passion and riding waves of ecstasy. It's almost tempting to call an old lover, but experience reminds me that it will only be the same disappointment and the same journey but deeper in dysfunction and hurt if another round ensued.
The sunset is divine though, and the red wine swirling thru my mouth tastes of rasperry's and rich tannins. I am hungry for a lover, hungry for touch, hungry for the intimacy that always seems to be fleeting and temporary.
Tonight the beast is prowling thru the cave of my heart and wreaking havoc once again on my self esteem. Is there something wrong with me? Why do I scare men so much? What is it that keeps me from letting down my guard to let in someone who can really take care of me and who will appreciate the care I offer back? Why do I attract such shit for men? When will Mr. Right show up and remind me that something better is possible?
The sun is setting.. and here I am.. a glass of wine, and a heart hurting but somehow surrendered to the reality of what just is.
