Returning To The Joy of Life!

Woke up this morning to the sounds of a billion birds singing joyful exaltations for the new day! I had been lulled to sleep by an awesome sonic soundscape of night birds, insects and who knows what else that prowls around the jungle in the dark of night and somehow that combination of going into sleep and awakening within the sonic temple of the jungle always brings me to a state of deep introspection and quietude laced with this bliss that nothing else can touch! Hmm... imagine that! Nature bringing me back home to my own state of stillness and perfection!

The sounds and vibrations are my medicine and a point of surrender here in the jungle. They always touch my heart and soul in a way that brings me to such an ecstatic joy, and being really honest of course, sometimes also a deep melancholy ache to want to share it with a beautiful man's arms wrapped around me or cuddled into my chest. I can't lie, I love to share these moments more than maybe any other, though I also truly relish them in solitude and alone.

Even in the ecstatic bliss of dawn's dazzling cacophony here in heaven on earth,waking up is still a vulnerable moment for me. Being gentle on myself, it's really only been 5 weeks since I've been really away from my ex and since we were still cuddling 3-4 nites a week even thru the whole year of the "break up," I guess I can have a little compassion for myself that some days I wake up still longing for that intimacy we once had. He lived with me here in this jungle world for 3 months last year, and there are lingering traces that come thru the dreamtime sometimes for sure. My heart aches sometimes in these intimate sensitive moments, and I am learning to catch myself and shift it, but for sure it creeps through on occassion and I feel those tinges of grief wanting to wiggle their way into my bliss and steal a little piece of joy from me! I am learning to be vigilant and practicing my will power to not allow or entertain those thoughts for more than a moment or two but also to not totally shut them down or ignore them. They are reminding me that I still have work to do and so I am attentive and gentle with myself in those moments!

It’s been a full 20 days now since I have talked to my him. I am pretty sure it’s the longest stretch I’ve gone without talking to him in the entire 8 years of our relationship, including the 9 months or so of "break up" we just passed through. I am committed to maintaining the silence between us in a way I have never been. The longer I stay away from the temptation to talk to him, or communicate with him, the happier I am and the more I can see and feel that there is really nothing left to say to him. I am finally feeling free and yummy again and I am not interested in taking any more chances of taking steps backwards into old patterns or stories, so steering clear of him feels like the smartest thing to do!

The last round of upset was more than I could tolerate and it became clear that I needed to make a decision to save what is left of my self respect and pull myself together and grow the fuck up already and move on from this man who has not brought out the best in me, and who simply isn’t ready to grow up and walk in truth on any level. I could suddenly see that everywhere else around me were beautiful people walking and living in truth, but the inconsistencey of my ex with my present life and the rest of the people I share it with became strikingly clear not too long after I left the US this time and got some space! I simply wouldn’t allow ANY friend to treat me with the kind of disrespect and dishonesty I had allowed my lover to. So it became somewhat like a switch: flick it and move on into the light already girlfriend!

Just a few days after I made the decision to stop all communications with him, and in my mind, to even dissolve the friendship which I had been trying so hard to preserve, I met a beautiful man. I had been praying for a bit of a distraction, and to be shown some other possibility that might exist in the form of a male person. "Any distraction, ANY possibility of something better, please grant me this request!" I prayed to God! “I just need to know there is something else! Please, send it NOW.” And of course, the universe and spirit being what it is, it granted my wish and I met one of the sexiest men I've ever gotten to hold in my arms and love on! Possibly what made him so attractive and appealing, other than his dark thick hair, gorgeous loving eyes and super yummy strong body, was that this man was not all about the pursuit of sex, and in fact, held strong values around putting energy out in that way with a woman he wasn't going to marry or be in a LTR with! What? I honestly couldn't believe it when he said, "I could be with one woman for the rest of my life and be devoted," but when he shared his boundaries around casual sex not being something he was interested in, it blasted me! So, for two weeks I allowed myself to fall head over heels in love with this most beautiful man that I absolutely could have no expectations of being with for anything more than what it was. He was on a journey for 3 months down to South America, and we both knew it was just a sharing of time and space for what it was, a few weeks of magic, bliss, music, cuddling and deep heart sharing! But for two weeks, it was bliss and such a sweet reminder that I can love fully whenever I choose to open to that!

We shared some very sweet physical intimacy that truly did show and offer me a whole new level of possibility, just as I had prayed for. I found myself sobbing in his arms more than once in the recognition of all the conditioning I had been subjected to around sex being such an integral part of connecting with a man in a significant way. I realized when he expressed how he was feeling around that piece, that I have never felt so respected by a man before. I was open, a little vulnerable, totally attracted to him sexually, and if he had been like most men I've known, he would have taken full advantage of that and had sex with me just because and as often as I would allow. He represented something different though. A more highly evolved man who thinks with his heart and head and not just his sexual urges. I can not even say how grateful I am to learn that it exists! I had about lost hope to be honest!

He held me every night for 14 nights and never expected or asked for anything. We held hands, cuddled on the bus, smooched like long term lovers greeting each other at dawn with a little kiss and going to sleep holding each other. We sang and danced and got totally silly together in the muses! We made love with our hearts and our fingers exploring each other's hands, and I held him on my chest and poured my love into him. We peaked a mountain and sat at dawn intertwined with his third eye beaming into my third eye and it was the closest I've felt to another human in many years. Heart to heart... no expectations.. no stories.. just pure love of life and an openness to the vulnerability and grace of love. I felt so safe and so cared for and cherished, but mostly deeply respected. I felt his own respect for himself too which definitly added to his sexiness and attractiveness. He had values, boundaries, and a clarity of purpose and intention that moved thru him that way understated his young age. He knew what he wanted, and had wisdom to not create something with me that would hurt or confuse either of our intentions. He was OK to wait for the "right" woman to share with sexually while enjoying sharing hearts and bodies in other ways with me. And I think he knew how much it was healing me to share with him in this way too. I felt pure and innocent in a way I had forgotten I could.

We shared a lot on what we wanted in our life partners, and the funny thing was, that we ARE that person for each other on many levels and I think we could both see and feel that potentiality, and still could recognize that we were just exemplifying for and to each other the possibility that it does indeed exist. He being a traveller right now, and my path taking me on some serious travels as well, we were just two souls crossing for some sweet tender sharing, some profound healing for me and a definite representation of possibility for both of us to have some hope that our beloveds are awaiting us!

I left him in Panama a week ago and have been feeling really strong and blessed for the most part. My Ex has tried almost 30 times to call me and I have not answered, and every time I decline his call, I feel a little bit stronger and more committed to myself and my health and well being. I found it interesting that on the same day I was leaving my new friend in Panama, my ex started trying to call after 10 days of no contact at all. He hasn't let up since. Maybe he could feel that I had opened my heart to another man and is feeling desperate. I don't care. He can feel whatever he feels. I am committed to myself and my own happiness, and my ex doesn't support good feelings in me so there's no reason to pick up the phone!

Every time I feel thoughts of him creeping in, I tell myself, “No, Not this anymore. What is it you want to invite in?” and I am practicing this mental acumen of letting all of those old thoughts transform into thoughts of possibility and intention for what I wish to attract and cultivate. It’s working. I am looking in the mirror now and appreciating the woman shining back at me. I am feeling deep peace. I feel alive, grateful and connected! I walked yesterday for an hour in the city and felt only bliss watching the most mundane things move across the screen of this life. Feeling sensually alive as the palms danced in the soft breeze, watching the sky blacken with clouds, I found myself even inviting the possibility of getting dumped on by rain as a fun adventure to have on my walk. I noticed how enticing the colors of the flowers were, and how soft and quiet and reflective I felt in my body and mind. I remembered for a brief moment a day when I couldn't find beauty anywhere, and felt a rush of gratitude recognizing that today I couldn't find anything BUT beauty everywhere I looked. Even the trash floating by and the smell of the sewage treatment plant were reminding me of the joy of life somehow!

I have found myself singing and dancing on the beach again in joyous celebration of my solitude and silliness! I am available for the world to love, serve, teach and hold space for others again! Life has returned to me, and nature is, as she always has been, one of my greatest allies and confidants in the journey!

Waking this morning with the bird songs, I felt that tinge of sadness start to creep in, the little place in my heart that misses being held by strong loving arms, and when my ex’s face popped up, I quickly replaced it with my 2 week lover and remembered how comforted and loved and protected I felt in his arms. I remembered that I felt more respected and cherished and honored by this man I’d only known for 2 weeks than I had felt by my ex in many years. I remembered that this man had integrity and a strength around walking and living in truth that my ex didn’t really have. I affirmed that I will and can attract my life partner soon and that he will hold strong values of honesty, devotion, family and service in ways that are in alignment with me. I affirmed that I never have to compromise myself or my values again with any man! I affirmed that I am deserving of the highest quality of man out there and will accept nothing less again into this temple!

My 2 week love affair showed me possibility. It was a love of the heart we were exploring and while we shared some physical intimacy, it was liberating and foretelling for me to be with a man who didn’t NEED the sexual piece to share and enjoy together. We could sleep together and cuddle all night and I never felt any need or pressure to offer anything or any expectation from him that I should, could or would. It was a pure, innocence we shared and it showed me that men like that exist in this world and for that I am grateful beyond words.

So affirming that knowingness today, I affirm also that I am willing to wait for what I want and to work towards making myself all that I know I am as a Warrior Queen and Woman of Service to Bliss and Harmony and to walk in truth! Until then, I will keep blossoming and radiating and sharing my love with the world thru my service and open heart and enjoying all the other magical ways love shows up!

This new life is looking pretty exciting! Where once there was depression and grief, now there is possibility and excitement! I feel liberated, free and can’t wait to decline the next call from my ex!

It is done! I am free!

One step forward, One step back... one step forward again..

It is a mysterious occurence on this journey the way things unfold to remind me of where I have yet to set myself free. It seems almost immediately upon feeling complete, full, even to a place of deep gratitude for the journey, I got sucked back into the old story, the old wounds, and got some hard core reality checks around my true state of beingness and acceptance of what is. I was tested, almost immediately upon arrival of a place of peace and forward movement, and undeniably and embarassingly, I failed, with flying colors! I flopped like a big fat fish trying miserably to shake it's parasites. I flopped in a big pooling pile of tears, self loathing and resentment. And then, I did what I do when I flop, I isolated thus allowing more time and space for the villans to return and wreak havoc on my heart and mind and continue to gnaw away at the threads of what was left between my ex and I as salvageable. I've finally done it. I've finally completely cut thru the threads of a salvageable friendship or connection with him, the sabotage is complete. I have pushed him to the brink of hatred. My villans succeeded in wasting away all the work he and I have done in the past few months to re-build trust and friendship.

So I sit here now blasted in the wake of it all, feeling emptied out, blank and heart wrenchingly sad. This was not the way I wanted to be in this. I knew this situation would occur, yet somehow it hit me harder than I imagined it could. I felt again like he had desecrated something sacred to me and has no remorse or concern about it. I feel hurt, betrayed and mostly upset with myself that I allowed myself to think it would be any different than this even for a moment.

I am still recovering from it now and sitting in a state of more or less dumbfounded humility of what the last 48 hours has brought back into my mind, heart and body. Clearly, I still have some work to do and am far from the place I was imagining that I was a few days ago. I was living in the future me still yet to fully arrive and atleast I got a good glimpse of her to hang onto in this ride!

I mean, I didn't just fail, I really dug myself in, ankle deep into the blackest, gooiest shit of my sad, hurt, abandoned little girl not getting her way and feeling totally denied of love and nurturing. I flipped and flopped to try to get out, and then fell back in even deeper on the second round. I heard a little demon come out of my voice that was scarily too reminiscent of my father's voice when he spews some vile uncontrollable nastiness from his angry pursed lips and that, more than anything, scared the shit out of me. I am my father, as I am my mother. There he was, venting and spewing from a self defensive place of anger and fear right out of my pursed lips and vengeful villan self. My heart was so shut down, so trampled and so repulsed, all I could do was return to all the old stories and reactions I have come to know too well, and find ways that his actions once again supported them all. It seemed all I knew how to do in that state of re-activeness and hurt. There I was, in the midst of it, even recognizing it, not being able to stop the madness and just fueling the fires of destruction between he and I to a boiling point. I totally relapsed, full force into the same place I have worked so hard on crawling out of for the past few months and thought I had overcome by acceptance. And of course, everything he had done and was doing and saying supported all of those stories fully, thus keeping me in the victim, sad, pathetic state of not being loved, being betrayed, being hurt and lied to, and there is a factual reality to it, beyond just the stories that it is indeed playing out in this way.

The notable thing that is hard to acknowledge is that if I had not reacted to this stimulus at all, I could have stayed in bliss and not wasted the last few days feeling bad about the way I've behaved, and/or caring about his choices. If I had just not reacted or responded in any way to what I had known would happen far before I knew it had happened, we'd be able to have a nice chat any old time. Now, however, it is really and truly done. The last bridge, for both of us, has been burned and there is no going back probably even to a friendship.

"Great work," the villans say to me, patting me on the back laughing as I cry tears of regret and sorrow for my relapse.

Speaking with my therapist today, she reminded me, "Your reaction was your way out, and in some way it was a loving thing you did because you want to be free and your little girl, adolescent self is there agreeing to compromise over and over when that's not really what you want." She's right on some level. That nice little girl who just wants love at any cost and tends to accept mistreatment and disrespect as OK and has compromised pretty much every part of me has had her day. I have allowed and been "cool" with too much and now my Queen is stirring and saying, "NO MORE!"

He is who he is, does what he does, and I can't change that, but to sit back and act like it's all good and continue to allow myself to be drawn into his little game of cat and mouse is not happening anymore. I counted today, and it's an embarrassing number of times I've danced this dance of working on my own ability to accept this part of him in order to not lose his love. I don't want to or need to accept it anymore. I will not and can not accept it anymore.

One step forward, one step back, and one step forward again! I will arrive back in bliss, and with much more vigilance on who enters this temple and sphere.