Awaiting Peace

11:45 PM
I lay down to sleep sinking into the voice of positive affirmations reminding me to remember the truths that sometimes I begin to doubt. Somehow, unbelievably, almost 5 months from the last time we made love and well over a year since we officially separated, he still haunts me. Somehow, in the moments before I go to sleep and in those pre-dawn moments, my heart still aches for him and I am so sick of it! There is no way in hell I could even consider going back to him or taking him back so why does my mind not accept that as reality?

I start to drift off, fitfully, still hearing those wonderful affirmations trying to convince my broken heart and twisted mind that everything really is going to be better than I can ever imagine. For a moment I sleep, then the thought of him with the woman he replaced me with in less than 12 hours crosses my mind, and as if on cue, I hear the voice in my earphones say, "I do not look back into the past and put my mind only on the manifestation of those things which I want to be coming into my life now. The universal mind knows no past and by the law of attraction, everything I need is awaiting me now." Yet I still don't sleep. The entire audio track plays thru and now it is 2 AM and I am still wide awake, frustrated, cold and aching all the way to my core.

I walk into the house as if it was my own, maybe it once was. My mother is with me as well as 2 other friends. His new woman is in the kitchen, I walk in and say about 5 words to her, in essence something like, "I'm here to get my stuff," and think to myself "You stupid ignorant pathetic woman, you're so clueless to the truth." The house is big, he is upstairs, sleeping as usual probably and while part of me wants to rage up stairs and shake him senseless, another part of me is so sickened I know that even to see him would make me do and say things that would create far more suffering than I need to be responsible for. My elderly mother is needing the bathroom, and I'm feeling strangely empowered and out of place at the same time in this house that once was mine with his new, younger, fatter and not nearly as attractive as I am partner hiding in the kitchen in some kind of stupor and fear, maybe of having to face the truth of the rebound that she is for him.

I go to the altar and grab my tarot cards, and crystals and a few other things and head for the door. My mother is having some trouble in the bathroom, and in the meantime, she walks upstairs, going to bed with my ex, leaving us in the living room and I am terrified at what I am feeling capable of.

I wake up alarmed and disturbed, my heart aching with full intensity wondering if he's with her now in the "real" world. Is he awake thinking of me too somewhere, is he happy? Are they getting married, having a child? "Geez girl, go back to sleep and GET OVER IT already. How long are you going to let this take power from you?" But I don't sleep. I lay there wanting to cry and trying as hard as I can not to until dawn comes: another nite stolen by this heartbreak.

I start my day in a dreary mood, feeling at the edge of tears in spite of the sun shining gloriously on the mountains. I am incapable of doing anything more than just laying in the grass listening to the creek and feeling the sun on my body, and writing a few poems.

On my mind and not helping much with my self esteem is the fact that a few nites ago I went out dancing and went home with a very young famous snowboarder. I knew there would be passion and I guess some part of me was ready for it, for some distraction, some release and I think I was hoping an opportunity to nurture and be nurtured. This one was more animal than man though, and was so physically perfect I was blinded. Every inch of him, pure muscle from hours of training and perfecting his work on the slopes. His skin was smooth, brown and so soft next to mine and I let him more or less ravage me. At some point I realized I might be in a dangerous situation and also couldn't help but see that my heart hurt so much that even the possibility of him forcing himself into me wasn't enough to make me leave. Despair leading to total lack of self care and self respect? Really? Me? Well, he was exceptionally hot and his sexy voice speaking in German, then English, and his hands literally ripping at my flesh somehow were stimulating me in ways I'd never really experienced and so I let myself stay even when I felt his hand starting to close around my throat for a second and a warning sign flashed into my mind that I needed to be really on guard, that this man might very likely be capable of raping me.

He wasn't tender, nor was he sensitive, he was rough, hard, and like an animal and left me feeling ravaged, nearly raped and a cross between repulsed and delicious. It wasn't all bad, there were moments of tenderness and sweet soft kisses, but this one was just intense and very strong and willful. I let him into me for a very short moment, I'm not sure whether it was that I really wanted him or that I was afraid if I didn't let him in he'd force himself in and I wanted to have control of that. I flipped him over and held his hands down and rode him hard until I came and then told him he had to stop, he'd hurt me with his intensity and strength, which was true.

Am I the monster or him now? Of course I haven't heard from him, nor do I really expect to. We were really just two people who used each other for a nite of passion play, and I am now left feeling cheapened by the repercussions of my own heartbreak and it's effect on so many parts of my life. I am here now just awaiting peace.

Saas Fe

My mostly naked body welcomes the scorching sun's ravenous body licking. My mind is soothed by the sound of the creek's constant breath rolling over the rocks. The glacier's jutting down between the rocks tempts me to push past the pain in my knee for an escape from the mundane boring ness of cafe's and tourist shops.

I want to walk free again, to climb the faces of these mountains, to run, to dance, to be whole and not in pain anymore. Since the accident, the one where I totalled my car, my knee hasn't been the same. I'm pretty sure the meniscus is toast, but the Dr.s seem to think they know my body better than I do. I guess living in it every single day of my life doesn't really give me much authority to know what's going on.

Today I must find all of my strength, solace and nourishment just laying here near town in the shadow of the glacier by the cold silty blue green creek in a field of beautiful wild flowers. Life could be worse.

I am Saas Fe, Switzerland. My first time in Europe and I end up here in this amazingly beautiful little ski town with perfect idealic peaks and lush thick valleys that beckon me to hobble on into the sunset and not come back.

Just being here is an amazing blessing. I am enrolled in a Master's Program for Conflict Transformation and Peacebuilding, and I'm not even sure how it all happened. I don't feel that inspired yet by the program and am having some major doubts on whether I chose well or not. I'm beginning to think I'm here because I couldn't stop running.

Hence the knee. I've been running since the break up. Doing everything I could to keep busy, stay away from where he might be, keep out of town, distracted, full, and not letting my empty heart hurt too much for fear of falling back into the abyss of depression and despair. I've been going dancing as many nights as my fat swollen knee will let me and I know it's not doing any good for the poor little meniscus in there, but dancing is my pain killer and the tequilla and wine help to numb the knee enough to get me through the night.

It's not hard to see what I'm doing to myself. I'm playing with the men I'm dating more than seriously considering them as worthy of my devotion. I'm aching deep within while the outside is having a blast and revelling in my sensuality and physicality. I guess I don't know how else to get through it right now and even being able to see it, I'm not interested in shifting it. This is part of my journey and somehow I know this will shift in time to the stillness and by then I'll be through the worst of it and ready to be still.

That's what winter is for anyway.

The Next Chapter: Moving Into Mastery

Flying over the Atlantic in a timeless world between the US and Europe with a full night of travel ahead, I am relaxed. I am moving into grace and I can feel this next phase of my life holding the potential I've been working towards all year.

New life again at 40. There is no going back now to the life I once had. The life I shared with a man who I have finally had to accept as a coward, a liar and someone I can not trust in any way to be real with me. I'm a woman that needs realness. I have almost no tolerance for games and stories, and increasingly less it seems every day.

Single life has been getting better all the time too, I must say. I haven't been in any hurry to fill up the space he left or try to soothe the ripping hole in my heart, and as a result, I am enjoying the company of many men who are all showing me different aspects of myself and the masculine that I need to explore. It's like a wine tasting party of delightful men. A little sip here, clean the palette and a tiny taste of that one please.

I feel ready for this new life. Ready to face challenges and grow up into the woman I know I've been gestating for the last decade. I feel loved and supported by my community and finally truly feel happy, content and really pretty much OK with what life is presenting.

The men who are showing up in my life are all so supportive, and most importantly they are honest! Halleuijafrikkin-leuijah! Bring it on.